by Sarah Watson
“Take a seat whenever you’re ready,” he said, motioning to a black stool in front of the drape.
When she sat down, he walked over and touched her shoulders, positioning her in a way that would best catch the light. “Just like that,” he said.
He lifted his camera and took a couple of test shots. After he checked the digital images, he looked up at her.
“Is something wrong?” he asked.
She knew her expression was heavy. “I need to say something and it’s a little hard.”
Logan lowered his camera. “What?”
“When I broke up with you freshman year, I lied about why I did it. I told you it was because I didn’t have feelings for you anymore, but that was a lie. God, it was such a lie. I was head over heels for you.”
Logan set his camera down on the table. “Why are you telling me this now?”
“Well, there was a very specific reason why I had to break up with you.”
“It was because of what Ava overheard me say, wasn’t it?”
Jordan nodded. “She was so hurt and she was going through such a hard time. And she was—is—one of my very best friends. I couldn’t stay with you.”
“I understand. I don’t hold it against you.”
“It was really hard for me to lie to you. I just want you to know that.”
“Jordan—”
“Hang on. I need to finish this. I was in love with you for a very long time.” She took a deep breath. “But I’m not in love with you anymore. I’m always going to care about you as a friend, but that’s it.”
“I care about you as a friend too.” Logan smiled warmly, and she knew he meant it.
“I know you do. You’re a good guy, Logan, and I know that if you thought something might hurt me, you wouldn’t do it. So what I’m saying is, if you’ve been worried that I still had feelings for you, and if that’s maybe held you back from pursuing someone else… you don’t need to do that anymore.”
Logan smiled. “You’re a really good person, Jordan.”
“I know,” she said. “Now make me look fabulous.”
“You got it.” He lifted his camera and took the shot.
CJ was at her desk looking at the Ohio State online course catalog when her phone rang. “Hey, Logan,” she said. “What’s up?”
“You got a second to talk?”
This sounded serious. “Sure,” she said with slight concern. “What’s going on?”
“We kissed,” he said rather matter-of-factly.
“I know.”
“We kissed and then we never talked about it.”
“I know that too.”
“Can we? Talk about it?”
CJ walked over to her bed and plopped down. “Yeah.”
“Good. Because I never knew if it meant something to you or if it was just one of those things that happen.”
CJ stared at the ceiling and tried to figure out the best way to tell him that it did mean something to her. “Logan, the truth is, I was such a mess that night. I was overwhelmed and freaked out, and I needed someone. You were there for me when I needed it.” She was grateful for that. “So I guess what I’m saying is, it did mean something. But not like a romantic something. What I really needed that night was a friend. I just got wrapped up in the other stuff.”
Through the phone, she could hear Logan exhale. “I feel the exact same way.”
“Really?” CJ sighed with relief. “I feel so stupid. I was just so caught up in college applications and all that pressure that was on me—”
“Yes. Exactly!”
Logan said some other things, but CJ didn’t hear any of it. Because it was at that exact moment that she swore she saw a horse walk into her front yard. She sat up. It couldn’t be a horse. She went to her window and looked out. It was definitely a horse. Right there on her lawn. And the horse was not alone.
“Uh, Logan. I have to go.” She hung up before he could respond.
CJ ran to her window and threw it open. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Clarke Josephine Jacobson,” said Wyatt from the saddle of a beautiful brown horse, “I’ve come atop this mighty steed to give you a message.”
CJ smiled. “I’ll be right out.”
When CJ opened the front door, Wyatt was waiting for her. He’d taken up a very regal, very George Washington pose.
“You’re crazy,” she said as she walked up to him. “How did you even get this thing here?”
“This thing is named Cocoa Puff.”
“Hi, Cocoa Puff,” she said. Then she looked up at Wyatt, seriously craning her neck to do it.
“So this is what it’s like to be taller than you,” Wyatt said.
“Seriously, Wyatt. How did you get a horse into my development? I don’t even think we’re zoned for this.”
“Can you not with the questions right now?”
CJ made a big show of closing her mouth.
“I got the letter.”
CJ smiled. She was so proud. The nonprofit had picked them. Their park was going to get all the money it needed to make it wonderfully inclusive.
“I also got the message you wrote at the bottom of the letter.”
This time she didn’t smile. She was too nervous about how he would respond. Her hand had been shaking when she’d written it. I should have you kissed you in the bathroom that day. But you should have kissed me too. We were both afraid. How about we be afraid together?
CJ looked down at her feet. There were hoof divots all over her father’s freshly mowed lawn. Everything about this was crazy. “Aren’t you going to say something?” CJ asked.
“No, Clarke. There’s absolutely nothing I want to say. I just want to kiss you.”
She looked up. Wyatt draped his hand down and CJ took it. He squeezed. She squeezed back. Twice.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“It’s how my friends and I say ‘I love you.’”
“Well, then. Here.” He squeezed her hand twice.
Then he helped her up onto the horse. She put her arms around him and he turned his head. This time there was no hesitation and no fear. Their lips found each other like it was the easiest, most wonderful thing in the world.
