‘I’m not! It’s just what I’m used to. I had friends, I had a boyfriend!’
‘Really?’ I was interested. ‘A boyfriend?’
‘Yes. I loved him. He loved me. That was part of the problem. My fucking lesbian man-hating mothers didn’t approve of him. Thought he was a fuckstick or whatever . . . So they up and move me out here!’
‘Serious? Is that the reason?’ I raised my eyebrows. ‘Joanie said it was because of her work.’
‘Yeah, it helped that Joan is in the public service. Easy transfer. And I think she really wanted to move and just focus on her career anyway. I guess I was just the clincher.’
‘So what happened?’
Laura took a deep breath. ‘Well, you can’t tell anyone . . .’
‘Yeah, sure.’ I shrugged, trying to hide my curiosity.
‘Oh, bull. I can’t fucking trust you, who am I kidding?’
‘Look,’ I said, ‘you’ve obviously got something grinding your gears so spit it.’
Laura took another big breath, puffed her cheeks out and then exhaled. ‘I got pregnant.’
‘No waaaay . . .’
Laura spoke quickly. ‘Yeah, I did. Dana hit the fucking roof ’cos I was only fifteen at the time. You’d think she was cool, hey? Like she thinks she’s so cool with her fucking butch-dyke-hair-spike thing. She’s so not cool. She wanted me in a freaking chastity belt.’
‘Fifteen. That’s pretty young.’
‘They both wanted me to “consider all the options”. I just wanted to keep my baby. We both did, me and my boyfriend, Trent. We wanted to keep it and raise it. Dana and Joan just kept saying how smart I am, and so young, and how I have such a bright future and how I’d never get to travel or go to parties or finish school. And they didn’t like Trent. Dana kept saying stuff about how he couldn’t support a pair of tits if he was a push-up bra.’
‘So what happened?’
‘Abortion.’
Laura said it so bluntly, I think I flinched.
‘Wow,’ I half whispered, my eyes still wide. ‘That’s . . .’
‘Fucked, I know.’
‘Well, maybe. Maybe not. Look at my mum. You wouldn’t want to be her.’
‘I dunno. I really wanted to keep it.’
‘You get to finish school now. You’re going to uni, aren’t you?’
‘That’s what Dana and Joan were most upset about. She said I’d never get to go to university. I always wanted to be a writer or a journalist. But I would have gone to uni eventually.’
‘You can have a baby eventually. Look at my mum. She’s thirty-three and working behind a bar, never been anywhere, never done anything.’
‘She’s got you. You turned out fine.’
‘Don’t you think she wishes every day she never had me?’
‘Oh, my God, Jez. You are kidding, aren’t you?’ Laura snorted.
‘I’m not kidding.’
‘You don’t see it, do you?’
‘See what?’
‘See how much she loves you!’
‘Then why does she drink so much?’
‘I have no idea. Maybe she’s lonely? Depressed? Bored? Guilty? You’re so busy feeling sorry for yourself —’
‘Oh, right!’ I snapped. ‘I’m feeling sorry for myself.’
‘You really embarrassed her out there. Bringing up her drinking.’
‘She embarrasses herself.’
‘I don’t think so. Dana and Joan like her. She’s got a lot of character, she’s very genuine. And plus she loves you, you can just tell.’
‘So do your parents. I reckon they probably had the best intentions or whatever.’
Laura sighed and pushed her glasses up her nose. She was silent for a long moment.
‘Yeah, yeah. I know Dana and Joanie love me, too. That’s why I can see now why they wanted me to give up the baby.’
‘Really? So you’re not mad at them?’
‘I was mad. Now I’m just . . . It’s confusing. They say one day I’ll thank them.’
‘You reckon?’
‘Maybe. And maybe one day you’ll thank your mum.’
‘For what?’
‘Nobody’s perfect, Jez.’
I pulled my legs up to my chest and rested my chin on my knees. ‘She doesn’t mean to be so hopeless. She’s just an epic life fail.’
‘I think she’s pretty great.’
‘Really?’
I stewed on that for a second, trying to see my mum through Laura’s eyes. It was good how I could pretty much do whatever I wanted. She didn’t nag me too much, she let me have a few drinks and durries every now and then.
‘You should see the way she looks at you. She’s so proud,’ Laura continued. ‘Sort of the same way Lukey looks at you.’
