by Ali Merci
But the light-heartedness of the moment faded away as Hunter’s expression darkened and a muscle in his jaw ticked.
“Nothing I’m proud of,” he said quietly, looking away. “He was defending someone I was giving a hard time. I deserved the punch.”
Carmen’s heart sank and her gaze fell to her hands, watching as they drew lazy patterns on the surface of the table. “Listen, Hunter,” she began to say, taking in a deep breath, “I—”
“Your father mentioned Asa calling you last night,” Hunter interrupted, and Carmen tried to ignore the disappointment that washed over her. “Don’t think I’ve ever seen you around with a phone in school before.”
Carmen debated responding to his obvious attempt at changing the subject by either ignoring it or pushing him about the other thing. But they’d only just found some sort of common ground, and she wasn’t about to disrupt that.
Letting out a deep sigh, Carmen settled back into her chair and decided to go along with it. “That’s because I never used to have a cell. Activated it only recently.”
It was the first thing she’d done the night of their date after kissing Asa goodbye on the porch. She headed straight to her room, rummaged around in her closet for the sealed box, tore away the packaging, and pulled out the shiny new phone.
Hunter was about to say something else when Carmen’s phone buzzed and she looked down at the screen to find the pop-up text;
Asa: I’m here ;)
The wink in the text was enough to send up a flare of heat through Carmen, colouring her pale cheeks with a burning sensation only Asa could stir up in her. But then Hunter cleared his throat, and the realisation that it wasn’t just her and her dad in the house hit her with full force and the phone almost slipped from her grasp.
Her father did say Asa was going to drop by. She just didn’t expect for him to arrive at this time of the morning.
“He’s here?” Hunter asked, voice and face free of any emotion as he stared at Carmen.
She nodded uneasily, fingers curling around the device in a tighter grip. “Yeah, um, he’s here…”
“And you’d like me to leave,” Hunter finished for her, a tight smile on his face.
“Don’t do that,” she murmured, looking at him with pleading eyes. “I just don’t think it’s the best idea for the two of you to be under the same roof.”
Hunter didn’t say anything and just shrugged and stood up from his chair, grabbing his empty plate and leaning over to take Carmen’s too. “Well, don’t keep him waiting. I’ll just wash these and be on my merry way. I need to change out of these clothes anyway.”
Carmen mumbled thank you to him as he turned on the tap and then directed her attention towards her phone to reply to the text.
Feel free to let yourself in :D, she texted.
Smiling to herself as she clicked on the Send option, she looked up to see Hunter place the dried plates on the rack the same instant she heard the soft thud of the front door closing.
“Carmen?” Asa’s voice floated to her ears and the sudden overwhelming emotion that came crashing down on her like an avalanche nearly knocked all the breath out of her.
Hearing his voice after what felt like an eternity made her want to cry out of sheer joy. She didn’t understand how he could impact her that way.
Losing her composure, she sprang out of her chair and ran towards the entrance of the kitchen just as Asa stepped into it to check if she was there.
Her chest collided with his painfully, making the both of them stumble until a familiar pair of strong arms went around her waist, steadying her and regaining their balance. Asa chuckled, the sound emerging from somewhere deep in his throat and reverberating through his chest, lighting up yet another spark in Carmen’s being that could never be extinguished.
“I missed you,” she mumbled into his chest, sighing against the soft fabric covering his skin.
“We literally saw each other just yesterday,” he murmured, looking down at her with that same old mischief swimming in his eyes. “Don’t tell me you can’t stay away...” The words died in his throat, his voice trailing off as he looked up and took in the person standing a few feet away, leaning against the sink.
Asa looked like he genuinely believed he was hallucinating, and he remained motionless, with that perplexed look on his face for several seconds before something changed in his expression, as if it was only then that it dawned on him that he wasn’t seeing things, but that Hunter Donoghue was actually standing there, a short distance away from them.
The look of utter shock and disbelief that crossed his face twisted Carmen’s insides, in a manner that made the butterflies in her stomach drop dead rather than take flight.
“Um...” Carmen trailed off, not having any idea where to even begin. “So, Hunter here—”
“—was just about to leave,” Hunter cut in, his blank stare fixed on Asa for a while longer before he tore his eyes away and looked at Carmen instead. “See you around, cuz.”
Carmen bit down on her lip before beginning to pull away from Asa. “Wait,” she called out just as Hunter pushed himself off the sink and started moving towards them. “Let me walk you to the door.”
Before she could move away completely though, Asa’s arms tightened around her and pulled her back into the space she’d just created. “Not necessary,” he mumbled, dropping his mouth down to her ear and placing a soft kiss there. “Hunter can walk himself out, I’m sure.”
“Actually,” Hunter’s voice rang out sharply, causing Asa to raise his head back up and narrow his eyes at him. “Hunter would very much like Carmen to walk him to the door.” His mouth twitched, his cold blue eyes staring down Asa as if daring him to say something.
The minutes passed by in tensed silence, before Carmen regained her composure and shrugged out of Asa’s hold, causing him to look at her with an unreadable expression—which was scary in itself because she was always able to read Asa.
