The next morning I had mixed emotions when I was rudely awoken by the shrill early alarm call, happy to be in the warmth of Ed’s arms, but tinged with sadness that we wouldn’t be able to have a lazy morning in each other’s embrace today. But I had to work, and I knew Ed worked shifts when I met him and had, for all intents and purposes, signed up to this lifestyle, so I resolved that I had better get used to it.
When it was time to say goodbye we clung to each other, not wanting to let go, conscious this was silly given we would be together again sooner than usual but not for as long.
We kissed, deeply, slowly, not as passionately or as ferociously as it was at times. It was neither the time nor the place to give in to the desire.
The journey to work was long, not because the traffic was bad that Monday morning; it was long because it was sad. The journey north had been filled with joy, hope and excitement. The journey south was the polar opposite.
I sat in the car park outside work and dropped Ed a quick text to let him know I had arrived safely, then dragged my heavy and reluctant feet to my desk and plonked myself down to work.
*
As I unlocked my front door that night I was disappointed to realise that, for the first time since I bought the cottage, it didn’t feel like home. As I worked this through in my mind I realised it was because Ed should have been there, and he wasn’t.
Putting my weekend bag back in my cosy bedroom I sat on the edge of my empty bed. The duvet had been on the dresser for weeks due to the heat and the sheet I had been sleeping under was still screwed up in a bundle in the middle where I had left it on Friday morning. Now it just looked sad and empty.
I called Ed to let him know I was now back at home and to catch up on our days.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “You sound down.”
“Sorry,” I said, trying to put more effort and light into my tone, but with little success. “I’m a little tired after the early start. Sorry, that’s not it, Ed. The reason is the house feels so empty, I feel so empty.” I paused, and then said softly, “Without you.” Fear struck me and I worried I had said too much as I always do, inevitably. The silence from the end of the phone was deafening and seemed to confirm I was right.
“I miss you too,” he eventually whispered down the line. “I felt it the moment you left and I’ve been sitting in the garden brooding since then. I wasn’t sure whether to say anything. I didn’t want you to think I’m some sort of needy person. But I need you, I… I…” he stuttered and decided to let it go. “I can’t wait to see you.”
Having got our feelings out in the open we chatted a little longer before ending the call and heading to our respective, empty beds for lonely sleep.
*
Ed was working nights at the beginning of the week and due to get to mine on Thursday evening after I returned from work and he had managed to get some sleep.
Wednesday night I cleaned and tidied the house, and stocked the fridge. The preparation distracted me from the fact there was another night until I would see him.
Ed’s shift patterns were all out of sync because he had been doing deals with various colleagues to keep the weekends free and so, inevitably, it had caught up with him. Although he was due to arrive with me on Thursday evening he would have to head back just twenty-four hours later. We would have to pack as much as we could into those magical few hours.
I had set my alarm even earlier than usual, aiming to be in work by 7.30am rather than the usual 8am in order to ensure I could cover all my work and be away at 5pm prompt. Nothing was going to keep me at work late that night.
I was beaming from ear to ear at the mere thought and anticipation of Ed’s arrival that evening. As I was leaving the house to go to work, I opened the door, gasped and jumped backwards as I was greeted by an exhausted but smiling Ed, with his hand raised ready to knock on the door.
After a moment, while I grasped the situation, the shock and joy had tussled to be the dominant emotion. Finally I came to my senses and leapt into Ed’s open arms. I flung my arms around his neck and kissed him with all my might, all my heart. Ed reciprocated. We stood, enveloped in each other’s arms on the doorstep, even after the initial kiss had drawn slowly and reluctantly to an end.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I can go if it’s not convenient,” he teased.
“No, no, come in, you can’t go. It’s just I thought you were coming down this afternoon.” I stepped back, leaving the door wide open for Ed and his overnight bag to step through.
“I was, but I finished work and was too excited about coming down to try to sleep so I thought I would try to catch you before work and then have a sleep and shower. I hope that is okay? It looks like I only just caught you though. I never considered what I would do if you hadn’t been home.”
I leant in for another kiss. “I was going in early so I could be away on time. You really only just caught me, but I’m so, so glad you are here. How I’ll get through a day at work I have no idea. Look, I had better go, make yourself at home, you know where everything is and the fridge is bursting to the seams,” I said as I pulled myself away from him.
I was on my way out of the door when I remembered I had left my spare keys on the counter in the kitchen and dashed back inside to retrieve them for Ed. “There you are,” I said as I handed them over to him. “So, you can come and go as you please,” I explained, then more hesitantly, “You can keep hold of them if you like, that way if you had missed me you wouldn’t have had to spend the day on the doorstep.” I laughed as I said it to try to make light of what was quite a significant moment. I was still nervous.
“Thanks, that’s a great idea.” He clenched the keys in his hand and smiled down at me.
