by Ali Merci
“What does that even mean, Hunter?” she sounded tired and worn out now. “That I have the ability to hurt someone so deeply but it should be okay because it’s coming from me?”
He offered her a small smile. “No. It means that you have a significant place in his life. And now you get to decide what you want to fill that place with.”
Carmen then understood what Hunter was trying to tell her. She had never fought back with him because she always believed he was worth the pain. And in doing so, she let him continue to hurt her. And hurt her. And hurt her.
Until Hunter had decided he didn’t want to just be someone who was worth the pain because if he had that significant a place in Carmen’s heart, then he was also capable of bringing that much joy. And here he was, trying to fill that place with something other than agony and negativity.
And Carmen supposed she had places to fill too—places that she had rendered empty.
Because when it came down to it, Carmen didn’t want to be someone worth the pain when she could be someone who washed it away instead.
And maybe that was what love was.
61.
I Want You To Stay
The stadium was packed with students by the time Carmen and Joyce arrived. Making their way through a sea of people to get to the stands, Carmen’s eyes swept across several faces; some she recognised but most she didn’t. It made sense as this was an away game, and it was the students of the school to which this stadium belonged to that filled most of the seats.
“There they are!” Joyce suddenly shouted, having to raise her voice considerably in order to be heard over the roar of the crowd.
Carmen felt Joyce tug at her hand as she picked up her pace and pulled her along, heading towards one of the stands at the right part of the stadium. She noticed Willa seated there, along with a few other girls from their year that Carmen shared some classes with but didn’t really call friends.
Still, they were better off being seated with students from their own school than amongst the competing teams.
When they were close enough, Willa jumped out of her seat and threw her arms over both Carmen’s and Joyce’s shoulders and pulled them in for a quick hug, yelling in their ears, “Finally! Keeping these seats for you guys wasn’t fun.”
People were still flooding the bleachers though, so they broke the group hug and quickly settled down into their seats so as not to block anyone’s way. Three or five more minutes passed before the already noisy stadium erupted into excited screams and deafening cheers from both schools upon seeing the teams enter the field.
Everyone was on their feet with lightning speed, hollering out either particular players’ names or just their team’s name, proudly showing their support. Despite knowing pretty well how the sport was played, Carmen wouldn’t call herself a huge fan of it, but the enthusiasm pouring out of every other person in the stands was flooding the air and it was hard not to feel the positive energy fill her up, too.
Carmen smiled to herself, sweeping her eyes over the stands, the field, the food stalls. She inhaled the air filled with the smell of popcorn and cheesy fries and even the slight tinge of sweat that coated the hyped-up atmosphere and realised she was actually quite happy right then, in that moment.
The smile on her face didn’t waver, remaining there on the edge of her lips even as they all sat back down while the match started.
•••
As the halftime approached, Carmen turned towards Joyce, about to state that she was thirsty and offer to get something for her too. But Joyce had already turned towards her and was already speaking before Carmen could say anything.
“All this screaming is making my throat hurt! I’m going to get a soda and maybe even a snack or two,” she rose from her seat and looked down at Carmen, “you coming?”
Carmen grinned and stood up, sliding off her shoulder bag to leave it on the seat so it’d be obvious that space was already taken. “I was actually about to ask you the same thing,” she told her friend as she grabbed her purse from the bag, “come on.”
Apparently, a lot of other people had the same idea as them, because it was taking forever for them to descend the steps and head towards the food stalls. When they did manage to push past the crowd however, the sight of the long queue at the cheesy fries stand made Joyce groan with frustration.
“Maybe one of us should get the fries and the other should go to the soda stand,” Carmen suggested. “It’ll take too long otherwise.”
Joyce mumbled something under her breath and gestured for Carmen to leave. “I’ll get the snacks, you get the sodas.”
Nodding her head in agreement, Carmen turned around and began walking towards where she could see soft drinks and bottles of water being sold.
