by Angel Devlin
When the cold gets too much, I climb from the floor and run the bath once again, hoping that it’s been long enough for the hot water to refill. While I wait, I glance around the room for something else to do to pass the time.
I find one of Cheryl’s facepacks that I always take the piss out of her for and rip the top open. If I’m going to die a slow and painful death, I might as well go out with clear pores.
My skin is pruned to within an inch of its life and the facepack has dried like fucking cement when I hear a noise like the front door opening.
“Hello,” I scream, jumping up so fast that the bath water sloshes everywhere. “I’m in the bathroom. Help.”
I don’t hear anything else and I wonder if I’m starting to hallucinate but it’s only a few more seconds before I hear the most blissful sound.
“Kaylie?”
“Aiden. Oh my god, you came.”
“Yeah, well, when I came up empty in your usual restaurants of choice for disastrous dates I wasn’t sure what else to do, so I figured you might have come home. My next option was the hospital in case tonight’s date was a serial killer. I don’t think you’ve met one of those yet.” His chuckle bounces off the tiles around me and ignites an anger I’m unable to contain in my belly.
“Not the fucking time for jokes, Aid. I’m fucking stuck in here.”
“You’re stuck?”
“Yes. I need rescuing from my fucking bathroom, you moron.”
“All right, enough of the abuse. Do you want help or not?”
“Yes, yes, I’m sorry. I really need your help. I’m stuck, with no towels, freezing my tits off.”
“Really?” He sounds way too excited about this.
“Aiden. Focus. Get me out of here.”
“Okay, stand back. I’ll kick it down.”
“What? No! You can’t do that,” I shout in panic.
“Why? You want to get out, don’t you?”
“Yes, but I’d rather not be kicked out by my landlord for breaking down his door.”
“You’re stuck. What do you think he’d prefer? A dead body in the bathroom?”
“No, probably not,” I mutter. “Can you get a screwdriver and let me out or something?”
“Do you have a screwdriver?”
“No.”
“Fantastic. Any more shitty suggestions, or shall we just do what I said to begin with?”
I’m now shivering. “D- do you have to be enjoying this quite so much?”
“Yeah, I really do. Are you out of the way?”
“I’m standing in the bath. It’s about as far away as I can get from a room that’s barely six foot square.”
“Okay, brace yourself.”
I crouch down behind the shower curtain like it’s going to protect me and wait for impact.
The first bang does nothing. The door is still in place and when Aiden pushes the handle it doesn’t open.
“Stubborn little fucker,” Aiden grunts before he must run at it full force. The sound of splintering wood fills the air before both him and the door come flying into the room. The door hits the sink, sending it crashing down to the floor, resulting in water spraying up into the room like a fancy fucking water feature while Aiden groans.
“Fuck, are you okay?”
Jumping up, I climb from the bath, but I don’t get any further because his eyes land on my body and I’m reminded that I’m stark bollock naked.
I wrap one arm around my boobs and drop the other to my crotch but it’s too late. The heat in his eyes and the smirk playing on his lips tells me that he’s already seen everything.
6
Aiden
Another night. Another phone call from Kaylie. She’s becoming as regular as my alarm clock.
“Hey, Kay-bear. You forgiven—”
“Shut up, I need your help.”
“You need—”
“I said shut up. I need rescuing, I’m stuck in—”
There are a series of beeps and her phone goes dead. I wait for her to call me back with a location but there’s nothing. Sighing, I scrub a hand through my hair and realise that I’m not lazing around on the sofa this Friday evening; instead, I’m out looking for Kay. Jeez, I meet her so often in restaurants we’re practically dating ourselves.
But I don’t find her in her usual haunts and there are only two restaurants she meets dates at: one main one, and a back-up if her original choice is fully booked. There’s no sign of her and I start to worry that the call ended because the serial killer she was out with removed her phone. My heart starts to beat thick and fast. Fuck, has my messing with her dating account caused some random crazy dude to target her? What if she’s missing? What if I never see her again?
