by Lisa Ladew
***
Charlene returned to her sister’s house, praying Kerry was still awake. She parked her car around back so it wasn’t easy to see and returned to the front, knocking on the door. Her mind was churning.
“Can I stay here tonight?” she asked as soon as Kerry opened the door.
Kerry threw the door open wide. “Of course you can.” She peered into her sister’s face and Charlene could see the thousand questions sitting there. But Kerry didn’t ask one and Charlene was glad. It was a repeat of a few nights ago, and there was nothing more to say.
She retreated to the guest bedroom and slipped under the covers, infinitely thankful that she had a place to go. Her thoughts marched through her mind, one after another, never slowing, never stopping, not even at five in the morning when the sun finally came up and she needed to think about getting out of bed. She got up quickly and didn’t even ask Kerry to borrow any clothes. She would be changing into scrubs at work anyway. Clothes just didn’t seem important right now. Kerry watched her placidly from across the dining room table at breakfast, but still never said a word. Charlene knew what her sister was thinking, but she was glad that, for once, her sister held her tongue.
At work, she had to concentrate. The endless parade of thoughts about the rest of her life had to stop, and she welcomed the peace. Besides, she knew what she was going to do. On her lunch hour, she retreated to a park across the street from the hospital and called a lawyer - the first result with a woman's name to come up in a Google search for divorce lawyer. She was off work the next day and she made an appointment for eight o’clock in the morning.
No matter how determined she was and how right she knew she was, it was still the hardest thing she had ever done in her life. She was going to divorce Wayne. She would start over again. She would try to get it right this time. And if she didn’t, she would try again, and again. She deserved it.
Chapter 9
Charlene’s lawyer assured her that a divorce would be a simple procedure, considering Wayne’s infidelity, addiction, and history of abuse, any judge would see the value in moving on it quickly, even if Wayne refused to sign the papers, which Charlene knew he would. She knew he would see all of this as an affront to his manliness.
She purposely had asked for nothing but her car and her clothes and her sanity, like she could keep it in a box under the bed. She didn’t want anything from that life anyway. She was beginning to see exactly how far he had dragged her down with each step she took towards the light. She felt like she could do nothing but shoot upwards from this depth and she didn’t want anything holding her under the surface. Her sister would take her in. She knew it. She could always save more money. She could always buy more furniture. But could she recover the important parts of herself that he had taken from her? She didn’t know. But she was going to find out.
Charlene had a day off in the hospital with nowhere to go and nothing to do but confront her new life. She got coffee and walked through the streets for hours, convinced of the absolute rightness of her actions, but still scared out of her mind. She was trying to bolster her confidence for what she knew was coming. She knew she had to talk to Wayne.
Something Relic had said during the first class she took with him reverberated through her mind.
Don’t worry about being embarrassed. Each of you deserve to be treated with respect and caring in all of your relationships.
She examined the words, turning them over and over again. Did he really mean that? Were there men who treated women with respect and caring? And she didn’t mean out in public when everyone could see them. She meant at home, all the time, even with the world locked out behind closed doors. She’d always assumed that all marriages were pretty much like hers. Her parent's marriage had been. But what if it wasn’t true? If it was true, she would never get married again. She didn’t know she deserved more, but she knew she wanted more.
Her lawyer had said it would take a week to draw up the divorce paperwork. And once it came, Charlene had already decided that she would serve it to Wayne herself. If she hid behind her lawyer, Wayne would never leave her alone. She needed to stand up to his face and say it with her own mouth that she never wanted to see him again. Wayne responded to strength, and if he sensed she had none, he would never leave her be. She could divorce him and he would hound her at her sisters every night or her workplace every morning. She just knew it.
When her legs cramped on her walk and her feet refused to take another step, she returned to her car and drove back to her sister’s house. Kerry needed to know.
When Kerry came home from work, Charlene had a homey dinner all laid out for her.
“Wow, what’s the occasion?” Kerry asked, falling into a chair and dropping her purse on the floor.
Charlene put a plate of beef tips and braised asparagus in front of her. “I’ve decided to divorce Wayne,” she said heart slamming in her chest and adrenaline coursing through her system when the word divorce was out of her mouth.
Kerry paused with the fork halfway way to her mouth. She dropped the fork and shot to her feet, throwing her arms around her sister’s neck. “Oh thank God! Finally!” She cried and Charlene was surprised to feel wetness on her skin. She held her sister tightly.
“Are you crying, Kerry?”
Kerry wiped her eyes and sat down again and started eating with her customary enthusiasm. “Yeah I’m crying,” she said between bites. “I've never been so happy in all my life. That guy is a true douche bag and he’s been destroying you. I’m glad you’re finally going to kick him in the ass.”
Charlene laughed at the imagery even as she winced from the sentiment.
“What made make up your mind?” Kerry asked her, serious enough to put her fork down.
Charlene considered. “There’s been a lot of things happening lately. He’s been cheating on me.”
Kerry banged her fork against table and shook her head. “Fucking bastard,” she snarled.
