‘Yeah, chuck us one of those Cruisers. Shaz is being a total bitch today.’
‘Ahhh, we’re all a bit hot ’n bothered. I might have a dig in the shed to see if I can find that old shade umbrella.’
‘So if lunch is finished, can I go?’
Mum turned around and handed me a Cruiser. ‘Yeah, I guess so. Where’re you going?’
‘I dunno. Lukey’s probably.’
Mum frowned. ‘Stick ’round just a bit longer? Jeremy just got here.’
‘Muuuum. Please. I’m frying into a little crisp out there and I’m fully gunna just punch Shaz in a minute, she is being so annoying. Barry’s a dirty old man and Greta’s just creepy —’
‘Alright, alright!’ Mum cracked a Cruiser and raised it to her lips. ‘Go on then! Bring Lukey over here a bit later, though. I haven’t seen him in ages.’
‘’Kay. Thanks. I’ll help clean up tomorrow, I promise.’
I went to my room and pulled off my sweaty clothes and stood in front of the fan for a few minutes to cool off before changing into some denim cut-offs and a black singlet top. My hair was damp and prickly on the back of my neck and my throat was already dry with dehydration. Through my bedroom window I could hear the crackle and rumble of a motorbike approaching from down the street. My heart leapt with excitement. Cash.
I didn’t even have time to reapply my melting make-up. I tugged on my sneakers and flew out the front door then dug my heels in to slow down as Cash’s motorbike pulled into the Hollands’ driveway. I stuck my thumbs into the pockets of my shorts and tried to look casual as I walked across the front lawn.
‘Hey!’ I smiled as Cash undid his helmet and dismounted the bike. ‘What’s been going on?’
‘Hey yourself. I just rode back from the coast,’ Cash said, coming over and giving me a little hug. ‘I’ve got some friends in town I need to catch up with.’
‘Casey down the coast still?’
‘Yeah, she drove down yesterday. I think she’s gunna stay till New Year’s. Perfect life for her. Sunbathing, reading magazines and flirting with coasties.’
‘Heaven for Casey.’
‘Pretty much. How’s your Christmas going?’
‘Oh, great . . .’ I trailed off for dramatic effect. ‘My mum and a bunch of the drunks from down the club.’
‘Hey!’ Jeremy called from over our back fence. ‘I thought I heard your bike. How’s it goin’, mate?’
‘And Jeremy.’ I jerked my thumb. ‘I forgot to mention Jeremy.’
‘Cash, mate, happy Christmas and all that.’ Jeremy let himself through the gate and clapped his hand into Cash’s palm, looking back and forth between us, kind of embarrassed-like. ‘Does your mum know you’re . . . erm . . . out here, Jez?’
‘Yeah.’ I leaned against Cash’s motorcycle seat, trying to be casual. ‘It’s fine.’
‘She’s not in the best mood now, ya mum.’ Jeremy shifted and kicked at a clump of crab-grass with his sneaker toe. ‘Shaz is goin’ off tap . . .’
‘Fuck me.’ I sighed. ‘Shaz is always off tap.’
‘Yeah, she’s all bent up about the New Year’s thing.’
‘Hey, you guys hear?’ Cash leaned back next to me against his motorbike, our arms touching. ‘Our parents are staying down at the caravan for New Year’s. We’re gunna have a party at ours, me and Casey.’
‘Fuck yeah!’ I was excited.
‘You gotta come, too, Jeremy.’
‘Yeah, I dunno. See what Hel wants to do, eh . . .’
‘Ohhhhoho . . .’ Cash whooped. ‘Pussy-whipped already.’
‘Naw . . .’
‘Um, I don’t really want to party with my mum on New Year’s.’
‘Ha ha, yeah, fair enough.’ Cash grinned. ‘Your mum’s alright though. A bit of a MILF.’
‘Fuck OFF!’ I gave Cash a hard shove in his side.
‘Joking! Geez!’
‘That’s my lady your talkin’ about, mate.’
Cash held up both palms. ‘Jokes! Sorry!’
‘Not funny.’
Jeremy shook his head. ‘I better go check on your mum, hey, Jez . . .’
I could hear Mum and Shaz’s shrieks before the front flyscreen crashed open.
‘Oh, fucking hell.’ I stood bolt upright, like one of the meerkats on those animal docos.