Thank fuck for my regular gym attendance and training sessions because I run to her flat and use my keys to get in to find…
A body all right.
But not a dead one.
As I stand in front of her now, having kicked the door down, I’m looking at one very hot, very naked, body.
I can’t help the smirk that catches my lips.
“Get me a towel or my robe, you fucking pervert,” she screams at me. Her banshee tone is at a level of decibels that is going to threaten the glass in the bathroom window at any second.
“Personally, I’d have wrapped myself in the shower curtain.” I nod at the black shower curtain hung in front of her and watch her eyes widen as she realises she could have been covered up if her brain hadn’t failed her in her panic. She reaches out to grab the bottom of the curtain to pull it all around her but shows me a breast while she does so.
It’s not like the ones she had in my dreams. It’s even better. She has just the perfect sized breasts I reckon, to cup in my hands, and I hadn’t realised how much amazing junk she has in the trunk until the shower curtain clings to her rear.
“You do realise the shower curtain is attached right, so you’re now stuck standing in the bath.”
The withering look I get snaps me from my perving. “Well if you could quit checking me out and go get the towel or robe I asked you for five minutes ago, maybe I could get out of here. And go turn the stopcock off before the bathroom floods.”
“With that black face mask on your face and wrapped in a black shower curtain I’m feeling all kinds of Catwoman vibes.”
“You will if you don’t GO GET ME A ROBE, because I’m going to scratch your fucking pervert eyes out in a minute.”
“Jesus.” I roll my eyes. “I’ll go get you a robe AND sort the stopcock. Think you’d be more thankful for me coming to rescue you yet again. Can you imagine if you’d had to be rescued by the fire brigade? All your booty on show for the watch.”
I get another withering stare and so leave the bathroom.
After turning off the stopcock under the kitchen sink, I walk into Kaylie’s bedroom realising I’ve not been in here before. It’s decorated in a pale grey with grey everything apart from a couple of pink cushions. There’s a sad looking single bed in her room and books everywhere. She always was a bookworm. I find a tatty burgundy-coloured towelling robe on the back of her door and walk back to the bathroom handing it to her.
“Thanks. Now go and put the kettle on and make me a nice cuppa so I can recover from this ordeal.”
“Yes, Miss.” I salute and with a last wistful look at the shower curtain clinging to her curves, I make my way back towards the kitchen. Luckily the kettle is still full of water from an earlier brew.
Right now, I want to be a shower curtain. My mind is full of naked Kaylie and my thoughts are not pure regarding my best friend. I don’t know what to do about them, but right now they’re forgiven as we have just seen her naked. I’m a hot-blooded male after all. My mind just needs to process the naked, and then I’m sure after I’ve spent time with my bestie all will return to normal.
She walks into the kitchen and flopping onto a chair at the kitchen table, she sits with her head in her hands.
“I don’t know what I’ve d
one to deserve all this shit,” she whines.
I place her tea in front of her. “Kay-bear, there’s no harm done. You got stuck in the bathroom and I rescued you. My payment was a look at that mighty fine body you’ve been hiding away all these years. Let me tell you, next time you go on a date you are dressing to accentuate that. It’s time to stop wearing baggy oversized shit that does nothing for you and to show off the goods that God provided.”
“I can’t get the face pack off.” She sighs heavily. “It’s one of those I’ve laughed at on the internet. I thought the people on there had just made it up to get views.” She pulls at the edge of the black mask and winces. “Nope, can’t even lift the slightest bit of it. This is my new look for life.”
“Don’t be daft. They just wash off, don’t they?”
“Aiden, have you not seen the video clips of these on the internet?”
I shake my head while on my phone I’m already typing in face mask removal on YouTube. A minute later I’m laughing. “Oh fuck. There’s nothing you can do, Kaylie, but lift slowly and endure the pain by the looks of it.”
“I’m well aware of the pain I’m going to have to go through.” She stands up and goes into the pantry bringing out a bottle of vodka. “I’m not doing this sober,” she says and begins pouring a large measure into a glass which she necks.
