“I know you do.”
The bell above the door rang, and Noel made to stand.
“It’s okay, pup. I got this one.”
Lincoln grabbed a menu from the holder on the counter and approached the young man and woman standing at the door, but Noel was up and rushing for the new arrival with his arms out.
“Hey, Aiden!”
The guy, presumably Aiden, turned and smiled at Noel. “Hey, how are you?”
“Good.” Noel hugged his friend tight, then turned to face Lincoln. “This is Aiden. We used to go to school together.” He gestured to the woman. “And this fine, upstanding woman is his sister, Olivia.”
Aiden chuckled. “Boy, that feels like a lifetime ago.” He glanced at his sister. “I’m not sure about how upstanding she is.”
“Hey!” She grinned. “Okay, maybe he’s right.”
I took a moment to look at Aiden as he shook hands with Lincoln. He was probably Noel’s age, midtwenties, with soft white-blond hair and eyes so blue and shiny, I was reminded of aquamarine. It didn’t escape my notice how short Aiden was. He couldn’t have been more than five foot or so. Even Noel towered over him. The thing I noticed most, though, was the hitch in his step. I wasn’t sure what the cause was, but I noticed he leaned on things quite often.
Olivia put her hand on his back. “We should sit down.”
Aiden rolled his eyes so loud, even I could hear it. “I’m fine. Stop mothering me.”
“Oh, wait. I want to introduce you to my friend.” Noel took Aiden’s hand and directed him toward me. “Aiden, Olivia, this is Tom Kotke.”
“Kotke?” Olivia leaned in closer, squinting as though she was trying to find something in my face. “Are you related to Robert Kotke from the shelter?”
“I am. He’s my brother, but don’t go spreading that around.”
“Oh my God! What a small world. I used to be Galen’s assistant at Primal.”
“Yes, he’s mentioned you and the work you did on the website that brought Primal to its knees. Nice job.”
Her cheeks pinked. “It was Galen’s idea, but I’m glad he let me be part of it.”
Olivia was one of the multitude of women whom Galen’s father had fired for refusing to have sex with him. It was hard to believe that women still had to deal with that bullshit in this day and age. One look at Olivia told me she was a force to be reckoned with, and I’d be willing to bet that was even more true after she and Galen turned what happened at Primal Imports into a public-relations disaster for them.
Aiden leaned heavily on the side of the booth. “Livvy, can we go sit? My legs are tired.”
“If you’d brought your chair like I said, you wouldn’t have had to do all that walking.”
He scowled, and I thought they were going to start arguing, so I butted in. I gestured to the other side of the table. “Here, have a seat. I’m almost done.”
“No, we don’t want to rush you.”
Aiden pushed past her. “Speak for yourself.” He slid into the booth. “I’m not usually pushy, but I’ve been doing a lot of walking today, and if I don’t sit, I’m going to collapse.”
“We can’t have that.”
Olivia frowned. “Slide over, brat.” She muscled her way in. “This is my brother, Aiden. He’s a nice guy, but can be… prickly.”
Aiden held out a hand to me. It was slender with long, elegant fingers. There was a bit of something dark under his nails, and when he saw me looking, he pulled away.
“I’m sorry. I forgot that Olivia picked me up from class. Let me rest a few minutes, and then I’ll go wash them and we can try it again.”
“What? No.” I extended my hand. “A little dirt never hurt anyone.”
He grinned and reached out. “Trust me, this here? For me, that’s clean.”
Olivia nudged him with her shoulder. “Tell him why so he doesn’t think you’re a filthy slob.” She pursed her lips. “Not that that’s too far from the truth.”
Aiden grinned at her. “Bitch.” When he turned back to me, I got the first good look at him. He favored his sister. His blue-blue eyes were framed by long, dark, soft lashes. He had a bit of a pug nose, turned up slightly. His ears jutted out a tad. It took me a moment, but I figured out who he reminded me of—the adorable Russell Tovey.
