by Ali Merci
Breathe for another day, because if this one person alone could hold such wonder, then surely there must be so much more in this world to appreciate. Carmen would do anything to see it all.
He must’ve read her lips as she called his name, because he was beginning to walk in her direction.
He was walking towards her. Towards Carmen.
Asa was making his way to her, and Carmen wished, in that moment at least, that he’d learn to make his way to her in more than just the literal sense of the phrase. But that would take a miracle, and Carmen no longer believed in them.
When there was only a few more steps left for Asa to take to reach her, she began to walk over to cover the distance. Then they met, with the clouds moving in to cover most of the sun again, taking away the gold-like tinge to Asa’s hair and the sparkle in his eyes.
Even in the dull shade, she still saw Asa as a painting—a thousand shades of brown and gold. In that moment, Carmen realised how grand a museum she’d already built for him inside her mind. That should’ve frightened her, but seeing him as a work of art seemed to bring Carmen some quiet in her otherwise loud mind.
She’d always believed, right down to her soul, that art made up for her lack of light.
But here was that light: Asa.
But Asa was more than that. Asa was the embodiment of the sun in all its glory. Carmen wondered how close she could get to him without setting herself on fire.
“You called me?” he asked after a while, one of his hands fidgeting with the locks of his hair near his forehead. Pulling it then flattening it down, only to mess it up again.
She opened her mouth to respond, but a beat passed and she still couldn’t say anything. What was there to say? “You’ve been avoiding me since lunch,” she pointed out, not entirely certain whether she should have said that.
His hand froze, as if not expecting her to call him out on it so brazenly.
“I didn’t think we had anything to say to each other.” He sighed, running a hand down his face, looking tired in a way that Carmen was all too familiar with. Eyes so weary as if the exhaustion ran way deeper than he was letting on. Carmen knew exactly how that felt.
She also knew no amount of rest was going to cure that.
“Maybe you didn’t,” Carmen said, her heart doing rounds of nerve-wracking bungee jumping, plummeting down to her stomach and being yanked back up before it could hit the ground. On and off. On and off. On and off. Again, and again.
“But I have a few things to say to you,” she told him quietly, her fingers picking at the loose threads on the sleeve of her other arm.
Asa sighed, dropping his shoulders, too tired to pour any more energy into pretending he could carry all the weight on his back. “Can’t it wait?” he asked. “I’m really not in the mood.”
“But I won’t get to speak to you until tomorrow.”
He raised a brow in question.
“I don’t like it when someone I care about has to go to sleep with a heavy heart,” she said, chewing on the bottom of her lip because her heart was falling, falling, falling. Falling into that bottomless pit of uncertainty and fear that always appeared whenever she spoke with her heart and soul on her tongue.
She didn’t know what to expect, but maybe it wasn’t the way Asa’s hand froze midway as he ran it through his hair. Maybe it wasn’t the way his coffee eyes zeroed in on hers like he was seeing something precious there that he hadn’t found anywhere else. Maybe it wasn’t the way he swallowed, as if he needed to feel his Adam’s apple move in order to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.
It certainly wasn’t the manner in which he was looking at her now, like he’d witnessed something fall from up above and land right in front of him.
He called her name like there was a constellation waiting to be named after her, and now he was staring at her as if she herself was a celestial being. It pained Carmen to know that he was just a guy with awestruck eyes who thought she was a falling star when in reality, she was nothing but a meteor who only caused havoc and destruction, bringing nothing but pain.
“Don’t…” His voice was hoarse, and his eyes looked conflicted. So conflicted, in fact, that if eyes were indeed the windows to one’s soul, Carmen would see the war raging on inside him. “Don’t say—don’t talk to me in that way.” He was struggling, and it was plain to see.
Carmen saw it in the way his palms kept curling into ironclad fists in order to hide the fact that his hands were trembling. His eyes stayed stuck on hers despite how his shoulders and jaw looked tense, as if he was about to take off running.
In that moment that had somehow turned into yet another one of their infinites, Carmen found herself wanting something she’d never wanted before from another person. She wanted half of Asa’s weight—half the struggle she saw him carrying on his shoulders but wearing it as a cape instead.
“In what way Asa?” She cocked her head to the right slightly, narrowing her eyes and furrowing her brows. “I didn’t mean anything bad by it.”
He shut his eyes, as if her words troubled him deeply, and he couldn’t bear to look at her and hear them at the same time. “I know, Carmen,” he said in a pained voice. Oh how she ached to rip away the hurt from his veins. She wanted to flush it out of his system and remind him that pain had no business flowing through his bones when he had a heart made of a gold that rivalled the radiance of the sun itself.
He opened his eyes, and they looked so intense that Carmen felt her heart flutter in her ribs, wanting to spread its wings and fly, no longer comfortable with being caged.
“I know you didn’t mean anything bad by it,” he said, his breathing sounding uneven even to her ears. “But that’s the problem.” His fists clenched tighter if that was even humanely possible. Carmen pressed her lips, wanting to force his palms open; she was sure he was hurting himself. “You shouldn’t—you shouldn’t be speaking to me that way. I’m not… I’m not.” He stressed on it, as if there was no better way he could explain himself than that. “And you are.”