When they finally pulled away, Wyatt spoke. “So… you wanna ride off into the sunset?”
CJ nodded. “Yes. Yes, I do.”
CJ held on tightly and thought about how she never wanted to let him go.
Martha stood at the glass door of the movie theater and felt impatient. Logan was late. She wouldn’t blame him if he was having second thoughts. A second later, she saw him turn the corner and half walk, half jog to the door. Martha opened it immediately. “You’re late,” she said.
“I know. I’m sorry. I was coming from my therapist.”
“Oh. Okay, then. I just thought maybe you’d changed your mind.”
“Nope,” he said. “I’m all in.”
Martha took a breath. “I can’t believe we’re really doing this.”
“I know,” Logan said. “Me neither. I think there are going to be a lot of shocked people when they find out.”
“Screw ’em,” Martha said. “They’ll get over it.” She took another breath. “Okay. Let’s make this official.” She reached into her pocket. “This is your employee key.” She slid the key off her key ring and handed it to him. “Do not lose it or Ben will take twenty-five bucks out of your paycheck.”
“I won’t.”
“So how did your parents take it? When you told them you’re taking a year off and working here?”
“They freaked. Totally freaked, actually. But whatever. I think they’ll come around once I reapply to schools next year. If I get into a good film school, I’m hoping they’ll relax a little bit. And if they don’t, oh well. It’s not their life.”
“No, it’s not.”
Martha finished showing Logan around and helped him turn on the popcorn machine. Then there was nothing left for her to do. “Okay,” she said. “I t
hink that’s it. So this is good-bye.”
“Later,” Logan said.
But Martha wasn’t really saying good-bye to Logan, she was saying good-bye to the theater. It had been good to her. She walked out the door and let it close behind her. She looked back only once.
Martha pulled her phone out of her pocket and looked at the text chain with Victoria. It was long now, and it took her a second to find the question she loved to read and reread. The one that had taken all of her bravery to ask.
Were you upset because you have feelings for Logan Diffenderfer or because you have feelings for me? It’s a loaded question. Because I have feelings for you.
“Martha.”
Martha looked up. Victoria was standing at the corner waiting for her. “That took long enough,” she said.
“What was I supposed to do? Guys always take longer to learn things.”
Victoria made a scoffing sound. “Men.” Then she put her hand out. Martha took it and let Victoria pull her in. Their lips met and Martha felt that same electric jolt that she’d felt when Victoria had first responded to her text.
Because I have feelings for you, dummy.
Martha and Victoria kissed on the corner. It went on and on for what felt like forever, and Martha thought that it was nothing like kissing a boy. It wasn’t like kissing Hermione Granger either. It was so much better.
The only thing I have to fear is fear itself. The only thing I have to fear is fear itself. The only thing I have to fear is fear itself.
Ava had been on a Roosevelt kick ever since CJ had given her the book. Now the words cycled through her mind as she walked to the park. Dr. Clifford had suggested that it might be helpful to make a list of the things she’d done in her life that were brave. That way she could see that she was actually a lot stronger than she realized. It was definitely helping. She looked back over her accomplishments.
Turning down RISD was brave.
Saying yes to Stanford was brave.
Giving the letter to Logan Diffenderfer was brave.
She’d written the letter out on a sheet of notebook paper and then shoved it through the slats of his locker on the last day of school before she could change her mind.
Dear Logan,
This weekend I’m going to go see the new park that the city is building. I want to have memories there so when I come back on break or during the summers, it’ll have meaning to me. I’m bringing my sketchbook. Because sitting on a bench and sketching will be a good memory to have. But there’s one that would be even better. A first kiss with a guy I care about. I like you, Logan. Not as a friend. Although that too. If you don’t feel the same way, then my memory will be of sketching. And that’s okay. So no hard feelings. But if you do feel the same way, then I’ll be there on Saturday at two pm. Meet me and let’s make a memory.—Ava
Even though the new park was still under construction, it was easy to see its potential. Everyone was talking about the cool new jungle gym and the fact that all the equipment was going to be wheelchair accessible thanks to the organization CJ had found. The benches had already been installed, and Ava was going to sit down on one and watch the landscapers work.
She looked at the time on her phone. It was one forty-five. She would have a few minutes to sit down and catch her breath and remind herself that the only thing I have to fear is fear itself. But as she came around the corner, her expression shifted.
“You’re early,” she said.
Logan Diffenderfer stood up from the bench and walked toward her.
“I know. I couldn’t wait.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
“CAN WE please try to be a little quieter?”
Jordan had already asked her friends to keep it down, but nobody was listening.
“I thought I was supposed to be the uptight one,” CJ said, making absolutely no effort to lower her voice.
Ava and Martha weren’t any better. They were still laughing at a joke that Martha had made.
Jordan took the key out of her pocket. “Seriously. Shhh. Scott loaned me the key only because I promised we wouldn’t get caught. So we need to be quiet.”
She slid it into the lock and pulled back the chain-link gate. It was the same gate that had kept them from entering the park on their first Friday as seniors, a night that now seemed like a million years ago. The gate wasn’t protecting a proposed development site anymore. The office complex was almost done.