“I work with stained glass.” Aiden pointed to his nail. “This? Probably from scraping the solder to smooth the edge.”
“You work in glass? How cool is that?”
Olivia groaned. “Oh, damn. You shouldn’t have said anything. Hope you don’t have anywhere to be in the next hour or so.”
Aiden reached into his pocket and extracted a phone. He tapped a few buttons, then proudly turned it so I could see the screen. “These are some of my current projects. I’ve been taking classes for a few years to, you know, hone my craft.” He swiped the screen, and up popped images of stained-glass flowers, superheroes, a deer, a hot air balloon, and something that actually made me laugh.
“Is that the droid I’m looking for?”
He pulled the phone back and snickered. “I did this one for a friend of mine. She wanted something for her birthday, and I knew how much she loved BB-8, so I did this one up for her.”
“You’re very talented.”
He blushed. “Thank you.”
“And cue the swelled head.”
The flush on his cheeks deepened to crimson. “Shut up.” Then he turned back to me. “Would you like to see some more?” He was like an overexcited puppy, and it worked for him.
Olivia held her hands up. “Say no if you value your sanity. He’s got thousands of pictures, not including his works in progress.”
I knew I should go, but Noel was standing behind them, giving me pleading eyes. He pointed toward Aiden and then wrapped his arms around himself. I got the point. Aiden was precious to Noel, and he wanted me to be nice to the kid.
“Sure, I have plenty of time.”
“Oh God.” She tilted her head back. “Noel, can I get something to go? If Aiden’s going to be talking Tom’s ear off, I should get back to work.” She elbowed Aiden. “Thanks for having lunch with me.”
He waved her off, then nudged her until she got out of the booth. Once she was, he slid out of their side of the booth and in next to me.
Olivia sighed and ruffled Aiden’s hair. “Call me later?”
He didn’t even look at her as she stopped at the counter, grabbed a bag, then headed out the door. “Yeah, sure,” he murmured after she was already gone. Aiden’s thumb flew over the screen as page after page of pictures went by, until he stopped on a tree in various shades of blue and white, against a backdrop of purple waves. “This one’s my favorite.”
It was a burst of color on the screen, and I could see how much it meant to Aiden that I like it too.
“It’s beautiful. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything remotely similar.”
He sat up a bit straighter. “I always loved looking at stained glass and wondered if I could make something. Livvy found me a place that would teach me to make it. I fell in love, and it got me thinking that maybe I could do something like this for a living.”
“With something like that, I’ve no doubt you could.”
He chuckled. “I’ve been selling things on Etsy for a few months. It’s okay so far. Not enough to get a place of my own, though.”
“Where do you live?”
“With Olivia. She’s….” His gaze dropped and his voice softened. “She’s been my mom, dad, and sister all rolled into one since I was told I can’t go home again.”
Can’t go home again. Can’t go home again. Can’t go home again.
My stomach rebelled, and I got up, crawled over Aiden, and rushed to the bathroom, where I dropped to my knees and barfed my guts out. Soft, tentative footsteps told me someone had followed me in.
“I’m sorry, really. I’ll be out in a minute.”
Then there was the sound of paper tearing and a soft hand on my shoulder. I turne
d my head slightly, and there stood Aiden, leaning against the sink, paper towel in his hand. He held it out to me. “Are you okay?”
Aiden. Shit, why did it have to be him?
I took the paper. “I’m fine. Look, go ahead and—”
“Tom? What’s going—oh shit.”
Great. Now Noel had come in too. What could make this moment any more embarrassing?
“Hey, what’s going on?”
Oh, what the hell? Katy. Talk about a fucking trifecta.
“All right, back to work, you two.”
And now Lincoln. Quadfecta? I wiped my mouth with the towel and dropped it into the toilet. I started to stand, but Lincoln pushed through everyone until he got to me. He reached down, grabbed my arm, and hauled me up beside him.
“What happened?”
I shook my head, unable to make my mouth work.
