by FJ Campbell
*
She was in the AV department one afternoon, editing a film she’d made of the boys – Milo, Guy and Henry – and she was messing about with setting it to a song. The clips of Milo were the best; he was ignoring the camera as she’d told them all to do, whereas Guy and Henry kept on thinking it was funny to speak directly to it. She cut out most of the footage of them. The song she set the film to was Here, There and Everywhere, and after an hour or so she was pleased with the result. She sat back to watch it.
She was unaware that Guy and Livvy were walking past, or that they heard the song and looked through the window. They nudged each other and watched the film too. Milo was smiling shyly, talking to Guy, putting his arms round his two friends, telling a joke and playing the guitar with his back to the camera. There was some footage from a rugby match, and also of Milo standing on a hill with a view of the sea.
They crept away. Livvy’s eyes were wide with surprise.
‘Did you know?’ she whispered, even though they were out of earshot of the AV room.
‘Know what?’
‘That Beth… is in love with Milo?’
‘Beth is in love with Milo?’
‘Oh, come on, don’t be thick. Did you not just see that film? Do you not understand anything about girls?’
Guy, who had been concentrating on his own appearance in the film, caught up. He beamed. ‘Yes. Oh yes, yes, I see what you mean. Oh wow. This is great. This is… are we allowed to tell him, Livs?’
She shook her head. ‘No, absolutely not. She has to do it herself, in her own time. What if Milo doesn’t love her back?’
Guy stared at her, dumbfounded. ‘Not… love… Beth… back. Do you not understand anything about boys?’
CHAPTER 27
The first Saturday of half-term was Milo’s nineteenth birthday. It was also the day of the grudge match against Sherton Abbas school, and Beth had been banned by Mr Shepherd from watching. Fine by her; she had other plans.
She had arranged to pick up Milo from his cottage that evening, and while the whole school was at the match, she did her hair and make-up more carefully than usual and chose her favourite skirt and blouse. It was still too early, but she couldn’t think of anything else to do to fill the time, so she set off and, as she walked through the woods to Milo’s cottage, it started raining, the drops splashing through the trees that were losing their leaves. Before long she was soaked through, but she didn’t mind.
It was running through her mind like a train, everything that had happened with Edward and Zack. And Milo. If she tried to picture herself next year, in ten years, in thirty years, all she could make out in that uncertain future was that she wanted him to be there too. She never wanted to be without him.
She started to panic.
Jesus, is that what this is? Is it all about Milo? Has it always been about him? I don’t know. I’ve screwed up everything: I screwed up when I hurt Edward and then I did it again when I was with Zack.
It’s no good.
I’m no good.
But with Milo I could be good. Milo is pretty much everything to me. I love him. What? I love him? I love Milo? I do, I really do. I love Milo.
She sat on a tree stump and hid her head in her hands. If she could have, she would have climbed under it. For the first time in her life, she was properly terrified.
She didn’t know how long she stayed like that, but she was starting to shiver, and then it came to her: Fear is good, fear is real.
There was this: If I want him, if I don’t want to lose him, I have to do something about it. Now.
*
After the match, Milo had showered and changed into an old pair of jeans with holes in one knee, and a T-shirt underneath a red checked shirt that Beth had once described as ‘not as awful as your other clothes’. She’d said she was coming by at six o’clock on her way home to Melchester. He heard her knock and open the door. He didn’t even look up from his book.
‘Hi. Hey, you’re early. How is that possible?’
She didn’t answer as she stepped inside the open door.
Now he looked up. ‘You’re dripping on my floor. Is everything OK? Are you OK? What’s wrong?’ It was her face; Milo hadn’t seen her like this for ages. He sprang up from his chair and crossed over towards her.
She stopped him in his tracks with her hand. ‘I’m OK,’ she whispered. But there were tears rolling down her face and she looked pale and frightened.
‘Beth, tell me.’
‘I don’t want you to go away next year.’
