They left the restaurant after having skipped dessert. The older woman needed to get home to meet her wife, who was returning from a business trip later that night. It struck Hillary as a little odd that when the woman had spoken of Amara’s mother, and their love from all those years ago, her voice was wistful and dreamy. When she’d spoken of her wife, Marissa, there was definitely love in her voice, but it was different. Hillary didn’t know how to explain it. It just felt different to her.
“Feel free to call me anytime, Amara,” the woman said as they walked to their cars.
“Thank you,” Amara replied and then glanced at Hillary.
Hillary wasn’t sure what to make of the expression, but Amara turned back to the other woman.
“The night of the party – the night of her accident – my father said she was upset. He said someone had said something to her that made her angry. Do you know what or who it might have been?”
Hillary lowered her head and smiled at her girlfriend. Amara then looked up to meet the other woman’s eyes.
“Oh, I’m not sure I do,” the elder Amara replied but also lowered her head.
Hillary knew something was off then. She opened her mouth to say something.
“It wasn’t you?” Amara asked before Hillary could get it out.
“I assume it was because she saw me with Marissa, like I told you before. It must have been a shock to her, to see me there, when we hadn’t seen one another in so long. I know it was a shock to me.” She paused. “She was so beautiful, your mother.”
“Did she say something to you?” Amara continued her questions.
Amara’s tone, though, had shifted from confident to less than comfortable. Hillary moved closer to her, placed her hand on the small of Amara’s back, and glanced at the other woman. She’d deal with Amara’s anger at the touch later, if it came to that. The other woman seemed to realize something in that moment but said nothing of it.
“No, she didn’t say anything.”
“Nothing?” Amara pressed. “What exactly did you two talk about?”
“We caught up; that was all.”
“So, she got angry just because you’d married someone else?” Hillary voiced a question she’d been holding in.
Amara glanced at her and offered a small smile, which made Hillary worry a little less about what would come later.
“What does this do?” the other Amara questioned. “Reviewing events from that night? She’s still gone.”
“Please,” Amara pled. “I just need to know. I think my dad deserves to know, too. He blames himself.”
“And he should blame me? You should blame me?” the other Amara asked in frustration as she leaned against her car door.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying… I just need to know.”
“Need to know what, exactly?”
“I need to know if she ever loved him,” Amara blurted out a little louder than she’d planned. “She loved you. You two were in love. Then, she gave it all up, and she married him. I need to know if she ever loved him in that way. I can’t ask her… He doesn’t know anything about you, and I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want to hurt him anymore.”
“She did,” the woman replied. “If that’s what you want to know, I think she did.”
“Why?” Hillary asked while reaching down to clasp Amara’s hand. “Why do you think that? What really happened?”
The other Amara sighed, crossed her arms over her chest, and replied, “I’ve never forgiven myself for that night; I need you to know that. Not just because of what happened to your mom, but because of what I did to Marissa.”
“What do you mean?” Amara asked.
“I have never told anyone,” the woman answered before sighing again. “When I saw her that night, everything else disappeared. That was the effect your mother had on me. She’d always had that effect on me. God, when I first saw her at school, I fell in love with her. I was supposed to have a lifetime to grow old with her, to share memories with her, to raise children with her. That was supposed to be our story. It wasn’t supposed to end then.”
“You said Marissa was the love of your life,” Amara reminded.
Hillary leaned into her and squeezed Amara’s hand tightly.
“How did it feel when you two met?” The older woman motioned between the two of them before folding her arms back across her chest. “Was it like the whole world fell away and it was just the two of you? Was it love at first sight that evolved into something more? That’s how it was for us. We planned our lives together. Despite her father, and her faith, she always told me she’d tell her parents about us. She told me we’d be together.”
“What happened?” Amara asked again.
“That night, it had been years since we’d seen one another. I’d met Marissa back then, and I did love her. I do love her. I still love her like crazy. She is the woman I’ve chosen to spend my life with, and I don’t regret that.” She paused. “But, that night, I saw your mother, and it was like no time had passed. We started talking. Marissa was off talking to other people, and it was just the two of us. We didn’t even talk about the fact that we were both married, or that she’d had you.” She smiled in Amara’s direction. “We talked for a long time, but it wasn’t enough.”
“You wanted more, didn’t you?” Hillary caught on.
“I did,” she admitted, and her tears began to pool in her eyes. “I was stupid. There was a moment between us where I thought everything else about our lives could just go away. I leaned in and tried to kiss her.”
“You tried–”
“She slapped me,” the older woman interrupted. “Your mom slapped me. No one saw. We were in a corner, away from the party, but she slapped my cheek and pulled back. She whispered at me then because she couldn’t yell. She told me about your father, and about you. She’d noticed the ring on my own finger.” She held it up as a reference. “She asked me about Marissa. I told her.”
“She slapped you?”
