by Sarah Watson
Ava had never heard her mom swear before. She liked it. Next to her, her mom stared at the ceiling. “I’m sorry for not understanding right away.”
“What do you mean?”
“When all of this first started. I thought you were just moody. It seemed like normal teenager stuff. Then it got bigger and I still thought we could handle it ourselves. I read this article online about cutting out gluten. That was a fail. Then there was this research that said endorphins helped. I thought if I could just get you out the door and exercising.”
Ava turned to face her mom. “That’s why you were always trying to get me to jog with you?”
“I know. It was ridiculous.”
“No. It’s… You were trying. You didn’t know. You were doing your best.”
“I think I just made you feel worse. It helped me, though. I was feeling so scared and overwhelmed back then. Jogging really did make me feel better.”
“I’m glad.”
“We’re going to get you back in a better place too. We’re going to figure this out.” Her mom cozied into her and held her tightly. “I’ll be right here. As long as it takes. I’ll be right here.”
Ava closed her eyes, and for the first time in a long time, she felt that everything was going to be okay.
Jordan hadn’t spoken with Scott or even exchanged a single text with him since that night in front of Martha’s. That’s why she was so surprised to find a voice mail from him when she turned on her phone after their flight from San Francisco landed back in Cleveland.
Uh, hey. It’s Scott. Mercer. Anyway, can you call me back?
He’d sounded nervous. Which made her nervous. It was too late to call him then, and she’d planned on phoning him first thing in the morning. That was before her little brother came to her in a state of complete panic because he’d just remembered that he was supposed to be giving an oral presentation on the Great Depression. The only thing he currently knew about it was that it had happened in the United States and that it was depressing. Jordan gave him a crash course and helped him put together note cards so he could remember everything.
Then she was going to call Scott on the way to school. Her phone rang just as she was about to dial. It was CJ. “Did we know that Martha’s mom totally screwed her on financial aid?” CJ was somewhere that echoed.
“No. What happened?”
“I don’t have the whole story. Diffenderfer told me about it. I met up with him in the cafeteria this morning so I could get Friday’s history notes.”
“I’m almost to school. Let’s grab Ava and we can all corner Martha. With love, I mean.”
“Didn’t you see Ava’s text?”
“No. What’s it say?”
CJ read it. “‘In a Griselda mood and staying home today. Mom’s here with me and she’s being awesome so don’t worry. I’ll be okay. *Double hand squeeze.*’ The double hand squeeze is in asterisks. Like it’s an action.”
“Yeah. I get it,” said Jordan. “What’s a Griselda mood?”
“Just get here. I’ll find Martha.”
Martha told them about the terrible conversation with her mom. She seemed okay, though. Weirdly okay. They asked her what she was going to do, and she said, “I don’t know. Cleveland State, I guess. Even if I get only a partial scholarship, I can still make it work, I think.”
Martha may have been okay with it, but Jordan wasn’t. She was furious all day. It wasn’t fair that anyone should have to miss out on their dream college because of something as stupid as money. Martha deserved better. She was still pissed off about it after school when she was walking to her car. Her phone rang. It was Scott. She’d completely forgotten about him.
“Hi,” she said, cringing as she picked up. “Sorry I haven’t called back yet.”
“You’re avoiding me, aren’t you?”
“No. Things keep coming up.” She climbed into her car and turned on the heat as quickly as possible. It was freezing.
“I was worried you’d figured out I was calling for inappropriate—”
Her phone switched over to Bluetooth, and she completely missed the rest of his sentence in the transition. “What?”
“What do you mean what?”
“I lost you for a second. You cut out at”—her heart was beating fast now—“‘inappropriate.’”
“Maybe it’s good I cut out.”
“Why? What were you going to say?”
“Never mind. How are you? So you were out of town this weekend?”
Jordan’s windows fogged up as she sat there. “Yeah. A quick trip with my friends.”
“Cool. Where’d you go?”
“Uh… California.”
“Whoa. Big trip. Weather must have been nice.”
“It was.” Jordan was confused about where this conversation was going. He didn’t seem to be calling about the park. And if he wasn’t calling about that, then what was he calling for?
“Hey, Scott. What were you going to say before? When you cut out?”
He coughed slightly, and she could tell he was embarrassed. “Nothing. Forget it.”
Her windows were completely covered in steam now. She couldn’t see anything outside the bubble of her car. “Please tell me.”
He sighed, like he was mustering his courage. “We hadn’t talked since the night I drove you home. But I’ve been thinking about you. A lot.”
Her windows got even steamier.
“Right before your roommate walked up, I was thinking how cool you are and…” He laughed at his own awkwardness. “Oh, screw this. Jordan, do you want to grab dinner this weekend?”
Jordan swallowed. Hard. “Like a date?”
“Yeah. Like a date.”
Jordan had never been asked out on a date before. Not in any real way. With Logan, things had happened slowly. Months of simmering tension until that one day when he looked over at her and wondered if he could hold her hand.
“I can’t,” Jordan said.
“Oh.”
