Supernatural Dating Agency - The Complete Collection (Books 1-6)

by Andie M. Long

  The Complete Collection

  Supernatural Dating Agency Books 1-6

  Andie M. Long

  Contents

  The Vampire Wants a Wife

  A Devil of a Date

  Hate, Date, or Mate?

  Here for the Seer

  Didn’t Sea it Coming

  Phwoar and Peace

  About the Author

  Also by Andie M. Long

  The Vampire Wants a Wife

  Chapter One

  Shelley

  Another freaking lunatic.

  After a year in business running a dating agency, I still got frustrated by pranksters or insane people who wrote out ridiculous application forms. This loser obviously had nothing better to do as he had filled out the entire questionnaire extensively. Most morons put a stupid name like Superman and then followed it up with swear words as the answer to every question. Seeing as this one had made an effort, and it was Monday morning and my coffee hadn’t sunk in yet, I decided to sit back and read it. Perhaps I’d print it off for when I wrote my book at the end of my dating agency career, Confessions of a Matchmaker.

  Name: Theodore Robert Landry

  Date of birth: 1 January 1891

  Age: 126

  Hair: Black

  Skin colour: Alabaster

  Height: Six feet two inches.

  Weight: Perfect.

  Any distinguishing features?

  I’m a vampyre, so fangs?

  Place of Birth:

  Goodacres Farm, Withernsea, East Yorkshire

  Current address:

  The Basement, 27 Sea View Road, Withernsea. (I was thrown out of my place of birth on becoming a vampire. I’m on a quest to win my home back, but currently my duel has not been accepted. They keep sending a policeman around asking me to desist).

  Any family history of note:

  All deceased, I was the only family member to survive. The rest of my family were drained of their blood. It was difficult at first but it’s true time is a healer. I think fondly of them now. It’s quite usual for a newly turned vampire to kill their family members by accident.

  Favourite food:

  A classic O-neg, preferably drunk straight from the source. I note you don’t ask blood type on your application. That may be something for you to consider for future.

  Ideal dating venue:

  Can only be after 8pm up until 4am to be on the safe side. A nice, dark environment such as a park, graveyard, nightclub, restaurant (I can eat human food, but it has no calorific value for me) would be ideal.

  Reason for Application

  I have been trying to find a wife now for several years. I am extremely good looking and have a vast intellect due to my many years on this earth. Unfortunately, when I discuss the fact my girlfriend would have to be turned into a vampire and be my wife long into the eternal light, they leave. Usually rather rapidly. I am therefore reaching out in these modern times to your dating agency. Your tagline promises to find ‘your ideal partner’. My ideal partner preferably would be a vampire like myself, complete with no heartbeat, but should you not have such members on your books, a beautiful human lady who is willing to be turned would suffice.

  Jesus! I clicked on the attached photograph, fully expecting to see a dick pic but instead there was a picture of a pale-faced God-like creature. He couldn’t be real because he was far too fucking hot. It would be a model shot. I quickly did a Google image search of the photo, but nothing came back. Hmm, interesting.

  At that point the door burst open, making me upend my still hot coffee down my front. I jumped up and down doing the dance of the scalded, wafting my top and holding it away from my skin. “Oh, God. Oh fucking God. That’s hot. That is fucking hot.”

  “Oh my, he is fucking hot,” said my assistant and best friend, Kim, looking at my screen. “You fanning yourself for a coffee burn or for this stud muffin?”

  “Want to share why you’re an hour late?” I’d long ago learned to expect Kim when I saw her. She never missed an appointment or meeting but believed her hours were completely flexible.

  “I got the chance for a penis power hour, so I took it,” she said, unfazed. “Anyway, go dry your top while I read this application.”

  “I’m going to pop to Ebony’s downstairs and buy a new one. Screw it.” Our office was situated above a boutique, on a block that housed a cafe and a pet grooming salon. It was a great mix of female business owners and we had a collective that met monthly, Female Entrepreneurs do it with their colleagues. I’d not had the heart to tell Jax from the cafe that it sounded all kinds of wrong. She was a sensitive soul and likely to close the cafe for a few days if upset, and no one needed a lack of coffee and cake. No one.

  I walked down the back stairs, out to the rear of the property and through the front entrance of the shop. Ebony took one look at me and shook her head.

  “I know. Kim made me spill my coffee down myself.”

  “Oh, honey,” Ebony said in her cut-glass accent. “Kimmy did you a huge favour. That top needs a cremation. RIP to the shapeless v-neck.”

  I groaned. Ebony was always trying to give me a makeover, and I just liked to keep things simple. Truthfully, I wasn’t a power suit kind of girl. I preferred to meet clients looking like someone they felt comfortable to chat with intimately. It was through getting to know them that I knew who to match them up with. I was amazing at my job and had one of the most successful dating agencies in England. The irony being that the only person I couldn’t find an ideal date for was myself. Running through my own application there had so far been no one who had measured up as a fit for me. I was awkward and picky and destined to be on my own forever.

