by Riley Ashby
She propped herself up on one elbow and turned toward me. “Yeah, at a time when anything between you two would have been super problematic, not to mention illegal. You’re an adult now, not a teenager hiding from your brother’s RA. You do have some say in your own life. Isn’t that what you’ve been telling us all these weeks?”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “It feels like telling my dad that I’m hooking up with my stepbrother.”
She laughed. “That’s kind of hot, actually.”
“Oh, shut up.” I grabbed my towel and threw it at her, then sat up to take a drink of water. I thought about what she said. Ellery was with someone much younger than him. The age gap between Cas and me didn’t seem nearly so bad in comparison and especially not as adults. I guess I could throw that in his face if he gave me a hard time.
“So you are hooking up?”
I blushed and took another drink of water to buy myself some time to think of a response. It was strange to think about wanting a man’s hands on me when they had brought me nothing but pain and anguish for so long. But I knew every callus on Cas’s fingers, and the exact pressure he exerted when he held me still at night.
“I’m thinking of trying some things.”
I prepared for a barrage of questions or maybe some screaming, but when I looked over, she was smiling silently.
“What?”
“That’s awesome, Vail. I’m really happy for you. It’s a big step.”
I shrugged as the heat rose to my cheeks. “It’s not a big deal.”
“Yes, it is, and you know it. But I can tell you’re embarrassed, so I’m not going to push you anymore. Besides, Ellery’s on his way over here.”
I whirled around to see my brother walking across the lawn toward us. Sophie trailed him, ambling more slowly beside Luke. The old dog still had enough pep that he could exhibit a burst of energy for Leo’s and Max’s sakes, but in general, he preferred a more leisurely pace. Sophie was wearing a loose dress that flared around her waist, hiding her tiny baby bump. She was so small that it was easy to notice her growing belly even though she was still pretty early in her pregnancy.
“What brings you to my section of the lawn?” I asked as they approached, throwing my towel over my shoulders and pulling on my sunglasses.
“Your section?” Ellery asked with a hitch of his lips. “I was under the impression that I paid the mortgage for this entire property.”
“Oh, don’t rub it in my face. I’m looking for a job.”
His face fell. “You are?”
Oops. “Well, thinking about it. I’m looking at some open positions in the area.”
Ellery looked like he wanted to argue with me. He thought it was too soon for me to return to work, which was precisely why I hadn’t said anything. I should have kept my mouth shut, but it kind of slipped out. Sophie stepped forward before he could speak.
“That’s a great first step. There should be at least one working woman living in this house.”
I didn’t know if it was her intention to make him angry with her instead of me, but it worked. He turned his attention to her immediately. “There’s no need for you to work right now. You’ve worked too hard for too long. Right now, you’re in charge of taking care of yourself and our daughter.”
“I know, darling.” She rose on her toes to kiss him on the cheek. “I’m just giving you a hard time.”
When Tori made a gagging sound next to me, Sophie stuck her tongue out and made a face. “I liked you better when you were the polite administrative assistant.”
She scoffed. “No, you didn’t.”
Sophie grinned. “You’re right. I didn’t.” She slipped her hand into my brother’s palm, and he pulled her closer without a second thought, pressing her against him despite the heat of the sun beating down on us.
Watching Sophie and Ellery together always gave me a strange twisting in my gut. I was envious of their easy familiarity with each other; the way he would reach out to place his hand on the small of her back or brush a stray strand of her hair from her face without causing her to flinch. I’d been so worried that she would suffer long-term trauma from her time with Chase, short as it was. The prospect of someone else enduring even a fraction of what I did—and to save me, nonetheless—wracked me with guilt for weeks. But every day, I caught them together in moments when they thought they were alone. He would sneak up behind her and place a hand on her stomach as she examined the books in the library. She never jumped and never looked frightened. Her face would break into a wide grin, and she would turn to catch his lips in a kiss. They were so easy with each other, so in tune with the other’s needs and feelings. After knowing each other only a few months, they’d already established the kind of connection that could take others years to forge. The kind of connection I had with Cas before he went away. Before I was taken.
Was it possible to get back that kind of intimacy? I hoped so. But at the same time, I didn’t want the same kind of relationship that we’d had up until now. Before, we had always been adjacent rather than together. I wanted to be able to hold his hand, not just in the presence of others but also with the knowledge that I wouldn’t suddenly shy away from his touch and lock myself away. I wanted to be close to him without worrying about setting off someone else’s alarm bells or my own. Part of the problem was that I didn’t know most of my own triggers. Would something set me off and send me so deep into my own mind that I wouldn’t be able to find my way back? I didn’t want to find out.
But I wanted his hands on me even more.
He didn’t come to me directly for a few days. He wanted to keep my brother from getting too suspicious, and I couldn’t blame him. The last thing I wanted was Ellery breathing down our necks. Nor did it feel right to announce our relationship—if that was what it was—to the world just yet. But he still showed up every evening when I went to bed, sometimes earlier. We would sit and chat while I drank the tea I relied on to help me relax enough to sleep. Some nights, I was afraid to turn out all the lights. But when I woke up screaming or crying or both, he was always the one shaking me back into the real world and freeing me from the memories.
