by Ali Merci
“I’m sorry.” He smiled then dropped it. How was he supposed to act whilst talking to her? His hands felt useless too and were just hanging down by his sides. So, he tucked them into his pockets and leaned back slightly against his open locker, the edge of one of his squeezed books tickling the nape of his neck. “Were you saying something?”
“Well…” She bent down, picking the worksheet that had slipped from between his lips. He had totally forgotten about in the mere heartbeats that had passed since she called him. “I was wondering if, you know, you still wanted me playing matchmaker?” She smiled almost teasingly at the end, a playful glint in her otherwise guarded eyes, making warmth flood him at the fact that he, Asa, had somehow evoked that emotion in her.
But then her words registered, and Asa would’ve choked had he been consuming anything.
“What?”
She tilted her head to the side slightly, and he almost tilted his head too in order to match her gaze. But he caught himself just in time. There was no need to make himself look like a bigger idiot than he already was in front of her.
“Sometimes painting gets boring,” she said. “Said” was too shallow a word for someone with her depth, though, Asa thought. “I don’t mind playing cupid once in a while.”
“So, you’ve done this before?” he asked with wide, awestruck eyes. Get a grip, he chided himself, she’s just a girl, not the view of a sunrise from a hilltop.
And God help him, she laughed. She laughed.
Carmen laughed and there was another shooting star brought to life in the empty spaces of his ribcage, making him feel a little more whole in that tiny moment.
“Of course not!” She shook her head, traces of the laughter left in her voice, her smile, and her eyes. “But, if we’re being serious, I really appreciate you giving me back my journal. So…” She shrugged, looking away, her eyes sweeping slowly over every single student that were loitering towards her left, lingering on a couple giggling and towards a boy angrily typing into his phone, before landing back on Asa.
They said eyes were windows to the soul and the way Carmen looked at him made him believe in that without a doubt as she sent lightning bolts his way, piercing through his skin and bones and touching something buried way deeper into his being.
But Carmen was only human, he reminded himself. And one human cannot hold that much power: her actually being able to see him, all of him.
“I did that because it was the right thing to do,” he said, softening his tone, “and because you stood up for Isla. I’ve told you that. And you don’t need to repay me for something that doesn’t deserve it.”
“It’s not a repayment, Asa.” She sighed, and goddammit, was it his name that spilled out of her mouth just now? How did she string three letters together and make it sound like it was one of her masterpieces she painted in the dead of the night? “I… I just.” She paused, and Asa waited. “I would like to surround myself with beautiful things. And when I say things, I also mean people.” Asa didn’t think he was breathing anymore. He couldn’t be. It should be a sin to be able to breathe after being spoken to like that by Carmen West. “And like I said when you drove me back home, you have a very nice inside, and if you don’t mind, I’d like to be in your presence from time to time.”
Silence was all that was there even though the bell for the first period just rang. Asa knew that students were banging their lockers shut, some of them were still talking, others exchanging hurried goodbyes and promises to catch up with each other during lunch. Despite all the extra noise, he couldn’t hear them.
“Um,” Carmen started, her mouth opening and closing like it was fighting with itself. “That is, you know, if you don’t mind. Is it because of the way I speak? Too weird? Lottie once told me I spoke too intensely, that it was sometimes creepy, so I’m sorry if it—”
“No,” he said firmly, snapping out of his dazed state within a blink of an eye. “It’s not creepy in the slightest bit. You wouldn’t be Carmen if you didn’t speak the way you do.” There was that fire coursing through Asa’s veins again, wanting to defend this girl he knew but didn’t know, because he didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable in her own skin.
But then his words registered, and when she beamed at him like he was a beacon of light, he felt his cheeks burn. He knew he could be too passionate in his speech. He wanted to slap himself for letting himself get carried away just now.
“I mean, you know,” he straightened himself, clearing his throat, “it’s cool.”
“That’s great.” She smiled, her fingers reaching for the chain around her neck and tugging it. “So, see you in class, I guess.”
He shut his locker and grabbed his bag off the floor, throwing it over his right shoulder as it hung crookedly against his back.
“Yeah, we have AP Lit in fifth period, right?”
“Actually, I was talking about third period. Mr Kyung’s class.”
Asa’s brows pulled together as his lips parted slightly, his mind racing through any memory he may have of that particular class. “We have AP Cal together too?”
Something in Carmen’s eyes seemed to deflate the slightest bit. Asa thought it was nothing but a trick of the lighting in the hallway. “Of course,” she said, voice as steady as ever and the smile not wavering in the slightest. Maybe he’d only imagined it. “I sit behind you since we’re assigned tables according to our last names.”
Asa wanted to bang his head against concrete so badly.
“So there’s no one with last names starting with T, U, and V?” He smiled uneasily, feeling like he’d committed some kind of a crime in secret and that it was only coming to light now.
Did he really sit in front of this girl and not have been aware of her presence?
“Guess not.” She smiled at him one last time and then began walking away.
The warning bell rang, but it just fell past Asa’s ears, not making its way through to him as he watched Carmen walk with that subtle tilt to her head as she let her eyes drink in anything and everything as if she was painting another masterpiece now. As if she was pouring all her heart into something else not another soul will ever know about.
