The fastest way to lose leverage and to lose someone that you like is to do the opposite of the above. That means making yourself completely available, having no perspective, removing all doubt, and being uncomplimentary. Do this and you can be sure that you’ll be back dating someone whom you don’t like very much. And he’ll stick around because you’ll do all the right things.
Strategy Review
• People want what they can’t have and they want more of what they have to work for. If you are easy to come, then you may be easy to let go.
• If you have an unbalanced life you will have a distorted view of the relationship. Balance gives you perspective, and perspective allows you to make better decisions in the relationship.
• When all doubt is removed, the person will take you for granted. Introduce an element of uncertainty to instantly reignite the passion.
• A person likes you based, in part, on how you make her feel about herself. Make her feel good and she will feel good about you.
• Read through the tactics in the following chapter to round out your overall strategy.
5
Get Anyone to See You as Pure Gold
#1 Rule of Selling Yourself in Every Area of Life
Here is one of the greatest truths in life: If you don’t place a value on yourself, somebody else will. How do you get the best deal, the finest advantage, or the greatest edge in anything? Here’s how: Ask for the moon and settle for the stars. In the previous chapter we talked about gaining leverage in relationships. But when you’re in a relationship of any sort, you want to invoke the power of this law to give you the ultimate edge.
Almost everything in life is subjective. This means that there is no absolute truth and opinions tend to become facts in most new situations. All other information is then filtered through this new belief structure. If you want to give yourself, or anything for that matter, instant worth, you need to create the right image. In negotiations start off very high, even if it’s a little unreasonable. This is important because you will have set the tone. (Bear in mind, you also don’t want to be ridiculously high, because you want to be taken seriously.) Whenever you are dealing with someone or something of unknown value the first one who places a value on it establishes its worth. To be clear, when we speak of the value of a person, we mean the perceived value to others, not, of course, the individual’s value as a human being. Therefore, value is an unknown quantity whose perception can be altered with the application of two specific psychological principles.
Whenever you’re dealing with an intangible, establish its worth where you want it, and as long as there is no established value, you will not be seen as unreasonable. Let’s say you’re an amateur photographer—you take pictures as a hobby—and someone wants to hire you as a freelancer. How much do you charge? Well, some photographers charge as much as $10,000 a day. Are you in their league? Probably not, but if you charge $100 a day clearly you will not be perceived as one of the best. Will you be laughed at if you say your fee is $3,000 for the day? Not likely. Even if you think they can’t afford to pay you that much, you’re now negotiating from a very high starting point—one that you’ve established. In the end you can charge them much less and they will be elated because they are not getting a $500-a-day photographer. No, they’re getting a $3,000-a-day photographer for a mere $500!
Let’s take a look at how this law affects us in our daily life. Let’s say that you’re shopping and you notice a jacket that you think is reasonably priced at $69. You think, “Okay, not too bad.” Then you realize it’s $690. Suddenly your opinion of the jacket changes dramatically. You begin to realize that what you thought was fair quality is really exquisite tailoring and you “notice” every little detail and can now “see” how it could be so expensive. At $690 you might not buy it, but if it went on sale the next week for $129, you just might snatch it up. Why? Because of its perceived value.
Now there’s one other factor other than price that helps to establish value. The other criterion that determines worth is how available something is. Simply, the scarcer something is, the greater the value people place on it. Gold, oil, and diamonds are much more valuable than water and air because they are not as plentiful. Even though water and air are indispensable to our survival, it’s gold and precious jewels that we value. (Until, of course, you’re without water for a day; then its scarcity makes it more valuable than a king’s ransom.)
So how do you establish your “worth” in personal relationships? You can make yourself more valuable by not being so available. Sex? Give it freely initially, and little value is placed on it, and on you. This is as true for men as it is for women. At work...your time? If you’re sitting by the water cooler all day, how do you think you’ll be perceived by your boss and coworkers? Will you be judged as valuable or a dime a dozen?
Strategy Review
• Price and availability are the most dominant psychological factors that determine the value of just about anything or any person. Manipulating these two factors will dramatically increase or decrease how valuable and worthy we think someone or something is.
6
How to Appear Calm, Confident, and in Control in Any Situation
These techniques are included in this section because as we talked about in the previous chapters, confidence and likability go together. We are attracted to, admire, and tend to like those whom we see as in control and secure in themselves. (There’s nothing less attractive than a person who has a low opinion of himself.) And while this chapter won’t give you self-esteem, the techniques can make you appear and actually feel more calm and confident. This will allow you to get into an optimum state in any situation or conversation.
