Through Your Eyes

by Ali Merci

  “I’m still waiting for my hug.”

  “Oh, piss off.” Wyatt snorted and shoved Asa playfully before walking down the hall with a smile and a shake of his head.

  Despite the light-hearted moment, Asa found himself in wonder if perhaps losing something in the short run meant winning another thing in the long one.

  Because even though he knew that Isla was no more a part of his life, leaving a dull ache somewhere in his chest, gaining back Wyatt’s friendship felt like a breath of fresh air and for once—for once—he wanted to focus on the good rather than letting himself drown in the bad.

  •••

  Asa was using the school’s pool again.

  It was a spare period, and just like all the other times, he wanted to spend it in the one place he could have a peaceful state of mind.

  Even underneath the water, whilst he held his breath, a part of him still thought about how he’d had that peace of mind during the car rides with Carmen, when she used to be seated beside him.

  Honestly, he’d never believed anything other than losing himself underwater could bring that sense of calmness over him. But apparently there was something else that effortlessly provided him solace, and it came in the form of a hurricane with midnight hair and thundercloud eyes that smelt like a late autumn afternoon.

  There was a pressure right in the middle of his chest, but he was quite certain it had nothing to do with the fact that he’d been holding his breath for so long and everything to do with the mere recalling of Carmen’s half-smile half-grin.

  Needing to come up for air, Asa let his arms stop moving and waited as his body gradually dropped from the floating position, and his feet grazed the pool’s floor. Even with his towering six-foot-three-inch frame standing in the centre of the pool, the water managed to reach his collarbones. That’s how deep it was.

  “Hey.”

  The voice that had materialised out of thin air made Asa gasp, and forgetting momentarily that he was standing in a pool, he stumbled backwards only to lose his balance. He fell into the water without warning, and it entered his mouth that’d opened in shock, making his lungs burn before he quickly scrambled to the surface again, coughing violently and spluttering all over the place.

  “Oh my God!” he heard Carmen yell and from his currently blurred peripheral vision, saw her scramble to her feet, as if to rush towards the side of the pool he was in.

  Asa shook his head quickly and gestured for her to stay back, while he still tried to catch his breath. “Don’t—” He heaved, grabbing onto the pool’s edge and lifting himself up halfway. “The floor’s slippery—” he cleared his throat, hating the burning sensation from swallowing water, “so unless you want a concussion or a fractured skull, I’d suggest not running.”

  He stayed put in that position for a while, the edge of the pool wall pressing into his stomach as he kept his upper torso bent over the wall in an attempt to catch his breath. Eventually, the burning feeling in his lungs and throat dissipated, and his breathing became even once again.

  There were so many questions running around in his head, bumping into each other and setting off mini explosions, but he shoved them all away to a corner of his mind. They weren’t his priority right now.

  No, right now, all he wanted to do was look at her. At Carmen. He just needed to allow his eyes to drink in every single atom of her being.

  So he pressed his palms further against the wall and pulled himself completely out of the water, sitting there by the edge of the pool and tilting his head to the side as his eyes swept over her like they had all the time in the world.

  Carmen was staring at him, her eyes slightly wide and dazed, her mouth just a tiny bit ajar like she wanted to say something but didn’t know how to. Her skin was pale, almost ivory, and her dark hair and grey eyes made her look like some porcelain doll. Honestly, if she had cherry red lips, she might as well have been the real-life version of Snow White.

  But the problem with having pale skin such as hers was that it was pretty noticeable when colour seeped in, and his eyes instantly picked up on the rosy tint that was dusting her cheeks and neck now.

  Asa’s eyes never left hers as his lips curved into a lazy smirk, knowing that she was feeling flustered about seeing him up close like this. He was so used to Carmen looking past his defences and his exterior, that he’d forgotten that she was capable of being affected by his physique too.

  “Did you just come here to check me out?” He grinned.

