by K. C. Lynn
He stares back at me, his expression somber. “Listen, I don’t want anyone dying on my watch either but sometimes, even despite our best efforts, we can’t save them all. You made a reckless decision and not only put yourself at risk but Hawke, too. We want to save lives but not at the cost of our own. You cannot help anyone if you’re dead.”
“You’re right,” I agree, looking at it from his perspective. “Let’s hope that from now on my best will be good enough to keep everyone alive. That is, if you let me keep my job.”
I brace myself, fearing for his answer. Losing this job would be one more blow I couldn’t live with right now.
“Of course I’m going to let you stay. You and those dipshit friends of yours are the best I have,” he says, making me smirk. “But you will follow orders when I give them and you’re taking time off.”
“I don’t need it. I’m good.”
“The hell you are. Don’t start lying to me now, Crawford. You’re a mess and you damn well know it.”
I blow out a heavy breath. “I need to work right now, Cap. I need the distraction.”
“It’s not up for discussion. Take the time and work out whatever you need to with that girl of yours. I don’t want you back here until your head is on straight.”
“I don’t have a girl anymore. That’s why I want to keep working,” I tell him, my teeth grinding at the pain infiltrating my chest.
“Why the hell not?”
I remain silent, not in the mood to talk about it right now…or ever.
“Look, I’m going to tell you something that I wish someone would have told me. But if you breathe a word of it to anyone, I will deny it. Got it?”
I nod, my curiosity piqued.
“I know I always tell you guys to forget about women and get a dog. Now sometimes that is the way to go. But other times…it’s not. Some women are worth the headache, believe me, I know. I had one and I fucked it up,” he says, surprising me. “Now I may not know that girl well—hell, I only met her a couple of times—but everyone knows your arrogant ass won’t ever find better than her.”
That’s because there is no one out there better than her.
“If you let her go, you’ll end up a cynical asshole like me and marry all the wrong ones. Trust me. You don’t want that.”
I let his words sink in, wondering if it’s that easy. I’m worried I fucked up too bad for her to forgive me this time. But I have to at least try, I can’t survive without her and no damn dog will do.
A newfound hope flares inside of me, pushing me to my feet. “Thanks, Cap.”
I extend my hand to him and he returns the gesture with a firm handshake. “You’re welcome. Now get out of here and go grovel your ass off. And take her flowers. It’ll help.”
“Jesus, you sound like my mother.”
He grunts. “Remember, tell anyone and I’ll deny it.”
“Don’t worry. Not a word,” I promise with a smirk.
Leaving his office, I head out of the station when Cam comes running out after me. “Crawford, wait up.”
Shit!
I turn back to him, expecting an earful for avoiding his and everyone else’s calls, something I don’t really have time to listen to right now.
“What the fuck happened? We’ve been trying to call you.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Listen, I’ll explain everything later. I can’t talk right now. I have to see Sam.”
“Well, you better hope she’s still there.”
My swift feet falter. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“I saw Evans last night. He said he was taking Sam home with him today.”
Panic strikes me hard and fast, making blood rush in my ears. “What?” I choke out, praying I misheard him.
“That’s why we’ve been trying to call you.”
“When?”
“I don’t know. He just said today, but—”
I don’t waste time to hear the rest and haul ass to my truck at breakneck speed. With a heavy foot, I race to her apartment, arriving in half the time it should have taken me to get here.
My feet pound the pavement, urgency propelling my every step as I run into the building, slipping past a couple as they walk out. I forgo the elevator and run up the stairs, knowing it will be faster.
As soon as I reach her door, I rap on it with a heavy fist. “Sam, baby. It’s me. Open up.”
When I get nothing, I try the handle but find it locked. I’m about to break it down when an elderly neighbor sticks her head out. “Sorry, honey, you missed her. She already left.”
Dread grips my chest, stealing every bit of precious air around me. “How long ago?” I ask, hoping to catch them at the airport, refusing to give up.
She can’t be gone.
“Her and that handsome brother of hers left early this morning. The movers are set to come tomorrow. I promised her I would let them in,” she explains with a smile, having no idea that my entire world just fell out from under me. “You wouldn’t happen to be Jase, would you?”
I nod, unable to find my voice from the grief suffocating me.
“One second. I have something for you,” she says before disappearing back inside.
I stand a little straighter, a renewed hope igniting in my chest.
She returns a moment later with a sealed envelope addressed to me. “She wasn’t sure if you would come by but asked me to give this to you if you did. If you didn’t then I was to mail it to you.”
“Thanks,” I respond, my voice gruff.
Once she retreats back inside, I open the envelope and pull out a folded letter along with a four thousand dollar check.
Jase,
You’ll never know how sorry I am that this is being said in a letter, but I worry if I had faced you I wouldn’t be able to say what needs to be said.
If I’m being honest, the entire time we were together I never really thought of us as temporary and had prayed for a different outcome. The truth is, I fell madly in love with you.