The first influence to consider is the physiological aspect of anxiety. When we’re nervous about giving a speech or meeting someone, for example, most of us don’t eat or eat the wrong things. Anytime we eat foods high in sugar or refined carbohydrates our bodies produce adrenaline in an attempt to regulate our blood sugar levels. This is because these foods lower our blood sugar levels and the body produces adrenaline to compensate for the fluctuation. Adrenaline, which is the primary factor in the fight-or-flight response, is what causes you to become anxious and nervous. This is why people who eat a diet high in sugars and refined carbohydrates often seem nervous and high-strung. This is a psychological disorder that manifested from a poor diet.
Recent studies show that those who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), panic attacks, and anxiety attacks may find relief in a low-carbohydrate diet. By keeping blood sugar levels steady, anxiety-based symptoms can be greatly alleviated.
Have you ever noticed that after a large meal you feel fairly relaxed and calm? This is because your blood sugar level is stable and the body is not producing high levels of adrenaline to compensate for fluctuations. The ideal, though, is to eat small nonrefined meals. This will keep your blood sugar levels steady and your mind calm; you won’t feel too sluggish to think clearly. (There are countless nutritional books that do a much better job on this subject than we can in this short space. Any health food store with a book section can give you full and complete information on non-refined foods.)
Another fascinating aspect to consider is that the very things you do to appear calm and relaxed can actually make you feel more calm and relaxed. So by engaging in certain behaviors and avoiding others you can maintain a sense of calm and inner balance.
By changing your physiology you can actually change your brain chemistry. For example, studies show that when we smile we actually put ourselves into a better mood. It has long been thought that we smile when we feel happy—which is of course true. There is strong evidence, however, that the act itself can transform your emotional state and make you feel happier. Conversely, if you were to frown for a minute or so, you would probably feel worse. While our mood reflects our physical state so too does our physical self bring about a change in our mood. The most important, dominant factors that affect mood
and our emotional state are:
• Smile. This is a universal sign that you are comfortable. And again, according to several studies, the very act of smiling calms you down and actually makes you feel more relaxed.
• Breathe! When we’re nervous we tend to hold our breath. Breathe deeply and regularly. This will calm you down instantly and make it easier for you to think, react, and speak clearly and confidently.
Want to tell if anyone is nervous about anything? Look for these two signs. If they’re not smiling and breathing regularly and deeply then they’re not as calm as they would like you to believe! (You can tell if a person is not breathing regularly because you’ll notice every so often he takes a very deep breath to get oxygen in very quickly.)
Research into this area also shows us something else remarkable. That is, our emotions are not just in our mind but actually in every cell, in every organ, and in every muscle of our body. If you want to ensure long-term emotional balance and calm, try yoga or some type of stretching routine. Our muscles retain our emotions. Haven’t you ever wondered why you feel so good after you stretch out your body? The psychological tensions are released along with the physical stresses.
The central nervous system is made up of our brain and spinal cord. It is impossible to completely relax the mind unless you relax the spinal cord as well. Yoga helps to achieve this. Notice how high-strung and nervous people carry themselves. Their bodies are often tense and stiff. Working out the tensions in the physical body begins the process of releasing emotional stresses. In addition to smiling and deep breathing, try this for short-term and long-term success toward releasing negative emotions and relaxing yourself within minutes, every time.
Strategy Review
• Don’t overlook the powerful physiological influence of blood sugar levels. Avoid engaging the fight-or-flight response by avoiding sugars and refined carbohydrates.
• Smile! Research shows that the very act of smiling actually makes you feel more relaxed and calm.
• Breathe deeply. When we’re nervous we tend to hold our breath. Deep breathing instantly relaxes the central nervous system and literally calms your nerves.
• For long-term stress reduction practice yoga. The central nervous system is made up of the brain and spinal cord. It is impossible to feel completely relaxed mentally unless your body is at ease.
Section II
Never be Fooled, Tricked, Manipulated, Used, Lied to, or Taken Advantage of Again
Are you tired of looking foolish and being taken advantage of? Let’s face it, there are people in this world who are willing to say and do anything to get their way. Whether it’s the car salesman, your date, a coworker, or your boss, knowing if they are out for their best interests or yours is invaluable. With these psychological tactics, you will be able to tell within minutes what somebody is really up to. If you’re tired of getting the short end of the stick use these techniques and...never feel powerless again!
7
The Six-Star Test to See if Someone Is a True Friend
Does she really care about you? Is he loyal? Is he just pretending to like you? Sometimes it can be hard to sift out those who pretend to be our friends from real true friends. But you don’t have to waste time in dead-end or selfish relationships anymore. With these psychological secrets you’ll never have to worry whether he’s got your best interests at heart—or his own! You’ll know for sure, every time. This might be a good place to remind you that friendship is the foundation for any relationship. If you are with someone who fails this test, the relationship may not be a very sound one.