  The rosy tint of her cheeks darkened to a furious shade of red as she quickly shut her eyes and muttered something under her breath.

  To Asa’s surprise, she shook her head to herself, opened her eyes, and then began walking towards where he was cautiously. Once she was right next to him, she dropped her bag and seated herself on the floor, crossing her legs as her kneecaps gently brushed his legs.

  “So,” she said.

  “So.” He raised a brow.

  He noticed as one of her hands reached up for the chain around her neck and began fidgeting with it.

  “I have a spare right now too.” She shrugged. “And I figured you’d be here during yours.”

  “You’re on a spare too?” Asa’s mind flashed back to their conversation last week when they’d had a free period together. “Another coincidence?” he asked with a touch of nostalgia in his voice.

  Carmen’s lips slowly curved into a small smile. “Funny things they are, coincidences.”

  “Hmm,” he mumbled, distracted, as his eyes drilled into hers.

  “I mean, it’s crazy, isn’t it? To think that we’ve been having our spares at the same time all this time. But you’d always be here in the pool, and I’d be spending my time in the art room.” She looked at the floor, her brows pulling together. “Just a building apart. That had been the only distance between you and me.”

  All those times he hadn’t acknowledged her existence, and she’d just been a building away during his spares, a few tables away during lunch, a couple of rows away during AP Lit, and just a single seat away in AP Cal.

  And now... Now he could feel every inch of her being intertwined with his own existence and Lord knew Asa wouldn’t change it for the world. It didn’t matter that they’d been going to the same high school all this time; it didn’t matter that it’d taken them this long to find each other.

  They were here, together, right now. And that was all that mattered.

  Carmen sighed deeply, interrupting Asa’s stream of thoughts. “I’m not like you,” she muttered suddenly.

  He turned away from staring at the water and furrowed his brows, looking at her quizzically. “What?”

  Her eyes landed on his, and something in his stomach twisted painfully. God, he’d missed speaking to her. Or even just having her within touching distance.

  “When you’re upset, you want to let someone in,” she explained, her fingers curling around the pendant of her chain tighter. “You want to talk to someone. You prefer opening up. But I… I push people away. I choose to isolate myself. Suffer in silence, that sort of thing.”

  Asa sighed and unfolded his arms, reaching out a hand and taking one of her palms in his.

  “Wow, your hand’s pretty cold,” she remarked in surprise.

  “Because of the water,” he said nonchalantly. “But, listen, you don’t have to ex—”

  “No, you will listen,” Carmen said firmly, frowning at him. “You were pushed away when all you were trying to do was help, and you are owed an apology for that. So stop trying to shrug it off and let me apologise to you. You deserve that much at the very least.”

  Asa’s breathing faltered, and he felt warmth flood his insides, because even when he didn’t need her to explain her sudden change of heart last week, here she was anyway, telling him he deserved to know. Because even when Asa didn’t know how to put himself first, Carmen always knew. And she never failed to do so.

  And if Asa wasn’t careful, he could fall in lo—

 
No, he decided. To hell with caution.

  Asa was already in love with her. Hook, line and sinker. And there was not a single bone in his body, not a single fibre of his being that was going to even consider denying this fact.

  I love her, I love her, I love her. He was so goddamn in love with her, and there was no other revelation that could’ve shaken Asa’s world more.

  But the storm was only momentary, lasting for a mere heartbeat, before the calm came back and took a hold of his senses. Carmen may have a mind that was made of chaos, but she brought Asa nothing but peace. And admitting to himself that he was in love with her made him feel at peace. It didn’t necessarily make sense to him, not completely, anyway. But logic didn’t matter to him right now.

  Right now, all he wanted was to lose himself in that sense of calm and pure bliss.

  “It’s just…” Carmen was speaking again, completely clueless and unaware about Asa’s realisation. “…seeing Hunter there, it… it took me by surprise. My extended family aren’t exactly on good terms with my dad and me, especially mum’s side of the family.”

