by Lisa Ladew
The man with a crew cut knelt next to Charlene and Kerry before they could disentangle themselves. He looked right at Charlene, and she could barely stand the heat from his gaze. She stole small glances at him as he was talking but couldn’t look right at him. “Dropping to the ground could be a very smart move if you knew what to do from there. Good job.”
Charlene tried to smile and say thank you but she was pretty sure all that came out was “thay oo.” She cursed herself for her nerves. If he had shown up on her hospital floor she was certain she could have said anything she wanted to him. She was out of her element, that was all.
The man pushed himself up and joined John at the front, but not before Charlene thought he reminded her of someone. She thought hard, but couldn't grasp it. John remarked lightly on what he had seen most people do and how they had ended up. He told them to change roles and do it again so everybody in the room got the experience of trying to get away without really knowing what to do.
After a few moments, John stopped the class and this time he showed them a pressure point underneath the elbow. “If anyone wraps their arm around your neck you’ll want to dig upwards with your thumb and apply pressure to this exact spot. You will be able to force them to open their arms in an instant. Original aggressors, line up behind your victims and try again. Victims, let them have it.”
Kerry jumped at the chance to choke out her older sister again. Charlene shoved her thumb in the spot she thought she was supposed to hit, but Kerry only clamped down harder. The man who had shattered her ability to speak clearly a few moments before showed up at her side again. He grasped her hand lightly and moved it, positioning her thumb right in the center of two fat muscles on the bottom side of Kerry's arm. Charlene felt his touch go through her in a heartbeat and she tried to concentrate. He pressed lightly on the underside of her hand, encouraging her to dig in. Finally, Charlene was able to get her muscles to work. She pressed relentlessly with the thumb and was gratified when Kerry exhaled violently and pulled her arms back quickly.
“Perfect Miss, uh, what is your name?”
“Charlene,” Charlene whispered, happy to hear something come out of her mouth.
“Perfect, Charlene. You’re a natural.” He patted her on the shoulder and moved on to the next couple.
Kerry watched him go, eyes wide narrowed, rubbing the underside of her arm, then turned back to her sister. “That frickin hurt. Turn around, it’s your turn.”
They practiced several more times until John called their attention from the front.
“That was a taste of what we are going to teach you here over the next few weeks. Relic has a few words to say now about exactly when to use these tactics you will be learning and why they are important.”
Relic? His name was Relic? What a beautiful and unusual name.
Relic stood before them, his stance wide and strong. “I want to talk about verbal self-defense. What you are going to learn in here is important, but not being afraid to stand up for yourself verbally may be more important than anything we can teach you physically. You can head off many physical attacks just by being loud and taking the offense. No one has a right to make you feel uncomfortable. No one should ever try to influence you with force or coercion. Always trust your intuition. If someone is making you nervous or advancing on you in a way that is bothering you, don’t be afraid to shout at him. Say what are you doing? Or just start screaming. Don’t worry about being embarrassed. It’s always better to be alive and embarrassed then … well you all know. Each of you deserves to be treated with respect and caring in all of your relationships.
You own your own body. No one has a right to touch you if you don’t want them to. Not your husband, not your boss, not your father, not the construction worker on the street. Anyone can be a bully, but you don’t have to stand for it.”
Charlene felt herself wondering if he was talking directly to her. His words continued to wash over her, meaning more to her than anything else she’d ever been told. He spoke with conviction and passion and she wondered where a man as young as he was had gotten so much wisdom. This didn’t seem to be a canned speech. It came from the heart, she was sure of it.
Chapter 4
Charlene drove her car home slowly and replayed the class over in her head. Her sister had loved it. Charlene wasn’t sure if she had loved it, but she did feel quite positive about it. She couldn’t stop thinking about the things that Relic had said. On the way back to her sister’s house, she had wondered out loud if Relic was a soldier. Kerry had jumped on her immediately. “Weren’t you listening? He's a master self defense instructor in the Army who is home on two weeks of leave from Afghanistan.”
Charlene had felt strangely divided by this news. She didn’t examine her feelings regarding it too closely though. It didn’t matter. He was a nice guy, but he would never be anything more than an acquaintance to her. She was married. And married women didn't make new friends with handsome young soldiers.
Charlene pulled into her driveway and was distressed to see that Wayne’s car was already there. Something heavy and full filled her belly. She slowly got out of her car and walked inside. Wayne was in his comfy chair, not doing anything. Just waiting for her.
“What are you doing home?” she asked him. She could smell beer and cigars. But no perfume.
He asked her a question as if she had never even spoken. “Where were you?”
“At Kerry's,” she lied, hating it but doing it anyway.
He leaned forward quickly, like a cat, and grabbed her purse out of her hands. He pulled out her wallet and looked through the money compartment, taking out all the bills he saw there. Charlene watched him silently. She had started hiding money in other compartments in her purse a month ago.
