by Rita Hestand
He handed her a bandana and she blew her nose. "I disagree. You have the respect of everyone on this ranch and household. You earned that respect. I won't have you talking that way about yourself."
She looked into his eyes and saw the sparkle there.
"You know," he studied her sad face. "When a young man first learns to sit the saddle, he is taught how to cinch it. If he's smart, he does it and redoes it to make sure it's right. The first time I sat a saddle, I thought wow, this is great. Then the horse moved and so did I. I went flying through the air. Some of the men that worked for my dad, laughed. It was embarrassing. But I learned because I didn't want them to ever laugh at me again. The point I'm making is, we all have to learn things, it's part of growing up. You can do the same. The first time you do anything, you can make mistakes. But learning from your mistakes can be life changing. It's natural. Sometimes our imperfections are what make us such good people. And imperfections can be quite charming at times."
"You should have been a preacher." She dried her eyes. "Why are you always trying to make things better for me?" She asked and blew her nose again.
He chuckled, "You made an effort, a big effort and they weren't bad, just too salty is all."
"Your men, they were all so sweet not to say anything, I love them for it. Please tell them I appreciate their kindness."
"They would have never complained. You see, they make mistakes too. And our imperfection is what endears us to each other."
"It was way too salty," she chuckled at herself now.
He wiped her tears and stared into her eyes, "You can do one thing very well, and it's all female."
"What's that?" she didn't believe him.
"You kiss better than any woman I've ever known."
That brought her head up and her eyes meeting his, "I do?"
He smiled affectionately. "You do!"
"I don't believe that," she cried.
"Then let me prove it," he murmured and pulled her into his arms and kissed her like there was no tomorrow. The way his lips melded with hers, the way she moved hers with his, had her heart hammering. It was a long, drugging kiss that seemed to last to their last breath. Her lips tingled, her heart thudded heavily, her mind blanked and someone moaned raggedly.
When he pulled away his eyes twinkled into hers. "See what I mean."
"I can't help it, when you kiss me, I lose all control over it."
"So, do I sweetheart, that's how it's supposed to be." He told her softly. His voice cajoled her; his eyes burned into her with a fire. "A kiss is an expression of emotions and feels better sometimes than making love."
"So, you don't want a divorce?"
"No, do you?"
She couldn't take her eyes from him right now. She saw something in his gaze that took her breath away.
"No…" she answered softly almost in a wonder.
He got up off the bed, "Well, it sounds like we are making some progress here."
She sat up on the edge of the bed, her hands holding each side of the bed now, gripping it a little.
"So where do we go from here?" she asked rather meekly.
He saw her tight hold of the bed, as she stared at the floor.
His face a wad of frowns now. "Where do you want to go Anna Lee?" And then the frown went away as his glance softened on her.
She stood up and went to the window to stare out at the setting sun. She couldn't look at him and speak of it. Instead her eyes feasted on the soft yellow and orange sunset. "I guess we either make a marriage or we don't. I'm not dumb." She glanced at him again. "You brought me out here and put me in this room. Like you didn't want to make a real marriage. It sent a message, a silent message to me. I can understand that, under the circumstances. I did ask you to marry. You didn't ask me. I'm still trying to come to grips with that fact. I had no right to ask you. Still, I'm confused. You say you don’t want a divorce. And I'm sure of one thing. I don't want to live like this the rest of our lives. We're either married or we're not. I either belong here or I don't. I'm either your wife or I'm not. But if it's not, then I will seek a divorce as this is no way to live. We've been best friends so long, but there are so many things I don't know about you, that I'd like to."
"Like what?" he turned to look at her.
"Well, like today, I had to ask Maria if you were good with a gun. I've never seen you shoot or draw."
"I'm fairly good." He knew she was hesitating to talk about what really mattered, but he wanted to straighten things out with her once and for all, and he felt she was ready to do the same.
"She said you were very good."
"What else don't you know?"
"Do you want children?" she asked him point blank, again not looking directly at him.
"Yes," he said softly staring at her now from head to toe. "I'd like that. I'd like it a lot. The question is, do you?"
She looked away so he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes, "Yes…"
"Because you want to be like Mary?" he asked.
She whirled around now, raising her head, "No," she said straight out. "Because I'd like to have a family of my own. I realize what I was doing now. I realize I'm nothing like my sister, or even my parents. But I do want what they have, the happiness and fulfillment of my own family. And… I'd like very much to have your children; I just didn't know if you wanted any."
His eyes softened on her now, gleaming at her. "You are learning, sweetheart." He whispered, staring at her, all of her.
She shot him a shy smile.
"Now, is there anything else you'd like to know?" He asked coming closer.
"Yes, and until I know, nothing will get settled around here."
"Ask it then." He encouraged.
"Two things, first, have you forgiven me for asking you to marry me."
His serious expression told her he was considering the question.
"There's nothing to forgive." He shook his head. Then seeing her perplexed face, he went on. "I didn't have to marry you. You didn't point a gun at me and make me. I wasn't forced into it. You were walking out the door. I chose to marry you. I didn't want you to leave."
