“Sam, that’s very sweet of you but everything will work itself out the way it should. Has anyone ever told you that you are wise beyond your years?” I asked her. She smiled so huge it changed her face completely. In a few years, she was going to wreak havoc on these boys’ hearts.
“No, but thanks. I’m just observant for my age. I watch a ton and stay quiet mostly.”
“Well, you are. Thanks again. Remember to get your parents to reach out. See ya around, kiddo,” I stated, as I turned back to head to my car.
When I got in, I sat there. If a teenager could see the damage I’d caused to my own heart, then shit was bad. My feelings for Joss weren’t going to go away. I was in love with her. A real love that at the moment, proved to be more raw than I had ever thought. My stomach hurt, my heart felt like it was being put through a shredder over and over again, and my complete existence felt halted. Everything I knew about what I wanted with Josselyn tore me apart when the reality of her being gone swept over me. I wouldn’t survive, no, couldn’t survive, without her by my side going through this thing called life. Before I could think about what I was doing, I sent her a text.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry, Joss. I need you to know that. I know you need time so I’ll give you some. But, Josselyn, I will fight for us and won’t wait forever. I’ll be there in a week to bring you back to me. Deep down, you know we belong together and I am ruthless enough to do whatever it takes to make you see that. See you soon.
Once the message went from delivered, to read, and I saw no dots dancing in the corner, I put my phone in the cup holder and drove back home to try to occupy myself with some work.
_______________
It was a fruitless endeavor trying to keep my mind focused on something other than Josselyn. I know I replied to emails and some social media messages, but I couldn’t tell you if I was even making sense or what I said in them. So instead of torturing myself more or making a professional ass out of myself, I closed out my work programs and emails and opened up YouTube. I typed in ‘top female skaters’ and the first video was of Joss when she first became number one. I hit play and watched in utter amazement and admiration as Joss skated her ass off.
She wasn’t as confident as she was toward the end of her career but the sheer effortlessness of every trick set my blood ablaze. That’s what was so fucking sexy about her. She had no idea how truly talented she was. When someone could be as graceful as a ballerina on a skateboard, it was purely exquisite.
Her hair was shorter back then and she hadn’t started to play with dyeing it different colors yet, so it was a soft chocolate brown. Her eyes were a strikingly bright hazel against her tanned skin and her smile while she skated illuminated everything about her. Josselyn’s curves were what wet dreams were made of.
On that thought, I slammed down the cover to my laptop. To know that my hands had memorized ever dip and valley of her beautiful body, yet I was in jeopardy of never touching her again, made me see red. I needed to calm down, expel some of this pent-up anger. My usual methods weren’t an option, so I changed into my running shorts, a T-shirt, and sneakers and hit the beach for a run.
_______________
The run did fuck all to help. Thoughts of Josselyn, and how I fucked this entire thing up with her, continued to slam into my brain. What was wrong with me? Why was I always acting like a complete bastard? Showering didn’t help. Watching mindless television didn’t help. The only thing that would help would be to go to her to try to explain why I got so crazy with even just the thought of another man’s hands touching her. The problem was, I’m not sure she would ever understand without using my ex against me. If I was being honest with myself, Joss had every right to throw Bibi in my face.
Fuck. This is a complete disaster. I didn’t want to lose Joss. I needed a drink. Actually, I needed to get completely shit-faced. The Lantern was added on to my itinerary for the evening. I wasted no time changing out of the shorts I’d thrown on after my shower and slipped on some jeans, a green Henley, and my work boots. Once I grabbed my keys and locked up the house, phone in hand, I got in my car and drove to the only place that held any chance of me forgetting what a stupid fuck I’d been.
_______________
I’d been sitting at the bar for a few hours and had consumed enough Jack Daniels that I could become a walking distillery. My phone was sitting on the top of the sticky bar and I kept lighting up the screen then locking it immediately after there was no sign of a message. After a few more times, Wilder, the man I was pretty sure had his eye on Joss and the bartender for this evening, stood in front of me and told me it was last call and he’d order me a ride if needed.
