by Roxy Reid
“No way! That’s awesome. You could really make a career of that—”
“Actually, I already got a new job,” I cut him off. “I’m going to be the percussion teacher at St. Mary’s starting this September.”
“Oh! That’s great. I didn’t know you wanted …” Duke trails off, as I stretch my quads. “Am I missing something here?”
Just that I’m fucking your best friend, who I want to love me, but who doesn’t love me AND thinks we’re doomed to fail. Also he’s my boss. Temporarily.
“Nope,” I say brightly. “Not missing anything.”
“Ok,” he says, taking me at my word. An uncomplicated man, my brother. “Just so long as you’re happy.”
That catches me off guard. Duke and I don’t normally get mushy. He’s a Wall Street finance bro, and I’m, well, me.
But Wade’s right. Duke loves me with all his heart. And he shows it better than either of our parents ever did.
So I tell him the truth.
“I am happy, Duke. Really, really happy.” I finish stretching, and start walking back home. “You ever been so happy you don’t think it can last?”
“No, but good for you,” he says. “Wait a second? Is this about a guy? Are you in love?”
“I’m trying not to be,” I answer.
“Do you want me to kill him? Or I could get Wade to kill him. He’s closer.” Duke thinks it over. “Although Wade probably wouldn’t beat him up. That’s not his style. But he would cripple someone financially and professionally if we asked him to.”
“I don’t think that would work how you think it will,” I say, laughing at the irony. After a while I add, “Besides. I wouldn’t want you to. He hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s just … not as far gone as me. And I’m scared he’ll never get there.”
“Maybe he will,” Duke says quietly, and I smile, my throat tight.
“Sure. Maybe.”
Duke offers to stay on the phone until I get home—It’s late, there could be muggers—but I’m ready for some peace and quiet. And the days are slowly getting longer. It’s not dark yet.
I hang up and walk home, feeling like I’ve got too many emotions in my skin.
10
Wade
Since Stella canceled, I’m flopped on the couch catching up on work when Duke calls.
I almost let it go to voicemail, because I don’t want to lie to my best friend.
But it’s Duke. If I don’t answer, he’ll just keep calling and calling. And at least he’s catching me when Stella is nowhere around.
“Yo. What’s up?” I ask.
“Have you talked to Stella recently?”
Shit. This conversation is already off to a bad start.
“I see her every day at work,” I say. “Why? Did she say something?” Is there a reason she canceled on me for the first time since we started seeing each other?
“Eh. You know how sisters are. It’s more a vibe.”
“A vibe.” I get up and start to pace. I’ve got too much nervous energy to have this conversation sitting down.
“I think she’s seeing someone.”
I stub my toe on the coffee table. “Oh? Is it serious?” I ask as I hop around, rubbing my toe.
“That’s the thing. I think she wants it to be,” Duke says, and everything in my world slows down. I sink down on the coffee table.
Duke’s still talking. “And this is Stella. She never wants long-term. And now she does.”
“So what’s the problem?” I ask, and I deserve a fucking Oscar for how chill I sound.
“Apparently this fucker doesn’t want something serious. I know she’s a grown up, and it’s none of my business. And I wouldn’t worry about this, except she’s … had kind of a rough go of it. I don’t want her trying to get over all those shitty heartbreak emotions when she’s in a new city, without any support system.”
“She has been going to meetings, if that’s what you’re worried about,” I say. “It took her two tries, but she found a group she likes.”
There’s a beat of silence, and I realize what I just let slip.
“She told you?” Duke exclaims. “About the … alcoholism?”
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” I say, irritated at his tone. “She’s strong and brave and tough.”
“I know that,” Duke says. “I’m just surprised she told you. She’s normally pretty private about it. I didn’t think she’d tell someone she was working for.”
“I mean, she’s not really working for me,” I say. “I mean she is, but she’s your sister, and there’s this other job she’s starting in September …”
“What are you saying?” Duke asks suspiciously.
“Just that we’ve gotten to be friends,” I say.
I realize he knows me well enough that I’m going to have to give him a little more truth, or he’ll be able to tell I’m lying.
“I’ve been kind of lonely out here,” I confess. “People treat me like—”
“Like you’re a disgustingly wealthy genius who is out of touch with the common man?”
“Yes. That,” I laugh. “And you know Stella. She doesn’t do that. It’s been nice to have a real friend.”
I stand up and walk to the window. It’s dark out now. I hope Stella’s done jogging. “Although I sure didn’t expect that friend to be your little sister,” I say.
And isn’t that the understatement of the century.
But Duke seems to believe it, because he laughs and moves on to his next favorite topic: giving me crap about my dating life.
I stick last night’s takeout in the microwave. Which is how I know I put up with three solid minutes of Duke’s mockery before I blurt out, “Actually I’m seeing someone.”
The beep of the microwave punctuates Duke’s stunned silence.
“Really?” He asks. “Is it serious?”
Well, according to you it might be.
I feel the grin spread across my face as I let that sink in for the first time. Stella wants something serious. With me.
“Yeah, man. I think it is.”
“Dude. Is she hot?”
I shovel noodles into my mouth. Duke does not want to know the answer to that one.