It was only after what felt like hours that Carmen started walking back to the seats with two cans of sodas in each hand, not spotting Joyce anywhere near the food stall and assuming she’d already left once she’d bought the snacks.
She should’ve just kept walking forward, but for one split second, her eyes swept over the crowd once again, and Carmen halted in her steps when her sight fell on a familiar figure standing by the corner of the bleachers, right where the gate to the exit of the stadium was.
Isla hadn’t noticed her though; those electric blue eyes of hers was trained on something in the distance. Curious now, Carmen followed her line of sight, and her eyes landed on the group of cheerleaders on the field who were taking a break themselves now that it was halftime.
Carmen watched as one of the girls chucked a water bottle at another cheerleader, and another member of the cheer squad massage one of the girl’s necks. There was a kind of unity there, the same kind she’d witnessed between players of a football team whenever she’d watched the games with Hunter back during happier times.
Her gaze returned to the familiar stranger by the bleachers.
There was a twist on Isla’s mouth, something between a frustrated scowl and a sad smile. Carmen thought it looked more like sadness than anything else. She was still debating on what to do when a pair of electric blue eyes snapped to her own grey ones.
Carmen froze for a moment, feeling like a deer in headlights and then, uncertainly, she raised one of her hands that was still holding the soda can into the air and waved.
Isla’s face remained unreadable as she visibly hesitated for a brief second, before leaving the stands and walking towards Carmen.
“Hey,” she said easily, a small lift to her cherry-stained lips. It was one of those smiles offered out of courtesy, Carmen could tell. But she returned a genuine one anyway.
“Hi,” Carmen greeted back, the condensation on the cans now making her palms uncomfortable. She tucked them under her arm and rubbed her damp hands against the rough material of her jeans.
“I didn’t peg you for a sports kind of person,” Isla muttered, glancing at the field before looking at Carmen again.
“Just here to show my support.” Carmen smiled. “Won’t say I’m a diehard fan.”
Isla hummed in acknowledgement and looked away again, staring at the field—or maybe nothing in particular.
Carmen’s eyes, however, remained fixed on the girl’s face, finding it hard to recognise her as the same person she met more than half a year ago.
“You’ve gotten a haircut,” Carmen said softly, repeating the very first words she’d spoken to Isla around seven months back. Without really registering what she was doing, Carmen lifted her hand and grazed her fingers across one of the uneven locks that fell just above Isla’s right cheekbone.
Blue eyes flashed to her own ones again.
“What?” Isla blinked, a little startled.
“Your hair.” Carmen gestured with her free hand towards Isla’s shaggy strands. “It’s different now. Did you cut it yourself?”
This time, the smile that Isla offered was genuine, and yet, sadder than when she’d been staring longingly at the cheer team she’d once captained.
�
�You noticed,” Isla mumbled, but it sounded like she was speaking to herself more than she was addressing Carmen.
“You noticed”. Those were the exact words Isla had responded with back then too.
Something nagged at the back of Carmen’s mind—but it was a wisp of smoke, floating around aimlessly, something she couldn’t quite grasp to make sense of right now.
“Yeah.” Carmen shrugged. “Falls around your face differently.”
Recognition flickered in Isla’s eyes; she was recalling their first ever conversation, too.
Isla’s smiled widened the slightest bit. “Makes my cheekbones more prominent?” she joked, repeating Carmen’s comment about her haircut back then.
Carmen let out a short laugh, but didn’t say anything as her eyes roamed over the platinum blonde mane that was cut in uneven lengths, no longer flowing below Isla’s shoulders but stopping just past her pointed chin. It didn’t make Isla’s cheekbones look more prominent, it made Isla look…messy.
“It was nice running into you,” Isla said after a few minutes, breaking the silence that had fallen between them. “I’ll s—” Her eyes fell on what Carmen was wearing, and they flashed with surprise before going back to being impassive.