"If that's true, then why did you not touch me? Why did you put me in this room, insisting I live with you but not insisting I be your real wife?" She turned to stare into his masked expression. "This isn't how a real marriage works, you know. Even I know that."
It was like a veil dropping away from his face, and a radiant smile broke over him. "Our relationship has evolved from one thing to another over time. The answer to your question is, I wanted to give you time to decide if you wanted this marriage. You ask me to marry you on the precept that you didn't want to be embarrassed. I understood it, but it was no basis for a marriage. I knew how I felt all along. But to tell the truth, I wasn't sure about how you really felt about me!"
She looked stunned.
"I've always loved you Joe," she whispered, her cheeks blooming as she said it. "I guess I've said that enough times that you don't believe it. But it's true."
"You have said that many times, but you were going to marry all three of those men too. And I don't think you loved them. I was there, conveniently. How could I know for sure why you asked me?"
She bowed her head, "I didn't love them. You were right about that; I should have let them court me longer to see if it would be a good match. I guess I didn't know my own mind. Or I didn't want to know the answer. And I didn't want them pressuring me any longer for sex."
"Exactly. I figured that out. But…"
"But you thought I was still a frivolous child, not knowing how I felt."
"That's why I wanted you to come home with me. To figure out how you really felt about us. To give you a chance to decide if this was what you wanted or not."
She backed herself against the bedpost and stared at him. Her hands gripped the bedpost. He knew this conversation was hard for her, but they had to air it out once and for all, like she had said. "I knew I loved you at six years old."
; His mouth fell open as he stared. He turned his head in question.
"I'll admit," she felt tears sting her eyes. "It was a childish kind of love back then. A bit of hero worship I suppose. But, when you left, it was like someone tore my heart out. I wondered what I had done wrong. I was so lost without you. I knew I was too young to love you, but I couldn't stop what I felt. The feelings I had didn't go away, they were buried in my heart. I knew what everyone was saying. But I knew how I felt, too. I fought it, I fought it hard, until one day I realized that believing everyone else made me stop hurting so much. So, I threw myself into being the next Mary. I asked a teacher once, how you knew if someone really loved you."
"What did she say?"
"She said, you have to let them go, to find out. If they come back to you, it's a true love, if not, you've lost nothing anyway. I finally gave up on you. I realized you'd grown up, you were a man, and I was still well, kind of childish. But I thought that being more like my sister would make me more lovable. You see the men that asked me to marry, wanted something more from me, something physical. I refused without marriage, so they asked. In a hurry to catch up with my sister, I accepted their proposal. I sold myself short, because I felt if you couldn't love me, no one could. Because you knew me better than anyone."
His face contorted into pain. "My God," he turned away for a moment, then back to look into her confused face. "I didn't want to leave you darlin'." He said it with so much emotion that his voice became husky and a sadness seemed to surround them. "All my life, people told me you were too young, and that as old as I was, I shouldn't be hanging out with a young girl, it didn't look right, it wasn't decent. That's what they said. Many times. In a way, they were right. Of course, you and I both know there was nothing indecent about it. But at nineteen I was sick of hearing it. And at that age there were a couple of problems. And there is a lot of difference in nineteen and fourteen. Trouble was, you were a beautiful fourteen I might add. I was beginning to see you a lot differently then. You were just budding into a beautiful young woman. It's a strange awakening when a girl turns into a woman. But the older you got; the more people came down on me for being so close to you. I thought leaving you alone, would make everyone shut up and leave us both alone. You see honey, when you became a woman, people began to really talk about you, about us. And it wasn't true. I knew I had to do something. I was too old to be interested. But the truth is, Anna Lee, I was interested."
"You were?" She asked breathlessly.
"Of course, I was. You looked at me like I was some kind of hero. That was flattering. And at the same time, I realized you were finally beginning to grow up too. I wanted you too, I'm no better than the men that proposed, maybe worse, I didn't ask you to marry. But suddenly, that day in the church, it was no longer a problem and I knew it. Our age no longer mattered. We were both adults. I'd loved you, granted in different ways ever since the day I met you. But in the church, I finally realized that the love I felt was real, adult and very different. I realized that no matter what I did, where I went, how long we were apart, it wasn't going to change. I'd go to dances and ask someone to dance, and all the while, I'd wonder where you were, what you were doing. If you were alright. I'd already tested that by leaving you alone for a while. It tore me up to just walk away from you. I couldn't talk to you about it because you wouldn't have understood it then."
"I missed you so." The words poured from her mouth.
"I missed you too!"
"You did?" She looked shocked.
He sighed, "I did. The fact is Anna Lee, I'm crazy about you! And I always have been. I married you because you made it so easy for me. I wanted to marry you Anna Lee."
And then he kissed her to prove it. The kiss burned all the way to her tummy, swirling through her body like a tornado. His words penetrated her brain, and the kiss deepened. Finally, she let him into her heart again. He had broken the dam, there were no more barriers between them. She wanted to be his wife, in every way now. She could no longer hold back her feelings.