Lincoln turned and scowled. “I said, back to work. Noel, take Aiden out and get him something to eat. He’s too pale.”
“Yes, sir.” Noel took Aiden’s elbow and guided him from the bathroom.
Lincoln closed the door and locked it. “What happened?”
Shame coursed through me. “Nothing.”
“Uh-huh. You seemed fine, and then you ran in here like the hounds of hell were nipping at your feet. Want to try again?”
I sneered at him. “Don’t even try to use that voice on me. I’m not Noel.”
“No, you’re not.” Lincoln reached past me and flushed the toilet. “But you are a friend.”
I sighed. “When Aiden said he couldn’t go home again, I thought of Brian and how his family kicked him out.”
“Okay, and why would that make you sick?”
I didn’t want to say it. I would rather hack my tongue off than speak the words. “It doesn’t matter.” I tried to step by him, but he blocked me. “Move.”
Lincoln continued to stand in my way. “Why would that make you sick?”
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. “For over a year, Brian has been the first and only thing on my mind. When I sat down with Aiden and he was showing me his projects, for like two minutes, I didn’t think about Brian, and—”
Shit, it was just too fucking awful to contemplate.
“And it bothers you?”
I nodded.
“There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“There is! I swore when he died in my arms, I was never going to forget him. And I did.”
Lincoln pulled me to his chest and squeezed. “You didn’t forget him. You’ll never do that. What you did is have a moment where you remembered it’s okay to live again.”
In my head I knew he was right, but in my heart, I felt like I’d betrayed Brian, and for that I couldn’t forgive myself.
Chapter Three
“ARE WE going to talk about this?”
My mom reached over my shoulder and poured me another cup of tea, then turned and grabbed a plate of shortbread cookies, which she slid in front of me.
“What’s there to talk about?”
She snorted. “You think I wouldn’t find out? Noel called and told Galen, who told Robert, who called me.”
“Great. The white-haired granny hotline.” A sharp slap to my shoulder had me sitting up. “Sorry, Mom.” There was no way I could be a prick to her. She’d been there for Brian and me every step of the way, and I sure as hell wouldn’t treat her like anything less than the goddamned treasure she was.
“Now talk.”
And I did. I poured my heart out, shed more tears than I thought I had left in me, and pretty much bared my soul. All the while she held my hand, never losing that touch that grounded me in the moment.
“How did I forget him, Mom?”
“You didn’t, and I think you know that deep down.” She frowned. “Brian knew it too.”
“What do you mean?”
She sighed and let go of my hand. “When you’d go to the diner and Brian stayed here, he and I talked. I have to say, I’m surprised by how well he knew you.” She opened a drawer and reached in to pull out a cream-colored envelope. She turned and held it out to me. On the front was my name, written in Brian’s unmistakable flourish. “I was supposed to give you this when I thought it was the right time.”
My hand shook when I reached for it, while hers remained rock-steady. I took it from her and held it in front of me. I peered up at her. “Do you know what it says?”
“No, I don’t. All I know is that he made me promise to give this to you when you needed it most. I think that’s today.” She bent down and kissed my forehead. “I’ll be in the living room if you need me.”
“Mom, I—”
“Read the letter, Tom. I think you need it now.”
She stepped out of the room, and I tore the seal off the envelope. When I reached in and pulled out the single sheet of paper, I held my breath, not knowing what was coming.
Tommy,
If you’re reading this, it means you’re having a crisis. I don’t know what exactly happened, but your mom said she’d give it to you when she thought the time was right. If I had to hazard a guess, I’m going to say that today you opened your heart, just a little, and let some light in to clear out those dusty cobwebs that no doubt formed.
That’s good! It means you’re healing, at least a little.
See, here’s the thing. The fact that you’re thinking about me? It’s appreciated, more than you’ll ever know. I’m so damned grateful to have had your heart as long as I did. But….
And you knew there’d be one, right?