I snapped upright at the mention of Lukey. ‘What’d he say?’
‘Nothing. He doesn’t talk much. You can just tell.’
I could feel my cheeks tingling with a blush.
‘. . . you’re his best friend.’
‘Yeah. Best friend,’ I echoed.
My mobile vibrated in my pocket. I fished it out; the screen flashed with an incoming call: Casey. It’d been nearly a week since we’d spoken.
‘Hey,’ I answered, trying not to sound deflated.
‘Got your voicemail! Come over!’
‘Why?’ I perked up a little at the thought of seeing Cash. ‘What’s happening?’
‘Party in the city tonight, wear something hot.’
‘Hot?’
‘Yeah! Aitch. Oh. Tee. Haaaawt! Something slutty but classy, y’know? Dressed up to get messed up! Frocked up to get fucked up!’
‘I don’t have any dresses, really. Hey, is Cash there?’
‘I’ll lend you a dress! Just come over! Cash just left. He said to say hi.’
‘Oh, okay.’ My heart sank a little. ‘Where’d he go?’
‘Down the caravan with my parents.’
‘Batehaven? How long for?’
‘JEZ!’ Casey screeched so loud down the phone I had to hold it away from my ear. ‘COME OVER!’
‘Casey,’ I explained to Laura as I shoved the phone back in my pocket. ‘We’re gunna go to a party in the city.’
‘Oh. Sounds fun.’
‘Hey . . . Did you wanna come?’ I felt a flush of niceness come over me. ‘If ya want . . .’
‘Really?’ Laura pushed her glasses up her nose. ‘Do you really want me to come?’
I shrugged. ‘Meh. No dramas, either way.’
Laura hesitated. ‘Sure, I guess so.’
‘Cool.’ I nodded. ‘Should be fun.’
NINETEEN
I sat in a suite at James Court Apartments in the city, in a small living area crammed with people, who alternated puffing on cigarettes and swigging from bottles. I was wedged on a couch between two girls in teeny satiny material dresses and strappy-heeled sandals. One of the girls was Lee, a bony Asian who talked broad bogan crossed with Valley girl; every second word was ‘loike’, ‘fark’ and ‘totally’.
‘So this bitch, roight, loike, totally disses my mates in front of me and I’m loike, Fark you, cunt! Don’t you be farkin’ dissin’ my mates or I’ll rip your farkin’ eyeballs out.’ Lee fluttered her dagger-like acrylic nails in front of my face to illustrate her point.
I tugged uncomfortably at the hem of the black cotton tube dress that Casey had convinced me to wear. When I tried it on at Casey’s house it had seemed sexy, kind of daring. But at the party, seated on the low-slung futon sofa, the dress kept riding up my thighs. I had to keep my legs clamped together. I hugged myself and took a long swig of my gin and tonic. So far the party was a total fizzer. Muscled guys with rat’s tails and designer trackpants and girls with spray-tans and whitened teeth. Not really my sort of crowd. It was going to be a looong night. I seethed inwardly, while plastering this silly smile on my face and trying to follow what Lee was saying.
‘So . . . um . . . did you fight her?’ I asked.
; ‘Nah, I totally wanted to, but I’m a softie really.’ Lee grimaced, twisting her face into a sneer. ‘I’m just real loyal to my mates. No cunt disses my mates.’
‘Totally,’ I agreed, without any enthusiasm.
It looked as though the party had been going for several days; empty bottles of beer were crammed on every flat surface, pizza boxes were piled in a corner behind a floor lamp. I kicked absently at a bottle top that was resting near my foot and craned my neck to see if I could locate Casey through the cluster of bodies crammed inside the apartment. She was in the kitchen doing Jager Bombs with a bunch of dudes in polo shirts and blue jeans. They lined up plastic cups full of Red Bull along the benchtop and on a count of three dropped shots into the bubbling guarana drink. I badly wanted in on the next round. The can of gin and tonic pre-mix Casey had given me when we arrived was a dud on the buzz front.
Laura was standing by the door, arms folded across her chest, looking really uncomfortable. I don’t think she’d moved from that position since we got here. Casey hadn’t been heaps happy about Laura tagging along. She’d pulled me aside at her house.