  “Here we go. This is what we need you in, darling. It will highlight that red hair and pale skin.” Ebony held up a black tight tank top with a red rose on the front. It had an overlay of black netting. It would go with the skinny jeans I was wearing, but goth girl really wasn’t me. I was a jeans and plain tee wearing girl who on the rare occasion she got dressed up would wear floral tea dresses.

  “Have you got something else, a little lighter in colour?” I asked.

  “No, sorry, I have nothing else in your size.”

  I looked around the rest of the well-stocked boutique and raised an eyebrow.

  Ebony exuded calm. “All of this stock is pre-ordered. You can only have the top you’re holding.”

  I sighed and handed over my credit card and went into the changing rooms to change it over. Looking in the dressing room mirror I saw that Ebony was totally right. It really did suit my complexion. Maybe I should adopt a goth girl persona and start watching The Corpse Bride and wear black lipstick?

  Ebony clapped her manicured hands complete with red talons when I emerged from the changing rooms. “Look at you. A vision. Can I curl your hair up a little before you leave?”

  “No.” I snapped. “Leave me alone, you’re giving me a complex.”

  “Darling, you keep wondering why you’re single and I’m trying to help you. He’s coming you see. The one for you. We need you ready for him.”

  I raised an eyebrow again. “Ebony, are you pissed from last night still? How many voddies did you have? Or, do you have a bottle behind the counter again because I’ve told you, it will put customers off if you dance with them. How many times have we had this conversation now?”

  Ebony’s gaze darted towards the door, then she lowered her voice. “Look, I will confess all. I drink vodka at times because the thoughts become too much, too intense. If I’m a little mellow, I can cope and they dissipate. Otherwise I get b
ad migraines. Anyway, I’ve not had any alcohol today, but I’m receiving strong thoughts when you are around. That you must be prepared because your ‘one’ is coming.”

  I rubbed at my eyes. It was a day for lunatics. I needed to chat to Kim and Jax about keeping a close eye on Ebony because she seemed a little mentally fragile. It was a struggle to run a business on your own, and maybe she’d reached for the alcohol a few times too many. I decided the best thing to do was to purchase the top and let her do my hair.

  She sat me on a stool at the counter and wound my long hair around tongs until I had the most beautiful spiral curls. I would never have taken the time to do this for myself. Ebony reached for some cosmetics that she had displayed under the counter and I was about to protest when her mouth set in a pout. I sighed and let her put makeup on me. I could always call down the corner shop on the next block for some baby wipes to take it off. In the meantime, three customers had come in and were watching Ebony at work. It turned into a makeup class. I felt like I was on freaking QVC.

  “Voila. Go back to the changing rooms and see!”

  I hopped off the stool and looked at myself in the mirror. I hardly recognised the person looking back. She’d put bronzer on my face and used the cosmetics to give me a healthy glow instead of my usual wan look.

  “Okay,” I come back out. “I admit defeat. You’re amazing.”

  “I know.” She smiled as she wrapped up makeup sets for the three women who were watching. “You need this.” She holds up a fourth set. “So altogether that’s fifty-three pounds eighty pence with your staff discount.” She waved the credit card I’d handed over earlier and I nodded and watched as she rang me up. I was going to kill Kim. That coffee spill had set me back a small fortune.

  I went back upstairs and stood in the doorway. Kim was still sitting in front of my computer.

  “So, what do you need me to do…” She paused. “Holy, fuck, where’s Shelley? Seriously, where’s she gone? Who is this beautiful creature in front of me? I’m straight as they come but hell, I reckon I could be persuaded.”

  I crossed my arms. “Ebony decided I needed a makeover, and it’s cost me the best part of sixty quid so don’t expect a bonus this month.”

  “Hey.” Kim waved her hands in the air. “I wasn’t the one who got so flustered looking at Mr Hot Vampire that I spilled my drink down myself.”

  “Oh yes. That reminds me, can you contact him and send him a decline email?”

  Kim looked down at the floor. “Oh, where’s my earing gone?”

  I gave her a pinched stare. “You don’t have pierced ears, Kim. Sit up straight and look me in the eyes. What have you done?”

  “Welllll…” She bit on her lip. “His photo is reaalllly hot, and I thought we didn’t get too many sexy men coming in, so I sent him an appointment for the next stage.”

  “You did what?” I screamed. “He’s obviously a complete nutcase. What if he really thinks he’s a vampire and tries to bite one of us?”

  “I don’t think he would because he’s an old vampyre, spelled the old-fashioned way. He must have got past that fledgling stage long ago.”

  “He’s not a real vampire.”

  “I know, but since True Blood finished, I’m desperately missing Eric. Also, Ian Somerhalder got all married and loved up. Let’s interview the hottie. We can just reject him when his true crazy comes out. I really don’t think he’ll try to bite us. Not if he wants us to find him a wife.”

  “Kim, could you, as my assistant, please get me another coffee, and a chocolate doughnut. Things are stressful today. Now, what time have you arranged for Mr Landry to come for an interview?”

  “I said eight pm, at Hanif’s.”

  “Hanif’s? The Indian restaurant?”

  “Yes, it’s dark. Mr Landry can’t come out before then.”