‘I told you! I’m comin’ to the friggin’ club later!’ Mum stumbled off the front step, bending back and forth like long grass in a breeze.
‘It’s the principle!’ Shaz shouted. ‘You’re s’posed to be my best friend! Mates before dates!’
‘I’m not talkin’ ’bout this anymore. Jeremy! Jeeerrrreeemmmy!’ Mum slurred. ‘Shaz’s had enough. You’re cutting her off.’
‘Jeremy! Jeremy!’ Shaz echoed in a high-pitched voice. ‘Tell Helen I’m a fuckin’ grown woman and I’ve had enough when I’ve fuckin’ had enough!’
‘Jez!’ Mum clocked me and then looked at Cash and then back to me again. ‘Jez, what’re you doin’ over there with that boy?! He’s too old for you, I already told you. How old are ya?’ Mum stood a metre in front of Cash, squinting her drunken eyes, jabbing a finger in the direction of his chest.
‘Twenty-five,’ Cash said, kind of smirking, which I found both annoying and sexy at the same time.
‘You dating my daughter?!’
‘We’re just good mates,’ Cash replied, punching my arm casually. My heart sank a little.
‘Yeah, we’re just mates, Mum,’ I said, kinda hollow.
‘Right.’ Mum stood up a bit straighter as if to say, Well, that’s that, then. She turned around and swayed again, facing Shaz who was rocking back on her ugly black suede ankle boots. ‘And, Shaz, you’re cut off! Jeremy, cut Shaz off!’
‘Cut yourself off, Helen Breville!’
‘What does Helen Breville mean?’ Cash asked.
A blue Holden Commodore pulled up on our front lawn. Linda and Davo. Their son—Jaxon? Jason?—peered out of the back window, curiously assessing us with wide child eyes. Davo stepped out from the driver’s side and rested his elbows on the roof of the car.
‘This a bad time?’ he said, looking at our red angry faces, everyone facing off across our driveway. ‘What’s going on?’
Everyone just kind of looked at each other. Mum and Shaz were faced off like two bulls wearing crochet knits and elastic-sided jeans, Jeremy and Cash watched on, kind of fascinated, I looked at Linda and her son, who still hadn’t got out of the car, and Davo looked at all of us, waiting for somebody to speak.
‘This Christmas is OVER,’ Mum shrieked, before she spun on her heel and dashed inside the house.
Mum couldn’t even finish an argument. Fucking hopeless. I guessed it was up to me to sort out shit.
I walked over to Davo and Linda wound down her window. ‘Um, I think everyone’s just had a bit too much wine and sun,’ I said, trying to sound adult. ‘Maybe drop back another time?’
‘Sure, Jez,’ Linda said. ‘No problem.’ She looked strangely relieved as she turned to Davo. ‘Let’s go, honey.’
‘Do you reckon you could give Shaz a lift home?’ I asked Davo. ‘I know she lives near you guys.’
I turned back to Shaz without waiting for Davo to reply.
‘Shaz! In the car. Now.’ And to my surprise she staggered over and fell into the back seat next to the kid, her face slack and sour with booze. Davo wasted no time in driving away.
‘Jeremy,’ I barked. ‘Go check on Mum for fuck’s sake.’
‘Right, sure thing.’ Jeremy loped, shoulders hunched, towards the house.
I met Cash’s eyes, which were twinkling with amusement.
‘Are all your parties that good, Jez?’
‘Oh, yeah . . . better,’ I tried to joke, but I felt absolutely sick in the stomach.
‘You were pretty awesome just then, hey? Bossing everyone around.’
‘Yeah,’ I said weakly, realising that my legs were shaking.
‘Hey, hey . . .’ Cash put his arm
s around me. ‘Don’t be upset. It’s no big deal.’
I wanted to explain that I’d had enough of my mum and her gross friends, I’d had enough of living in a shitty little grey-brick box house in a suburb that felt like it was fixed on a cliff at the end of the earth, that I’d had enough of booze, and fighting, and this whole scorching claustrophobically hot summer.
‘Can I come with you?’ I met Cash’s eyes, I was testing him. ‘When you leave? You said I could come with you.’
Cash flinched. I already knew the answer.
‘Yeah, about that. It’s probably not such a good idea.’
‘I gotta go.’ I wriggled out of Cash’s arms.