It was almost painful to say no. She had to, though. Didn’t she? Even though they weren’t that far apart in age, she was at an age that mattered. She didn’t feel like a kid anymore, but technically and legally she still was. That’s when she remembered something. “I mean, I can’t go out this weekend. But I could in a few weeks.”
“Oh,” he said, relaxing.
“Yeah. I’m busy with something right now. In three weeks, I’ll be… not busy.” She gave him an exact date.
He told her he’d put it in his calendar, and she said she’d do the same. She didn’t need to, though. It wasn’t a date she’d forget. It was her eighteenth birthday.
After they hung up, Jordan sat there for a second. Her entire body felt like it was on fire even though her car’s heater was struggling against the cold. She let her mind run away with the fantasy of Scott. His beautiful blue eyes and his important suits. The fact that he was an adult and that he made her feel like she was one too.
Suddenly Jordan’s passenger’s side door flew open. She was so startled, she actually screamed.
Martha hopped in. “Sorry.” She rubbed her hands together frantically and blew on them. “It is f’ing freezing out there. Will you drive me to work?” Martha turned and made her hands into a begging gesture. “I’m worried I might literally die if I have to wait at the bus stop.”
Jordan nodded. “Sure. Yeah. No problem. Not a problem at all.”
“Is something wrong?” Martha asked, still blowing on her hands.
“No. Nope. Everything’s good. Great. How are you?”
“God, it’s steamy in here,” Martha said.
Jordan turned the ignition. Then she looked over at Martha. “Is that a new hat?”
Martha touched the knit cap. It was pink and frilly, not at all Martha’s style. It looked good on her, though.
CJ sat in her car for a full ten minutes before going into the rec center. She wanted to tell Wyatt everything about the weekend. About how seeing Stanford was weirdly
painful and made her feel like she wasn’t good enough. About how strong Ava had been and how proud she felt. About how much she missed Martha and how it made her realize they would all be somewhere different next year. She wanted to tell him that she was overwhelmed and scared.
When she finally worked up the courage to walk inside, they exchanged an awkward hello.
“Hi, Clarke. How was Stanford?”
“Great,” she said.
She wanted to tell him a million things. But she couldn’t. Because she’d screwed up everything.
Dakota wheeled herself over excitedly.
“CJ. CJ! My ex-friend got a herpes.”
“Dakota!” Her mother was right behind her. “What did I say?” Margaret turned to CJ to explain. “Her friend, former friend, has a cold sore.” CJ could tell that Margaret was trying to be adult about the whole thing, but it was impossible to miss the tiniest hint of a smile on her face. “It’s a bad one.”
“Everyone was making fun of it.” Dakota’s voice was quaking with excitement. “It was the best day ever. I believe in karma now.”
“I feel like maybe we didn’t learn the right lesson here,” said Margaret.
“What? I didn’t laugh. I just felt happy that everyone else did.”
Margaret shrugged and CJ turned to her. “Do you mind if I talk to Dakota alone for a minute?”
“Please do.”
Margaret gave the two of them some space. CJ knelt down so that she was at Dakota’s eye level.
“Are you going to lecture me about making fun of people?” Dakota asked.
CJ shook her head. “No. I wanted to let you know that we’re starting volleyball today. I know that was the sport you were playing when…” The sentence didn’t need to be finished. “I think it’s going to be really fun. But I also know you don’t have very good memories of it. So if you need a little extra time getting out there or if you wanted to talk a little before you play, I’m here. Okay?”
Dakota nodded. “Okay.”
“I think you’ve got this.” CJ put her fist out. Dakota put hers out to meet it. They blew it up.
Dakota didn’t play aggressively that day, but she did play. CJ was proud and wished she could share it with Wyatt. She looked over at him and smiled. He didn’t smile back, but he didn’t look away either. He gave her a small meaningful nod. It gave her hope.
When the session was over, CJ hung around. She wanted to talk to Wyatt without any of the parents or kids.
“Hey,” she said, walking up to him.
“Hey,” he said. “Today was good, I think.”
“I think so too.”
She thought about everything she wanted to say to him. How he was the kindest, most hilarious, and most wonderful person she’d ever met. How she couldn’t stop thinking about him.
“I… I…” She started and stopped. Started and stopped. “I’m really glad that Dakota had a good day.”
“Me too,” he said.
Ava’s mom tapped on her bedroom door. The light was gray outside, and at first, Ava wasn’t sure if it was night or morning.
“Your friend from school is here to drop off your homework.”
Ava looked at the time on her phone. Night. It was nighttime. The appointment with Dr. Clifford had been short. She’d adjusted Ava’s medication and given her a prescription for Ativan to help with her anxiety. She also suggested that they meet again for a longer session in a few days. While Ava’s mom went to the pharmacy, Ava crawled back into bed. She’d slept the entire afternoon.
“I told him it’s probably better that he just drop it off, but he asked if he could say hi.”
He? Ava sat up straighter. “Okay. I’ll be right out.”
In the living room, she found Logan Diffenderfer sitting awkwardly on the linen sectional. He got up when she walked in and made a motion like he might hug her, but then he pulled back. “Hi,” he said, sitting back down. “I sent you a bunch of texts, but you didn’t respond.”
