by Ali Merci
•••
Carmen’s bones felt a little heavy that morning as she walked through the school gates, across the grounds, and into the building. But it was more than exhaustion in her bones—it felt deeper, more intense somehow. Like she was tired in her soul.
“Carmen, wait!”
Her head turned towards her left, and her eyes landed on Isla who was walking up to her from behind with a tight smile on her face. Immediately, she pushed away her own exhaustion and lit her face up with a welcoming grin, hoping it’d take away the weariness that seemed to be present in the electric blue eyes of the other girl.
And it did. Carmen saw it in the way Isla’s posture instantly softened and in the way her tight smile eased into a relaxed one instead.
Miraculously—even though Carmen didn’t believe in miracles— she felt her own exhaustion lessen in its volume. As if lifting someone else’s spirits with a mere smile had succeeded in nipping away at the heaviness in her bones and making her feel a bit lighter somehow.
“Hello, Isla.” She resumed walking when the other girl had caught up with her. “How can I help you?”
“Um,” Isla began. “Well, see…you’re…”
Carmen placed her hand on Isla’s, bringing them both to a gentle stop in their walk down the hallway. “I don’t bite, Isla.” She smiled softly. “What is it?”
“Why are you so nice to me?” Isla blurted, yanking her hand away from Carmen’s hold and folding her arms across her chest, her body going into a defensive mode within the blink of an eye.
Carmen’s lips parted, but she didn’t know what to say right then. The hostility hardening Isla’s eyes wasn’t understandable, not to her. “I…I don’t know why that’s upsetting you,” Carmen said quietly, her hand reaching for the chain around her neck and tugging at it.
Isla closed her eyes for several seconds, breathing heavily, before she opened them and looked at her with slight weariness. “I’ve never been on the receiving end of it that much,” she admitted, voice clipped and palms clenched into tight fists. Carmen winced at her balled-up palms, worrying about the nail indents that might be engraved into her skin later on.
Carmen thought of going home today and draw palms with crescent like indents on them. Maybe she’ll paint a heart that was cracked into two halves the way her own heart was breaking now listening to Isla’s words about not having others be nice to her.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” she said honestly. “I don’t understand people sometimes.” Or maybe she did. Maybe Carmen did understand people and how twisted some minds could become. In a way, it was that what scared Carmen the most.
“It’s all right.” Isla shrugged, but Carmen didn’t see the nonchalance conveyed by her shrug there. No, Carmen’s eyes saw the weight of the world sitting atop Isla’s shoulders. She saw the struggle when Isla lifted her shoulders as if it weighed too much, and the exhaustion when the girl dropped them back down, as if she was being pulled under yet again. Isla wasn’t all right as she claimed to be.
Then again, how many times had Carmen smiled and said she was fine herself when in reality all she wanted to do was go to sleep forever?
Forever. It seemed like a nice idea. Eternity wrapped up in a pretty little bow until you pulled one end of the knot, and everything came undone.
“Actually, there was something I wanted to give my parents as a going away present,” Isla explained, smiling slightly as her hard exterior softened up again and she let her arms fall to her side. “And I need your expertise for it.”
Carmen blinked, surprise dawning over her features. “Are you switching schools?”
Isla just laughed, shaking her head. “Of course not, but I will be going away for college, and it’s so far it might as well be on the other side of this world. I won’t get to see them as often as I’d like, so I want to leave behind something for them to remember me by.” She ran a hand through her blonde hair, shooting Carmen a quick smile. “Tell anyone I’m a sentimental fool, and I’ll kill you in your sleep.”
Laughter burst out of Carmen, causing a few sleepyheads to snap in their direction as if they were wondering which sane person could be so jovial this early in the morning.
“But what do you need me for?” Carmen inquired once her laughter had died, and the ghost of it lingered in her voice. “And we’ve only begun senior year. Why are you planning a gift this early?”
“Those two go hand in hand actually,” Isla replied. “I have a bunch of photographs that I need you to sketch because I want a few alterations made to them—all in one single book like a photo album, you know? Something like your art journal.”
Carmen’s shoulders stiffened, and the smile dropped from her face instantly. “How do you know I have an art journal?” she asked, frowning slightly, a haze of vulnerability enveloping her and heightening her senses. Had Asa told her?, she asked herself.
Isla blinked, as if debating with herself, before slowly responding, “Well, I found it in Asa’s bag the other day.”
“Oh,” the word tumbled out of Carmen’s mouth with a breath of relief. So maybe Asa hadn’t deliberately shown it to his best friend after all.
“Yeah, we even got into a stupid fight because of it.” Isla laughed, waving her hand in the air dismissively. “I didn’t know it was something private like an art journal. I just saw your name on it and was curious, but he just went batshit crazy.” She chuckled at the end as if reliving the memory in her head.
Carmen’s heart swelled, and she found her lips stretching ever so slightly into a soft smile. Asa was like the sun, she realised. He might not be always near her, but he still found a way to shower her with warmth.
“Oh,” she said again, but this time it was because she couldn’t put into words something she wanted to paint instead.