“And he spent all of our savings. And he hasn’t sold the car in four months. And he’s been …” Charlene felt her voice grow weak. Embarrassment flooded through her. She didn’t want to admit what she was about to say, but she'd made a decision and she wanted to be true to it. That meant not hiding anymore. “And he’s been calling me names.”
Kerry grabbed her hand. “Names?”
“Stupid. Bitch. Fat. Things like that.” Charlene said, barely able to hear her own voice.
Kerry squeezed her hand and anger took over her face. Charlene held her hands up. “But it’s over. I’m going to divorce him. I’m not going to let him do it to me anymore.” Charlene thought hard and then decided to spill everything. “I think the worst part was he told me I couldn’t see you anymore.”
Kerry looked at her, her face incredulous.
Charlene nodded. “He knew we were at the class on Wednesday somehow. He said you are a bad influence on me.”
“Huh. Do you think he followed us?”
“He said he didn’t,” Charlene said shrugging her shoulders.
“Let me see your phone.”
Charlene handed it over, not sure what her sister was thinking.
In less than a minute Kerry was handing it back to her, an application active on the screen. “He installed tracking software on your phone. As long as your GPS was on he could see exactly where you were going.”
Charlene shook her head, disgusted and watched as Kerry deleted the app. It was just one more thing to let her know that she had made the right choice. There had to be men out there who didn’t do things like that, didn’t there?
Chapter 10
The weekend marched by quickly with no word from Wayne, even though Charlene expected him to come looking for her at some point when she didn’t return home. When he didn’t, she breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe he was too busy with his girlfriend to even go home himself. Monday after work Charlene was confronted with the hardest choice she had to make since she decided to go through with the divorc
e.
“Come on, Charlene, why don’t you want to go to the self-defense class?” Kerry whined after hearing her decision.
Charlene sighed. She didn’t want to get into this with her sister. But she knew Kerry wouldn’t stop until she told the truth.
“It wouldn’t be right,” she said quietly. “I’m attracted to him.”
Kerry’s mouth dropped open in a slow-motion parody of surprise. “Attracted to who?”
“You know who,” Charlene said.
“Relic? So what? Most of the women there are attracted to him. That’s a reason to go, not a reason not to go.”
Charlene shook her head. Determined. Or at least hoping she was determined. She wasn’t doing this because she was scared. She wasn’t. She was doing this out of conviction.
“Charlene, you’re getting a divorce. It’s perfectly fine to be attracted to someone, even if you weren’t. But it’s really OK to be attracted to someone when you’re separated.”
“That’s just it. We are not separated until he signs the papers.”
“So you’re not going to leave the house until he signs the papers?”
“No, I’m just not going to go to the class.” Charlene remembered what should have been perfectly innocent instruction when Relic pulled her to the front of the class, but somehow wasn’t. Her body had responded even though she hadn’t even been considering divorce then. In a week, Relic would go back to Afghanistan. And then she would be safe. There would be no relationship or chance of even a kiss with Relic and she would never have to wonder if she had ended her marriage just because some hot guy had seem to take an interest in her.
Kerry looked at her, her face scrunched up just as it had been when they were kids and she had been mad at her older sister. “Maybe that’s exactly what you need Charlene - a good fuck! Don’t look at me like that! When the last time you had some good sex? Hot sex? Satisfying sex? Sex that was about you.”
Charlene grimaced and turned away so her sister couldn’t see her face. Too long. Ever? Sex had always seem to be about Wayne, even in the beginning of their relationship. She knew it could feel good, but she’d never experienced it that way with a man.
“None of your business,” she told Kerry with her head still turned.
Kerry threw up her hands in frustration so roughly Charlene could hear it. “Argh! You’re so frustrating!” She paced through the kitchen a few times and then tried again, her voice softer. “I really want you to go.”
“And I really don’t want to go,” Charlene said just as softly.
“OK, can you at least drive me there? My car is acting up again.”
Charlene turned to look at her suspiciously, but she didn’t see any deception on Kerry’s face. “OK.”
The two women ate dinner together and then Charlene drove her to the Dojo, determined to leave without seeing Relic through the big windows. An hour later, she returned and parked outside, waiting in her car for Kerry. She could see Kerry through the glass, talking to John in the front of the room. The class was over and most of the women were filing out, talking with their friends and laughing animatedly. Kerry had sat down in a chair next to John and seem settled in. Charlene pulled up her phone and texted her.
I’m outside.
When she looked back up to the windows to see if Kerry was answering her phone, Relic came through the door. He saw her sitting in her car and his face broke into a wide smile, turning him from dangerous-looking thug to sweet, handsome soldier in an instant.
He walked to her car window. “Hey, we missed you today.”
“Oh, yeah, sorry, I had a long day …” she said lamely.
“No worries. You sister can tell you what we covered. Are you going to come on Wednesday?”
“Maybe.” Charlene swallowed hard as a question she wanted to ask him ran through her head. Embarrassment tried to stop her, but Relic's own words kept echoing through her mind, spurring her on. She had found value recently in doing things she was scared of and she didn't intend to stop now. “Hey, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Did you really mean it when you said women should always be in charge of themselves in a relationship?”