To Carmen, it made sense. It made more sense than it ever would if he’d tried explaining himself further. She offered him a small smile as she walked closer and then slowly, but without any hesitancy, her hands found his. She let her palms cover his own, as her fingers fought to uncurl his fists. Her eyes were greeted with the sight of pale red crescent-like indents on his skin.
“Why do you hurt yourself, Asa?” she murmured, her thumbs running over the indents on both his palms.
“It doesn’t matter,” he muttered. He didn’t pull his hands away and, for some reason, it warmed Carmen’s heart.
She tilted her head up, meeting his eyes and frowning at him. “Don’t say that. Why—”
But she couldn’t continue because right then, Asa had pulled one of his hands away from hers and shakily brought it up to her face. His fingers trembled like he was preparing to touch something that wasn’t supposed to exist, and he just needed to make sure it was there.
His hand came to rest on one side of her face, his thumb grazing the skin just beneath her bottom lip. Carmen knew she didn’t believe in miracles, but how else was she going to explain the way Asa’s hand stopped shaking once it had touched her face? It was as if that was all it took to calm him.
“You’re frowning,” he murmured, tapping his forefinger on one corner of her mouth. “I hate it when you frown. It makes me want to tear to pieces whatever has upset you.”
“Then tear down that armour, Asa,” she told him, leaning her face into his palm. His hand was starting to feel like home, and it terrified her but also brought her peace. “Tear away that outer skin, and wear the one you were born with like its gold, because it is.” She brought up her free hand to cover his that was holding her face. “Because right now, that is what’s upsetting me.”
And when he smiled then, it was different than all the other times she’d seen him do so.
When Asa smiled then, it was like the crack of dawn after a long, sleepless
night.
When Asa smiled then, it was like the blooming of the first ever flower, signalling spring’s approach.
It was watching something coming to life in his eyes, and Carmen felt a little bit of that blood on her hands get washed away. She may have taken away a life from this world, but something about bringing light into Asa’s eyes made her feel more whole than she ever had in years.
He didn’t just make her whole. He helped her make herself feel whole, and that was everything in Carmen’s world.
29.
Home Is Two Hands & A Beating Heart
Asa knew he shouldn’t be doing this, but what was this exactly?
He swore on his life that he was doing nothing but touching her face and yet… yet, it felt so much more.
So, so much more.
Everything with Carmen was always more. She was more. And she kept filling up Asa in the places that he thought were empty, like those cracks and crevices that he believed would forever stay dark and hollow.
But here she was, holding his hand and illuminating the parts of him he didn’t have the energy to light up by himself today. Maybe this was the other step in the road to self-love; perhaps it was knowing when to allow your body to give in and rest because it can get tired sometimes. Perhaps it was knowing when to let someone else be your wings while you tend to your aching shoulders that felt too burdened by the world to lift you up anymore.
And that was okay. That was okay. Because Asa was allowed to take a break every once in a while. The art of learning to love yourself wasn’t some masterpiece that had already been painted and hung behind a glass somewhere where everyone can take a peek at.
No, this art was a different form altogether. There was no original. There was no guideline. Like his, everyone else’s wasn’t fully painted yet, waiting for the angry strokes, the colourful ones; for stains, scratches and every single element that made each person’s completed canvas unique. But Asa was far from being a finished piece. He was a work in progress, and he’d come to realise Carmen was a work in progress too, and that was okay. It was okay. What was the hurry, anyway?
Maybe Carmen and he could add the finishing touches to their canvases together. One day they could both stand shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand, and admire their completed canvases hanging on the museum walls he was sure she’d constructed in her mind.
“I thought you weren’t good with words.” He chuckled, looking at her fondly because he couldn’t bring himself to move from the current position he was in. “And that art was your strong suit.”
“It is,” she agreed. “But, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just you.” She smiled then in such a soft way that if Asa died right then, he’d die in pure bliss. “You make me say the kind of things someone usually writes down in their personal journal.”
And there went Asa’s heart, doing somersaults in his chest. He had to bite the inside of his cheeks to stop from grinning so wide that his face would’ve combusted. God, she made him feel like a kid. It was unreal.
This couldn’t be true. This couldn’t exist. There was no way it could. One single person couldn’t just light up flares and illuminate all your dark parts and guide you home. That was too much emotional power for someone to have over you.
He’d given his best friend that kind of power, and in return had gotten his heart handed to him on a silver platter with a dagger sticking out from the middle of it.
And that was just Isla, his best friend. Giving Carmen West such power would probably have consequences on a cosmic level. It would be too much. Too much, too much, too much, Asa thought. That kind of intensity frightened him to no end.
“Actually, I was just sweet talking you into giving me a ride back home today.” Carmen grinned then, and even though it was supposed to steal his breath away, Asa found himself laughing. “Look at you.” He rolled his eyes. “Trying to sound funny.”