“She loved your father, Amara,” she answered. “She probably loved your father in the same way I love my wife: it’s as perfect as it can get without actually being perfect. I will always love your mother. I hate to admit this. I never will repeat it, but if she were still here, standing in front of me and telling me she wanted us to be together, I’d run off with her in a heartbeat. It’s terrible. My wife deserves better than that. But that’s how it feels, living every day without your soulmate, because she was so afraid back then, and I was so stupid that night.”
“You tried to kiss my mother?”
“Your mom told me then that she loved your father, that nothing would happen. Marissa walked up after that, and then your father appeared. I watched him put his arm around her like I had once done. Honestly, I thought I was going to vomit. I had no right to feel that way; she was married to the man. But, in some ways, your mom has always felt like mine. We were each other’s firsts in all things.”
Amara looked over at Hillary and squeezed her hand.
“You lost her that night, too,” Hillary said when she glanced away from her girlfriend toward the older woman, who was now in tears.
“I did.” The elder Amara wiped her eyes. “I didn’t go to the funeral, for obvious reasons. I still go to her grave, though,” she added. “On our anniversary, each year. I’ve never told Marissa about that. She does know about your mother, though. She knows that she was my first love, at least.”
Amara let go of Hillary’s hand to approach the woman. She took the other Amara’s hand and squeezed it this time.
“I don’t blame you,” she said. “I don’t blame him either.”
The two women embraced in a long hug involving shared tears, while Hillary stood off to the side and waited for them to part. When they did, Amara moved back toward her, took Hillary’s hand, and kissed it. Hillary smiled at her.
“Don’t let her go.” The other Amara pointed at them. “If you love each other, don’t let anything happen to that. Do
n’t be like me, okay?”
“I don’t want to be like her,” Amara said.
She looked at Hillary before placing her head on Hillary’s shoulder. Hillary met the other Amara’s eyes. They gave each other a small nod. The woman got in her car, turned the ignition, and with a small wave, she departed the parking lot.
CHAPTER 35
“Stay with me tonight?” Hillary asked Amara while she slid her girlfriend’s hair behind her ear.
They were sitting on Hillary’s sofa after having driven to her apartment separately from the restaurant.
“I told my dad I’d be home,” Amara replied. She turned to see the expression of Hillary’s kind eyes. “I’ve been avoiding him.”
“You’ve had a rough couple of days, babe. I’m sorry for my part in all of it,” Hillary replied. “But it is getting late, and I don’t want you driving back in the dark if you’re upset.”
“Will you tell me about Caroline?” Amara asked.
“I’ll tell you everything.”
“Then, after we talk, I’ll decide if I want to stay.”
“Should I start at the beginning?” Hillary asked.
“Yes.”
Amara moved to place her legs in Hillary’s lap so that she could lie down. It had been a long couple of days with a restless night in between. She wanted to talk, but the emotions mixed with her day of walking had exhausted her.
“So, a little over a year ago, I saw this girl in a coffee shop.” Hillary smirked at her. “And that’s where my life began.” She rubbed up and down Amara’s legs.
“Nice try.” Amara couldn’t help but giggle.
“I knew that wouldn’t work.” Hillary smiled and let out a deep breath. “You know how things ended with Caroline and me; I’ve told you what happened.”
“You told me what happened, but not how it felt for you,” Amara reminded.
“Oh, wow! Well, that’s tough to describe, because I’m still trying to figure it out.”
“Start with what you know,” Amara said.
“I know I was destroyed,” Hillary replied. “We were together for over three years. In the beginning, it was great. Then, the drinking got out of control, and she wouldn’t admit it was a problem. The things she said to me back then…” She faded. “It just reminded me of how my mom used to talk to me; I felt like a kid all over again. I was a disappointment no matter what I did. I couldn’t even load the dishwasher right.” She chuckled. “We had one of our worst fights because I put a glass on the bottom rack.”
“Oh, Hill.”
“I thought she’d ruined me there for a while. I didn’t tell any of my friends, because I was so embarrassed that I’d allowed it to continue. I mean, me!” she exclaimed and pointed at herself. “The feminist, Women’s Studies teacher, the woman who is all about people being themselves.”
“Hillary, that doesn’t matter.”
“Do you know the worst part?” she asked.
“No.”
“It didn’t end because of the drinking or how she treated me; it ended because we couldn’t agree on a wedding, whether or not to have kids, or where to live. The whole relationship ended because we weren’t right for each other after all.” She allowed a tear to stream down her face.
Amara sat up and swiped her thumb under Hillary’s eye to claim the tear for her.
“I didn’t even end it because she treated me poorly; it was because she took a promotion. I don’t know what would have happened had she decided to stay here. Maybe we’d be married by now.”
“Do you really believe that?” Amara asked.
“I don’t know; I hope not. I hope that I would have eventually broken up with her over how she treated me. But I was different back then.”
“You weren’t brave?” Amara asked.
“No, I wasn’t,” Hillary replied.
“You are now, though,” Amara reminded. “Tell me what happened yesterday.”
“Caroline just showed up at my office.” Hillary moved until she was lying down on the sofa. “I hadn’t seen her or talked to her since before she left for London.”