“Okay,” said CJ, as soon as they were inside. “Who brought the goods?”
Ava put up her hand. “Me.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a skewer.
Martha took it from her. “A skewer?”
“Yes. A skewer. What’s your problem? It’s perfect.”
“It’s actually totally perfect,” said Jordan. “So let’s get on with this. We go in alphabetical order, right? Out of fairness?”
“Definitely,” said Martha. She handed the skewer back to Ava.
They walked around to the side of the building. To the spot where earlier that day a layer of fresh concrete had been poured. It was still wet, just waiting for them to leave their mark. They went one by one, carefully printing the letters into the soft cement. When they were done, they admired the list.
Ava Morgan
CJ Jacobson
Jordan Schafer
Martha Custis
Class of 2020
There wasn’t a lot to say after that. Nobody gave a big speech or anything. Writing their names down was enough. After they were done, they walked out and shut the gate behind them.
They’d driven separately since they were all going different places afterward. Ava had plans to hang out with Logan at the theater, and Jordan was going to meet her grandmother to work on sewing some new clothes for college. Martha’s dad had let her borrow the car to drive downtown to meet up with a group of MIT freshmen who had found one another online.
CJ was the only one who didn’t have plans. As she unlocked her car, she watched her three best friends drive off in different directions. After this summer, they wouldn’t see one another every day anymore. But that was okay. She knew they would always be in one another’s lives.
Her phone rang and Wyatt’s name flashed on her screen.
“Hey,” she said, answering. “I thought you were with your family tonight.”
Wyatt’s father had finally gotten the courage to reach out to his younger brother, and they’d been slowly working on repairing the damage between them. They had plans to finally introduce each other to their families tonight.
“I’m still with them,” Wyatt said. “But I had to call you to tell you the craziest thing.”
CJ turned the car on and pulled away from the curb. “Do tell.” She glanced in the rearview mirror and watched the park, or rather the place where the park had once been, disappear from view.
“My uncle has a son.”
CJ smiled. “I knew it. I was right, wasn’t I?”
“You were right. He’s great, Clarke. Really great.”
CJ knew who he was talking about. Because she knew Wyatt’s last name, of course. She’d even asked him about it. It was such a unique name. Such a uniquely awful name. When he told her that his dad had a brother, she’d wondered if maybe Logan might be his cousin. They’d thought about it and speculated, but Wyatt didn’t want her to talk to Logan about it. It was his dad’s business, and he wanted his dad to move at his own pace.
“It’s kind of like having a brother. I’m excited. He had to leave just now. I guess he’s got a job at a movie theater or something. But we’re going to hang out tomorrow, just the two of us.”
“That’s amazing.”
And it was amazing. CJ felt goose bumps all over her arms.
“Anyway,” he said, “I have to go. I just wanted to call to tell you that. Oh, and I have to tell you one more thing.”
“What’s that?” CJ asked.
She could hear the smile in his voice. “I love you, Clarke Jacobson.”
&n
bsp; The goose bumps spread from her arms to her entire body. “I love you too, Wyatt Diffenderfer.”
EPILOGUE
Washington, DC
January 20, 2049
WYATT AND I are seated beside each other on the West Front of the Capitol Building. We’re surrounded by politicians and dignitaries and a crowd of onlookers so deep that I can’t see where they end. I know that every little movement of mine will be scrutinized, so I’m doing my best to keep my shoulders back and my posture presidential. Wyatt thinks that now is the perfect time to try to make me laugh. He leans over and whispers into my ear, “Hey, Clarke.”
“That’s Madam President-Elect to you,” I whisper back. And in just another few minutes, it will be Madam President.
But then he whispers something else, and I can’t stop the small laugh that escapes my lips. I play it off with a wave to the crowd and they cheer in response. Wyatt has just reminded me that all these people think that the first time we kissed was on a horse in my front yard. I told the story in an interview once, and it quickly took on a life of its own. Everyone assumed that that was our beginning, and we let them. But the truth is, I kissed him once before that, on the side of the road, and he didn’t kiss me back. Our love story has never been perfect. Just like me, it’s flawed and complicated. I wouldn’t change a single moment.
I lean over and make it look like I’m telling him something serious. “Well, there are a few people here who know the truth.”
I look two rows behind me and see Ava, Jordan, and Martha. I had to bump a couple of people out of position to get them these seats, but it was well worth pissing off a few members of Congress to have my friends this close. Dakota and her mom are here too. They were also there with me on the Senate floor the day I introduced the health care bill with a speech that made people sit up and take notice of the freshman senator from Ohio.
I was never supposed to have won that race. I was the underdog by about a mile and almost pulled out. But on the day I was thinking of quitting, my campaign manager drove me to the only office space we could afford for my campaign headquarters. It was in the building where Ava, Jordan, Martha, and I had all carved our names when we were seniors. I decided then that I would never quit no matter how hard it got. Those names reminded me that I wasn’t scared of losing and that some of the greatest moments of my life had come from my failures.