“Does she make you happy?”
“Yeah. So fucking happy. It sounds corny, but I literally don’t care what I do when I’m with her. She has me watching romcoms and furniture shopping, and it makes me happy.”
“Duuuuuuude.” Duke sighs heavily. “Another one bites the dust. You’re a fucking goner.”
It’s hard to argue with that.
“Well, when you invite me to the wedding, make sure there’s some hot bridesmaids.”
I choke on my noodles.
Because that’s the logical conclusion of all of this. If Stella and I get serious, and we don’t break up, she will eventually want to get married, because that’s the kind of thing women want, and then Duke’s going to find out I’ve been dating his sister behind his back for years.
I’ve been so focused on how mad Duke would be with me when Stella and I eventually broke it off, I didn’t think through how mad he’ll be if we don’t break up, and he finds out I’ve been lying to him about something as important as Stella.
I have well and truly stepped in it.
But when I think of Stella, I can’t bring myself to regret a single thing.
“So what’s up with you?” I ask, and settle in to listen to Duke’s long rant about various stocks and apps and people he refers to as fucking idiots. I don’t understand a word of it, but it’s fun to listen to him talk, and give each other shit, and pretend I’m not sitting on a big secret that is undoubtedly going to blow up in my face.
“You put the new chair there?” Stella asks on Sunday morning. She’s wearing nothing but my shirt, and surveying my increasingly furnished living room with dismay.
A bunch of the stuff we bought was delivered yesterday, and I spent the day scooting stuff around. Technically Stella saw it all last
night but we were, um, occupied.
I come up behind her and wrap an arm around her stomach, dropping a kiss on the base of her neck. She steals a sip of my coffee.
“Tell you what,” I say. “We can rearrange the furniture if you do it naked.”
“Wade! We literally had sex ten minutes ago.” Stella smacks my arm, and I release her laughing.
“Sometimes nudity isn’t about sex. Sometimes it’s just about appreciating a beautiful woman.” I take my coffee back from her and take a sip, looking at her over the mug.
“A beautiful woman you want to have sex with,” she says, hands on her hips.
I crack a grin. “I have layers, Marigold.”
Something flickers across her face that I can’t read.
“What is it?” I ask.
Stella shakes her head firmly in that way that means I won’t be able to get her to talk about it. “Nothing. Let’s move the furniture.”
So we do. Or rather, I do, while Stella drinks my coffee and directs the proceedings. I almost drop an ottoman on my foot when she catcalls my ass while I’m squatting to pick it up.
God. I can’t get enough of this woman.
If you’d told me a month ago I’d be rearranging furniture I didn’t know I wanted while a pink-haired demon steals all my coffee, I would have run for the hills. But now it’s pretty much my perfect Sunday morning.
Although that could just be the sex talking.
There’s a knock on the door, and Stella disappears to go see who it is.
And then she comes skidding back into the living room like the hounds of hell are on her heels.
“It’s Duke. He’s on your doorstep.”
The knocking gets louder.
“Shit. Ok, it’s fine. I told him we were friends. We’re just friends rearranging furniture. That’s all.”
“I’m wearing your shirt.”
“Ok. This is fine. Go get changed. We’re just friends hanging out.”
“Right,” she nods. “We’ll just tell him I’m helping arrange the furniture since I helped pick it out.”
“Yes–NO! Don’t tell him about the furniture. Or watching romantic comedies together.”
She looks at me suspiciously. “Why?”
“No reason.”
“ANYONE HOME???” Duke calls from the other side of the door.
“Go!” I tell Stella, and she races upstairs to change. I give her as much of a head start as I can, before heading over to open the door.
“Duke!” I say. “What a surprise. What are you doing here at …” I check my watch. “Ten in the morning?”
We slap each other on the back in the manly way of finance bros who used to play football, even though only one of us fits that description, and then Duke strides past me into the living room.
“I had some airline miles, and nothing to do this weekend, so I figured I’d come down and surprise Stella. But she wasn’t at her apartment. I tried calling, but she didn’t answer her phone. She actually rejected my call.”
Oh. That’s whose call I rejected. I wasn’t exactly thinking straight at the time. More like blindly slapping at her phone to try and get it to shut up.
“So I figured I’d visit you!”
“Oh. Well, funny you should think that—”
Stella comes into the room only mildly out of breath, wearing yesterday’s ripped jeans and the black concert t-shirt I stole from her.
Wait, I think. Don’t take that back. I like it.
“Duke!” Stella throws her arms around him. “What are you doing here?” She’s flashing her toothpaste grin, and I wince, sure we’ll be caught now, but apparently Duke hasn’t observed her smiles as closely as I have, because he just hugs her back.
“He’s here to surprise you,” I say meaningfully, making eye contact with Stella over Duke’s shoulder. “But you weren’t at your apartment this morning.”
“Oh! I was at brunch with a friend. And then I stopped here on my way back to … return a book.”
I mouth What the hell? at her, and she makes a face at me, before breaking the hug with Duke.
Luckily, Duke’s attention is elsewhere. “A friend you say. This wouldn’t be the friend we talked about?”