Was it needed? I didn’t have any idea. All I knew in that moment was that all the liquor I ingested was sitting in my stomach like a brick, my head felt like it was spinning around on my shoulders, and the alcohol’s desired effect had failed. My thoughts were still constantly on Joss and how I needed to fix this with her.
We’d been great together. Joss had trusted me and really started to open up to me and I just completely blew it. The thing I had come to learn about my Josselyn was that sometimes she seemed all right in the moment but once she had time to think about a situation, her stance or opinion changed. Which was why I was a little taken aback when she left last night. I’m not saying she didn’t have every right to; it was just I thought we’d come far enough to get through this together.
All my thoughts seemed jumbled as I got into the Uber the bartender dude ordered for me. I couldn’t stay focused long enough to sort them all properly with being jostled all around in the back seat of the car.
Tomorrow, I’d revisit, rehash, and revise my plan. When I was sober and hopefully not hungover.
I took out my phone and started to scroll through my picture gallery to commence the second round of torture on myself. I’d had tons of pics of Joss and me from the past few weeks. It was difficult to zero in on her beautiful self right now but if I squinted hard enough, I could make the doubles disappear. Josselyn was everything that was good in my life. Kind, funny, full of attitude, and the complete vision of my fantasies come to life. There were photos of us in bed, out on the beach, and tons of Joss skating with her kids.
Those were my favorite.
Anytime Joss was on her board in my presence, my dick took on a mind of its own. Right now, in the back seat of this Uber, was proof. It was also good to know that even though I’d drank an entire bottle of Jack Daniels; I didn’t suffer from whiskey dick.
Josselyn Easton just had that overwhelming effect on me. It didn’t seem to matter if she currently hated me, and my asshole tendencies, she was still the sexiest woman I’d ever laid eyes on. My heart hammered against my chest every time I thought about her and what life with her forever would feel like. But when I thought about my current standings and this could possibly mean a life without her, that annoying ass organ plummeted to my stomach and I wanted to throw up.
Like right now.
Or maybe that was the alcohol making its reappearance for the night.
In any case, I exited out of my picture app and opened up our text thread. To mix up the torture for the evening, I scrolled back to happier message exchanges and read. When I got to the last message I sent her, I wanted to rewind time. Redo the whole incident, not drive to her job and act like a jealous asshole. Keep a better eye on that dickhead Bruno.
As the Uber driver pulled up to my house, my phone still in my hand, I reached into my pocket for some bills to tip this guy, who has silently allowed me to wallow in his back seat.
“My dude, you already tipped on the app,” quiet Uber driver guy said.
“It’s fine. Keep it. Thanks for the ride,” I told him as I stumbled out of his tiny-ass car.
Instead of making a move to try to find my keys in my drunken state, I went around the back to my deck and plopped down in a lounger, still holding on to my phone for dear life. I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold back from messaging he
r so I said, “Fuck it.” Then I drunk texted the only woman I had ever loved in hopes of starting the process of winning her back. I lied when I said I’d give her a week. I hadn’t meant to lie to her; it was just that I couldn’t seem to be a functioning human being without her with me.
CHAPTER 23
Tag Teamed by the Morgans.
Joss
AFTER SPENDING THE entire night drinking with Soraya and some of her friends, I had fallen asleep in the spare room Graham and she had set up for me. It felt like I had just passed out from all the shots I’d consumed while purging the incident to everyone in attendance at the bar, when I heard the obnoxious ping of an incoming message on my phone. The time difference from California to New York played with me but I knew instinctively it was him. In my hazy, hungover—or maybe I was still drunk—stupor, I reached for it and read his message.
ZIT: I need you, Josselyn. I need you like a heart needs to beat. My life isn’t complete unless we’re together. I had a taste of what life is like with you and I won’t let you throw it away. I won’t give up on something I’ve wanted since I was 19. Please, baby, don’t make me wait a whole week.
