The baths Crispus and I came to seemed crowded today, but Crispus said they were often this full and that was how most people liked it. After a small meal of apples and bread, we started in the caldarium, where the hot waters melted the honey from my back and soothed any aches the magic had not touched. There, I saw men making business deals and discussing their opinions of the new emperor.
By the time we went into the warm tepidarium, those men had begun to notice me. They cleared out rather quickly, despite Crispus's assurances that I had no intention of exploding anything for at least the rest of the day. Actually, that assurance might've been the exact reason they all left so quickly.
But when we went to enter the cold frigidarium, those same men stood shoulder to shoulder, blocking our entrance.
One of the men near the middle nodded at me. He was muscular and stern and, as far as I was concerned, completely unlikable. Maybe because he had one long eyebrow that went across his entire forehead. Or perhaps because he clearly did not like me. As if I were still only a slave, the man addressed Crispus. "That boy is not welcome in the baths. He's not welcome in Rome."
"He's a citizen and has as much right as you to be here," Crispus said. "He was also pardoned from his crimes."
"No, he was convicted," another man said. "I was there this morning. He was meant for the executioner, until saved by a vestalis."
"Let's go," I said to Crispus.
But Crispus wasn't finished. "Why do you think the vestalis saved him? Because she knew he was innocent."
No, that wasn't why. I grabbed Crispus's arm, urging him to leave with me.
But another man stepped forward from the group. This time, he spoke directly to me. "You claim to use magic in defense of Rome, but all I ever see is the lives of those around you put at risk. Wherever you go, things are left in ruins. I've seen it for myself. How many people have died because of your magic, and will still die?"
"No more," I mumbled. Now I did walk out, with or without Crispus, though I was glad to see him follow me.
In my head, the Mistress laughed wickedly. "They will all die. Once I'm free, I will make sure of that. I will come for you last of all, Nicolas."
I stopped walking, just to close my eyes and clear my head. If I was the only one who could stop the Mistress, then once she was free, would I be responsible for the damage she caused? All the lives that would be lost, would those be my fault? If I had committed crimes to gain this magic, was it an even greater crime not to use it now?
Crispus caught up and nudged me toward the dressing rooms. "You do not owe the empire anything. Don't let his words bother you."
"Of course they bother me," I muttered. "Everything he said was true."
I was grateful to see one of Crispus's servants waiting in the dressing room with a new tunic for me, this one all white. I didn't know how Crispus had arranged to get it here, but I was glad for it and made sure to quietly slip the rock from the vestalis into the new tunic's pocket.
"I promise not to ruin this one," I said.
His attempt at a smile seemed forced. "Don't make any promises you cannot keep."
Such as my promise to Aurelia that I would survive? Or my promise never to make a Jupiter Stone? Did he know what the vestalis had asked of me, and my refusal?
"I know what she asked of you." This was Atroxia's voice in my head. "What good is the forgiveness of the empire if I must bear the anger of one of its gods?"
I understood Diana's anger too. I had felt it and fought it and tried in every way I could to defeat it. But even the Malice could not grant me victory over her.
"Victory means you end the Praetor War," Atroxia said. "Only you can do it."
At the highest possible price.
"Did you hear me, Nic?" Crispus asked. "I told you that we'd wait and see whether you destroyed this tunic too? I'm thinking about buying them for you ten at a time."
"What if I promise not to destroy this tunic today?" I asked.
"Even then, I'm not sure you will succeed." His laugh seemed as false as his smile had been. "I'm sorry about what happened back there with those men. You didn't deserve that."
"Yes, I did. We both know that." I put the tunic over my head and began belting it. When I'd finished, I checked again to be sure the rock was still with me. "We'd better get back to your home. Aurelia will be waiting for us there."
Considering how turbulent the past two days had been, the dinner at Crispus's home was remarkably unremarkable. None of us wanted to talk about the trial or any of the events surrounding it, and we all knew I would lie if they asked what the vestalis had wanted when she spoke to me alone. So there was no point in bringing that up.