We stood there awkwardly, me knowing I needed to leave and Ed looking beyond ready for sleep. I stood up on my tiptoes, placed my hand on his bulging chest, feeling his body warmth and rapidly beating heart, and planted a kiss on his cheek.
“I’d better go,” I said sadly. “I’ll be back as soon as I can, I promise.” I smiled, leant in for another quick kiss and left before things took their natural course.
“Later,” I called back over my shoulder.
“Later,” he replied, leaning on the open door with his right hand holding the top to steady it.
I didn’t look back again, knowing if I did I would probably give in to the burning desire bubbling up inside me and then I would not be early in work, let alone late arriving, but in fact not in work at all.
*
The day flew by and soon I was home again. Running into my house, now magically a home again due to Ed’s very presence, I stopped dead inside the door. I looked around and listened, the house was silent. No noise, bar a ticking clock. My heart sank. I wandered from room to room, looking. It didn’t take long, the house was not that big, but each room, each empty room, stared back at me.
As I was coming down the stairs I heard a key in the lock and leapt down the last couple of steps, to meet Ed as he walked in with a large bouquet of yellow and white flowers in one arm and a bag of shopping in the other. I couldn’t imagine what we needed that I hadn’t already provided.
He hadn’t noticed me as he pushed the door shut and put the key in his jeans pocket. Turning back he saw me standing in the middle of the room. He dropped everything, literally, took two strides towards me and swept me up into his arms. This time we kissed passionately, hot, urgent and long.
Finally pulling apart and retrieving the flowers, Ed handed them to me rather apologetically. “For you, mademoiselle. Sorry, I dropped them, they should be okay though,” he said as he bowed, the perfect romantic gesture.
“They are beautiful,” I said as I bent my head into the bouquet to breathe in the heavenly scent. “I’ll pop them in a vase,” I said, walking into the kitchen. Ed picked up the bag of shopping and followed me.
“Ahh, I thought as we only really have tonight and a couple of hours tomorrow night, that I would cook for us. I don’t feel like sharing you with anyone tonight,” he said honestly, laying himself bare.
“Well, that might not be the case.” I left it there as Ed looked at me a little perturbed, I guess feeling put out that I was going to share these precious few hours with other people.
Seeing his face I decided it best to put him out of his misery. “Don’t worry,” I said, stroking his arm, “I don’t have any plans for tonight, but when I was at work, it occurred to me that given how I felt leaving you this morning, that it would be impossible leaving you again tomorrow. And, well, as I have a lot of holiday owing, I have booked tomorrow off work so I can come house hunting with you, if that is okay?”
Ed reached out and pulled me into his arms. We kissed and made our way upstairs.
nine.
A home is where the heart is
Ed had set up a number of property viewings, spread across a ten-mile radius emanating from the town where I lived. The properties were all different types, ages, sizes. We politely made appropriately positive noises as we were given the typical tours involving stating the obvious in each room – “This is the kitchen”, “This is the bathroom” and so on, six times over. The only differences were whether there was parking, a garden and/or additional bedrooms.
It was, in fact, quite tiring and as we sat having dinner that night, ahead of his drive home, we considered the options, working our way through each one in turn, listing the positives – nice garden, decent-sized kitchen, refurbished bathroom – and the negatives – location, lack of parking, only one bedroom.
These were only properties to rent. Ed wanted to try out the area and of course his new job before committing to buying somewhere, which was, of course, sensible. However, the first day had been a whitewash. Ed was going to have to line up some more appointments. More appropriate, more suited to his needs.
The next day was strange. It was the first weekend without Ed and it felt odd. Unfortunately it gave me time to think, or more accurately, allowed my head to overanalyse the relationship and how it made me feel. Being with Ed made me feel amazing. I don’t know how, but I felt slimmer. Of course all the new exercising we were indulging in was helping me to both lose weight and to tone in certain areas, which was, of course, inevitable in the ‘honeymoon’ phase of a new relationship. Somehow, though, this felt different. I just felt that I was slim. I felt confident and empowered and light. And I liked feeling this way.
It had not always been that way in relationships. Sometimes it started out okay, but over time I guess it’s natural to stop making the effort. Some relationships became staid and stuck but worse than that, one relationship had made me a nervous wreck. I don’t think he had set out to achieve this effect. After all, that was not who I was when we met, but that was where I ended up nonetheless.
In truth it was the shouting that really got to me and drove me in a new direction. At its worst I had to examine every action for how it might be perceived and the consequences it might generate. In the end I did everything I could to avoid being yelled at, avoiding situations and conversations that might lead to that conclusion, but the more I did that, the more I withdrew into myself, the less I engaged in conversation and life. As a result I was no longer attractive in my partner’s eyes. Eventually it drove us apart, but it need not have if, when it first started, I had stood up to him and to what was tantamount to bullying.
But that was the past and if it had not ended then I would not be with Ed today. And that was a good place. A happy place. A place I wanted to stay.