  “Carmen.” Asa held up a hand, knowing that she was speaking about something important but unable to really pay attention to anything other than the fact that his heart was about to explode out of his chest any minute now. “Um, I just—I need for you to just stop for a little while, okay?”

  She blinked, completely taken aback and uncertainty flickered across her face. “Is something wrong?”

  He laughed weakly, not meeting her eyes. “No no, nothing’s wrong. Quite the opposite, actually. Oh God, out of all the times I could’ve admitted this to myself, it just had to be today and right at this moment—”

  “Asa.” Carmen’s voice sounded slightly disappointed now, “I’m trying to tell you something important here.”

  He squeezed his eyes shut, wanting to throttle himself. “I know,” he muttered. “And I am honestly so sorry, but I can’t really focus on anything right now.”

  “Oh…” The dejected tone in her voice twisted Asa’s heart painfully, and that was enough to make him push the realisation that he was in love with her to a corner of his mind for now. “It’s just that it, you know, takes too much out of me to speak about her,” she mumbled, her shoulders falling as if the world just dumped all its burdens on her back. “About Mum, I mean.”

  Pushing everything else away and cursing himself mentally, he angled his body towards her and forced himself to focus on what Carmen was saying. “Why?” he asked softly, his thumb drawing circles on the back of her palm that was resting safely in his hand.

  “Because she’s not with us anymore,” she said carefully, as if she was putting much thought into her choice of words.

  The cloud of comfort that’d wrapped around Asa slowly began drifting away as the heaviness began settling in its place.

  “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, but then cleared his throat, wanting to elaborate. “Sorry as in, I wish you didn’t have to go through that. God knows I’d go insane without Ma in my life.”

  She cracked a smile then, the one that reminded Asa of a crack in the glass of a window. The smile that reminded him something broken had the power to illuminate, if allowed.

  And he didn’t truly realise how much strength Carmen West carried in her evergreen soul until that very moment when she was speaking about a bone-crushing loss but wore a smile that lit up the world in all those crushed places.

  And maybe Asa just fell more in love with her for it.

  40.

  Because I Love You

  Carmen tried not to stare too hard while Asa walked towards the bleachers to grab his towel, while she followed right behind.

  But for the love of all that’s holy, she didn’t expect his shoulders to look that much broader now that it wasn’t covered by a shirt.

  Her appreciative eyes couldn’t help but latch on to every single movement of his entire body: the way his back muscles bunched as he reached down to pick up his towel that was hung over one of the seats on the bleachers, and the way his arms flexed as he raised his hands to dry his hair.

  A single droplet of water hanging on to the ends of a lock of his drenched hair slipped off and fell on the back of his neck, before continuing to trail down his back in an excruciatingly slow manner. It took its time as it made its descent, taunting Carmen and tempting her twitching fingers. She eventually reached out and pressed her thumb to his cool and slightly damp skin, wiping away the drop of water like she was smudging the outlines of one of her sketches.

  She felt him tense under her touch, his back going completely rigid before she felt his muscles loosen up slowly and relax once again.

  “I really am sorry, Asa,” she murmured, her thumb drawing circles on his back, the way he’d done just moments ago on the back of her palm.

  “It’s honestly not a big deal, Carmen,” he told her softly. “I keep telling you that.”

  “Yes, but…” She’d felt awful when Isla had snapped at her and tried pushing her away. Knowing that’s how she must have made Asa, of all people, feel wouldn’t stop eating away at her.

  “But?” He turned his head to the side, glancing at her over his shoulder.

  “I guess I just didn’t want to be yet another person who let you down,” she confessed, lifting a shoulder in a partial shrug.

  This time Asa turned around completely to face her, and it didn’t do her lungs and every other organ in her body any favours when he stepped closer, and took her chin in his hands.

  “You could never let me down, Carmen,” he told her seriously, gazing at her with an intensity that was so profound, she felt it pour into her and fill that void in her a little bit. “You only ever keep lifting me up, time and time again.”