“Just wait here, okay?” She forced a smile onto her face, clasping her hands together. “I’ll just see him out and come back to you.”
Something flashed in Asa’s eyes but it was gone as soon as it had appeared, not sparing Carmen any time to decipher what the emotion was. “Yeah.” He smiled, but it didn’t seem to reach his eyes. “Of course, go ahead. I’m not going anywhere.”
Carmen shot him a small smile and waited for Hunter to walk past them before heading out of the kitchen behind him.
“That was unnecessary,” she muttered under her breath, folding her arms against her stomach.
“True,” Hunter replied casually. “And I don’t really need you to walk me out, so you can head back now.”
Carmen stopped in her tracks and shot him an incredulous look. “Then why did you—”
“I just like sticking it to him whenever I can,” he said, slipping his hands into the pockets of his hoodie and throwing a devil-may-care grin at Carmen over his shoulder.
She sighed exasperatedly and scratched her forehead. “You really can be an ass, you know.”
“I do know that” he threw open the door and stepped out, turning around on the porch to face Carmen, “just not towards you. Not anymore.”
Carmen fought against the smile tugging at her mouth, but it eventually won the battle and crawled across her face with a nostalgic sort of fondness as she shook her head at him.
“Just go, Hunter.” Carmen shoved him lightly, the ghost of a smile still on her face as she closed the door and leant against it for a few breaths.
And then, she started making her way to the one boy whose presence she’d never grow tired of.
52.
Crash and Burn
Inhale. Exhale.
Inhale. Exhale.
Asa tried to get a firm grip of his surroundings, to calm himself down and not let the outrageous situation he had just walked in on get the better of him.
There was an explanation as to why that piece of shit had been there, standing just an arm’s l
ength away, in Carmen’s goddamn house. Asa was sure there was an explanation—there had to be. An explanation that was along the lines of Carmen feeling forced to invite Hunter in, that she had done so against her will, because Asa’s mind couldn’t think of any other possible reason than that.
There was no way the girl he’d surrendered his heart and soul to would open the doors of her home to the one person who’d broken those very parts of Asa time and time again.
“Hey.” Carmen smiled as she walked in through the opening in the wall that led to the kitchen.
Asa swallowed and forced a smile on his face, looking up from where he was sitting on one of the dining chairs. “Hey back.”
“You okay?” she asked cautiously, stepping closer until their knees were brushing and running her hand through his hair.
Asa wasn’t sure how he wanted to answer that. Before, he’d have just admitted what was going on inside his head, not letting anything hold him back when it came to her. But now…
This feeling of uncertainty in their dynamic was new, and it made him falter in his response. But those few seconds of hesitation was all it took to cause a sudden shift in the atmosphere.
Carmen’s smile faltered, and her hand froze in Asa’s hair, fingers pausing in their act of caressing his soft cinnamon-coloured locks.
“Yeah,” he eventually responded, but it was a little too late and the two of them knew it. “I’m—I’m okay.”
Too late. Too late. A few seconds too late.
“Okay,” Carmen murmured, and she tried to smile—she did. Asa could see that.
But he could also see the caution in her eyes. The reluctance there. And that space between them expanded a little more.
“I, uh, I called you last night, but it was your dad who picked up,” Asa said, desperately needing something else to take away the burning need to have his questions answered.
Why was he here, Carmen? But Asa didn’t ask.
“Yeah, Dad told me,” Carmen said, pulling her hand away and seating herself on top of the dining table, letting her legs dangle off the edge.
And despite the unasked questions, despite the unsaid words, despite the underlying tension, Asa’s heart still skipped a beat when Carmen’s kneecaps brushed against one of his arms resting on the tabletop. Ironically, the feeling also left him bitterer towards the whole situation.
Why was he here, Carmen? But Asa didn’t ask. Did he hurt you? Still he didn’t ask.
Asa didn’t ask because he knew he wasn’t going to like the answer. Something had seemed odd about the entire ordeal, and now that he thought about it, he realised what it was that he found so perplexing.
Carmen’s eyes hadn’t been filled to the brim with grief like that day he’d caught her hiding away in the sanctuary of the art room after Hunter had confronted her and left her feeling like a lost cause.
No, when Asa had walked in here and looked into her eyes, he’d found the same old pair of thunderclouds gazing back at him, free from sorrow, free from grief. They hadn’t held the look of a broken heart like they usually did whenever she spoke of Hunter.
And that struck Asa as odd because that was all Hunter Donoghue was capable of inflicting—pain, pain, pain. So even though Asa’s tongue ached with the need to spit out the question; even though his throat felt full with words struggling to be thrown out, he kept his mouth sealed tight.
Why was he here, Carmen? But Asa didn’t ask. Asa didn’t ask because he’d seen Carmen and Hunter interact, and there was no hostility there. And he didn’t want to dwell on what that exactly meant. Not yet.
“Yeah,” he muttered, distracted. “He said you were asleep.”
“Mm-hmm, it...” Carmen hesitated, fidgeting with her hands. “It was a long night.”
Asa’s posture softened, and he pushed anything related to Hunter to the furthest corner of his mind, allowing no room for anything other than pure concern for Carmen.