In a perfect world, you and my brother would be able to make amends because you both love me more than you hate each other, but I now realize that will never happen, and I have to accept that. This isn’t about choosing one or the other, I could never do that, but I can’t be with someone who hates the people I love. No matter how deep my love runs for you, that vengeance would have eventually broke my heart.
It already has.
I want you to accept this money. The bidding war between bicycle bitch and me is not your responsibility and it was the best four thousand dollars I ever spent. For the Children’s Miracle Center but, more than anything, for the time it bought me with you.
I will never forget a second of my time with you. I only wish Madam Raman or whom you like to call “Madam Juju” was right and we could have had eternity.
Take care and be safe, especially when you are fighting fires and jumping off mountains.
Love always,
Sam, Sensible Sam, Crazy Sam, Peaches, and…Samantha.
*
Sweat drips down my face, mixing with burning regret as I continue my fast glides and take another slap shot.
Living in a hockey town where we get ice year round is definitely a perk. The rink is the only place I want to be at the moment. It’s been my second home for most of my life. Here, I can lose myself and travel back to a time when nothing mattered but being with my team and winning. It’s a hell of a lot better than drowning my sorrows away in a bottle of Jack. However, the thought is more appealing by the second, anything to ease the burning sensation in my chest.
I have no idea how long I’ve been here. Right now, I want time to be nothing more than an afterthought, just like the sweet memories of the girl who left her mark on me.
The same one I lost because I’m a fuckup. I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life but losing her has to be the dumbest yet.
Skating along the boards, I glide behind the net before curving around it and flipping the puck up in th
e top right corner with a wrist shot.
A single applause draws my attention over to the box, and I find my dad leaning against the boards, watching me. The image brings me back to my childhood when he used to coach my team.
Skating over to him, I step through the open gate before dropping down on the bench and grabbing my water bottle. I squirt the cool liquid down my parched throat before soaking my face with it.
“How did you know I was here?” I ask, my breathing heavy from exertion.
“Joe called me, said you’ve been here for hours,” he says, talking about the rink attendant who has worked here longer than I’ve been alive. “He also said you were sporting quite the shiner.” He leans down to get a better look. “I see he wasn’t bullshitting.”
Yeah, and it still hurts like a son of a bitch. That bastard has a hell of a right hook. But the pain doesn’t compare to the one in my chest.
“So you two finally had it out, huh?”
I glance over at him, wondering how he knew it was with Sawyer.
“Cam might have called me, too,” he admits, sitting next to me.
Figures. The meddling bastard.
“So, who won?”
I shrug. “I haven’t seen what his face looks like, but considering Sam left with him I’d say I lost.”
A long moment of silence stretches between us, and I feel his eyes burning into the side of my face but keep my gaze trained ahead.
“You aren’t going to fight for her?”
“There’s nothing to fight for. She moved to a different state and isn’t coming back.” Saying the words out loud has the burning pain in my chest spreading throughout my entire body.
“So, you’re going to give up. Just like that?”
“I don’t have much of a choice.”
“You always have a choice, Jase.”
I shake my head. “No. Not this time. Even if I were to fight for her, I won’t ask her to move back here. She wants to be closer to her family, and I won’t take that from her.”
“Then don’t ask her to.”
I finally meet his gaze, my brows furrowing in annoyance. “What, are you saying I should move there?” Not that I didn’t entertain the idea at one point but that was before she left without so much as a good-bye. Something that I can’t really blame her for. I wouldn’t say good-bye to me either.
“Do you love her?” Before I can respond, he holds his hand up to ward me off. “Think long and hard before you answer that. I’m not asking you if you care about her. I’m asking you if you’re in love with her. There’s a difference. Would you die for her? Would you do anything to make her happy?”
It’s an answer I don’t need to think about because I’ve always known it. “Yeah. I love her. I’m pretty sure I loved her before I even knew her.” I don’t give a shit how ridiculous it sounds; it’s the truth.
He nods. “Then don’t let her go, Son. Give her the world. Do anything to make her happy, and that includes ending this rival with her brother. Something that I know is probably more John’s and my fault than anything. I guess our own feelings bled onto you boys.”
My brow lifts in surprise. “Are you saying you were wrong about him?”
“Hell no. He’s an arrogant prick,” he says. “But I’ll respect him because if you love his daughter then I do, too… After all, us Crawfords only pick the best because we are the best.”
I smirk but sober quickly as I think the idea over. It would suck to leave my friends, family, and the only home I’ve ever known but not nearly as much as the thought of never seeing her again. That sucks a whole lot more.
As much as Cap would hate for me to go, I know he would help me relocate to a station nearby. And the guys will understand because they know Sam is worth it. That only leaves one person…
“I doubt Mom will be okay with this,” I say.
“Don’t worry about her. It’ll be tough at first but I’ll be there to take care of her. You’ll come back to visit and we’ll come there.”
I grunt. I wouldn’t be surprised if she made him pick up and move, too.
“Trust me, Son, she’ll understand because she knows I would do the same for her. I’d give her anything to make her happy and she expects nothing less from you.”