Surprise shot across Relic's face. “Of course.”
Charlene couldn’t think of anything to say. Her embarrassment deepened. She had to be older than him, but was he wiser?
Relic broke the silence. “Don’t you know any women who are in charge of themselves in a relationship?”
Charlene shrugged. I don’t know. Maybe. You never see a relationship from the inside though, you know? I only saw my mom’s from the inside, and my dad definitely ran her life.” She dropped her gaze to her lap. “And my, uh, last relationship wasn’t that great either.”
Relic nodded as if he understood, but she could see that his reality was very different.
He looked over the roof of the car, into the dark night. “My mom was always in charge of herself. She had five boys, and she told us from the time that we were small that if we ever wanted a relationship with a good woman we always had to respect her and her decisions. My dad was in charge of many things, but he was never in charge of my mom.”
Charlene gazed at his face, fascinated to hear more about his childhood. She wanted to ask him out for coffee or something. Instead, she got out of her car. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to come on Wednesday. This may be the last time I see you, and I wanted to say goodbye and thank you.” She saw pain in his eyes but she ignored it. She hugged him lightly but broke off quickly and took a few steps away from him. “I have to go inside and get my sister! Bye!” she cried while turning and running to the door. She saw him wave one hand slightly and then she was inside, grabbing Kerry by the arm and pulling her into the car.
***
The rest of the week passed quickly for Charlene. She worked as much overtime as she could, and even worked a double shift for Marie on Wednesday night. Charlene was glad to do it. It removed the decision of whether or not to go back to the self-defense class. Kerry would just have to find her own way there.
On Friday, before work, she received a call from her lawyer. Her paperwork was ready. Did she want to hire a sheriff to serve the papers? No, she wanted to serve them herself. There were a few things that she knew needed to be said between the two of them before Wayne would acknowledge that they were no longer going to be married.
She would do her own dirty work.
Chapter 11
On Saturday at precisely noon, Charlene pulled into the driveway of the house she shared with Wayne for the last four years. She had purposely picked the time as her best chance to catch him at home and not drunk or violently hung over.
Charlene parked behind his car and walked inside. He was sitting in his favorite chair, the TV on low, a beer beside him already.
“So you’re back,” he barked at her and she noticed his words were slurred, but not as badly as they could’ve been.
“I need to talk to you.” She walked quickly to him and dropped the papers in his lap. “I want a divorce,” she said before he had a chance to look down. She watched his face carefully and it registered no surprise at all. He had known this was coming. She wondered if he was looking forward to it. Maybe he wanted to marry his other girlfriend. Surprisingly, the thought caused her no emotional pain whatsoever. That would make things a lot easier on her. But then he threw acid on that possibility.
“Fuck your divorce,” he snarled and ripped the papers in half, then threw them on the carpet.
I guess not, she thought and squared her shoulders for the confrontation. “The divorce will go on whether you sign the papers or not,” she said softly but with strength behind her words.
Wayne stood and took a step towards her, and she sensed the coiled violence within him. Fear shot through her. Just hang in there. This is the last time. The last time he or anyone ever makes you feel like this. Just say what you want to say and go. Then it will be over.
Wayne cut into her thoughts. “You don’t have any fucking right, you goddamn bitch.”
Charlene stood her ground. “You didn’t have any right to cheat on me. You didn’t have any right to take the money out of our account without asking me. You didn’t have the right to call me those names and try to tell me what I could and couldn’t do. And you’ve done it for the last time. Sign the papers Wayne and you’ll get everything in the house but my clothes and my car. Don’t sign them and I make no promises what will happen. I’ve got a great lawyer and she says the law is on my side. You are one hundred percent in the wrong here.
Wayne took another step towards her, forcing her back. “You threatening me, bitch?”
Charlene straightened her shoulders. She was done hiding. Done cowering. Done shying away from him. Even if he hit her, she was done. She made a decision in that instant, to always try to do the things she feared the most. From now on.
“No, I’m not threatening you, but I’m done with you.”
“Goddammit Marie!” He yelled and he pulled back one fist in a threatening and terrifying gesture.
Charlene kept her head straight and didn’t flinch. She refused to cower. She’d never taken a punch, but she would if she had to. Then, she realized what he had said. “Marie? My friend Marie! You’re the one who hit Marie? You're Marie’s boyfriend?”
She could tell by his face that she was right. Anger, indignation and righteous rage shot through her. She turned and stepped to the corner of the living room. “I’m calling the cops. If Marie won't report it, I will.” He followed her and knocked the phone out of her hand before she could dial one number. It shattered against the fireplace.
“What are you doing this to me, Charlene?” he said in a pathetic, whining voice.
Charlene knew better than to stand and argue with him. As much as she wanted to tell him that he had done everything to himself, she could still feel the violence beneath the surface of his words. Her anger commanded her, but she would call from outside, or from her car. She turned and ran for the door.