Wayne stood up from his chair, shoved the money in his pocket, and advanced on Charlene, his lips twisting grotesquely and his normally neutral face looking ragged. She took a step backward, her face surely showing the confusion she felt in her body. He grabbed her hip as she turned and pulled her back against him with both hands. He ground his groin against her backside, making her feel slightly sick to her stomach. She pulled away and he let go at the same time, causing her to fall forward. He laughed and she felt a dull and biting anger rear up in her head like a snake. She bit it back immediately. It wasn't safe.
Charlene scrambled to her feet and ran into the kitchen.
“Come back here, Charlene,” Wayne called from the living room.
Charlene turned around at the sink and stared at him as he swayed on his feet and threw his head back in amusement. “No, you’re drunk.”
“Come on Charlene, it’s been months.”
She shook her head and watched anger slide across his face.
“You frigid bitch,” he said his voice low and full of nails.
Charlene jumped as if she’d been hit. He’d never called her that before. It hurt her, tore at her heart and her soul.
She turned and fled, running back out the door she had come in and climbing back into her car. She would sleep at Kerry's.
As she drove, she watched him go through her purse like it was his right. She’d always had misgivings when he did that, but never felt like she had the right to tell him to stop. It was their house, and their bank account, wasn’t it their purse too?
The thought made her startle again as she had when he called her a bitch. She wondered suddenly what the balance on their savings account was. She rummaged through her purse with one hand and pulled out her phone, then speed dialed their bank and used the voice prompts to navigate to their savings account.
Your account balance is $243.06.
Charlene pulled her tiny car into the parking lot of a grocery store and stopped quickly, before tears could overtake her. $12,023 was what they were supposed to have in that account. They had been saving for a down payment on a house. And it was all gone? She racked her brain, trying to remember the last time she had checked the account. It had probably been more than fo
ur months ago, the last time she had put money in. She hadn’t been able to put a dime in since his paychecks had dwindled away to nothing. He’d spent almost $12,000 dollars in four months? On what? Poker?
Charlene cried until the tears had dried up and she could think of nothing more to cry about. She considered calling him or turning around and going home to talk to him several times, but for what point? It was no use talking to him. Especially not when he was drunk. That was all the money they had had in the world, and it was gone. Except for the small IRA she had through her work, there was nothing else. She didn’t understand how he could do that. She never would have taken out a dime without consulting him first. Not to get his permission, she told herself, but because that was what people in a partnership did.
When her mind was finally quiet, smoothed out with anguish and overpowered with grief, she turned the car back on and drove to her sister’s house.
She knocked on the door and tried to not look as miserable as she felt.
“Can I sleep here?” she asked when Kerry opened the door. “I’m locked out,” she said, hating the lying again but not wanting to discuss this with her sister. She knew Kerry – knew Kerry would go for the jugular and not even allow Charlene a chance to make her own decisions. Kerry would probably call the cops, and that was the last thing Charlene wanted to deal with right now. Besides, it wasn’t like he stole the money. It was his money as much is it was her money, and she had trusted him.
“Of course you can.” Kerry moved back so she could come in then stepped forward to look at her face closely. “Have you been crying?”
Charlene shrugged. “I was upset that I locked myself out of the house.”
“Where’s Wayne?”
Charlene shrugged again and tried to speak but no words would come. Instead the tears flowed again.
Kerry grabbed her arms and looked even closer into her face. “What did he do?” she asked accusingly.
“Nothing. He didn’t do anything.”
“Did he hit you?”
“No! He’s never hit me.” This was true, at least physically. Wayne hit with his words, never with his fists. At least that was something to be grateful about. “I just want to sleep, Kerry, I’m tired.”
Her sister looked like she didn’t believe a word Charlene was saying, but she stepped back and allowed Charlene to walk down the hall to the guest room. Charlene crawled into the bed she had slept in a few times before and felt the tears come again.
She kept remembering her feeling of relief at being able to tell her sister that Wayne had never hit her. But was that really enough anymore? Her mind divided into two parts. The one that was always nervous and never settled whispered assurances that she and Wayne could work through anything, as long as he didn’t hit her. The other part, the part that had felt restless and embittered for months now, awakened and refused to be soothed. There were more unthinkable things then just physical abuse. And he had done most of them.
Is this how the rest of your life is going to go? that part asked her. Not being able to trust the man you live with? Never knowing what he is up to? Putting up with his insults and his put downs and brushing them off because he’s drunk?
She cried herself to sleep, her dreams as miserable and ashamed as her waking hours.