‘O… K… what’s this all about?’
‘I… I can’t do without you.’
He looked down at his hands, gripping the back of the chair. He didn’t know what she meant. Was she having another bad day?
‘I don’t want you to leave me.’
What was that? Milo looked up from his hands to her face and tried to read it; no, it was no use, he still didn’t know what she meant. His heart was thumping and there was a lump in his throat. He felt like crying himself.
Beth spoke again. ‘The days when you’re with me are good days. And the days when you’re not with me are bad days. And… so… I thought… if I saw you every day, then every day would be a good day.’
He let his head drop again. OK. So she did mean that she was having a bad day. She needed him, but only to stop her having a bad day. Well, then. Fine. Not a problem.
‘Milo. Do you understand what I’m trying to say to you?’
He nodded. Swallowed the lump in his throat. Concentrated very hard on a knot in the wood on the kitchen table.
‘Then ask me,’ she said.
‘Ask you what?’
She didn’t reply for a few seconds. ‘Milo, look at me.’
So he did. There was this: she was standing there, in the door frame, her hands clenched by her sides, her face soft and her eyes hoping. Hoping. He saw something different and it gave him hope too. His heart lurched. He didn’t dare. Yes he did.
‘Do you want me to ask you… if you…’ He couldn’t say it. Yes he could. ‘If you love me?’
She nodded, her eyes shining.
‘Do you love me?’
She carried on nodding. He was across the room in three strides and took her head in his hands.
‘Really? You really mean it?’
She didn’t need to nod. He closed his eyes for a fraction of a second and kissed her very gently, just brushing her lips, they were so soft and warm; he couldn’t have imagined anything so warm. In a panic, he pulled away from her and ran his hand through his hair.
‘Beth. Shit.’ He bit his top lip; this was all too much. He was dizzy and stepped back, and felt the wall near him holding him up. He couldn’t touch her.
*
So she touched him. ‘Milo,’ she whispered, smiling. ‘Stay with me here.’
Her hand was on his shoulder, and she pushed him against the wall and slid her other hand round his back and put both her hands in his back pockets. She was waiting like this, so close, everything touching, looking right into his eyes, waiting for him. He slowly bent his head towards hers and then he kissed her. Properly.
Sometime later, could’ve been hours later, they had to come up for air. He took her hand, slammed the door with his foot and, still kissing her, led her towards the stairs.
She remembered the party. ‘We can’t – we’ve got to go to the pub.’
‘I don’t want to go to the pub,’ he growled, kissing her neck. It tickled and made the hairs stand up. Party? What party?
She sat down on the stairs and Milo sat next to her, facing her, his hand on the back of her head, kissing her again until they lay back on the stairs.
‘We have to go. Ahhh.’ She closed her eyes. ‘It’s your surprise birthday party.’
‘What? Oh no, no. I’m not waiting any longer for you. I’ve waited so long already. We’re not going.’
She tried to be firm. ‘We’ve got to go. Everyone’s in the Buck’s Head.
We’ll be late.’
‘You’re always late. They won’t mind. I’m not going anywhere.’
This was true. He was right. It wasn’t important. The others could wait. The kissing was becoming quicker now, she couldn’t stop, he was turning her into jelly, Oh God, focus. She had to focus. She took his face in her hands and pulled her hands through his short curls. Focus.
‘Milo, there is nothing that I would like more in the world than for you to ravish me here, on the stairs. But we don’t have time now. We are going to the pub. There are teachers there. The Tomses are there. You’re head boy now. We have to go. We have time for this later.’ She was impressed by how responsible she could be.
‘Seriously, I don’t think I can manage it.’
‘You’ll never know unless you try.’
Milo groaned and lay back on the stairs, staring at the ceiling. ‘This is a very unfair thing of you to do to me. Come here, seduce me, then tell me to stop. This is the worst non-surprise birthday party ever.’ He pushed himself up and held out his hand to her. ‘How do I look?’