‘Jez! JEZ!’ Cash called after me, but I was already halfway up the street, running towards Lukey’s house.
TWENTY-FIVE
Even as the last light moved over the Tuggeranong Valley, you could have fried an egg on the tin roof of the high school gym where Lukey and I sat, dangling our legs over the side, sharing a fat joint. I kept having to rock back and forth so the backs of my thighs wouldn’t burn.
Our pingers were just about to kick in and even though everything was mostly peaceful except for a few cockatoos and kids playing out late on their bikes, the noise of Christmas Day was still clanging around in my head. The first waves of the pill made me feel anxious instead of euphoric. There was a horrible warmth in my lower guts like I needed to ‘strangle a brown snake’, as Barry would say.
‘I got an Xbox game from Dad. That was alright,’ Lukey said, even though I hadn’t asked. ‘We just mostly spoiled Ashleigh today. She still expects stuff, y’know? Like, she hasn’t got to that age where you realise Christmas is a capitalist thing. Like, just a boost for the economy.’
‘Economy? Where’re you getting this stuff from?’
‘Josh, my cousin, reckoned that on Facebook. I reckon he’s right, though.’
‘Oh, okay.’ I swallowed hard and clenched my jaw.
‘You okay?’
I exhaled with a breathy whoosh. ‘Full on today. Mum ’n that. Fucked up, really.’
Lukey nodded and jumped to his feet, picking up a tree branch that’d fallen onto the roof. I scratched at a mosquito bite on my elbow.
‘I booked a bus.’
‘Really? When do you leave?’
‘New Year’s. Like right on midnight.’
‘Serious? Why?’
‘All-ages show on New Year’s Day that I’m going to with my cousin.’
‘You’ll miss Cash and Casey’s party.’
‘I’ll come. Just have to leave a bit early.’
‘You got much money?’
‘Yeah, I’ve been making a motza in pills. Everybody wants one for Newies.’
‘How many’d you sell?’
‘Heaps. I’m nearly out. Saved a handful for us.’
‘I’ll come to the bus station with you.’
Lukey nodded and sat back down next to me, real close so our legs were touching. I shivered involuntarily and my hands felt all clammy.
‘Full-on pills.’
‘Yeah.’ Lukey brushed his fringe out of his eyes. ‘Listen . . . I booked two seats.’
‘Two seats?’
‘In case you change your mind.’
‘Oh.’ My head swam. I really wanted to lie down. I rested my head on Lukey’s shoulder and closed my eyes and reminded myself to breathe.
‘If you don’t come . . . well . . . more leg room for me.’
‘It’s a long bus ride, hey?’
‘Eight hours I think. Maybe nine.’
‘What are you taking? What about your bike and games and stuff?’
‘I might take the Xbox. I dunno. See how much room’s in my bag. Hey, Jez?’
‘Mmmm?’ My eyes were still closed.
‘I got this for you.’ Lukey gently pried my balled fist open and pressed a small tissue-papered package into my palm. ‘For Christmas and that.’
I sat upright, woozily. ‘Hey, you got a smoke?’ I felt out of it. Fucked up.
‘Open that first.’
‘Okay.’ I unwrapped the tissue paper. Inside were two silver rings.
‘For your snake bite,’ Lukey explained. ‘When it’s all healed up, you can take the studs out and put these in, if you want.’ Then he took my face in his hands and ran his thumbs along my bottom lip.
‘See, it feels much nicer . . .’ Lukey kissed me, his silver piercings smooth and cold against my skin. ‘When you’ve got rings in your lip.’
Whooosh. I let out another huge lungful of air.
‘Thanks,’ I whispered. ‘Sorry I didn’t get you anything.’
‘No worries.’ Lukey smiled and dug in his pocket. ‘Smoke?’
‘No.’ I leaned in closer. ‘Kiss. Again.’
And we spent the rest of the night just like that.
TWENTY-SIX
On Boxing Day I got up early and cleaned up the backyard. Mum came out of her bedroom at some point and took a glass of water and some panadol back to bed with her. I dumped stinking plates of creamy salad, empty bottles and cans and ashtrays into the bin and hosed off the outdoor table, turning the hose on myself and slurping straight from the end of it when the morning sun crept up a little too high.
‘Mum?’ I knocked on Mum’s bedroom door and carefully pushed it open. I didn’t know if Jeremy had stayed the night. ‘You awake?’