“I haven’t looked at my phone all day.”
They could hear Ava’s mom banging around in the kitchen. Given that her mom had absolutely no idea how to cook, Ava figured that this was just a cover so she could stay close by.
“My mom said you brought my homework?”
“Not really. It’s all online. I just wanted an excuse to see you.”
“Oh?” Ava was proud of herself for holding his gaze. “Why?”
Logan shifted uncomfortably. “Uh… well… I, uh…” Ava had never seen Logan flustered before. It was weird. It was also charming. “I was worried about you. It was such a big weekend, and then Jordan said you were out sick today. When you didn’t return my texts…”
“I’m not sick. I mean, technically, yes. But I don’t have a cold or anything. I have depression.”
“Oh,” he said. “I didn’t know that.”
“Not a lot of people do. I used to be embarrassed about it, but I’m not anymore. It’s just this thing I have.” It felt good to say it out loud.
If Logan was freaked out, he didn’t show it. “I’m glad you told me.”
“Logan,” she said, “do you still want to know why I hate you?”
He answered without hesitation. “Yes.”
Her mom came out from the kitchen holding a spatula like a prop, which it basically was. “Do you kids want dinner?”
Ava wanted to kill her mom. Then she remembered how amazing she’d been today and felt bad about it. “We’re fine, Mom. Can we have a minute, please?”
Her mom disappeared back into the kitchen. Ava sat down on the couch next to Logan.
“Do you remember freshman year when the school was going to drop me out of advanced classes?”
Logan shifted in an uncomfortable way. “Um…”
“I know that you know. I know because I heard you talking about it.”
Logan looked down. “Shit.” She could tell he was remembering. “That day at cross-country practice.”
She nodded. “I was under the bleachers.”
“Why?”
“Because I was having a really bad day and I couldn’t be in class anymore. I took the bathroom pass and that’s where I ended up.”
She remembered hearing his voice. She remembered the sound of the coach’s whistle. It terrified her because it made her realize that school was over. She’d been sitting under the bleachers for more than five hours. That was the moment she knew something was really wrong with her. She tried to speak. She tried to ask for help. She was going to ask Logan Diffenderfer. He was her best friend’s boyfriend. He was safe. He would pull her up and she would be okay. Only it wasn’t okay. Logan was laughing. At her.
“You called me an idiot,” Ava said.
Logan shook his head. “Shit. Ava. It had nothing to do with you.”
Ava still remembered it clearly. Staring at the ground and realizing that she couldn’t physically stand at the same time that Logan was talking about her. She remembered the exact words. I can’t even understand how she can be that much of an idiot and the school just doesn’t care. He was talking to Malik and Grayson from the team. They were laughing at her too. She’s so obviously dumb, Logan had said. The only reason they’re letting her stay is because of her mom.
Ava remembered lifting her head slightly when she heard that part. If Ava had had the emotional energy back then, she also probably would have questioned why the school didn’t go through with their threat to kick her out of the advanced track. But she didn’t. So she didn’t know. Not until she heard it from Logan Diffenderfer. She basically lawyered up. Sent her mom in there to yell at the principal. I heard her mom was like, “If you drop my daughter, I will make your lives a litigious nightmare, blah blah blah.” Logan had done a not-terrible imitation of her mother. That’s the only reason they didn’t kick her out. They should, though. She’s so dumb. Some days I look at her and I’m just like, “Are you even literate?”
“You are not an idiot,” Logan said from the couch next to her
. “You were never an idiot. I was.”
“I know.” She said it with a slight smile. “But it took me almost four years to figure that out. I didn’t know about my mom yelling at the principal. It made me feel so stupid and so weak at a time when I was already feeling stupid and weak.”
“You are neither of those things.” Logan sighed. “Everything I said, it had nothing to do with you.”
“Then why’d you say it?”
Logan stood and walked to the fireplace. He put his hand to his temple like he couldn’t believe this. “Because I was humiliated. They were kicking me out of advanced classes, and Malik was teasing me, and I was embarrassed.”
Ava didn’t know any of this.
“It was my fault, though. I’d been lazy about studying. But Mrs. Geller liked me, and she didn’t think I should be punished so severely, so she told my parents what your mom had done.”
Mrs. Geller taught advanced freshman English. Ava always felt self-conscious around her. You could tell she didn’t believe that depression was a real thing. For a while, it made Ava not believe it either.
“She thought she was helping me out,” Logan said. “She said that if my parents raised a fuss to the principal, they’d have to keep me too. But my parents wouldn’t do it for me. They said that it was my fault and that I deserved the consequences. They were right. The school kicked me out for the rest of the semester. I worked my ass off, and I proved to them that they should let me back in.”
Ava didn’t remember him not being in class. That period of her life was such a blur.
“I had no idea,” Ava said.
Logan came back to the couch and sat down next to her. “I wish I’d known. I wish you’d told me. I always thought you were such a—”
“Bitch?” she asked.
“Just to me. I couldn’t figure out what I’d done. I’m sorry, Ava. I was an idiot and I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
“I accept your apology.”
“Friends?” he asked.
She nodded. He put his hand out and she shook it.