Chapter 5
Charlene went to work the next morning, wearing her sister's clothes. She checked the duty roster and headed to the medical floor she was assigned to for the day. She was early, not having anything to do since her sister had already gone to work. The hospital was quiet. No emergencies. Nobody running or yelling. She stopped off in one of the break rooms, thinking she would grab herself some breakfast, but was surprised to see what looked like half of the nighttime shift for three or four floors already in there.
Six women sat around the table, all of them focusing on someone who had her head in her hands. Charlene wasn’t sure, but it looked like Marie, one of her friends who frequently worked nights. She and Marie used to be very good friends, in fact Marie and her husband had been to Charlene's house for dinner a few times. But something had happened when Marie had divorced her husband. She never talked to Charlene anymore, she dropped her eyes when they passed in the hall. It always hurt Charlene deeply. She had no idea what she had done to deserve it. She hadn't sided with Marie's husband in the divorce - she hadn't even known about the divorce till it was over.
A nurse Charlene barely knew was leaning against the door, her arms folded.
“What’s going on?” Charlene whispered to the nurse.
“Marie has a black eye,” the nurse whispered back. “She says she walked into a door last night but Tonya thinks her boyfriend gave to her.”
Charlene grimaced. Tonya was the shift supervisor and known to be a bit of a micromanager and royal buttinski.
Tonya got up from the table and paced behind Marie, her voice strident. “You gotta say something. You absolutely cannot let him do this to you and get away with it.”
Charlene watched as, all around the table, women nodded their assent. Even the nurse next to her was nodding and saying yes under her breath.
Charlene did not nod her head or say a word. She wondered if any of these other women had any idea what it took to get out of a relationship like that. More courage than it took to stay in it, that was for sure. Tonya kept talking but Charlene had partially tuned her out. In her own mind, Wayne’s voice was taking center stage. Fat ass, he was saying. Dip shit. Stupid. She remembered being grateful the day before that she had never been hit by him, but now a single thought struck her like the blow she'd never received from her husband. Was it really better? Were there really degrees of abuse, some being at least partially OK?
She was starting to think the answer was no.
Charlene edged around the group, not wanting to leave, but not wanting to be fully part of it either. She listened to Tonya with one ear, trying to stay aware inside her own mind of what any of this meant to her. Another nurse stuck her head inside the break room. “Tonya, you are needed on the third floor.”
Tonya squeezed Marie’s shoulder and hurried out of the room. The other nurses followed quickly, now that the show was over. Charlene bought an energy bar and a milk from a vending machine and sat down quietly next to Marie, whose face now looked hot and dry.
Charlene ate in silence, trying to lend Marie a bit of strength, but want not wanting to embarrass her any more than she probably already was. She felt her hurt and upset towards Marie evaporate. Marie had a lot going on in her life. That was probably why she had been standoffish.
Charlene finished her skimpy meal but sat a bit longer, in case Marie wanted to talk. When her shift time grew closer, she finally stood up. “I have to go, Marie, my shift starts in ten minutes, but I want to know that if you ever need to trade any shifts with me or if you ever need a ride for anything like that, you ask me first, OK?”
Marie nodded sadly and Charlene rubbed her shoulders for a second, much like Tonya had a moment ago, then she headed for the door.
“Wait,” Marie said.
Charlene turned to her.
“Charlene, you never said what you think I should do.”
Charlene looked hard at Marie, then chose her words carefully. “I don’t think that is something anyone else can decide for you. Everyone’s intentions are good. They just want to see you safe. But they don’t have to live your life, do they?”
Marie shook her head slowly, and one tear fell from her darkened eye. “What would you do?” she said, her voice no higher than a whisper.
Again, Charlene took a few moments to choose her words. “Well, I like to hope that I would leave him, but I understand how scary that can be.”
“Where would I go?” Marie said, even quieter than before. “And what if he follows me?”
Charlene nodded, knowing how important those two questions were. She wished she could offer her house to her friend, but she knew that wasn’t an option.
“Maybe I should go liv
e with my aunt …” Marie said, mostly to herself.
Charlene walked back to the other side of the table and hugged her. “If you decide to do that, let me know if I can help you.”
Marie nodded and smiled tentatively. “Thank you.”
Charlene walked out of the room and lost herself for the day in her work.
***
When Charlene arrived home, Wayne’s car wasn’t there. Instead of feeling unsettled, like she had earlier in the week when Wayne wasn’t home when he was supposed to be, she felt glad. She didn’t want to think about any of it and that would be easier if he wasn’t there. She made dinner for herself and tucked the leftovers into the refrigerator for him later. She slept in the guest bedroom, just in case, hoping he would get the message if he came home. She didn’t want to touch him or be near him. She still wasn’t sure what to do about the money he took. Confront him? Not confront him?
She couldn’t necessarily just ignore it completely, but it was part of a bigger problem and it all would need to be addressed eventually. But how, and when? She didn't know.