21.
Black Rose
The thing about speaking to Carmen, Asa realised, was that while you were so caught up in every single world that fell past her lips and every single thing that she did, you wouldn’t really realise what she was saying until she’d gone away and taken that spell she cast over you along with her.
And as Asa sat in his second period class, all he could think about was the words “matchmaker” and “cupid” and everything along those lines that unsettled him for some reason.
He didn’t want Willa in that way, did he? Yes, he was a guy and no, he wasn’t blind to her looks and maybe it could actually go that way with her but…but what, Asa?
But Willa didn’t see him yet, not in the way he wanted—past the popularity, the easy smiles and that smooth attitude he had.
He just couldn’t figure out why Willa stood out to him; why it was her approval he craved so much. He just hated it when people assumed the worst of him, but what he detested even more was the restless part of him that couldn’t be at peace with it. The part of him that wanted to satisfy and prove people wrong whenever they thought of him in a certain way that he knew wasn’t true. That part of him that was a little boy, craving for affection and appraisal, seemed to drive away every other sense of logic in him.
But Asa was also a very passionate person, his blood always burning with one emotion or another, setting his veins on fire. He was a heart-over-head guy whose impulses fuelled almost every decision and choice he made, often leading to the most exhilarating or devastating circumstances.
In Asa’s world, there wasn’t room for reasoning, for logic. So, who was he to question why it was that he was ready to go to any lengths to feel validated by the girl with curly chestnut hair and incredible hazel eyes?
• ••
“Ho
w’d I do?”
“Consistent as the July heat in this town,” Wyatt said. “Thirteen seconds, exactly.”
Asa nodded and hauled himself out of the pool, where he’d just finished practicing his backstrokes.
“Keep going and you might end up being titled national champion this year, too.” He grinned. “Except, it’d be for the under nineteen category instead.”
Asa chuckled, grabbing his towel off the bleachers and wiping his face with it. “I appreciate the encouragement, buddy, but maybe boost yourself, too? You could go and claim that title as much as I’m capable of it.”
Wyatt waved a hand in the air nonchalantly. “Don’t care which one of us gets it as long as it’s someone from this school. Our school.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t think the others feel the same way,” Asa muttered, referring to the other Reichenbach High swimmers.
Wyatt sighed and dropped down next to Asa, letting his towel sit around his neck as he clasped his hands together. “Look, man, for what it’s worth, I still got your back just like I’ve had since day one.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, shutting his eyes for a few seconds. “But I can’t speak for the others, okay? They need to learn to put their differences aside and learn to accept that you’re part of this school and more importantly, part of the swimming squad here. And one of the biggest assets we’ve got on top of that.”
Asa cracked a smile and looked at his friend from the corner of his eyes, finding yet another reason to appreciate the day he’d run into this boy during freshman year while trying out for the school’s swim team. He was more than just glad they’d hit it off instantly and maintained that friendship. “Are we going to hug and cry on each other’s shoulders now?” Asa laughed. “It’d be an epic finish to that speech.”
“Screw you, San Román.” Wyatt grinned, shaking his head as he stood up and chucked the towel at Asa’s face. “See ya around, ass hat.”
“See ya,” Asa called over his shoulder as he began walking to the changing rooms in the opposite direction, the ghost of a smile still lingering on his face.
•••
“Asa!” Isla’s hands grabbed his and began yanking him towards a corner in the hallway whilst all the other students began making their way to the cafeteria.
“Yeah, what is it?” he asked in a bewildered tone, letting her drag him away as she made their way through the crowd, knocking into bodies while he kept throwing out apologies like confetti.
“So,” she breathed out heavily once they’d managed to weave their way through the throng of students and stop in a less crowded area. “You and Carmen are kind of buddy-buddy right?”
“Uh…”
“Right, so—”
“What? No, wait, I don’t even—”
“Asa,” she hissed, eyes narrowing beseechingly as she folded her arms across her stomach.
He sighed. “What do you want?”
“Well…” she started, dragging out the word as her eyes widened slightly. “She has an art journal, right?”
“I’m not pinching it for you if that’s what you want.”
She slapped his arm so hard, the sound echoed throughout that hallway. Asa winced, fighting the impulse to drag her away and dump her into the school’s pool just to infuriate her. Bitch, he cursed in his head as he examined the reddening of his skin.
“What the hell do you think of me?” She glared at him, annoyed. “Now, don’t interrupt and let me speak!” She pushed away strands of her hair from her face and fixed her eyes on him. “That means she’s good at this drawing stuff, right?”
“I haven’t really had a conversation with her regarding her talents, but I’ll let you know once I do.”
“For fuck’s sake, will you be serious for a minute?” She sounded exasperated now.
“I am being serious!” he exclaimed, his stomach growling due to the hunger that had been building ever since he’d used the pool with Wyatt during the free period they had after AP Cal.
“Well, then, ask her or something because I need a favour!”
“Why can’t you?”