The answer to all the questions were the same in her heart. She was finally free to love him back. Age and people's opinions no longer mattered. They were free from those super imposed chains; they had broken loose.
Slowly she wrapped her arms around him and held on.
"Then make me your wife, tonight." She whispered boldly. "I don't want to wait a minute longer."
He stared into her eyes, and a slight smile broke over his face. "Yes, ma'am," He smiled against her lips and carried her into his bedroom, closing the door with his boot.
Chapter Seventeen
Before he laid her on his bed, he looked into her eyes, "Are you sure about this?"
"Are you hesitating?" she asked softly.
He shook his head slowly, his eyes never leaving hers, "Not at all. But I know you've never… "
She blushed beautifully, "That's true, but there has to be a first time for everyone, doesn't there?" she asked.
"Of course, but I don't want to hurt you."
"If you really love me, you can't hurt me." She whispered.
"The first time can be a little rough," he told her.
"I know, Mary told me."
"Mary?"
"Yeah, she was telling me about her getting married and how much she loved him and how he made things so nice for her. She said if you love someone, really loved them, you don't notice the pain. She said the love overpowers the pain."
"And do you really love me?" He asked with a soft smile to his handsome face.
"I've loved you most of my life. First as a child for someone who cared, then as a crush, for a hero, and now—" She whispered.
"Tell me about now." His smile was just for her.
"Your words can send me to heaven or crush me. Your smile can fill my soul, your kisses, oh, your kisses are always so sweet, they consume me. But it's you that I love, the way you are, the way you care about people, the way you work so hard, and especially how you've always been so good to me. But living with you, being so close, I've lusted after you too. I've always thought you were the most handsome man I ever knew, even when we were younger. Of course, back then I did my best not to notice, but sometimes I caught myself staring at you, wondering what a kiss from your lips would be like. Wondering what it might be like if you'd have asked me to a dance. I knew it wasn't possible, but a young girl can dream a lot."
"The tongues would surely have wagged if I had."
He smothered her with a kiss for that admission. She moaned at the sweetness of his lips. The way he moved his mouth over hers ignited a flame within her. The taste of his salty lips, the scent of him which was all Joe. He had a day-old beard and it created a sweet kind of friction against her cheeks, it made her even more aware of his kisses. The hunger grew inside her now, eager to be one with this man.
Wrenching his mouth from hers, he set her down, and his hand went to touch her hot cheek, a thumb absently stroking her there. "My God, Anna Lee, how I've loved you."
"I was afraid to ask you how you really felt. Afraid you'd reject me too. But I finally come to the conclusion that knowing and hurting would be better than never knowing."
"I'd never reject you Anna Lee, even when I get upset, I love you. But the wonder of it all is, we don't have to listen to anyone any longer. I only wish I'd known sooner how you felt."
"I thought you only loved the little girl that I was. I know when I was young, you cared for me, but when I grew up and we grew apart, I felt it was only feeling sorry for me or something. My parents kept telling me it was for the best. But I was lost those years without you. I did everything I could to cover up my feelings too."
"I did love you as a young girl, but I love you even more as a woman."
He sat her down on the side of the bed. "You see darlin', God meant us to be together, it just took us some time to figure it out. We had to learn to quit listening to all the gossips in town."
She waited wondering what would come next.
"Why d
id you wait until I was fourteen to leave me?" she asked, her brows knitting.
He went on one knee down on the floor, in front of her, to look into her eyes. "I'm sure you don't remember it, but we went swimming, like we often did on hot summer days. It took me off guard. Then you threw your dress on a tree and swam in your slip. I swam in my drawers. Up until then, I paid little attention to how you dressed. Do you remember that?"
"Nothing different about that, was there?" she asked.
"Oh, you have no idea how different. At fourteen there was." His voice became hoarse as he stared into her innocent eyes.
"I don't understand."
"I know, that was the problem, you didn't see it. That slip was see-through when wet, Anna Lee, and no, it wasn't any different than any other summer we spent together, except, you were growing up and I just happened to notice it. I felt bad about looking at you, but I did. I realized I had no right looking or even thinking in that direction. But suddenly, everything everyone told me, seemed to hit me all at once. I felt so guilty. I felt bad that I was looking. I thought everyone else was right about us. I was nineteen and thinking about girls. You were fourteen and not even thinking about boys. You were beautiful, and so unaware of yourself. I knew I had to get away from you, because, dammit, I wanted you. And you didn't even see it. You were too young to see it. And I'll admit, it was the first time I agreed with everyone else, I was too old for you. It all happened, so suddenly. I couldn't change the fact that you were growing up, nor the fact that I noticed. But if I got away from you, then everything would turn out right. Only, being away from you was hard. I'd hear people praise me for 'waking up'. And I wondered why I didn't feel better about it all. I felt like I left something with you. Then I figured it out. I left my heart with you darlin'."
Anna blushed and hung her head. "You didn't say a word, and I guess I should feel ashamed, but I didn't realize it. You never acted any different. You certainly didn't embarrass me about it. In fact, no one said anything until a few months later, Momma said I needed a corset. Now that embarrassed me."