‘Why’d you invite her for?’ she’d hissed. ‘She, like, totally stole your guy and now you’re, what, BFFs?’
‘Lukey’s not my guy,’ I’d hissed back. ‘I like Cash!’
Casey paused and gave me a superior smile. ‘Oh, Jez.’ She shook her head. ‘Don’t like Cash. Fuck Cash, but don’t like him.’
‘What do you mean?’ I wanted to know, but Laura had returned from the bathroom and our conversation moved to dresses and make-up.
Now Laura was desperately trying to wave at me across the party. ‘COME HERE!’ she mouthed, motioning with a frantic arm.
‘’Scuse me,’ I said to Lee and the other girl.
I struggled to my feet and tottered across the room, my heels sinking and snagging on the thick pile carpet. I stood at Laura’s elbow.
‘What is it?’
‘Some guy just tried to grab my tits,’ she said. ‘This isn’t . . . this isn’t really my sort of crowd, hey.’
‘This isn’t Melbourne, Laura. Just get drunk.’
‘Come home with me, Jez? I rang Dana. She said she’d pay for the taxi.’
‘We just got here!’
‘Pleeease come with me.’ Laura clutched at my forearm. ‘I don’t even know where the taxi rank is.’
‘It’s, like, just across the road. You’ll be fine. I’m gunna stay out.’
Laura looked unconvinced as she surveyed the crowd in the apartment, her face all sad-sack.
‘We could watch Foxtel. I’ve got ice-cream,’ Laura tried again.
‘I want to get maggot.’ I shrugged.
‘Yeah, okay . . . I guess I’ll stay a bit longer.’
‘If you want to go, go.’
‘I don’t want to leave you here. I’m getting a dodgy vibe.’
‘Sure, whatever,’ I replied, annoyed.
I turned from Laura and squeezed into the tiny kitchen area and tried to edge my way into the group that was standing shoulder to shoulder around the kitchen bench.
‘Hey!’ I leaned in towards Casey, yelling over the thumping house music.
Casey snapped her head towards me and grinned. ‘Great party, huh?’ She put her lips so close to my ear I could feel the wetness of her breath. ‘Where’s little Miss Buzzkill?’
I gave a tight-lipped smile. ‘Being a buzzkill by the door.’
‘Ugh! Why’d you even bring her? She’s so fuckin’ blah.’
‘She’s okay.’ I surprised myself by feeling a little defensive of Laura. ‘She doesn’t know anybody in Canberra.’
‘So many hot guys here!’ Casey was still slurring into my ear.
‘Totes.’ I nodded. Whateveeeer. ‘Fix me up with a shot?’
Casey nodded towards a guy with a pencil-thin strip of facial hair that ran along his jawline from ear to ear, and over his top lip. He was talking animatedly to a guy directly opposite him, waving a half-full bottle of Jagermeister.
‘It’s Damien’s bottle,’ she yelled.
Beard-guy turned at the sound of his name and ran his eyes over me. I stuck out my chest and tossed my hair back a bit, blinking through the thick eye make-up that Casey had applied to my face. I felt like a total fraud, like a freaking android trying to pass for a human being. Beard-guy was too drunk to notice my insecurity.
‘I like your piercings,’ he said.
‘I like your . . .’ I paused for a second, trying to think. Don’t say Jagermeister, don’t say Jagermeister. ‘Jagermeister,’ I said.
He looked surprised for a second, then laughed. ‘Jager Bomb?’ he said, already grabbing a plastic cup.
He poured shots for himself, Casey and me.
‘I’m Damo,’ bearded-guy introduced himself.
‘Jessica,’ I replied. I felt like saying, I don’t give a fuck what your name is, just gimme the goddamn shot.
‘What should we cheers to?’ he shouted, holding up his shot between thumb and forefinger.
I shrugged.
‘To getting fucked uuuup!’ Casey yelled and dropped her shot into her Red Bull.
I dropped my shot and tipped the liquid down my throat in two gulps, enjoying the sweet syrupy taste. I licked my lips.
‘Another?’ Damo asked, not waiting for a reply as he stepped around Casey and poured the rest of a Red Bull can into my cup.
I grinned; free alcohol was good alcohol. Maybe this wasn’t going to be such a shitty night after all.