“Because—” She came to an abrupt stop, her words catching in her throat as the fire that was burning so brightly in her eyes dimmed a little. She looked away with an air of dejection.
Asa stopped rubbing his forearm angrily and felt his posture soften as he looked at his best friend more carefully. “Because what, Isles?” he asked, softly now.
“Well, you know, she’d do it for you,” Isla mumbled, her voice sounding scratchy, devoid of all that fire that made Isla who she was. “You’re, well, you. And people don’t really think that much of me. I mean, Carmen’s nice, and all but she’s also good, you know? The righteous kind of good, and I don’t want her looking down on me.”
“Isles, she’s not going to look down on you,” Asa told her softly. “It’s Carmen.”
“Well, I don’t know her like you do!”
“I don’t really know her, either,” he admitted, his forehead creasing as he really thought about it. Did anyone know Carmen, really?
“Well then, all the more reason for you to ask her. Just say you want a portrait done for your parents’ anniversary, and if she says she’ll do it, I’ll give you a photo of mum and dad and you can just hand it to her, yeah?”
“I think Carmen would know the difference between Caucasian and Hispanic parents, Isla,” Asa said, his lips twitching as they fought off a smile.
Isla’s eyes widened at that, and she cracked a smile of her own before she dissolved into full-blown laughter. Asa grinned that his best friend didn’t seem so disheartened anymore.
“I’m such an idiot,” Isla muttered once her laughter died down, and she let out a huge, deep sigh. Her eyes flickered up to Asa’s. “She’d do it for me then?”
Asa thought of her, of Carmen; of the girl who wore a ghost of a smile on her face every second of every day as if it was her duty. He knew what her answer would be.
“Yeah, Isles.” He smiled, throwing his arm over her shoulder and steering them towards the direction of the cafeteria. “Just ask her. Trust me. She doesn’t bite.”
And when they stepped into the eating area, Asa’s eyes searched—for just that one tiny moment—for a girl with hair the darkest shade of indigo who created masterpieces in her head.
He found her then: sitting at one of the ordinary tables, in an ordinary school’s ordinary canteen, with other ordinary students, like she belonged there. Like she— Carmen West— could fit in with the rest of them.
But that was the difference between him and her; she stood out like a single black rose in a garden full of red ones, whilst he stood out like a pesky weed.
22.
Willa Bonham
Willa was holding an ice pack to her left eye, the cold temporarily numbing the painful throb that had spread over her cheekbone. Despite keeping the pain at bay, she knew it was going to bruise and turn a nasty shade of purple in a few hours.
“Is it any better?” Carmen asked from behind her, the left corner of her bottom lip tucked under her teeth in slight worry as she watched Willa.
“Oh yeah, it’s fantastic,” Willa responded sarcastically. “I can totally feel the pain disappearing into thin air like I didn’t just take a freaking hit to my face while playing basketball!”
“You mean attempting to play,” Lottie cut in, stifling a laugh. “You were so horrible at it I wanted to cry.”
“Sorry,” Carmen muttered, looking away and fixing her eyes on some graffiti on one of the doors of the bathroom stalls.
Willa sighed and lowered her hand, ignoring Lottie as she placed the ice pack on the sink for a brief moment. “No, I’m sorry for snapping,” she said, looking at Carmen through the mirror and offering a small, tired smile. “It wasn’t your fault.”
And just like that, the dejected look left Carmen’s eyes and she smiled at Willa with everything in her.
Carmen did that a lot, Willa realised. She was always so ready to smi
le and ask people how their day went and always help and give away her heart to a complete stranger. Willa shook her head to herself, scoffing slightly under her breath. People like Carmen didn’t last in this world, she thought to herself, looking at Carmen, not with that naïve mentality and idealistic tendencies, which was a shame, really, because Carmen was nice.
Willa was realistic. She knew the way the world worked, and you didn’t survive in it by setting yourself on fire so that others could use your flames as a source of light.
“We ready to leave?” Lottie asked after a few more minutes had passed.
“Yeah, I’m just going to walk though,” Carmen said.
Willa resisted the urge to roll her eyes at the thought that Carmen probably chose to walk in order to not pollute the air with car exhumes or something along those lines.
“It’s chilly outside, man,” Lottie told her, looking at Carmen like she was crazy.
Carmen cracked a smile for some odd reason. Willa could never understand how that girl’s mind worked. She was always walking around with an infuriating smile on her face like nothing could possibly go wrong in the world.
“That’s okay,” she murmured, adjusting the strap of her bag on the shoulder. “I don’t really mind all that much. You kind of forget about the cold when you take in everything else.”
“Everything else?” Willa asked despite herself.
“It’s autumn,” Carmen replied, a twinkle in her eye. “It’s perfect.”
“It’s cold,” Willa grumbled, leaning away from the sink and grabbing her backpack off the marble surface as she did so. “You’re crazy.”
Carmen only smiled in response, shrugging slightly. “I think it’s beautiful.”
Lottie sighed and opened the door of the washroom as the three of them began piling out. “You think everything’s beautiful, Carmen.”
Carmen didn’t say anything; Willa noticed her hand reached up to the chain around her neck, tugging on it slightly.