Luckily the time between the self-assurance-sapping relationship and Ed had been long and healing. Being alone I had rebuilt my confidence: celebrating success, listing what I did well, remembering who I used to be, spending time with those that loved me and that I loved. Most of all staying away from confrontation and from shouty people who made me jumpy and nervous, not letting people belittle me. Even now, I still have moments of overthinking a situation but generally I’m okay. It would not take me long though, if Ed ever showed signs of similar traits, for me to walk away, however much I felt for him.
We talked on the phone when Ed was on his breaks, talking about something and nothing. Life was just a little duller without him around and on Saturday I barely left the house, feeling apathetic and unmoved to venture too far, which left me with little news to discuss with Ed. By Sunday, though, I was going stir crazy and decided to make the most of the cool morning, heading out on a long two-hour walk to clear the cobwebs and reinvigorate my soul. It was like old times and I revelled in the familiarity of the walk, the scenery, the wildlife. I counted squirrels, pheasants, even a small roe deer who was standing stock still in a sunlit glade in the woods I passed.
Inevitably my walk brought me back into town via a coffee shop and I sipped the large latte as I made the last few steps home. This, at least, gave us something to talk about that evening.
The rest of the week passed quickly as I focused on work and wished the time away.
As I returned home on Wednesday, I was exhilarated to see Ed’s car parked outside my house and rushed in to find him preparing dinner.
I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him with all my might before we had even uttered a word. Finally, pulling apart we beamed at each other and whispered, “Hello, you,” almost in unison.
Ed had made a simple but delicious dinner of chicken breast wrapped in bacon and a selection of salads. He was as keen on healthy eating as I was – a huge bonus not to have to prepare different foods. Just a few years before I allowed myself to succumb to temptation, without consideration of the consequences, which is why over the years living alone I had gained weight, allowing myself cream buns, ice cream, pasta, potatoes, bread – particularly the freshly baked white loaf variety, the smell was enough to make my mouth water – and all the other carb-heavy delights. Once I had adopted the low-carb lifestyle the weight had started to shed and now I didn’t want to go back to where I had been, so I stuck with the theme, although I was not as strict as I had once been.
Ed had set up four more viewings for the Thursday and I was sad not to be able to join him, but having taken an unplanned day off the week before I could not keep taking off random days every week.
It was reassuring that Ed had wanted me to have an input to his future living arrangements, but I would have to leave that to him this time. No doubt I could view the particulars online and hear Ed’s take on them.
I just hoped, as I sat at my desk that morning, staring into space, that he would find something close to me.
At dinner he reeled off the details of each property and again they were too far away, too big, too small or too grubby. I don’t think it was that he was being too picky or too difficult. It was just that there was nothing suitable, nothing that met his needs. And weirdly that made me happy. It was not that I didn’t want him to move down. In fact, I was desperate for him to be closer, I just didn’t really want him living somewhere that didn’t make him happy.
In fact it occurred to me that I didn’t really want him living anywhere except with me.
Ed stopped talking, looking at me with concern on his face. “Is everything okay? You’ve gone very quiet.”
“Ummm, well, it’s just that…” I struggled with the words, finding the right ones to express my thoughts without scaring him off.
“Oh, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want you living in any of those places. They sound dreadful. And as I was thinking about it, it occurred to me that actually, what I wanted, what I really wanted…” and at this point I avoided his stare and looked down at my almost empty plate of food. I felt nervous and unsure. What if he took this the wrong way? What if, what if? You’r
e overthinking again, I chided myself, forcing myself to lift my gaze and look Ed in the eyes. He smiled an encouraging smile, giving me the confidence to continue. “What I really want…” I hesitated again.
I looked back at my hands resting on the table beside the plate before continuing. I took a deep breath. “In truth what I would really like is… What I’m trying to say, or ask, maybe, is that if you can’t find anything you like, then maybe you could move in with me. That is to say until you find what you’re looking for. No, what I wanted to say is that I’d like, I want, you to move in with me. I know we’ve not been together…” Ed stopped me by holding up his fingers to my lips. Now I realised, looking him in the face for the first time in a while, that he was beaming from ear to ear, and instantly my fear and nervousness vanished.
“I thought you’d never ask,” he said, and in one swift move pulled me out of my chair and onto his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck, smiling back at him.
“I did intend to find somewhere else to live,” he went on, “but the more I looked, the more I came to the same conclusion as you. That really all I wanted to do was to be with you. Without sounding too much like a song lyric.” He laughed, we kissed and went to bed to seal the deal.
*
Ed surprised me with a cup of coffee in bed just as my alarm shrieked into life. Sitting next to me on the bed he told me that he was going to cancel the viewings he had lined up and spend the time arranging removal vans and storage instead, as clearly all his belongings wouldn’t squeeze into my cottage. He was back at work on Saturday morning but would still be at home after I finished work and would then drive north when the traffic calmed down.
Loves Lost and Found Page 12