“Well, that’s what I want, anyway. To make something like a photo album but with sketches of those photographs instead of the images itself. Think you could do it?” Isla bit down on one corner of her lip, looking hopeful.
“Sure.” Carmen smiled. “It will take time though, especially since you said you have enough photographs to fill an entire album.”
Isla nodded. “That’s why I’m coming to you as early as now. So that by the time senior year’s over and it’s time to head over, it’ll be ready.”
“Of course, Isla. You’ll have it by then.”
The bell for first period rang, cutting through the air and reminding everyone their day is far from over.
“See you around, Carmen,” Isla said, smiling and waving as she turned around and headed in the opposite direction. As she walked, Carmen noticed Isla’s shoulders straighten, and her back become rigid. As if she was preparing herself for battle.
Carmen saw herself in Isla in the way she braced herself before stepping into the ring as if their minds were chanting today you fight, today you fight, today you fight in hopes that one day they could just go to sleep without bruised knuckles and bleeding hearts.
Carmen had walked in with heavy bones and a tired soul today. But seeing Isla’s smile made her bones a little lighter and Asa’s warmth burning her soul a little brighter.
Perhaps that was the key to unravelling Carmen: understanding that she wasn’t just Carmen, but a combination of many different worlds. She was made up of the people she crossed paths with. The people who broke her, the people who fixed her, the people who left her, and the people who were nothing more but a memory from another lifetime. Even so, they lived on forever in Carmen’s heart.
Because whether they’d done right by her or wronged her, she’d once loved them. Loved their bones, loved their hearts and loved their souls. And when Carmen West loved, there was no going back. She carried pieces of everyone inside her.
And she was yet to decide if they served as an anchor that brought her home, or just deadweight that dragged her down.
26.
Boys Don’t Break
It was lunch time, and Asa had a startling realisation whi
le walking with a spring in his steps towards the cafeteria: he was looking forward to it.
He hadn’t had a class today that he shared with Carmen so far, and now would only be the time—the first time—that he’ll get to see her.
It wasn’t like in the sixth grade when he had a silly crush on Hayley Woods. He’d used to excuse himself from his third period a few minutes just before it ended every Tuesday under the pretence of using the washroom. He’d lounge by her home-econ class so as soon as the bell rung, he would be able to catch a glimpse of her as she left the room.
It wasn’t like when he had first decided to go and tell the school’s swim coach that he liked swimming and wanted the training to officially play the sport on behalf of the school. He’d look forward to doing it after school, mustering up the courage and walking up to coach’s office before he lost all confidence and walked away.
It wasn’t like when he’d found Carmen’s art journal and mistaken it for Willa’s. He’d thought it would be the perfect excuse to have a run-in with the chestnut-haired girl again. He had anticipated the opportunity then to take away that judgement she held in her hazel eyes whenever they landed on him.
No, looking forward to seeing Carmen was more than the silly hopes of a twelve-year-old to catch a glimpse of his crush. Looking forward to seeing Carmen was more than the excitement of an awestruck fourteen-year-old who wanted to participate in a sport he’d always loved. It was more than the desperation of a confused almost-eighteen-year-old who didn’t know how to love himself and went searching for validation and approval in the hazel eyes of a new student/.
No, looking forward to seeing Carmen was realising that someone he hadn’t even spared a glance until two weeks back had somehow found her way into his bloodstream and there was no flushing her out of his system.
And Asa couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so terrified.
•••
“You look distracted,” Isla commented as they paid for their lunch and began walking away to their usual table where their mutual friends would gather.
“Mmm,” Asa responded, eyes landing on Carmen without having to search the area, as if his body and mind already knew where she was.
And there she was. —Carmen West in all her ethereal glory.
Asa didn’t know when he’d stopped in his tracks, but there he stood, towards the leftmost centre of the cafeteria, consumed by the girl who reminded him of the full moon’s glow when she smiled.
Carmen was leaning back in her chair, her torso fully pressed against it that Asa’s heart skipped at the fear that she might topple it backwards. Her chin was tilted upwards as she listened to Lottie ramble on about something. One of her arms was wrapped around her own stomach, and the other was toying with that chain around her neck.
She was nodding every now and then, completely engrossed in whatever her friend was saying. Asa knew that was the most normal thing anyone would ever do but something about watching Carmen behave like she was just another ordinary being made his lips twitch and stretch across his face in a secretive manner.
Maybe his lips knew that there was a smile that should be reserved for Carmen and her alone.
Maybe his senses and his organs were already tuned into everything that was Carmen West and finding her was becoming as natural as breathing.
Asa didn’t know. God, Asa didn’t know, but all he was certain of was that his world was one thing before Carmen and something else entirely once he’d laid eyes on her midnight hair and thundercloud eyes.
Asa was seventeen years and eight months old, but today he realised his life would no longer be measured by the years but by lifetimes instead. He was lucky to say he lived two different lifetimes: the world before Carmen West and now the one with her.
There was a sharp jolt to his arm, snapping Asa out of his trance. He realised he’d been recently falling frequently under it. His eyes landed on an annoyed Isla who was shaking his arm rather violently.
“What are you doing?” he asked her in confusion.