After three bombs I began to feel good. The alcohol was warming my limbs and the conversation began to fall easily from my lips. My head was like a balloon, lolling around on the top of my neck, swinging from side to side in attempts to follow the conversation. I couldn’t take in everything at once, so I smiled and pretended I was listening, which didn’t really matter because nobody was really talking to each other anymore, just yelling random drunken observations then hooting with laughter.
‘Where’s the bathroom?’ I leaned into Casey, yelling over the thumping techno music.
‘Ensuite,’ she replied, throwing a hand towards a door, not even bothering to meet my eyes as she continued her conversation.
As I turned away from Casey and headed towards the bathroom, I nodded at Laura who had taken up my old position on the couch next to Lee. She was smiling. It looked like she’d dislodged whatever was stuck up her arse.
As I pushed my way to the bedroom door an older guy—maybe in his late twenties or thirties?—with black slicked back hair wearing a light-pink polo shirt turned up at the collar, stepped in front of me, met my eyes and gave me a wink.
‘Hey, baby,’ he said, putting his arms on either side of the doorframe, blocking my path, tossing a sideways look at his mates to see if he was getting their approval. They sniggered loudly.
‘Excuse me,’ I muttered, head down, and pushed past him.
‘Hey, hey . . .’ The guy grabbed my forearm. ‘Where’re you going?’
‘To the toilet,’ I said, and shook him off my arm.
‘Can I come?’ The guy grabbed me from behind, his hands on my hips, and rubbed himself against the small of my back.
I turned quickly and looked desperately to where Casey was standing in the kitchen, distracted, lining up more shots.
‘Just fuck off, okay?’ I didn’t sound confident. The guy stepped in and closed his arms around me.
‘How ’bout a dance, then?’ he whispered so close to my ear I could feel drops of spittle land on my neck.
I pushed him backwards with my elbows. ‘I need to go to the toilet, okay?’
‘Can I come?’ the guy said again and laughed. ‘Give me a little head job, okay? Just a little bit of something, okay?’
‘You’ve got to be kidding.’ I narrowed my eyes, trying to get my bitch on. ‘Gross.’
As I turned towards the ensuite bedroom, I felt the sharp pinch of fingers pulling at the flesh on my butt cheek and an involuntary shiver of disgust s
hot up my spine. I snapped around and swung, driving my open right palm up into his nose as hard as I could and then followed it with a kick to his crotch that found air because the guy was already stumbling backwards from the surprise force of the blow.
‘FUCK! You fucking cunt!’ the guy screamed, clutching his face. When he opened his hands in front of him there were smears of blood from the trickle that ran over his lips.
‘Jez!’ Casey was at my side. ‘What the fuck did you do?!’
I shrugged, and straightened myself on my strappy heels. I could feel the eyes of everybody in the apartment, bodies jostling for position to cop a load of the skinny girl in the too-tight black tube dress who had just slammed her hand into some guy’s nose. Laura came from the other side of the room and was tugging at my elbow.
‘Let’s get out of here, Jez, please, let’s just go,’ she pleaded urgently.
Casey looked from me to the guy and back at me. ‘Jez! What the fuck happened?!’
I didn’t get a chance to explain. The guy’s friends pushed Laura and Casey out of the way and grabbed me by the arms, one on either side, so hard I knew it would leave bruise marks, and steered me towards the front entrance to the apartment.
‘You’re out, missy,’ one of them sneered. ‘Violent little bitch.’
Casey circled us, skipping back and forth, slapping the guys over the head with her purse. ‘Let go of my friend, you wankers!’ She was clearly enjoying her role in all of this, which made me grin in spite of myself.
‘Fuck you, fucking wankers!’ me and Casey screeched as they tossed us out on the street, and we clutched each other and laughed till tears came to our eyes.
TWENTY
‘You are so fucking loose, Jezza,’ Casey cried, and I beamed with pride. ‘Can’t take you anywhere!’
Laura joined us a moment later. ‘Sorry, I had to get my purse!’ she gasped, out of breath. ‘What the hell . . .?’
‘The guy totally deserved it,’ I declared. ‘The wanker asked me to give him a head job in the toilet and then pinched my arse when I told him to fuck off!’
‘So you punched him?!’ Casey crowed. ‘Oh, my God, Jezza, why didn’t you just suck him off, it would’ve been a lot easier.’
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