The Six-Star Test to See if She’s a True Friend
• Interest
One important criterion that defines a friend is how interested the person is in your life. Tell her about something significant that is going on in your life and see if she calls to follow up and find out what happened. If she doesn’t, then call her and see if she mentions it. Finally, if she doesn’t bring it up, hint about it and see if she even remembers the conversation you had about it previously.
• Loyalty
Tell a secret about a mutual friend and see if it gets back to him or her. True friends know the value of trust in a relationship. Just make sure that you get the permission of your friend to tell her secret to this other person.
• Pride
Anyone can tell you to cheer up. It makes them feel good. But see who pats you on the back for a good job. Those who are not driven by jealousy and envy will do just that. Your true friends are proud of your accomplishments, not jealous of your successes. See if a friend comes to you when you get good news, not just bad news. There are lots of people who are willing to “cheer us up” when things aren’t going well. But it’s more difficult to find someone who will congratulate us when things are going well.
• Honesty
A true friend is someone who tells you the things that you don’t want to hear. She is willing to have you be upset with her if it will help you. Does she tell you things that are for your benefit even though she knows that it might make you upset with her?
• Respect
Tell her that there is something exciting—something that is good—going on in your life but you absolutely prefer not to talk about it right now and see if she presses you on it. There’s a difference between curiosity and concern. If she “must know” then she’s just interested in the gossip and not in you. A good friend will respect your wishes and give you your space—for now.
She may bring it up from time to time, because she’s interested, but she won’t constantly and immediately press you on it if you make it clear that you choose not to discuss it now. The reason you use a positive instead of a negative “mystery” is because if a good friend feels that something is wrong or that you are not well, she will insist on knowing now because she is concerned. You don’t want to “test” her this way, however, because you wouldn’t want to put your friend through this.
• Sacrifice
Is she willing to give up something if it means making you happy? Will she sacrifice her own pleasure for your happiness? Who decides what you do? Is the word compromise in her vocabulary? And when the chips are down and it’s you against them, most people scramble to protect their own interests. Notice if she is the one who has ideas or a plan to help both of you to “escape unscathed” or whether she just looks to save herself and protect her own interests.
Strategy Review
• If she passes four or more of the six tests, you’ve probably got a good friend whom you can count on. If she scores three or less, you might want to review your friendship or speak to her about it. Of course, when we have a lot going on in our own lives we can become inadvertently distracted and unintentionally insensitive. So it’s best to gauge the relationship using these six factors over a period of time and not just in a twenty-four-hour period.
8
Does His Story Check Out?
How to Spot a False Alibi by Asking a Single Question
Have you ever wanted to hook somebody up to a lie detector test to see if he was telling you the truth? Well, now with this technique you can instantly find out if his story checks out or if his alibi is nothing but a pack of lies. The technique used here is called conundrum. It works by introducing a piece of evidence and watching how your “suspect” handles it. You’ll see that you can tell if anyone is lying by asking one question, and you can use this technique in any situation when you want to check on someone’s alibi.
Let’s say a woman suspected that her husband was not at the movies with his friends, as he said, but out with his secretary for a late night rendezvous. Simply asking him if he really did go to the movies would only prompt him to answer yes. This is because if he was there he would say yes and if he wasn’t there he would likely stick to his story and say yes. And she wouldn’t know whether or not to believe him. With this psychological technique she introduces a made-up “fact” and then sees how he handles it.
For instance
she might say, “Oh, I heard that the traffic was all backed up because of a car accident right outside the theater.” Now all she has to do is sit back and watch how he responds.
This is because her husband is faced with an obvious conundrum. If he wasn’t at the movies, he doesn’t know whether to acknowledge that there was an accident because there might not have been one. And if he says that there wasn’t much traffic and there was, then she’ll also know he wasn’t really at the movies. But regardless of his answer, he will do the one thing that every liar does when confronted with conundrum: He will hesitate—deciding how to answer.
Remember, had he been at the theater he would have instantly said, “There was no traffic. What are you talking about?” But the liar isn’t sure because he wasn’t there, and so he will hesitate in his answer and in doing so give himself away. On top of that, he will likely answer wrongly by agreeing to what you say, because he doesn’t know that you’re making up the accident.
It’s all in the details. The more detailed he is the more you can believe in what he’s saying. Made-up stories often have huge gaps and are vague and abstract. How specific is his story?
Get Anyone to Do Anything Page 4