Carmen looked down at herself, forgetting for a moment what would be so extraordinary about her clothes when she suddenly remembered she was wearing the jersey.
“Past few months have really been about huge changes, huh?” Isla mused, eyes fixed on the lettering of the jersey.
“I guess.” Carmen shrugged, not knowing what else to say. Hunter’s name wasn’t printed on the front, but she had a feeling Isla knew whose number she was wearing anyway.
Isla opened her mouth, raised her eyes to Carmen’s, dropped her gaze back to the Vikings printed on the front of the dark material, then met her eyes once again. “I hope he doesn’t let you down,” Isla finally said, her voice sounding oddly thick with emotion.
Carmen blinked, obviously taken aback. There was probably a thousand things she could’ve said in return. Instead she just smiled softly and said, “I hope so too.”
Isla’s eyes grew glassy, and she tore her gaze away, tilting her head back and looking at the starless sky. Carmen looked up at it, too.
It must have been raining heavily somewhere else, because there was a flash of lightning in the distance. Then they heard the low rumble of thunder.
“You’re a good person, Carmen West.” Isla sighed heavily, a ghost of a smile on her lips.
Carmen’s eyes left the sky and found the side of Isla’s face.
“So are you, Isla Martin.”
Another beat of silence passed, and Isla shook her head before turning to face Carmen. “Let me walk you to the bleachers,” she offered before frowning slightly. “You should’ve gone to get the drinks with a friend or two. It’s not the best idea walking alone in this crowd here. The guys from this school don’t have the best reputation, you know.”
Carmen waved her off. “It’s all right, really. I can—”
“It’s not all right,” Isla said patiently. “You’re wearing the jersey of the opposing team’s captain. Not the smartest idea, Carmen.”
Carmen didn’t argue any further, allowing Isla to escort her back to the bleachers and leave her side only once she’d seen Joyce and Willa seated a few rows above.
•••
There was still a few minutes for halftime to be over, so it was still nearly impossible for Carmen to push her way through the groups of people chatting excitedly in between rows of seats, moving from one corner of the bleachers to the other in order to greet their friends.
Carmen was just a few feet away from reaching Joyce when she got sandwiched between the backs of two students who obviously didn’t care about making room for people to walk through as they remained standing instead of settling in their seats.
Gritting her teeth in frustration, she was about to ask one of them to move when an eerily familiar hand grabbed a hold of hers and pulled her forward, away from the suffocating position she was stuck in.
Carmen didn’t have to look to know who it was; she’d recognise the feel of his calloused palm and firm fingertips wrapping around the skin of her wrist anytime, anywhere.
In any version of an alternate reality, she’d know his touch, his warmth. She’d know the sudden unsteady beats of her heart, the knot in her stomach as if all the butterflies had gathered right in the centre of it. She’d know him.
It felt like another eternity in which she steadied herself and dared to meet his eyes.
And, there they were. Liquidised gold.
Carmen’s heart skipped a beat.
It took copious amounts of willpower to suppress the giddy smile that was threatening to take over her face.
“Um.” She paused. “Thanks.”
Asa’s eyes narrowed the slightest bit. It would’ve been only natural to miss the gesture, but Carmen’s senses were tuned into everything Asa-related right now..
He offered her a curt nod and moved back a few steps, letting her walk past him to where her bag was occupying her seat.
“You definitely took your time,” Joyce said incredulously once Carmen was close enough. “Seriously, I was beginning to think you got lost and was about to come look for you.”
“Nah, just ran into Isla.” Carmen shrugged, handing Joyce one of the fizzy drinks that wasn’t as chilled now as it was when she’d bought it.
Surprise flashed across Joyce’s face, and her mouth made an inaudible “oh” but she didn’t say anything else and Carmen was thankful for it. In the recent months, she’d come to realise that Joyce didn’t really have a narrow-minded perspective, that it wasn’t in her nature to stereotype or generalise people.