“Oh my God, Duke, don’t be such a dad. Want some coffee?”
“Sure,” Duke says, and follows Stella into the kitchen. I jump in front of them, before Stella accidentally shows off just how well she knows my kitchen.
When we’re all sitting around my new kitchen table with our coffee, making small talk about Duke’s trip, I breathe a sigh of relief. I’m bummed Duke’s stealing Stella for the rest of the day—I barely got to see her yesterday—but it helps that I can tell Stella’s also a little disappointed.
I mean, she hides it from Duke. But I can tell.
I’m trying to mentally telegraph Please come back for dinner, I already miss you to Stella when Duke says, “So Stella, have you met this girl Wade’s in love with?”
I choke on my coffee, and Duke pounds me on the back while Stella watches me with a raised eyebrow.
“We … we don’t need to talk about that,” I say weakly.
“Oh no, I think we do,” Stella says with a wicked gleam in her eye. “Tell me more, Duke.”
I glare at her while Duke leans over the table, excited to have the scoop and an opportunity to make me uncomfortable.
Of course, he has no idea how uncomfortable.
“She’s got him picking out furniture and watching romantic comedies and he likes it,” Duke says.
Stella sips her coffee impassively. “I don’t know, those sound like normal things to like.”
“Not for Wade. He said, and I quote, ‘I’m so fucking happy, I don’t care what I do as long as it’s with her.’”
I can feel my ears turning red. “That’s not exactly what I …” but Stella’s watching me with a look that steals my breath.
“Is that true? She makes you that happy?” Stella asks, so carefully it’s like she’s putting her own heart on the table between us.
I’ve never wanted to take her hand more and I can’t.
Whose idea was all this lying again?
“Yeah,” I say quietly. “She makes me that happy.”
For a moment we just stare at each other. And then her face breaks into a brilliant grin, so radiant I’m sure we’re busted.
Duke makes a gagging sound. “Ok, enough of that. It’s no fun to tease you when you’re not embarrassed. Come on, Stella, let’s go grab lunch. See you around, Wade.”
I follow them to the door. “Yeah, see you around.” I hug Duke goodbye, mostly so I can have an excuse to hug Stella goodbye too.
“Come back for dinner, Marigold,” I say in her ear, and she stills.
As Stella walks off with Duke, she looks back over her shoulder, and smiles.
I hang on to that smile like the fool I am.
11
Stella
Sunday night I drop Duke off at the airport. He’s about to go through security when I launch myself at him, clinging to him the way I used to when I was little and he was leaving for summer camp.
He makes an “ooof” sound and stumbles back a few steps, but then he hugs back, tight. “What’s the matter, kid?”
“Nothing. Everything.” I don’t like lying to you. “Nothing.”
I know Wade and I have been lying this whole time, but somehow Beverly figuring it out and having to lie to Duke’s face have both made it more real.
Wade acts like he cares about me. But he’s ashamed to be the kind of man who dates his employee. And intellectually I know that’s not the same thing as being ashamed of me.
But it feels the same. I want to be patient and chill and live in-the-moment, but Wade’s asking me not to tell the truth to the one person who always talks me off the cliff when I’m having a bad day.
Duke sets me back so he can study my face. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on.”
Duke waits, but
I don’t say anything.
“Right. Advice without knowing what the problem is.” He rubs a hand over his face. “Ok. Listen to your gut, Stella. You’ve always been good at knowing what you need, no matter what anyone else tried to tell you. You know when it’s time to take a risk, or cut ties, or stay and fight. So whatever it is, listen to your gut.”
He chucks me on the chin, the way our dad used to. “You know what to do, kid.”
I nod, my throat tight.
Duke checks his watch. “I’ve got to catch this flight. Are you going to be ok?”
“Yes and always,” I say.
Duke laughs. “Wow. You really have been spending time with Wade. He says that all the time, too.” He kisses my cheek, and heads off to security.
I clench my hand into a fist, then slowly relax it. I didn’t even realize I’d picked that up from Wade.
I check my cell phone. I still have time to make it to Wade’s for dinner.
And the thing is, if he called me right then and there, I’d be over in a flash. If he’d texted me at all today, about anything, I’d be looking forward to it. But he hasn’t called or texted. Because if he did, Duke might have seen Wade’s name flash across the phone.
So Wade didn’t text, and I kept the secret, and now that Duke’s gone I’m left with this emotional cavern around me. It’s not rational. But it’s there.
I slip my phone back into my pocket.
And I don’t go to Wade.
Instead, I walk the near-empty public area of the airport. I grab a greasy burger and fries, and people watch. I watch kids jumping up and down, waiting for Mom or Dad to arrive. I watch an older woman with a horrible perm pick up a woman who looks like her identical twin, complete with an identically horrible perm. I watch a woman in army fatigues greeted by a man who sobs like a baby and kisses her for all he’s worth.
Maybe it’s the years on the road, but I’ve always liked airports. It’s lonely, but it’s a comfortable kind of loneliness. And every now and then you get to see slices of joy. Glimpses of where people are going, where they’ve been.
It helps me remember the world is bigger than me, and that’s calming, in the same way that other people find the vast depths of the ocean calming.