I nod, knowing he’s right.
“So, what are you going to do?” he asks. “Are you going to fight or give up?”
I meet his gaze once again, resolution burning my veins. “Fight.”
And I won’t stop until I win.
CHAPTER 20
Sam
I’m proof that it’s possible to live with a broken heart. To continue your day-to-day tasks and keep pushing through, even if you are only taking in half the life and half the breath.
I’ve been doing it the last four days, but the way my heart yearns you would think it’s been an eternity. Each morning I wake up, hoping some of the shattered pieces of my soul will have mended, but they haven’t.
I fear I may never be whole again, not without the man who completes me.
I sort through the last box in my bedroom while my mom organizes my kitchen. As if my thoughts summoned it, I find the bangle bracelet with a single peach charm. My heart stutters as I pick it up and slip it on my wrist.
This is the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a really long time, Jase.
Well, that’s sad, Peaches. You deserve things like this every day.
A steel vise grips my broken heart and the tears I’ve managed to keep at bay for today unleash with a vengeance.
“Sam, honey, where do you want…” my mom trails off, coming to a quick stop just inside my room.
I look up at her with tears rushing down my cheeks, not bothering to hide them. I need her too much right now.
“Oh, Sammy.” The sadness in her voice mirrors the agony gripping my chest. Dropping whatever she has in her hand, she rushes over and takes me in her arms. “Honey, talk to me. Seeing you so sad these past few days is breaking my heart.”
“I miss him so much,” I cry, barely managing the words through my broken sobs.
“Who, sweetheart? Grant?”
I try not to cringe, remembering she has no idea about the past couple of months. “No. Jase Crawford.”
She stiffens in surprise before pulling back to look at me.
“There’s so much I haven’t told you, Mom.”
Her expression softens. “Then tell me now. Please, Sam. Let me be here for you.”
I nod, knowing it’s time, and start from the beginning. I tell her everything about Grant and the volatile relationship we had and hold nothing back, not even the abuse.
“No, Samantha.” She covers her mouth, muffling the sob of despair that tumbles from her when I tell her about the first time he hit me.
“I’m so sorry.”
She pulls me in close again, her comforting arms holding my broken pieces together. “Don’t be sorry. I’m the one who is sorry. I should have listened to your father. He knew something wasn’t right. I just…I never thought you would keep that from us let alone stay with someone like that.”
Shame and humiliation mixes with the burning regret. “Me either,” I admit quietly. “But he was good, Mom. He always knew what to say and where to strike. I guess my own insecurities went deeper than I thought.”
She looks down at me, tears of devastation staining her cheeks. “What could you possibly feel insecure about?”
I swallow thickly, unsure of how to tell her without sounding jealous or petty, but I try my best and tell her how I’ve always felt compared to Jesse and Sawyer. “Don’t get me wrong, I love them and I love how bright they shine. I just wish I could be more like that, too.”
“Oh, Sam.” Her slender hands frame my wet cheeks. “You listen to me. You have the most beautiful soul out of anyone I’ve ever known. You feel things differently than your siblings, you always have, but that is not a weakness. That is your strength. It’s who you are,” she says, putting it into a different perspec
tive for me. “If I could keep all my babies under one roof I would, but Jesse and Sawyer would never have it,” she adds, a soft smile touching her sad lips. “So I keep them close to my heart. But you, Sammy, you let me keep you in my arms and you’ll never know how much that means to me. The last several months without you have been torture. I’ve missed you so much. We all have.”
“I missed you guys, too,” I cry.
She holds me close, running a comforting hand down my hair, something I’ve always loved. “Tell me about Jase.”
Just hearing his name has my heart breaking all over again. Pulling back, I swipe at my flowing tears then take a deep breath and begin the story of our journey that ended much too soon, starting with the night he stepped in to help me and broke Grant’s face.
“Good. That bastard deserves a hell of a lot more,” she seethes, some of her pain switching to anger now.
I nod but continue on, not wanting to focus on Grant anymore and share all the moments with her that I had with Jase. From the date auction, to our paragliding experience, and even my idiotic move of getting stuck in the peach tree. Something we both share a laugh over.
“He’s incredible, Mom, so much more than I knew. He made me feel things I’ve never felt, things I didn’t know I was capable of feeling.”
“You’re in love with him,” she says with a soft smile.
“Yeah, but it feels so much more than that. If I didn’t know better I’d swear I loved him in another life,” I admit, thinking about Madam Raman.
“Maybe you did.”
Her response takes me by surprise. “You believe in past lives?”
She shrugs. “Honestly, I’m not sure. I believe in God and heaven but there are many things we don’t know, Sam. Things that can’t be explained but can be felt. When you love someone so much, your heart never forgets it. I know I’ll never forget your father, no matter how many lives I live or how much time passes.”
I smile, knowing it’s true. “What you and Daddy have, I had it with Jase,” I tell her quietly. “I know I did. I’ll never love someone else like I do him.”