I didn’t have anything to respond with. According to my phone it was five in the morning here, two for him, and I didn’t have the energy to go back and forth with Zane. More so, I just didn’t want to. I wanted to be heartbroken and sad and generally just mope around for a while. Soraya said it was natural that I felt betrayed and heartbroken, but that maybe it wasn’t all that bad. She seemed to have a difference of opinion on the whole situation. The thing is, I already knew I would have to face him because he wouldn’t let me go that easily. My biggest concern was he didn’t really understand why I had gotten so upset. And as far as my best friend went, Soraya was already up to something.
It was too early for text messages professing things, so I rolled over, slammed a pillow over my head, and passed back out.
_______________
Four hours, a hot shower, and a teeth scrubbing to end all brushing later, I felt so much more like myself. There was still the hangover fog, as I liked to call it, but mostly I was good to go. Which turned out to be a good thing since Soraya had plans to show me around the city’s funkier shopping scene. Don’t get me wrong, I loved shopping as much as the next girl, especially if it was for stuff out of the ordinary, but I just wanted to eat greasy food and drink coffee. Resigned to my fate for the day, I got dressed in ripped jeans, a white tee under a gray and blue flannel, and my Chucks and made my way down the kitchen. Halfway there, I realized I’d forgotten my phone in my fog and went back to grab it.
When I made my appearance, I was surprised to see Graham there and not Soraya.
“Well, nice of you to join us today.” Graham wasn’t usually such an ass to me, but I had a feeling there was a reason behind it.
“Morning to you too, Graham.” I watched him watch me and then his lips twitched, trying to hide his amusement.
“What the fuck are you wearing?” he asked, as he nodded to my flannel.
“It’s my nod to the grunge style of the nineties. Long live Kurt Cobain.” I smiled as I gave the live long and prosper sign.
“You do know that symbol is from Star Trek and has nothing to do with Kurt Cobain, right?”
“Of course I do. But thanks for proving yet again how nerdy you actually are, G. Anyway, where is your fuck hot wife at?”
“She went to the coffee shop to get some work in and wanted to let you sleep, seeing as you had a rough couple of days. She said to tell you to meet her there,” Graham said, as he slid me a piece of paper with the address.
“Thanks. I’ll text her.” When I swiped the screen of my phone to text Soraya, the thread between Zane and I was still open.
I need you like a heart needs to beat.
I won’t give up on something I’ve wanted since I was 19.
Fuck. The words he sent me were hitting me right in the heart. I hadn’t felt the tears come, or even fall, when Graham walked over to throw his arm over my shoulders. He gave me a squeeze and said, “Give him a chance, Joss. Take it from me, relationships have ebbs and flows, but his heart really does only beat for you.”
Sniffling, I looked at the man who won over my best friend’s heart and knew she had the love of a fantastic man. I smiled sadly at Graham and said, “I think he gets in his own way, you know? I know what he did wasn’t as bad as something like cheating, but it still made me feel like I did something wrong when I hadn’t. His barbaric actions to prove I belonged to him got me suspended. Zane and I have a history and he really should’ve known better than to be jealous of anyone. I’ve been in love with him since I was a kid.”
“Josselyn, it’s obvious you love him. And it’s obvious he loves you too. As for the way he acted, you have to understand. Men like Zane and me; we don’t like to think about anyone who came before us. Once we’ve fallen, it’s forever and we don’t share. There is also no situation where we ever want to hear about your prior prowess. Unfortunately for Zane, your career requires you to talk about your past and that can sometimes be a hard pill for a man in love to swallow.” Did Graham just say it was obvious Zane loved me? Like for real?
“What are you talking about, G? It’s not obvious he loves me. If it were, we wouldn’t be where we are right now, would we?” I asked.