He’d ask me if I wanted to talk, and every time, I said no. I’d been encouraged by everyone around me to visit a counselor, but I resisted. I wore the shame of bringing up what had happened to me. How did you sit in front of someone and tell them about the horrific things that had been done to you? The unspeakable crimes for which the perpetrator was now going to jail for?
You didn’t.
You couldn’t say those things out loud. Giving voice to those memories was like living them over and over again, not just in your mind but out in the real world as well. Suddenly, someone else knew about what was done to you. The most basic violation that existed—the rights to my own body being stolen. If I couldn’t say that out loud to a stranger, someone trained in all the right things to say, how could I possibly tell that to the man I had cared for, for so many years? I didn’t want him to think about those things any more than I wanted to think about them.
Castel didn’t push me to speak them out loud. He seemed to understand the reason for my hesitancy better than anyone else, even Tori. He would talk to me until I calmed down and knew where I was again. Once my tears were dry, he would crawl under the covers next to me and run his fingertips up and down my arm until I dozed off once more. Every morning when I woke up, he was gone. Until the one day he wasn’t.
He was shaking my shoulder gently, and I blinked open into this his sea-green eyes.
“Wake up,” he said, shaking me a little harder. “We have a full day.”
“What?” I looked at the clock. It was almost an hour earlier than I usually woke up. “Why couldn’t you tell me last night so I could go to sleep earlier?”
“I didn’t want you to go to sleep,” he said, looking embarrassed. I pushed my face into the pillow to hide my smile. I had gone almost overnight from pushy and forceful to shy and maidenlike as if I were b
eing asked out on my first date.
“Where are we going?” I asked when I was finally out of bed and dressed. He put my hand in the crook of his elbow and led me across the lawn to the driveway where his personal car was parked. I smiled at the unassuming sedan, a contrast to Ellery’s luxury cars meant to show off his wealth to everyone else on the street. No one would be craning their necks, hoping to spot a celebrity, as I got out of this car.
“Breakfast first. I found this place a few weeks ago and thought you would enjoy it. Now seems as good a time as any to introduce you to it.” He held the car door open for me, ever the gentleman. No one at the main house would think twice if they saw us like this. He had always been infallibly chivalrous with me.
It was a bit of a drive into the city, but he was right about the restaurant. It was a small European bistro with menu items from a variety of regions around the world. I ordered authentic huevos rancheros with a glass of cold horchata—a strange pairing for breakfast, but I couldn’t shake the craving. Our conversation was easy, and we took our time eating. We were back to a time when things were easier but also the same because we had always been easy and comfortable with each other. But different because we had kissed now under the strangest circumstances. Different because he had touched me just wrong, and for one horrible second, I had been not with him but with Chase all over again. An undercurrent of both fear and desire punctuated every conversation topic, every wayward glance, and every time he touched my hand. But I wound my fingers through his across the table and gave him my widest smile. Every inch felt right. Being with him felt right.
For a while, I was able to forget about the past few weeks even though I didn’t think it would ever be possible. I was able to walk confidently through a group of strangers, knowing I was safe when I was with him. I didn’t flinch when pedestrians brushed against me in their rush down the street. Castel talked endlessly, spouting trivia about the buildings we passed or telling me anecdotes about his FBI training. I had so little knowledge about those years he had been away. I had never pressed him for more details because I didn’t want to know about his life out East. I didn’t want to know if he had any reason to go back. I wanted him to focus on here, on me, and decide to come back on his own.
When we finished breakfast, we did the most touristy thing and went to the La Brea Tar Pits. It was a weekday, so most of our companions were school children making jokes about drowning in the pits.
Despite all my years of living in LA, it was a place I had never visited. It really was remarkable; this place of such historical significance stuck in the middle of downtown next to a parking garage. We saw the bones of animals I thought only existed in fantasy TV shows and stood next to vats of deadly tar that had existed for thousands of years. They would continue to stand long after the humans were gone, heedless of our existence or meddling in their territory. I thought about how easy it would have been for unsuspecting animals to stumble into the pits, sitting out here in the open. I’d had no idea that such a treasure trove of history existed right under my nose.
“Okay, now for the big surprise,” he said, taking my hand and nearly dragging me back to the car.
I couldn’t help but laugh at how excited he was. “Where are we going now?”
He smiled. “You’ll see.”
*
I started crying the second he took me into the puppy room.
When we pulled into the parking lot for the animal shelter, I had started bouncing excitedly. I thought we were probably just going to play with some cats or walk some lonely dogs. But then he had pointed at the wall that showed pictures of all the dogs that had been adopted that day and their new owners.
“You’re going up there today,” he told me.
It took a few minutes for me to calm down, but once I did, we took a tour around the room to look at all the squirming puppies. Some were asleep, worn out just from existing while others jumped at us through their cages, begging for attention.