He pulled his chair closer to the table and leaned in ’till his torso was caged in by both her outstretched legs.
“How’d it go?” he asked softly, lifting a hand and wrapping his palm around the back of her neck, using his thumb to draw circles under her jaw.
Carmen’s shoulders slumped forward and Asa watched exhaustion creep into her eyes, killing the brightness in them bit by bit.
His chest hurt. It physically hurt to watch the light literally drain away from the eyes of the girl he was so hopelessly in love with.
“Not well.” She laughed weakly. “Good news is, that was my last straw. I’m never taking a chance on them again, so that’s one less burden for me, I suppose.”
“You know, you once told me that I’m always bending myself and that if I continued to do so, I’d eventually just snap and break.”
Carmen’s eyes met his and Asa leaned in further, the gesture coming naturally to him. He rested his forehead against hers and circled his other arm around her waist, pulling her forward, closer to the edge of the table—closer to him.
“You keep letting the world rest on your shoulders and it’ll eventually become too heavy for your back, mi amor,” he murmured. “That’s where the bending starts. And then will come the breaking.” He tilted his head and slid his cheek down hers, stopping when his mouth touched her neck and placed a lingering kiss there. “So let it go. All that dead weight, everything that drags you down, just let it go.”
“I don’t think I can,” she said quietly, circling her arms around Asa’s neck and clasping her hands together behind it.
“You can.” He smiled, kissing her neck again. “If you’re strong enough to let the weight of the world in, you’re strong enough to let it out too.”
“You really believe that?” she asked him, tilting her head to the side and pressing her lips in a tight line.
“Yes,” he replied without any hesitation. “That’s one of the things I love so much about you—you’re not the kind who lets the world take away from you, but the kind who gives back instead.”
Carmen offered him a soft smile at that, and Asa’s chest tightened painfully when he saw a spark of brightness flare up in the grey of her irises.
“My fourth grade teacher used to tell us something like that that every single day without fail,” she reminisced, a nostalgic look on her face. “She used to tell us that we shouldn’t allow the world to change our smiles, but let our smiles change the world. Can’t remember whose quote it was.”
“I can’t remember either,” Asa said, trying to search through his memory for a famous name. “But it’s true, you know. Once you learn to let go of all the extra weight, there’s more room for letting in the other things.”
“The other things?” Carmen knitted her brows.
“Yeah.” Asa shrugged. “The little things. The simple things. People too.”
“People?”
“Yeah, Carmen. People. The ones who love you, the ones who genuinely care, the ones who’d bring down the moon to your fingertips just to see your face light up.”
There was a pause, not just in their conversation, but in the air around them. And then a few more beats of silence passed.
Carmen unclasped her hands from around Asa’s neck and leant back, a frown tugging at her mouth. “You think I don’t let people in?” she asked, something unidentifiable flickering in her eyes. Asa wasn’t surprised, though. So much about her was indecipherable to him.
As much as he was certain that she could read him like an open book, he was also certain that she only ever allowed him glimpses of her pages.
“I think,” he began cautiously, “that you don’t let me in. Not the way I let you.”
One of Carmen’s hand wrapped around herself and her other one reached for that chain around her neck, igniting a spark of frustration in Asa’s gut.
“I let you in,” she defended herself. “There’s nobody else that I’ve let this close to me but you. I mean, you literally have the power to crush me if you want to and I wouldn’t hand over that kin
d of emotional power to just anyone, Asa.”
“That’s not letting me in. That’s acknowledging the fact that you’re in love with me,” he pointed out gently, his heartbeats picking up speed as the panic regarding the direction this conversation was heading towards infiltrated his bones.
Asa noticed Carmen’s fingers tighten around the chain resting on her neck, and he clenched his jaw, fighting the urge to yank her hand away and hold onto it with his own, reminding her that she could use him as an anchor instead of the goddamn chain.
But that was Carmen West, always using inanimate objects as her solid ground, as her rock. Whether it was the godforsaken chain, or her art journal. It was always the things without life, without a beating heart that she ran towards.
And Asa was always standing right in front of her with an outstretched arm, waiting and waiting and waiting for her to just reach out and take it in hers. And Carmen was always looking right past it.
“It’s the same thing!” She threw her hands into the air, and jumped down from the table, folding her arms across her stomach defensively.
Asa didn’t understand why she was slipping into a defensive mode. This was the same girl who had never failed to speak with her heart on the tip of her tongue, who had never been afraid to say whatever was on her mind.
But that had been when Asa was falling for her and now that he had, there seemed to be some kind of barricade blocking Asa’s access to every fibre of Carmen’s being. Asa sighed and lowered his head into his hand, a palm running down his face with restrained exasperation.
“No, it isn’t,” he muttered, his words sounding muffled through the gaps between his fingers. “You know it isn’t.”
“What do you want from me, Asa?” she asked, sounding tired all of a sudden.
“You,” he told her softly, removing his hand from his face and looking right at her. “I want you.”
“And you do have me!” Carmen exclaimed, unfolding her arms and moving towards Asa again, kneeling in front of him and taking his hands into hers. “You have me, Asa.”