She took his hand and held on to it, looking him up and down. He looked gorgeous. ‘Let’s see – your hair is a mess. You have some sort of a dirty smudge on your cheek. Your shirt could do with an iron. Your jeans are from the late 1970s. Your shoelaces are undone. Yep, you look quite normal.’
He grinned sheepishly. ‘What would you suggest I do about this?’ And he pointed at the front of his jeans, which had a bulge in them.
‘Oh God. Oh, I don’t know. Just think about something really unsexy. Like kissing Margaret Thatcher.’
‘I think kissing Margaret Thatcher would be quite sexy.’
‘Ugh, you are revolting. Come on, we have to go.’ With a degree of strength and maturity she never knew she had, she dragged him to the door.
The rain was still pouring down. He found an umbrella and held it over the pair of them. The pair of them. That sounded good. They walked to the pub together, arm in arm, in comfortable silence, Beth thinking about Milo and Milo thinking about Margaret Thatcher.
*
‘They’re coming, they’re coming,’ shouted Guy, and he ducked under the window frame. ‘Everybody ready? Shhh. Stop making noise.’
Everyone – Mr and Mrs Toms, Mr Shepherd, Guy, BJ, Livvy, Tab, Andy and Milo’s other friends from the village – sat stifling their giggles and waiting. And waiting. Livvy gestured to Guy that he should look again. He raised his head over the window frame and his eyes widened in shock.
‘Holy Mother of Shit.’
‘Language please, Mr Revel,’ said Mr Toms, who looked out of the window too. ‘Bloody hell.’
By now everyone was scrambling to the window, laughing and screaming at the sight of Milo and Beth snogging under the umbrella. Guy knocked on the window and they finally heard the muffled noises. Red in the face, but with ear-to-ear grins, they came into the pub, the door held open by the landlord.
‘Would sir and madam be interested in a room?’ he enquired.
Everyone was supposed to shout, ‘Surprise’, but instead there was a long silence, broken by the girls surging forwards to wrench Beth away from Milo. They herded her to a table in the corner, asking her a stream of questions. Beth sat with them, a calm smile on her face, nodding and giggling.
The boys and the teachers watched them for a moment and Mrs Toms said to Milo, ‘Happy birthday, dear. Would you like your present?’
‘I think he’s already had that.’ Billy smirked.
‘Let’s try and keep the level of smut to a minimum, shall we, Mr Rose?’
Mr Toms bought a round of drinks before he and his wife went home. Mr Shepherd followed not long after. The boys drifted over to where Beth and the girls sat, and Livvy made room for Milo. He sat next to Beth and whispered into her ear, ‘This is torture.’
At the end of the evening, Livvy, BJ, Guy and Tab said goodbye. They were staying at the Roses’ farm overnight. Milo’s friends from the village were last seen walking down the road to the chippy, singing At Last from Rain Man, loudly, out of tune and with slightly less romantic lyrics.
That was the longest evening of Milo’s life. Too much talking, not enough kissing Beth. It was impossible to concentrate on what anyone was saying. How did he manage to keep his hands off her? She was sitting next him and even if he didn’t look at her, he could smell her and feel the warmth from her.
*
They sprinted back to the cottage and when he’d closed the door and all the curtains, he turned to her and she was smiling at him like he was mad.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Umm… closing the curtains. So nobody can see in. I’m quite famous, you know.’ Oh shit, I’m babbling. Stop babbling. Smile, relax, stay cool.
‘Milo, am I making you nervous?’
‘N… no.’
‘That’s the first time you’ve ever lied to me.’
Busted. OK, well, here goes nothing. He walked over to where she stood. ‘I’ve lied to you before, about the “love the spring” flowers.’
‘I know.’
‘I’ll never lie to you again. I am very, very nervous.’
‘Don’t be.’
‘I might be useless.’
‘You won’t be. Listen, you’ve already seen me naked, right?’
The pool. Oh yes, how could he ever forget? ‘R… right.’