  She waited for that void to drain out the emotion that was filling her up and making herself feel less fractured in her core. But the emptiness didn’t come. It didn’t come. And it may have been only a small fraction of that void which had been filled, but it was more whole than she’d ever felt in her seventeen years of existence.

  And if that didn’t speak volumes, she didn’t know what did.

  Asa was smiling at her with something different in his eyes this time; there was more tenderness there, but also comfort. Like the internal struggle she’d seen him go through in the parking lot the other day wasn’t present anymore. As if that war which had been raging on within his soul was finally put to rest.

  They say “eyes are the windows to one’s soul”, and something in Asa’s coffee ones told Carmen that he’d found peace somewhere.

  “Hey.” He tapped her chin as if to shake her out of her thoughts. “Five minutes ’till the bell rings and our spare is over. I’m gonna head towards the lockers to get changed, okay?”

  She nodded, her lips lifting into a small smile. “See you later, then?”

  “Of course.” He grinned, stepping away and grabbing his sports bag from the floor. “You aren’t getting rid of me that easy.” He threw over his shoulder, as he walked away.

  Carmen just smiled and shook her head.

  He wasn’t getting rid of her that easily either.

  •••

  It was lunch period, and Carmen was just stuffing her History textbook in her locker when a huge shadow fell over her.

  She didn’t bother fighting off the smile, recognising the tall frame of Asa almost immediately. Shutting her locker door, she turned around only to have her body freeze and the smile drop from her face when her eyes landed on Hunter instead.

  She’d forgotten how much Hunter resembled Asa in both height and build.

  But the similarities ended right there like a page that was brutally ripped off a book, as if a force had wanted to put an immediate stop right at that particular point.

  Hunter’s ocean blue eyes didn’t hold the warmth that Asa’s coffee-hued ones did. Hunter’s towering height and strong physique overpowered and intimidated, whereas Asa’s exact same build protected and defended instead.

/>   Hunter may easily be considered one of the most attractive boys that walked down this school’s hallways, and even though the same could be said for Asa, the latter had a beautiful soul and that triumphed over any other physical factors.

  Hunter Donoghue didn’t hold a candle to Asa San Román.

  And here was Carmen, related by blood to one and losing her heart to the other.

  “No hi?” Hunter asked, his lips pulling up into a lazy smirk.

  Carmen couldn’t help but recall the way Asa had smirked at her the same way in the swimming complex of the school when he’d caught her blushing at his bare chest. The gesture had been teasing—playful even. But watching Hunter pour malice into it made her realise how one single gesture can radiate different meanings when the people behind them held such contrasting intentions in their hearts.

  “I don’t understand,” Carmen said, pulling her eyebrows together. “You never used to acknowledge me in school. Why now?”

  Hunter cocked his head to the side, not taking that calculating gaze off her or even dropping that nerve-wrecking smirk. “Because,” he drawled, leaning his side on the locker next to hers.

  “Because?”

  Hunter didn’t answer her question and just shrugged in a nonchalant manner as if he could lounge by her locker all day. “So, where’s our resident saviour?”

  “His name is Asa,” Carmen said slowly, the corners of her mouth twisting downwards in distaste.

  “Yes yes,” Hunter murmured. “Your precious little Asa. Tell me, does being with him make you feel better about yourself?”

  Don’t break don’t break don’t break don’t break, Carmen reminded herself. Carmen, don’t you dare break.

  Her mind kept chanting those stupid words in a never-ending loop, as if repeating those words in her head would help keep her feet planted on the ground and stop her knees from buckling underneath her while her carefully constructed world crumbled with the blow of Hunter’s words.

  “Does he know?” Hunter asked, eyes gleaming with the joy of a predator who’d found the prey’s jugular vein, ready to sink its teeth right there. “About you, Carmen? Does he?”