"I've ordered another wagon for morning," Crispus announced. "Livia and Radulf have a good start on us, but with his injuries, they're probably traveling more slowly than usual. We should be able to catch up with them before they leave the empire."
"Are all of us going this time?" his mother asked.
"Yes," Crispus said. "All of us."
Aurelia was looking at me, so I looked anywhere else. She wanted a confirmation that I would join them tomorrow, and of course, that was impossible. Crispus didn't notice. He only said something about being relieved to finally go, and then instructed everyone to get their bags packed by morning.
I excused myself before the final meal course, complaining of exhaustion. That was true enough, but it wasn't the reason I left early. If I had been taught any manners when I was younger, then it would've been unpardonable for me to leave so abruptly. As it was, my ignorance of proper behavior served me tonight. Because if I did not leave now, before the end of the night Aurelia would surely corner me and ask the questions I could not answer. She had to be avoided.
She stood as I moved to leave the room. "Can we talk?" It was a demand, not a question.
"Can it wait until morning?" I casually replied. "Once we're in the wagon together?"
"It cannot wait," she said very deliberately. "And you know why it cannot." She knew everything, then, perhaps even more than I had yet admitted to myself.
I glanced at Crispus, who shrugged back at me, silently confessing that he had told Aurelia what had happened at the baths. I couldn't blame him for that. With enough pestering, Aurelia would've eventually gotten the truth out of him, just as she would get it out of me if we were alone together.
So I only faked a smile and shook off her concerns. "Well, it must wait. The last couple of days haven't been my best ever, and I'm tired. Tomorrow."
There was nothing more Aurelia could do, although I suspected she was considering whether to follow me toward my room and force me to talk to her. I hoped she wouldn't. I'd feel ridiculous running away from her while trying to think of an excuse for why I was doing so. But that was my plan if she tried to come.
She didn't. And as I thought about that in my room, a part of me was disappointed. Not because I wanted to run away from her, but because I liked the idea of her wanting to speak with me enough that she would go to that much trouble. How ridiculous it was to think this way, childish behavior at best, but I didn't know what else to do. The more complicated my feelings became about Aurelia, the more difficult it was to understand my thoughts and actions too. The Mistress said I did not understand what it was to love. The more I recognized how intense my love was for Aurelia, the more I had to agree with her. There was so much still to learn.
Soon after arriving at Crispus's home that evening, I had borrowed a wax tablet from his tablinum. It had taken me most of the supper to figure out how to say what I wanted, and even as I etched the letters into the tablet, I knew it wasn't coming out the right way. I was grateful Radulf had taken the trouble to teach me some basic writing skills. If he hadn't, my only choice would've been to speak these words aloud, and the way I felt now, I didn't know if I could.
The tablet wasn't large, leaving me only enough room to write what absolutely was the most important. I didn't address the note to anyone -- it would obviously
be for Aurelia.
When I finished, the note simply read, "If you love me back, you will go to Britannia. Do not look for me."
I stared at the tablet for a long time, considering the effect my words might have. Nothing would make Aurelia agree with my decision, but I figured this had as good a chance as anything to make her do what I wanted and leave with Crispus in the morning. The only thing that truly bothered me was that I would never really know her reaction to my note. Would she be sad? Angry? Understanding? I could live with every possible reaction, except one. I didn't want her last thoughts upon leaving to be regret at having known me.
Though I figured, if anything, that's exactly how she would feel.
Once I was sure everyone had gone to sleep, I left the tablet on my bed to be found in the morning. The carriage would arrive early, and someone would come to my room to see why I had missed the morning meal. By then it would be too late. I would've disappeared already, and no one would have any idea of where to begin searching for me.
Out in the quiet atrium, I had a last-minute thought to bring some food. Whatever awaited me from this point forward, I liked the idea of having something to eat as part of that journey.
