by Lisa Edmonds
Carly laughed. “My scones tend to have that effect on people. It’s a family recipe and we’re very proud of it.” She sipped her tea and studied me. “Your heart seems light, despite everything that’s come your way this week. What good news do you have to share?”
I told her about our decision to put in an offer on a house. She got up to give me a hug. “That’s wonderful news,” she told me, reseating herself. “I’m so happy for you both. You complement each other so well. I’m very glad you called this morning. I’ve been worrying about you all week.”
“That danger you saw Sean and me facing...we encountered it Tuesday night.” I touched the amulet around my neck. “Thank you for this. It probably saved my life.”
“It has saved yours. Soon it will have to save his.”
My stomach dropped. “Save Sean? From what?”
She shook her head. “I’ve seen trees and broken earth and a gray man made of fire, but I can’t see the danger Sean will face. There are too many forces at play and the way is not clear.”
I had a feeling who the gray man made of fire was in Carly’s visions: Moses. “Then I’m doubly glad for the amulets,” I told her.
In the five years since I’d escaped the cabal, I’d always imagined that if I ever faced my grandfather, I would do it alone. I hadn’t ever wanted anyone to endanger themselves on my behalf, not even—or perhaps especially—against Moses. I thought of him as my responsibility, my problem that needed fixing. But now I was part of a we and Moses wasn’t just my problem anymore.
Ben had told me being part of a pack meant I would never face anything alone, and once I believed that it would give me more strength than I could imagine. And yet, thinking about the risk Sean and Malcolm were taking made me sick to my stomach instead of giving me reason to hope.
Last night, before we went to Charles’s house, I’d tried to talk Sean out of coming with me in the attack, but he’d simply reminded me that when and where to fight was his choice to make and I’d promised to remember that.
When I’d suggested to Malcolm that he stay behind, safe behind my house wards, he gave me the finger and that was the end of that discussion.
Carly tilted her head. “Your magic feels different, more fierce. This danger you faced on Tuesday revealed something new and important.”
“Yes.” I glanced at the people sitting near us. “They can’t hear us, right?”
“Not at all.” She turned to face the room. “Hey!” she called. No one reacted. She turned back to me and winked. “My Hush and Look Away spells. This booth is warded against eavesdropping. The other spell encourages onlookers to ignore us.”
Between sips of coffee and bites of scone, I told Carly about Caleb’s attack and my encounter with my wolf.
When I finished the story, the witch was quiet. Finally, she folded her hands on the table. “I told you I’m an empath, though I’m not sure I’d have to be to sense all of the conflict, guilt, and anger you carry.”
“You can say that again,” Malcolm said. “She’s like one of those boiling sulphur pots in Yellowstone.”
“Hey,” I protested.
“That’s not a bad analogy for how your emotions feel to us,” Carly said as I scowled. “Even now, with your happiness about your decision to make a home with Sean, the darkness is still there—it’s just buried a little deeper than before. You will have to face that darkness, and soon. I believe your anger, guilt, and pain will be the cause of Sean’s impending brush with death. Worse, if you don’t find a way to reconcile your three selves—the woman you pretend to be, the woman you were, and the woman you truly are—you will bring great suffering on everyone who loves you.”
I sat back in the booth, too stunned to speak.
Malcolm’s anger sizzled on my skin. “Did you see all that in your crystal ball?” he asked.
“Not in a crystal ball, but I have seen it.” She turned back to me. “I don’t think I’m telling you anything you don’t already know. All those forces I mentioned are converging on you as we speak, but you’re fragmented, not whole. If you come face-to-face with the gray man now, you’ll fight him and lose.”
This was not the prediction I wanted to hear, not when I might be helping lead a coordinated attack on him. “How do I go about reconciling with myself? Er, my selves?”
“Well, that’s a very complicated question.” She settled back in her seat and crossed her legs. “Many books have been written on the topic. Most suggest a combination of therapy, meditation, and self-reflection.”
I frowned. “That sounds like it would take a long time. What have you got that I can do in about forty-eight hours?”
She laughed. “You’re used to magic. There’s no spell for healing yourself when it comes to your psyche. I don’t have any magic words for that and neither does anybody else. It takes a lot of time and work.”
I didn’t have a hell of a lot of time, but I wasn’t afraid of hard work. “Tell me what I need to do, then.”
“I counsel people to begin by setting their intention. Create a vision of the life you want and the person you want to be. Fix that image in your mind and let it guide you.”
“That sounds doable.” Magic worked in a similar way: an intention combined with spellwork and power.
“You’ve already created a support system and surrounded yourself with people who accept you and believe in you. Listen to them and lean on them when you need to.”
Malcolm cleared his throat loudly. I rolled my eyes.
Carly smiled. “She’s not very good about that, I know,” she told the ghost.
“She’s getting better at it,” he admitted. “She’s still stubborn and a total control freak, but she’s had a lot of personal growth this past month or so.”
“Still sitting right here,” I interjected, somewhat irritably.
“You also already do good things for others, though it’s often at great risk to yourself,” Carly continued. “Nurture yourself, celebrate everything that’s good about yourself, be kind to yourself when you make errors, and quiet the voice within that insists you are unworthy of having friends and loving someone who loves you unconditionally.”