“Yeah, Joss. You would most likely be here anyway. Zane is who he is and honestly, that is why we get along. He loves you. The only one it’s not obvious to is you. And trust me, I get why you don’t think it’s possible. Zane’s told me about you and your history so I know all about him walking away from you. I think because of this, you’re scared to realize he means forever with you. He won’t walk away from you. Has Zane given you any indication he wasn’t in this relationship with you for the long haul or even in the middle of this, whatever the fuck you want to call it, he is giving up on you or the two of you together?” Graham asked on a raised eyebrow.
“No. Zane begged me to stay in California and both texts I’ve gotten in the last twenty-four hours have said he’ll be flying here to get me back. G, when he walked away the first time, I had to go to therapy to get over him. Then he came barreling back into my life, doing that interview, and he has been overwhelming me since. We had sex and it was broadcast to the entire country, all because he didn’t like the show that brought us together again. He ruined me this time. No one will ever respect me like they did before. This is why I never dated anyone I skated with coming up the ranks. For a woman, it’s different and we are accused of sleeping our way up. ” I looked at Graham. He was watching me intently and one side of his mouth lifted up in a smirk.
“Josselyn, you were smart back then to guard yourself and your reputation. I have zero doubt that Zane feels fucking awful about what happened. But let me ask you this. Do you really think Zane wanted that intimate situation to go out to the world after why he came there in the first place? Do you really believe that? Besides, from what Soraya said this morning, Zane wasn’t the one who flipped the switch, was he?”
“I guess it makes sense he wouldn’t want that out there for the world to hear. And no. Bruno flipped it. But why was he so much calmer after that than listening to my show?” I questioned Graham.
“Because,” Graham shrugged with a knowing grin on his face.
“Because what?”
“Zane was calmer because he was the one you were with and he was there trying to keep you calm, not listening to a story about you fucking another man.”
It really was that simple. Graham Morgan was a good man, a good friend, and gave amazing advice.
“You know something, G?”
“What?”
“You are the shit. Thanks for being who you are for my girl,” I told him as I walked up to him, went up on tippy-toes, and kissed his cheek. I smiled at him and then headed out to meet my girl.
_______________
New York was an interesting place to try to navigate, especially at the end of s
ummer with everyone trying to get their last visits in before kids went back to school full time and parents went back to work. The weather was perfect, still warm enough to walk around without a coat, but not hot enough that it felt like a wall of heat was smacking you in the face every time you stepped outside. Autumn in New York City was right around the corner and one of the best times to visit in my humble opinion.
The coffee shop was called Latte Love and wasn’t that far away from Graham and Soraya’s place. According to the piece of paper it was owned by a woman named Jurnee, who Soraya apparently knew. When I got to the front of the building, I thought I managed to end up at the wrong place because it was in an office building. But I saw the sign and pulled open the door. When I entered, I was struck by how high-tech and modern the whole concept seemed. The walls were this hammered metal type color, with Asian-inspired wood seating adorned with red cushions. The floors were an immaculate, shiny silver-gray with black runner rugs under tables and booths. The counter where you would order was very pristine with wooden glass racks, and plants sitting on shelves behind it giving it a very fresh, Zen feel. I spotted Soraya and made my way over to her at one of the tables by the windows.
“Hey,” she greeted me.
“Hey back. Thanks for letting me sleep in a bit.”
“You had a rough night. I wanted you to recuperate so you weren’t all hungover today.” Soraya was seriously the best. Honest to a fault, but the best person to have on your side. Just like her damn husband.
“Your husband and I chatted this morning. I think I’m going to fly back to Cali. There is so much we need to sort out, but Graham made me see some things front a different point of view and—” Soraya cut me off.
“No! You can’t do that, Joss.”
“What? Why the hell not? Weren’t you all Team Zane last night?”
“Yes, sort of. I mean, not exactly. I am team ‘I want my friends happy and they are happier together’ which is why I texted Zane this morning and told him to come out here. He’s on a plane right now flying in. Please don’t be mad. It is fucking killing me to see the two of you in this place of limbo because you both can’t really talk about your feelings,” Soraya said. It felt like a lecture but I knew it was just her way.
Ruthless Renovator : A Hero Club Novel Page 16