Amara moved to lie next to her. They faced one another while Amara slid hair – that didn’t need sliding – behind Hillary’s ear repeatedly.
“What did she want?”
“More than one thing,” Hillary said. “We went to the coffee cart in the nursing building to talk. She’s back for good, I think. She got a new job, a new place in the city, and she’s making some changes.”
“She wants you back, doesn’t she?” Amara asked and pulled back only slightly to catch the expression on Hillary’s face.
“How did you know?”
“Because I would,” Amara said. “If I ever lost you, I’d want you back.”
“That’s sweet.” Hillary smiled at her.
“I mean it, Hill,” Amara said sincerely and ran her hand down Hillary’s side. “You’re it for me.”
“I am?” Hillary lifted an eyebrow. “You sure you don’t want to explore out there? I’m the first woman you’ve been with; you haven’t–”
“Do you think that?” Amara stilled her hand. “That I need to be with other women to know I want you?”
“No,” Hillary replied. “I don’t know… It might have been in the back of my mind.”
“This whole time?” Amara pulled back farther, which nearly had her falling off the sofa; Hillary’s arm kept her from falling over. “Did you think I would want to find someone else?” She moved so that she was on top of Hillary instead. “Did you?” she asked softly.
“Amara, I took a massive hit to my self-esteem twice. I’m only now getting some of it back. I’ve been doing this self-improvement thing, and I think it’s going well, but… Yeah, sometimes I’d wonder if I would be your first but not your only,” she admitted.
“Baby,” Amara cooed.
“You’ve never called me that before,” Hillary said.
“I love you.” Amara changed the subject. “I love you so much that even though I was angry with you yesterday, and I still need a lot more information about why you were cheek-kissing someone – that I’m now assuming was your ex-girlfriend – I’m still here. Hill, I loved you a year ago when I first saw you walk into the café. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t feel like I need to sleep around to know that I love you or that I want to be with you.”
“I’m older than you by, like, eight years. I’m not exactly the most attractive woman in the world. I have a lot of ex-girlfriend baggage. I–”
“I love you,” Amara interrupted her. “I love you,” she repeated. “I want to make love with you and only you. I’m still upset with you from yesterday, but I’m on top of you right now, and all I can think about is tearing your clothes off, because I miss touching you, Hill. I won’t give you up, like my mom did. I don’t know if Amara’s words were true today; I don’t know if she loved my dad or if she only ever loved Amara. I do know that I saw the look on her face today, though – when she was talking about how it felt to be without my mom – and I won’t let that be me.”
“Babe, it’s okay.” Hillary ran her hands through Amara’s hair. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Not even with Caroline?”
“No, honey.” Hillary leaned up, kissed Amara’s lips gently, and said, “Caroline knows about you. I told her that I’m with you now. She understands.” Hillary kissed her girlfriend again. “I think it’s good that she’s back now, though. She’s getting help; she’s been sober for a while; and she’s working less. It’s good for her.” Hillary kissed Amara once more. “And it’s good for me. We talked last night. That’s why I wasn’t here. I’m sorry, I should have been here.” She gave Amara’s lips another kiss. “I met her for a late coffee. We talked. I filled her in about you, about how I’m finally so happy, Amara.” She kissed her again.
Amara allowed this kiss to last a little longer, though.
“I went to a meeting with her this morning,” Hillary continued.
“Wait… What?” Amara pulled back.
“An AA meeting for her.” Hillary pulled her back down into a kiss. “She also asked me to go to a therapy session with her next week. I think it’s good. It’ll help her, but it’ll also help me move past all this.” Her lips attached to Amara’s throat, and her teeth nibbled there. “I want to be all in with you. I want both of us to put our pasts behind us and be happy together.”
Amara lowered her body more into Hillary’s, enjoying the warmth of them being pressed together.
“Don’t we have some more talking to do?” Hillary asked as Amara slid a hand up under her shirt.
“Yes, but I want you,” Amara replied. “I wanted you earlier, too, when you held my back. You knew I needed you then.” She kissed Hillary’s neck. “You knew when I needed you to hold my hand. You let me be the one to bring up what I needed to be answered. You never tried to save me, Hill.” She lifted up to meet Hillary’s eyes. “You let me save myself.”
“Because you can.”
Hillary kissed her then. This kiss wasn’t one of the pecks she’d been applying to Amara’s lips only moments before. This kiss told Amara that Hillary wanted her just as much as she wanted Hillary. This kiss told Amara that Hillary was hers and hers alone. Amara’s hand slid down between Hillary’s legs. She wasted no time in undoing her girlfriend’s jeans, sliding into them, and moving her hand under Hillary’s panties to find her wet. Hillary bucked into her. She lifted at Amara’s shirt. She was able to get it off Amara’s body, but it dangled at Amara’s shoulder, because the woman wasn’t removing her hand from Hillary’s center. Hillary pushed at the cups of Amara’s bra, and when her girlfriend’s breasts fell out of them, Hillary grasped them in her palms, squeezed them, and twisted the nipples, earning a groan from Amara.
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