‘Yep,’ Mum rasped, her voice croaky. ‘What is it?’
‘I want to talk. Can I come in?’
‘Can it wait till later? I feel like hell.’
‘I’ll be quick.’
‘What?’ Mum hitched herself up on her elbows. ‘Come here, sit.’
I switched on her water cooler fan and sat next to her on the bed. She fluffed up her pillows and sat up a bit, her chin still resting on her chest. There were puffy circles under her bloodshot eyes and her hair was all mashed on one side.
‘So what’s going on?’
‘I just wanted to tell you that I think I’m going to move out.’
‘WHAT?!’ Mum sat up a little bit straighter. ‘What? When? When did you decide this?’
‘Last night. Well . . . sort of . . . I mean I’ve been thinking about it for ages but I guess . . . Yeah. Last night.’
‘Where are you going?’
‘To Melbourne. With Lukey.’
‘Lukey talked you into this?’
‘No! He’s going and I want to go, too.’
‘This is crazy, Jez. You’re not even eighteen. What about school? How are you going to afford this?’
‘I don’t want to live here anymore. It’s just no good.’
‘You’re not answering my questions.’
‘Lukey’s gunna spring a bus fare for me and we’ve got friends to crash with until I find some work and then I guess I’ll rent a room or something.’
There was a long silence, just the whirring of the water cooler fan. Mum and I looked at each other dead in the eyes. Hers were narrowing a little, studying my face. I didn’t want to back down. In the end, she looked away.
Mum shrugged. ‘Okay.’
Now it was me narrowing my eyes. ‘What do you mean, “okay”?’
‘Like, okay, when are you leaving?’
‘That’s it? You’re okay with this?’
‘Yeah. Did you want me to throw you a going away party, Jez?’ A note of sarcasm crept into Mum’s voice. ‘Okay. Go. Just go.’
‘WHAT?!’ I jumped off the bed as all the blood in my body rushed to my head, then I sat back down almost immediately, dizzy as hell. ‘What do you mean?’
‘You should go. Just go, then.’
I felt sick to my stomach. She’s been waiting for this moment for seventeen years . . .
‘What do you mean, just go?!’ I repeated, hissing. ‘Oh, so you’ve got Jeremy now so you want me out of the way, is that it? You can’t wait to get rid of me?’
Mum straightened her neck. ‘Jez, didn’t you just tell me a minute ago that you wanted to move ou
t? I’m not kicking you out.’
‘Yes, but now I know that you don’t even care if I leave! You never even asked me why I’m leaving!’
‘Because you want to move to Melbourne?’
‘No! I’m leaving because of you! Because I’m sick of you drinking and being down at the club all the time and spending your time with that bitch Shaz and that loser Jeremy instead of with me!’
‘Oh, turn it up, Jez.’
‘NO! I want you to LISTEN to me.’
‘Jez, I offer to spend time with you. You’re busy with your friends.’
I was caught out. It was true. I nearly always blew Mum off.
‘That’s not the point. You always do this. You turn it around so it’s all about you.’
‘What is the point? That I drink too much? Yeah, I do.’ Mum rubbed her temples. ‘You know that’s something I really want to change. Especially after yesterday. Worst Christmas ever, right?’
‘Mum, don’t try to change the subject, seriously.’
‘Sorry, the subject is?’
I was floundering like a fish out of water. The conversation wasn’t going the way I’d planned it in my head.
‘That . . . that . . . you don’t want me here. That you want to live with Jeremy now.’
Mum laughed. ‘Oh, Jez . . . I’m not moving in with Jeremy. Not for a long time yet. We’re just getting to know each other.’
‘Then why do you want me to leave?’
‘Why do you want to leave?’
‘I told you! Because of YOU!’
‘I don’t know what you want me to say, Jez. I mean, you’ve fed yourself on a diet of telly and movies to the point where you seem to think I should be some sort of television mum.’
Oh, fuck.
‘And the thing is I’ve tried, Jez, I really really have. I want to go out to the movies with you, or to dinner, or go shopping. I would love to. But you’re a teenage girl and you’d rather be dead than seen with your fat old mum, I get that.’
My face burned. ‘I’m sorry . . .’
‘You have a room here. You have free rent, free food, a mum who loves you more than anything. You don’t even realise how hard it is out there. You don’t even realise how lucky you are.’
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