Malcolm didn’t say anything to that, though I sensed his disquiet. Our conversation the night of Caleb’s attack had centered on my belief that I was unworthy of Sean’s love and acceptance. Of everything Carly had said so far, silencing that voice was going to be hardest.
Carly leaned forward and folded her hands on the table, her expression grave. “Most important and most difficult of all, you must forgive yourself. You are not a monster. No one who cares about you sees you as one, but your image of yourself is what keeps you from healing and becoming whole. If you want a place to start, start there.”
I knew better than to ask Malcolm if he’d told her about our conversation and how I’d referred to myself as a monster. Until this moment, I’d had no idea my image of myself was so obvious to others. Malcolm and Sean had been around me for months, but Carly had only spent a few hours with me and she already saw it.
Several small groups came into the coffee shop at once and a line formed at the counter. Carly slid from the booth. “My other morning shift employee called in sick. Let me help Katy for a few minutes and then I’ll be back. I’ll refill your coffee while I’m there.” She took my cup and hurried to the counter.
“Hey, you okay?” Malcolm asked. “That was rough. She didn’t pull any punches.”
I rubbed my face. “Yeah, but it’s all true, and I’ve heard most of it from you and Sean already.”
“It’s easy to help others. The hardest person to help is yourself.” I felt a little surge of comfort from Malcolm. “And the hardest person to forgive is yourself. That’s true of everyone, I think, though maybe it goes double for people like us.”
“Have you forgiven yourself?” I asked. When he didn’t answer right away, I regretted asking. “I’m sorry. That’s a really personal question and it’s none of my business.”
“No, it’s okay for you to ask. I actually think it is your business, since we’re friends, or siblings, or whatever.” His voice had a hint of humor. “I’m working on it. Intellectually I know I didn’t do those things by choice, but that’s not much comfort sometimes. I will say I’m closer to making peace with my past and myself today than I was a month ago, or a month before that. It’s getting better, thanks to you and Sean. I think we’re all three healing together. You’ve got the farthest to go, but I meant what I said to Carly—you’ve come a long way since the day I met you.”
“So everyone tells me. I think I’m a long, long way from being able to forgive myself, though, or from being able to hush that voice in my head.”
“You’re a work in progress, just like the rest of us. The important thing is not to give up or let setbacks derail you. You’ll get there; I have faith in you.”
“At least one of us does,” I muttered.
Something thumped me lightly on the back of my head. “Hey,” I protested. “How much energy did you use just to smack me?”
“Didn’t Carly just tell you to listen to your support system?”
“Damn it. Yes.”
“So listen. Oh, and when were you going to tell me about the whole meeting-your-wolf thing?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t think to tell you.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m still trying to make sense of it myself.”
“Well, you thought you might have shifter blood, so this more or less clinches it, right? You’re part wolf. That is so cool.”
“Aroo,” I said wryly.
“I wonder if Sean’s wolf sensed it and that’s one of the reasons he was drawn to you,” Malcolm mused. “Or maybe it was your general badass-ness and the wolf thing is just a bonus.”
Up at the counter, the line was gone. Carly refilled my coffee, topped it off with half-and-half and some raw sugar, and put the lid back on. She headed our way again with a teapot in one hand and my coffee in the other.
She set the teapot on the table and handed over my coffee as she sat. “I hope I made it how you like it.”
“It looked like you did. Thank you.”
She poured more tea into her mug and set the pot down. “Now, you can take my advice and do with it what you will. Earlier on the phone you said you would like my help with something.”
I set my coffee on the table and studied her. “Before I get to that, I need to ask you a question about your assistant—the girl with the pink hair, pentacle necklace, and Triple Goddess tattoo on her right forearm.”
Carly’s face fell. “What about her?”
“Her nametag says Katy. That wouldn’t be short for Katrina, by any chance, would it?”
She took a deep breath and exhaled. “Yes, it is.”
I watched Katy as she handed a customer a cup of coffee with a smile and then turned to make another order. “So not only did you know her—you sign her paychecks. Is she in your coven?”
She nodded. “I apologize for not telling you the whole truth on Monday after I broke the hex. When I saw the poppet, I knew who made it.”
Angry words burned on my tongue. With effort, I held them back. “Why not tell us?” I asked instead, my voice tight.
“Two reasons. I wanted to know why she’d done it first. I came directly here from your house and confronted her. She told me Lily said an evil mage named Alice had stolen her fiancé with magic and she needed help to break up your relationship and get him back.” Carly rubbed her temples. “Lily was a very convincing actress. She even cried. Katy thought she was doing the right thing. As her High Priestess, I made it very, very clear that nothing about what she did was the right thing. Witches in my coven don’t do spells that steal someone’s free will. She broke both our Rede to harm none and the Threefold Law, and she knows there are consequences for both—from me and the universe.”
When I didn’t respond, Malcolm asked, “And the second reason you didn’t tell us the truth?” He sounded a little angry too.