It was a sweet female golden retriever curled up in the corner of one cage that caught my eye. She had tucked herself into a tiny ball, but her alert eyes followed us around the room. Her brothers leaped at the cage door, yipping, but she remained silent. I crouched to her level, smiling.
“Hi, beautiful.”
Her tail started thumping, and I knew she was the one.
Castel’s hand landed softly on my back. “What’s her name?”
I smiled as a volunteer reached inside, pulling her free and placing her in my arms. She came alive at once, squirming and whining, tail lashing against my arms as she wriggled wildly.
“Bella,” I whispered, and she licked my nose.
*
“I am not okay with this development.”
Ellery was staring at the house’s now four dogs running in circles on the lawn. The older German Shepherds had taken to Bella after some cautious sniffing and a couple of nips to let her know who was in charge. She rolled on her belly immediately in submission, and they were now instructing her in proper tennis ball stalking techniques. She wasn’t very good at it, but they were patient teachers.
“I am not running a dog rescue. You could have at least asked me before bringing another one home.”
“But you like dogs. And we have plenty of room!” I gestured around at the expansive lawn.
“The first two were for protection. And the third was only because I was trying to impress that one.” He jerked a thumb at Sophie, who beamed at him. “But a fourth? And a puppy at that?”
Sophie linked her arm through his. “Look how happy the others are. They love her!”
He groaned as Bella ran back over to us with the older dogs in her wake. I reached down to scoop her into my arms and nuzzle her belly.
“You can’t deny your sister this, Ellery. She literally cried at the shelter.” Cas was smiling as he leaned down over Bella, his head bumping mine.
I blushed. “Did not.”
Castel chucked my chin playfully. “Plus, think of how much safer she’ll feel with her own guard dog at the cottage.”
I thought that would sway my brother, but he only frowned deeper. “I thought I was already paying you and Tori for that.”
“You’re not paying me anything.”
“Ah, yes. I remember.”
“But now that you mention it…”
“Forget it.” Ellery threw up his hands in defeat. “Keep the dog. But do not let it pee in my house.”
“I promise, brother dearest.” I held Bella up to his eye level, and she promptly licked his nose. He stood still with eyes closed and nose wrinkled, accepting her kisses as the rest of us laughed.
He was twenty-eight the first time we went to bed together.
Bella was asleep in her crate downstairs, completely worn out from playing with the older dogs. She had whimpered a bit when we first went upstairs, and it took everything in me not to let her sleep in the bed with me.
“Trust me,” Castel said. “You’ll be glad when she can sleep on her own. We have to instill some discipline early on.”
“But listen to her! She’s just a baby.” I widened my eyes as far as I could, sticking out my lower lip in a pout.
No dice.
He wrapped his arms around the waist, pulling me back onto the mattress. “You have someone else in your bed right now who wants some attention.”
I giggled even as my stomach clench in a strange mixture of fear and anticipation. So tonight was the night he would come to me first instead of waiting for me to ask for him. His hands stayed still, just holding me. I shifted, letting his touch drift over my hips.
“What are you thinking?” he asked, nuzzling my neck.
I played with the collar of his shirt. “How nice you feel.”
He let his hands press a little firmer against my back. “You feel good, too.”
I dragged my hands down his front, running my fingers over the ridges of muscles I had fantasized about for years. My tummy was doing somersaults as I ran th
rough a million scenarios in my head. Tell him to leave? Fall asleep alone like I normally did? Let him fall asleep with me for once rather than wait for him to wake me up?
Ask him to stay?
Running my finger down the valley of his chest between his pecs, I tried to make a deal with myself. It was just a T-shirt. I had seen him without it before. Just the shirt would be okay.
I pulled at the hem of his T-shirt, and he wasted no time sitting up and removing it. I braced myself for him to reach for me and tug at my clothes, but he fell back beside me and resumed his hold on my waist. I touched his bare skin gingerly.
“I dreamed about you like this,” I whispered.
“You’ve seen me shirtless a hundred times.”
“Not like this.” I leaned forward and put my lips against that small ridge between his pecs. His heartbeat sped beneath my lips.
When his palm landed on my butt, I pushed back into his hand. It felt so good to let him touch me like that, so good to press up against him and feel his fingertips press into me. In the midst of my fear, I felt the tingling between my legs, dampness wetting my thighs.
“I like touching you,” he said, his hand roaming more and more boldly. “Is that okay?”
I nodded, pushing away the hesitation gnawing at the back of my mind, then reached out with my tongue to lick him. He shuddered.
“You can touch me more.”
He paused, then let his hand slide under my shirt. He wasn’t trying to take off my clothes, just going around them, and I loved him for that. I hated him for not going further.
“Touch me there,” I said, thrusting my hips forward and grinding against his erection. He groaned and returned the pressure.
“Are you sure?”
I hesitated only a moment, then nodded. “Please.”
He pulled at my shorts, pulling apart the zipper and pushing them over my ass. I kicked them across the room, laughing to cover up my insecurity when they got stuck on my foot. I didn’t want him to look at me.