I didn't take much. Perhaps more than ever before in my life, I was keenly aware of how many crimes I had already committed, and stealing food from a friend was not one I wanted added to the list. I doubted Crispus would see this as a theft. It was really no different from the meal he would've shared with me anyway in the morning. And yet it felt different, so I took no more than he would've fed me had I been eating alongside him.
Like Radulf's home, Crispus's home also had a rear exit that led to the stables. Callistus was there and would take me as far as we could ride together. Away from Britannia. Away from Rome, and the Praetors and the Mistress. Away from everything and everyone I had ever cared about.
Yet as I approached the door, I saw a wax tablet propped on a shelf beside a single lit candle. It was the same tablet I had just left on my bed. I knew because it had the same scratch in the upper corner of the frame.
Holding it against the light, I saw letters carved so deep they probably had threatened to break the tablet itself. They read, "We will talk now."
While I was gathering food, Aurelia had found my note. Of course she did.
I sighed and brought the tablet with me out into the courtyard, where I already knew Aurelia would be waiting. She had Callistus saddled and was mounted on his back. Her bow and a quiver of arrows were fastened to the saddle, ready for battle. Her arms were folded, and her red face betrayed a level of fury I didn't think even she was capable of.
"If I love you, I will go to Britannia without you?" Aurelia asked. "What was I supposed to do with a message like that? In the wagon tomorrow, should I have congratulated myself on truly loving you because I left you behind, to fight and die on your own? Is that your understanding of love?"
"Yes, if it means you would live!" Her anger would not affect me this time. I wouldn't give in on this.
"I will not leave you alone here!" she said. "How many times do I have to tell you that?"
"Tell me a thousand more times; it won't change my decision. Be as angry as you want when you leave this place, but you will leave."
"I won't!"
"People around me are threatened, or hurt; they even die!"
"Which is why you need my help -- to stop that from happening."
"Unless it happens to you!" My voice was too loud. It'd wake Crispus and the rest of his household. More quietly, I added, "Can you give me the peace of knowing yours is not one of the lives I will have ruined? Please leave, Aurelia!"
She dismounted and came over to me. Now her tone softened. "Where were you going?"
"Away. Away from everyone who knows I have magic and wishes to control it. Away from those who want either my life or my death if it means they get what they want." I stopped pacing to stare at Aurelia. "Away from you. Because I care more for you than either life or death, and the Praetors know that. Don't you see how dangerous it is for me to love you this much?"
Aurelia placed a hand on my arm. "And don't you see how impossible it is for me to love you any less? Whatever the vestalis asked of you, we can do it together."
"You know what she asked." I met her eyes, conveying all the seriousness within my heart. "So you know why I must leave."
She shook her head, as if her determination and grit were enough to change my circumstances. "There are still other choices!"
"And all of them are bad. Let me at least make the choice that gives the greatest number of people a chance to survive." I stepped toward her. "Don't make our last conversation a fight. Let me go, Aurelia."
Tears filled her eyes, and her breathing became uneven. "If I could do that, don't you think I would have a long time ago?"
I widened my arms for a final embrace, and she closed the gap between us, holding me with a fierceness that conveyed her desperation and sadness and growing hopelessness. If anyone could change my mind, it was her. Yet I knew with absolute certainty that the bulla and Malice drew enemies to me like an eagle hunts its prey. The only way this war ended was with me making a Jupiter Stone. But I hoped for another option, one that even the vestalis had not considered. If I disappeared from Rome, taking the amulets so far away that even the gods could not find them, then the war would atrophy on its own. Maybe the rest of my life would be miserable, but at least I would stay alive, and so would Aurelia.
"What about me?" Atroxia asked. "Set me free."
"No," I mumbled. Aurelia leaned back, curious about why I'd said that. I pulled her close again and whispered, "Know this. My heart will always belong to you."
She wiped her tears on my shoulder, and looked up at me. "If that is true, we should leave together."