Joyce just had a pliable mind, and it was easy for other people’s attitudes to rub off on her. Despite that weakness, she was actually a pretty great person, and Carmen appreciated that.
Popping her own can of soda open, Carmen’s eyes sneaked a glance at the tall frame just an arm’s length away, his mop of cinnamon hair looking almost glossy under all the stadium lights.
“How long has he been here?” Carmen found herself asking Joyce.
“Asa?” Joyce furrowed her eyebrows. “He was already here with Wyatt and Lyra by the time I came back with the fries. They were chatting with Willa and the rest of the girls. I don’t know, maybe they were on the opposite side of the stadium before the halftime and decided to be seated here instead.”
“Makes sense.” Carmen nodded absentmindedly. “The opposite side is filled with a majority of the other school’s students.”
“Right.” Joyce snorted, munching on cheesy fries and rolling her eyes. “That’s why he’s here, because he didn’t like the seating arrangement.”
Carmen paused midway of bringing the can to her lips and frowned at her friend. “He didn’t come from the opposite end of the stadium just to be near me.” Joyce opened her mouth to say something when Carmen cut her off. “I mean, he is the kind of person to do something like that, but he’s not my biggest fan right now, so it just seems unlikely.”
“The heart wants what it wants, Carmen,” Joyce said dramatically before releasing a sigh. “And right now, mine wants more cheesy fries.”
Carmen laughed lightly and shook her head, before gesturing towards the direction of the food stalls. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“Umm…” Joyce kept humming as she scanned the area around them and then stopped as she suddenly noticed something in the distance. “Nope! Seems like Lyra and Wyatt are heading in that direction. I’ll just catch up with them.”
“Sure?”
“Yeah, thanks!” Joyce flashed her a toothy smile and then hurried down the steps to join the other two who were already descending the bleachers.
She didn’t see Asa with them though, which was odd since he’d been chatting with them just minutes ago.
Carmen had barely finished thinking it when she felt a presence near her and
before she could look up, that presence was filling in Joyce’s vacant seat.
Asa seemed comfortable enough seated towards Carmen’s right, his legs outstretched in front of him and fingers tapping away at his phone.
Carmen blinked, forgetting how to breathe for approximately three to five seconds. And then she turned back towards the field where the teams were gathering to resume the game, finally registering in her mind that Asa was indeed sitting beside her.
The game didn’t seem to matter anymore, and Carmen’s fingers kept tracing the rim of the can, her stomach too knotted for her to be able to even drink anything.
“Hey, Asa!” Willa called from Carmen’s left, and Carmen felt Asa turn his face towards her.
She didn’t register Willa’s words—or anything else for that matter—because Asa had shifted in his seat and was now leaning across Carmen to be able to communicate with Willa better.
Carmen’s sight was blessed with a direct view of Asa’s side profile, his slanting cheekbones just a few breaths away from her lips. She watched, with fascination, as his strong jawline twitched and clenched with every word he spoke. There were a few dark strands of hair that’d fallen over his forehead, brushing the tips of his left brow.
He was just a breath away. Just a breath away. And yet, somehow, she was miles apart.
Carmen’s attention snapped back to her surroundings when Asa was beginning to pull away and his face was slipping past her line of sight. Something seemed to catch his attention though, because he suddenly stopped halfway, and when Carmen turned to look at him, she found his eyes fixed on the jersey she was wearing.
A beat passed. Then another.
“Um…” Carmen trailed off awkwardly, clueless as to whether she should say something or not.
“Our school’s team actually has pretty cool jerseys,” Asa commented, pulling his eyes away from the material swallowing Carmen’s small frame. The jersey was almost twice her size.
“Yeah…,” Carmen said distractedly before clearing her throat and speaking in a clearer tone. “Yeah, it does.” There was a pause after that, but it felt more like a breakneck speed than a pause. As if everything had gone still at the suddenness, at the abrupt halt, and was waiting for one of them to give into the overwhelming silence.