  “Go get me my coffee. Do not forget the doughnut. In fact, make it two doughnuts. Go now.”

  “God, you’re in a mood. Are you jealous cos I got some this morning?”

  “A box of doughnuts. A box of twelve.” I shouted after her swinging backside.

  Chapter Two

  Shelley

  “So…” Kim tried to look innocent, gazing up through her dark fringe.

  “Why aren’t you looking ready?” I asked her. We’d been working up until we needed to set off for the date. She owed the hours due to her ‘flexitime’ working.

  “So, I can’t make it,” she said. “I totally forgot I had a doctor’s appointment booked for eight. Sorry I double-booked, but I’m sure you’ll be okay with the vamp.”

  I sighed heavily. “Firstly, he is not a real vampire. Secondly, there are no doctors appointments happening after 5pm. It’s England. They all go home for tea. So what the hell are you talking about?”

  “I so do have an appointment.” She pouted. “With Dr Francis Love. In his bedroom, at 8pm.”

  “Go.” I made shooing motions at her with my hands. “I’ve heard enough of your nonsense today. I will deal with Mr Landry. You’d encourage his delusions anyway. I need to make sure he knows I’m not taking any bullshit.”

  “That’s hurtful you know? Saying I talk nonsense. You’re mean. A mean boss. I’ll need to come in late tomorrow so I have time to work through my hurt feelings.”

  With that she gave me a wink and walked through the door, leaving me to grab my fake leather jacket and head to Hanif’s.

  “Hey, Rav. I’m meeting a Mr Landry.”

  Rav, one of the waiters at Hanif’s, had rushed over to greet me on my arrival.

  “Yes, yes. He is here. He asked to be seated in the back corner. I will take you through to him.”

  I followed Rav to the back of the restaurant; the smell of delicious spices wafted up my nose and made my stomach rumble. I’d not had any lunch, having been stuffed full of chocolate doughnuts, and now my body was reminding me it needed sustenance. As Theodore turned to face me, another part of my body made its feelings known. Yeah, my vajayjay definitely needed sustenance. It had been a long time.

  He was even more striking in the flesh. That dark hair and his dark, almost black looking irises contrasted against the paleness of his skin. I thought I was pale, but I think he even outdid me. I wondered if he was anaemic. He had a slight rosy glow to his cheeks, which might have been a little show of embarrassment or nervousness. Oh bless him. He stood up and held out his hand, towering over my five feet seven frame.

  “Miss Linley?”

  I held out my hand. “Mr Landry.”

  His hands were cold to the touch, rather like my feet when I got in bed at night. I felt myself tremble slightly, but that might have been due to him being majorly hot, rather than cold.

  “Call me Theo, please.”

  “Okay, well I’m Shelley.” Like I said, I preferred being down to earth with my clients. Now just to wait for this one to admit to pranking me and we could get on with finding him a match.

  Rav came over to us. “Can I get you any drinks?”

  “Erm, a glass of white wine for me, Rav, please.” I rarely drank on the job but then again, I rarely interviewed a nutcase who thought he was a vampire.

  “Small, or large?”

  “The biggest you have.”

  “Two glasses and you get the bottle free?”

  I sucked on my top lip and nodded, “Sold. Bring the bottle, my man.”

  “And for you, sir?”

  “A glass of red please. Do you have a Merlot?”

  “Yes, sir.” He handed us a menu each. “I shall get your drinks and will be back to take your food order.”

  We nodded.

  “So,” Theo said. “What happens at this follow up interview?”

  I placed a napkin over my lap, feeling edgy and like I needed to do something. “I go through the questionnaire with you. Ask any additional questions I may have and then if everything is in order, I run it through the computer programme back at the agency and see if we have some matches for you.”

  “
And if you don’t?”

  “You can either stay on our books as new people join all the time, or you are of course free to try another agency.”

  “But there are no other agencies in Withernsea.”

  “Yes, but there are agencies around the country, the world even, and the internet is a big place. I’m sure you could find someone.”

  “I have more chance of finding a mate in Withernsea, this is where my kind live.”

  Here it was.

  “Your kind, as in vampire?”

  “Of course. What else could I mean?” He looked at me with a furrowed brow.

  “Er, nothing. Let me get my paperwork out of my bag.”

  “After dinner,” he said. “Let’s enjoy the meal first and you can get to know me better.”

  Great. I had planned to go through the questionnaire, declare him unsuitable and hot tail it out of here. Although looking at the menu I could see they had prawn puri, my absolute favourite. Hey, hang on, vampires couldn’t be near garlic, could they? That’s what Kim said. So what would happen if I ordered a garlic and coriander naan bread? Hmmm. I decided to go along with his fantasy world and turn his prank against him.

  Our drinks arrived and Rav got his notebook and pen ready.

  “And for you, sir?”

  I hated that. Why did they ask the guy what they wanted first? Totally sexist. Bastard.

  “I will just have a chicken balti, with a plain naan bread. Thank you.”

  “No starter for you, sir?”

  “No thank you. I’m afraid I already ate a little before I came.”