She was staring so intently at me that it was impossible to look away. If this was the last time I ever saw her, I wanted to memorize every detail of her face so that if I closed my eyes twenty years from now, I would still be able to recall the intense look of her eyes, the color of her cheeks, the soft smile of her lips.
My hand slid up her arm, then as it moved around to her back and neck, I pressed her closer to me. I kissed her with a strength different from what magic had ever given me. This power came from sharing and giving, not the taking of power from the bulla or the Malice. A kiss like this was its own sort of magic. Love was far more wonderful. And so much harder to leave behind.
She couldn't come with me, of course. But the memory of this kiss would carry me far into the night, and that would have to be enough. Maybe one more ...
Instead, the Mistress interrupted with a gravelly laugh that filled my head and knotted my insides. Something was different from before, as if she had been waiting for a moment like this. I pushed away from Aurelia, simply out of a reflex to protect her. Aurelia reached for me, but I put up a hand, warning her to stand back.
"So the sewer girl loves you too," the Mistress said inside my head. "Her promise to marry the senator's son was only a trick. She no longer has my protection. I call upon the goddess Diana to deliver her to me. Let my revenge begin with this lying girl!"
Clearly alarmed by my wide eyes, Aurelia said, her voice tightening, "What's happening, Nic?"
I raised a shield around us and put her directly behind me. "Something is coming for you. Something I might not be able to stop."
The Mistress had gone quiet, though I faintly heard Atroxia crying again for help. I didn't think she was in her human form; rather, it seemed that Atroxia was fighting as hard as she could to separate herself from the dragon, and failing.
Though I heard no response from Diana, I also knew that she would respond. The Mistress had called upon Diana's powers with certainty, fully expecting an answer. It wasn't safe to leave Aurelia here, not anymore.
"Let's ride Callistus away from here," I said, taking Aurelia's hand in mine. "Whatever Diana sends after us, Callistus is our best hope to outrun it."
"If she s
ends anything, it'll be a stag." Aurelia's eyes widened. "A stag! That's Diana's animal!"
Such as the stag we had seen on Radulf's land, and again in the forum. Diana had been watching me for some time; I realized that now. She had been waiting until the moment her servant called upon her to act.
Aurelia put a hand on her bow attached to Callistus's saddle, though it would take a moment for her to undo the knots around it. I opened the stable gates, but hadn't yet turned back around when I heard her cry out with fear. My hands filled with magic as I saw that same stag already within the stables, its dark eyes fixed on Aurelia.
I whistled to draw the stag's attention to me, yet it didn't waver in its gaze. I tried again, throwing enough magic its way to get some reaction from the beast, but it only edged closer to Aurelia.
"No offense, Nic," Aurelia said, her voice rising with panic, "but I've become used to these strange things only happening to you."
So had I. It would've made sense for the stag to focus on me, but it didn't seem to even care I was here. Suddenly, my heart slammed against my chest. I'd been wrong before. The stag hadn't been watching me. All this time, it had been watching Aurelia. Diana, Goddess of the hunt and of the moon, was watching Aurelia. But why?
"You're shielded," I said, keeping my voice calm as I started to move between them. "Get on the unicorn, quickly. We can outrun it."
Aurelia put one foot into the saddle's stirrup. The stag immediately charged at her, hitting her in both legs and knocking her back to the ground. She rolled and scooted beneath Callistus for protection, but he was nervous and prancing around. She wouldn't be safe there for long and maybe wasn't safe at all. The shield that protected her came from the bulla, filled with Diana's powers. I was willing to bet that meant her stag could run right through it. My shields were useless.
I sent a fireball toward the stag, expecting the animal to retreat from its flames. But the fire only evaporated upon contact, leaving the stag perfectly unharmed. I could use the Malice, but its greater powers worried me. Both Callistus and Aurelia were ahead of me, and past them was Crispus's home filled with him, his mother, and their servants. I'd already exploded one home. A second home seemed like too many for one week.
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