‘And you’ve carried me in your arms.’
‘That too.’
‘So, let’s re-enact those situations.’
‘You… want me to carry you upstairs and… take off all your clothes?’
‘Something along those lines.’
Right. He was shaking as he took a deep breath. He’d seen this in a film somewhere. It wasn’t very smooth but he did his best to sweep her into his arms. Up the stairs, trying to concentrate, one foot in front of the other; not easy when Beth was kissing his neck and biting his shoulder. Somehow they made it upstairs and into Milo’s bedroom. The bed. Beth Atkinson is lying on my bed. With me. This is happening. This is real.
There was nowhere on earth Beth would rather be than in Milo West’s arms. He was delicious and warm and his neck smelt so good, just like she remembered. It was dark in his room, with just the light from a lamp casting shadows on their faces. He pulled his T-shirt over his head and she helped him with his jeans. His arm reached out and undid the buttons on her blouse. One, by one, by one. His eyes were concentrating on those buttons so hard, she thought they might burst into flames. Milo undressed was something she’d seen before, at Greenhill Bridge. But the hairs on his arms, the muscles underneath, every freckle, every skin cell, she drank it in until she was dizzy with him.
Milo kissed her everywhere; he couldn’t leave even one part of her unkissed. All he wanted was her skin, her lips, more of her, all of her. He heard her moan, or it could have been him.
Beth moved underneath him and even though they were wrapped around each other, every part of her touching every part of him, it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t close enough.
They lay together and Milo stroked her hair softly. He traced his fingertips around her face, the scar on her cheek from the broken glass.
‘Does it still hurt?’
‘Not so much, now,’ Beth said. ‘I was scared that you didn’t like me any more.’
‘Are you kidding? Why would you think that?’
‘Oh, something about “Why don’t you try and stay single next year, blah blah.”’
Milo covered his head with his hands. ‘What kind of an idiot would have said that?’
‘The kind of idiot who sleeps with a girl on the first date.’
‘Is this our first date? What about when I fell off the ladder and you saved my life?’
‘Doesn’t count. A date has to have food or drink involved. Also, both people have to be conscious.’
‘The night after the races, then? We had a coffee together. That counts.’
‘Then I wasn’t conscious.’
&nb
sp; Milo rubbed his head. ‘Shit. This is our first date. I never knew I was so easy. So, what do we do now? What’s going to happen next year? I don’t want to be apart from you, not after waiting so long for you to realise you can’t live without me.’
‘I don’t know. It’s going to be horrible when you go to Australia.’
‘Huh. Australia. Why would I want to go there? They keep beating us at cricket and rugby.’
‘What if… I’m at the NFTS and you’re in Cambridge? That’s not too far away from each other, is it? What is it, about a hundred miles?’
‘Sixty-six,’ corrected Milo, grinning. ‘I measured it on a map. So that’s a happy ending, if ever I saw one.’
‘I don’t like happy endings.’
‘Jesus, your films are going to be cheerful. No romantic comedies for you, then?’
‘Nope. I was thinking, I’m more of an action kind of girl. Do you think George Lucas would ever hire me to make some more Star Wars films?’
CHAPTER 28
Guy, Livvy, Billy, Jake and Tab drove back to the Roses’ and talked about Beth and Milo the whole way.
‘I did not see that coming,’ said Tab.
‘Don’t be such an airhead. Everyone could see that coming,’ roared Jake, practically dancing in his seat. ‘No one can resist the charms of Milo West, his scintillating chat, the unstoppable force of his confabulation. When did you find out about it, little sis?’
‘Oh, ages ago, of course. She just wouldn’t admit it to herself. But I knew. You too, Guy?’ She gave him a pointed look.
‘Ah, that is an excellent question, and one that deserves a lengthy answer. Settle down, my friends, for I am the Keeper of All the Secrets of the West, and I will impart them to you and then you will share the wondrous wisdom.