Carly winced at the question. “When I told Katy what really happened—including that you almost died because Lily said your name too any times—and that Sean is the alpha of a werewolf pack, she begged me not to tell either of you who she was. She’s scared someone from the pack might want revenge. Not Sean, but someone more…hotheaded.” She leaned forward, her arms on the table. “Alice, I’m sorry I didn’t feel like I could tell you. She made a grave error in judgment and I’ll make sure she learns from it. I made what I thought was the best choice, given the circumstances. I hope you can understand and keep this between us. If you choose to tell Sean, please make sure he understands why Katy is afraid.”
I tried to set aside my anger about the hex that had nearly killed me—no small task—and look at the situation from Katy’s point of view. She looked to be seventeen or eighteen at the most, and despite the pink hair and tattoos, she seemed shy and introverted. I could see how she’d fallen for Lily’s lies. I was eighteen once, and I’d made mistakes too.
“I’m not likely to forgive her, not anytime soon,” I said finally. “Or forget that you held important information back from us. I can understand why you both did what you did, though. I am going to tell Sean, but I’ll make sure it stays between us.”
“Understanding is all I can ask for. Maybe forgiveness will come down the road.” She topped off her tea. “Now, what is it you need my help with?”
I explained my proposed plan to participate in an attack with others on a mutual enemy. I left out Moses’s and Bell’s names, of course, and didn’t reveal I had a personal stake in the operation. She listened quietly and drank her tea.
“So here’s why I called and asked to meet,” I said finally. “I can break the building’s wards, but it will take most of my power to do it and I’ll be vulnerable afterward. Despite a contract—assuming we can come to an agreement on the particulars—my so-called allies are just as likely to stab me in the back as they are to fight with me. The only people I know I can trust in this situation are Sean and Malcolm.” I took a deep breath and spoke three words that didn’t often pass my lips. “I need help.”
“Protection?”
I nodded.
“Defense?”
I nodded again.
She tapped her finger on her cup. “There are a lot of possibilities. What are your goals in this attack?”
I ticked them off on my fingers. “Keep Sean and Malcolm safe. Break the wards. Take out the primary target and those with him. Then come back, reconcile my three selves, and buy a house in the country where my dog—and my wolf—can chase rabbits to their hearts’ content.”
She studied me. “Do you intend to take out the primary target and the others yourself?”
There were few things in the world I wanted more than to do that, but the bitter truth was that breaking the wards—the price of securing the nulls’ release by Bell—would take most of my magic. Facing Moses with only a fraction of my normal power would be suicidal. I would have to settle for making it possible for someone else to take him out. The important thing was to kill him, not for me to do it myself, as much as I wanted to.
Since divulging any of that would reveal my personal connection to our operation, I simply shook my head. “No, that will be someone else’s job. I can’t predict what will happen once we break the wards, though, or who or what I might face before it’s all over. Even if I don’t go looking for the big guns, one of them might find me.”
“Hang on a second.” Carly went to the counter and came back with a notepad. “Tell me what you know about where you’re going and who will be there.”
“I don’t know the exact location yet, but it will be a fairly sizable building with very stout wards full of landmines, cascades, and other surprises. As for who will be there, let’s assume some high-level mages of various sorts, including fire, air, and blood, and plenty of mundane firepower.” I exhaled. “Lots of wards in the building and people capable of throwing big magic around. It’s going
to be a hell of a firefight.” And I’d have to spend a lot of it on the sidelines, just trying to stay alive and keep Malcolm and Sean safe.
She finished writing. “Let’s start with you. You said you can break the wards and doing so will leave you drained. What if I could help you break the wards?”
I blinked at her. “You’re kidding.”
She smiled. “I’m not saying I can do it all myself, but I think I can help, and maybe you won’t have to use all your power in the first minute.” She leaned forward and her voice dropped, despite the Hush spell hiding our conversation. “You remember when I gave you and Sean your amulets? Did you wonder how you were able to break a stone so easily?”
“I felt a little bit of magic,” I recalled. “Was the stone spelled to break?”
“Yes.” She tapped the notepad with her pen. “A similar spell with a lot more power behind it could really pack a punch. The challenge is that these wards are not my kind of magic. However, there are spells that disrupt your kind of magic. The problem is, I won’t know exactly what those wards are made of. I’ll have to guess, which means the result will be unpredictable. Best case, I can break them or at least disrupt them enough to make it easier for you to break them. Worst case, my spells fizzle and you end up doing all the heavy lifting yourself.”
“I can probably give you some insight into what the wards are made of,” I said. “The kinds of mage wards used to protect buildings are fairly consistent. We can make an educated guess.”
“Excellent.” She pondered her page of notes. “I need to think about this. You said the attack will occur tomorrow night?”
“That’s the current plan, as I understand it. I know that doesn’t give us much time. I’ll know more after tonight, once we reach an agreement and work out the details.” Or at least that was what I was hoping. “We need to work out payment for this. I have a good idea of what things like this would cost if you were a mage or a group of mages. I’m assuming it’s similar for witches.”
“We’ll figure it out once I come up with a plan for how to help you. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” She squeezed my hand as we got up from the booth and headed to the counter.