“Considering the fact that you did laugh, I’d say I’m pretty darn funny.”
“Mmm…hmm,” he mumbled, his heart beating fast all of a sudden. He could never explain it when it came to her but he always found himself going insane in the moments where she was her simplest self.
That was the thing about Carmen, he then realised; she had a way of taking the most ordinary moments and turning them into some of the most extraordinary ones.
Or, maybe, he just found her the most extraordinary in all the moments of his dull life.
“Asa.” She laughed, and he swore another shooting star was born. “We can’t stand here forever. We’re, like, the last students here. Even the janitors are starting to leave.”
But I want to stand here with you, Asa wanted to say. I want to hold your hand and touch your face forever. Carmen made him want to cut open his chest and put his heart and soul on display for her eyes, but he didn’t know how to do that without allowing other people access too.
So he remembered his place and took a step back, dropping his hand from her face and pulling away his other palm from her grasp.
“Yeah, we better get going,” he said, keeping his tone casual, and averted his eyes before he could see her reaction. He made sure his shift in his attitude was subtle, but he was sure it wouldn’t have escaped her notice. Carmen saw everything. He didn’t want to know if pulling back had hurt her in some way.
He’d just had his heart shredded, and he didn’t think he was quite ready to go around handing it to someone else in its raw state before it was fully patched up. Even if that someone happened to be Carmen West, the girl with midnight for her hair and thundercloud for her eyes.
Minutes later, Asa found himself with his hands on the steering wheel of his truck, and right next to him, where she belonged, sat Carmen. His eyes swept over her art journal sitting on the dashboard, her faded sneakers with one of the logos peeling off tossed carelessly on the floor of the vehicle, and then finally Carmen, landing on the seat with her feet tucked underneath her as she made herself at home in the passenger seat yet again.
And, for the first time in his life, Asa felt like home wasn’t necessarily four walls with a front lawn, but maybe two hands and a beating heart.
30.
The Definition of Beautiful
“Oh, by the way. Asa?” Carmen spoke after a long stretch of silence, her voice blending with the tranquillity of it rather than piercing the calm bubble.
“Yeah?” Asa asked in response, his mouth automatically curving upwards into a smile. He just felt so goddamn happy whenever she spoke to him. It was pure madness now.
“I forgot to tell you about our plans for tomorrow,” she said, colouring something in her art journal that Asa made a point not to take a peek at.
“Plans?” His brows furrowed together. “What plans?” He turned to face her just as he stopped right in front of her house and noticed the way she pursed her lips, as if she was being cautious about something.
“Well,” she started and that was enough to instantly put Asa on his guard.
“What’d you do?” he asked wearily.
Her head snapped towards him, her grey eyes widening in innocence. “I didn’t do anything,” she defended. “Well, I mean, not anything bad.”
“Carmen,” he said warningly. “Out with it now.”
She let out a deep sigh that Asa could swear almost had a dramatic touch to it, as she shut her journal and turned her body around completely on the seat to face him.
“Okay, so, Willa hasn’t been around the neighbourhood yet. She kind of needs a tour around the place.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, so, you know.” She shrugged. “I told her you’d be happy to be her guide.”
Asa choked on his own spit, immediately sitting up straighter, as he looked at Carmen like she’d spoken in pig Latin.
“Why would you do that?”
“Because…I thought it was a good idea?” She pressed her lips further that her mouth was almost invisible now.
“What on earth.” He closed his eyes, breathing deepl
y as he tried to make sense of her logic. “Made you think that was a good idea?”
“You’re the one who told me you needed help to set you up with Willa,” she pointed out.
“What?!” He asked, his mouth gaped open. “When did I ever say that?” He didn’t like Willa in the romantic sense of the way, did he? Of course not. So, what was Carmen going on about?
Carmen sat straighter, looking at Asa like he was the one who’d grown another head now. “You kept my journal from me for it,” she reminded him, incredulity and confusion settling into her eyes. “That’s what you said I had to do in order to get it back!”
“I never said I liked her!”
“Yes, you did,” she responded calmly, and that drove Asa insane. It always got under his skin how she could just remain so unfazed. He had that annoying urge again—to grab her shoulders and shake her hard until she spilled out her actual thoughts.
“No, I didn’t,” he said through gritted teeth, shooting an unimpressed look at her.
“Oh, goodness,” she huffed, placing her journal heavily on the truck’s dashboard. “You said I could only get my journal back if I helped you with Willa.”
“Yeah.” He raised a brow, emphasising on his point. “But I never said to set me up with her. I never even gave the impression that I like her in that sort of way.”
Carmen blinked, as if finding it hard to understand the words leaving Asa’s mouth. “But that’s what you implied,” she said slowly. “What else could those words have meant?”
Asa shrugged helplessly, throwing his hands into the air. “Literally anything else! It could’ve just meant that I wanted a way to interact with her.”
“Yeah, exactly! Why else would you’ve wanted my help to find a way to interact with her unless you weren’t interested?”
“You’re not making any sense, Carmen.” He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. She was driving him mad.