She snorted, gaping at him incredulously. “Are you for real? I’ve been asking you that exact same thing this entire time. You’ve been standing here in the middle of nowhere like a madman!” She dropped his hand and threw her arms into the air. “What are you doing?”
His cheeks started to grow warm, and all he could was nothing but a shrug.
Isla raised her brows. “The heck is wrong with you?”
Asa was grinning because right then, he just realised he didn’t have detention anymore which meant another car ride with Carmen after school. Another early autumn evening of witnessing Carmen make herself at home in the passenger seat of his beat-up red truck—right next to him. Another day of driving himself back home from hers with the smell of her paint..
“Oh, my God.” Isla squeezed her eyes shut, pinching the bridge of her nose and taking deep breaths as if to restrain herself from punching Asa’s face repeatedly. When she opened them back again, the anger there reminded Asa why the shade of blue in her eyes was called electric blue, and he wiped the grin off his face immediately, sobering up.
“I’m sorry,” he quickly said. “You must be hungry and I’ve kept you waiting. Let’s go.”
Just as he started walking in the direction they were originally headed to, Isla’s hand shot out and wrapped around his forearm, stopping him in his tracks.
He sighed. “Look, I really am sorry, you don’t need to have a go at me—”
“Do you want to sit at that table?” Isla asked, cutting Asa off as she looked at him with a seriousness he’d never seen her wear before.
“With our friends?” He pretended to misunderstand, referring to the table they usually sat at. “Yeah, sure. We sit there almost every day.”
It was Isla’s turn to sigh now. She shot him a deadpan look. “You know which table I’m talking about,” she told him in an accusatory tone. “Now, do you want to sit there or not?”
He shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck as his eyes once again fell on Carmen, and slowly drifted towards Willa. “I know you don’t like it there, Isles.”
“Yes, but with the way you’re staring at that place just seconds ago like a wounded pup is making me consider it.”
He ignored her gibe. “I don’t know. What if they find it weird?” he asked, his free hand curling into a fist like it did whenever he felt lost like he did right now.
“You’re Asa San Román,” she reasoned. “They’d welcome you with open arms.”
Asa smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes, because not even his best friend understood him.
Isla had called him Asa San Román and it was the same thing as if she had told him But you’re so hot, why should you ever feel self-conscious? Like that part of him was enough to make him feel accepted. But he was more than that, wasn’t he? Asa wanted to believe he was more.
“You should go.” She gave him a gentle push in the direction of where Carmen sat.
“You’re not coming?” he asked, voice tinged with slight panic.
“Asa.” She smiled knowingly. “Come on. You don’t need me. Plus, my presence there would only make the situation really bad. I can’t keep depending on Carmen to keep myself in check around that troll.”
“Her name is Willa.” Asa sighed. “And she’s not a troll. She’s a girl like you. Like Carmen.”
“Don’t defend her,” Isla snapped, eyes flashing. “She looks at me like I’m the gum under her shoe.”
“I’m not defending her, Isles,” Asa said patiently. “I’m just saying there’s always two sides to every story. As is with everyone.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Asa could sense she was going into defensive mode now.
Asa pressed his lips together, unsure whether it was a good idea to tell her exactly what was on his mind. But he thought that maybe Isla needed to hear it, and she was most likely to react less drastically if she heard it from him.
“You’re not exactly innocent either, Isle
s,” he said gently. “You’ve said pretty cruel things to the people you dislike too. Heck, Isles, you’ve done harsh shit to people.”
“They deserved it,” she said coldly, her eyes glaring at Asa with pure venom. It hurt him somewhere deep in his chest to have his best friend look at him that way.
“Don’t you think that’s the same mentality Willa has?” he asked, softening his tone even further but not backing down. “Don’t you also think that in her perspective you deserve it?”
There was a stretch of silence, and Asa noticed the way Isla curled her palms into fists, as if truly making an effort to not hit him right then.
“Isles, you’re my best friend,” he said quietly. “And I love you. I do. But maybe I’ve turned a blind eye to all the shit you’ve pulled and excused certain aspects of your behaviour out of blind loyalty. It needs to stop.”
“You’re taking her side? Really? That ogre?”
Asa was aware they were attracting a little attention now, considering that both he and Isla were standing in the same place without moving.
“I’m not taking sides, that’s what I’m trying to tell you,” he explained. “I’ve only ever stood on your side of the line all this time. But that day, when we all had lunch together, hearing both you and Willa interact, made me think about how that other side of the line looks like. About how our side looks from theirs.”
“Well, congratulations. I’m so fucking happy that you have a conscience Asa,” she snapped. “You can go ahead and join the rest of them with holier-than-thou attitudes. I never needed you anyway. Not the way you needed me.”
Time froze for Asa right then. His heart stopped beating and his lungs ceased functioning as well.
“What?” he whispered.
“You can’t even walk up to Carmen because you’re so fucking afraid of how she’d look at you,” she hissed, throwing daggers with her eyes and twisting them further into him with her words. “You wag your tail behind Willa like some pathetic lapdog, looking for affection and approval in a place where you’re never going to find it.