Now that the crack has appeared, don’t try to seal it back up. Let that fucker (don’t tell your mother I swore) open wide and allow the sunshine to pour in.
That said, I want you to know that I don’t ever think you’ll forget me, but I do think maybe now that you’ve had a peek of what’s beyond the pain and hurt, you’re ready to let me rest while you go out and meet new people, find new love, and live, damn it.
Now I’m going to close this note before Mom comes in and finds me crying. Last time she baked a chocolate cake, and the two of us sat here and ate the whole damn thing. I put on a whole pound. At my next appointment, I told the doctor if he wanted me to put on weight, he could have Mom cook for me. Oddly, he didn’t seem all that amused.
I chuckled. There was a little arrow that led to the bottom of the page, where a discolored disk sat.
This? It’s a tear. You know me, I cry when the wind blows.
I’m crying now because the one thing I wanted for you, more than anything in this world, was for you to step back out into the land of the living. Keep me in your memories, but you have to know you don’t belong with me, and I hope I don’t see you for years to come.
Now go out there and seize the world by its balls, Tommy.
Love, Brian
The pain of memory was instant. It seared through me like fire, scorching everything in its path.
Mom came rushing back in and threw her arms around me. “Let it out.”
I turned and buried my face in her stomach, clutching to her like I did when I was a little boy. She stroked the back of my head, letting me go on until there were no tears left.
I leaned back and scrubbed a sleeve across my face. “Thanks, Mom.”
“What did he have to say?”
I held out the letter, and she took it from my hands gently. Her eyes darted back and forth as she read, and then when she was finished, she, too, had tears.
“I can’t believe he swore.”
A laugh bubbled up from somewhere inside of me. “You weren’t supposed to know about it.”
“And you weren’t supposed to know about the cake.” She reached for my hand. “The one thing about the greatest of loves is that the person we’re with knows us better than we know ourselves. Your father, for instance? He has this… I don’t know… sense about him. He was at work one day when you boys were young, and I… I dropped something. Oh, I remember. It was a plate his mother gave us. I stood and st
ared at it, then fell to my knees, trying to clean up the mess, because I was afraid he’d be angry.”
She went to the refrigerator and pulled out two cans of Country Time Lemonade, popped the tops, and set one down in front of me before taking her seat.
“I was going to call him and tell him what had happened, when the phone rang. I picked it up, and the first words out of his mouth were ‘What’s wrong?’ I broke down, crying so hard, I couldn’t get the story out. He sat there and talked to me until I could pull myself together. When I told him about the plate and how sorry I was, he didn’t say anything more than asking me if I’d hurt myself. I told him no, I was fine. He said that was all that mattered. A plate could be replaced, he told me. I couldn’t.”
I’d had several things like that happen with Brian. He was always so attentive to my needs that he sometimes neglected his own. Early on, I started working for an insurance company while I finished school, and after he graduated, Brian went to work at a florist. He loved arranging flowers and had a knack for it. The problem was we had very little time together. That first month of being on weird schedules was trying for us, but Brian held everything together and made my life better in any way he could.
About three months after we were married, I came home late from work and found dinner waiting for me. Brian was sitting in the living room, reading a book, and when I walked through the door, he rushed in and served up the food. Then he sat down to talk to me about my day, and I heard his stomach rumble. When I questioned it, he admitted he was hungry but that we didn’t have enough for the groceries and the bills, so there was only enough for me.
I grabbed him and dragged him out the door in his flannel pajamas, with him protesting it was wet outside. Before he could say another word, I picked him up like a sack of potatoes, tossed him over my shoulder, and carried him out to the car. After I got him in, I drove us to Leon’s Custard and bought him a spicy burger and a custard sundae, despite his objections. When he asked why I’d done it, I told him that I would go hungry before I’d let him sacrifice. If there wasn’t enough money for both the bills and the food, then he damned well would eat. After that, he made smaller meals but made sure both of us got fed.
Stained Hearts Page 3