I can’t blame the girl. My eyes are watering just from watching the clips on the internet. “I don’t want to drink alone, Aid. Get drunk with me, will you? And I might cry if it’s really painful. I don’t have a high pain threshold at all.”
Given she once stubbed her toe and fainted I already know this. She definitely needs booze to survive.
“Pass me the bottle.”
An hour later, Kaylie’s face mask is still on and we’re both rat-arsed. So drunk that somehow I thought it was a good idea to put the face mask on myself because I’d decided it ‘couldn’t be as bad as she was making out’ and I’d show her how a man handled it.
I was trying to ease the edge of the mask off now and my eyes were stinging with tears, big proper fat tears.
“I think I’m going to have to live like this, Kay-bear. But it’s okay, cos if you keep yours on forever too then we won’t look so odd. There’s probably a whole heap of people who can’t remove them. We can set up a support network.”
“I’m tired and I want to go to bed so I’m doing it. I’m taking the motherfucker off.” Kay slurs and she starts edging it off her face. For the next five minutes I have never heard language like it from my best friend, not even when I puked down her best dress at her sweet sixteenth. But off it is. I watch as she swigs another ton of vodka and applies aloe vera gel to her face. Her very pink face.
“Come on, your turn. Then we need to go to sleep and block out the pain.” Kaylie moves her chair closer to mine and starts moving her hand near my face. I catch it in mine.
“Keep your hands to yourself,” I snigger. “I’m always having to say that to women.”
Kaylie sniggers back. “Don’t think you’d be getting the same reaction from your fan club right now.”
“I bet I still look hot.”
“Yeah, a hot mess. Now come on, I want to go to bed. You can stay on the sofa.”
“Oh no. I’m not staying on that disgusting thing that your flatmate’s shagged on. I’ll take this off if I can share your bed.”
“I only have a single!”
“Oh yeah. Well, I don’t care. I’ll need you to hold me, Kay-bear, cos I’m going to be in a whole lot of pain. It’s all right for you, women endure childbirth, you’ll have a higher pain threshold. I only have to be nudged in a testicle and I think I might die.”
“Fuck’s sake. Fine.” She pours me another vodka and puts it in front of me. “That’s for after.” Before I can think she’s yanked the mask from my chin exposing half of my cheek.
“Holy fucking mother of cunting God.” I leap up from the chair wafting air at my burning cheek.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Bastard.
“Holy Christ, I think I’m gonna faint, Kay.”
“We need to carry on, Aid. It’s the only way.”
I’m full on trembling as I sit back down on the chair. “As fast as you can and I apologise in advance for all my language and if I accidentally punch you to get you to stop.”
And then the most painful minutes of my life occur, and I’ve run a marathon at that.
I’m full on crying. The vodka has done seemingly nothing to dull the pain. “Who made this stuff?” I appeal to my friend.
“I don’t know, but I think we should put it in the bin.”
“It needs to be given to MI5 for when they’re interviewing terrorists. They’d get every secret ever in just a twitch of the mask.”
We make our way to bed and I fall onto Kaylie’s single and then I don’t remember anymore.
Except I wake the next morning, my skin still sensitive and a little sore, and my head a lot sorer. Thank goodness I’m not back at work until tomorrow. I wonder where Kaylie is. Maybe fixing our breakfast? It’s a shame I don’t remember us sharing the bed. I wonder if we spooned?
I hear the weirdest noise and I realise it’s the sound of heavy snoring. I get out of bed noticing I’m still fully clothed and follow the noise. Her flatmate’s room is ajar and I find Kaylie in her robe laid diagonal across the double bed. Her robe has come undone and she’s exposing her boobs and bush to the world. I have a decent look for a minute or two. I’m male, how many more times? Then I walk over and pull her robe across her covering her modesty. She groans but doesn’t wake.
Then I go and make myself a shit ton of coffee.
7
Kaylie
By the time I finish in the bathroom, Aiden is flat out on his back, snoring and taking up almost every inch of my pathetic single bed. Because if my life as a spinster isn’t constantly on my mind, I always have my bed for one to remind me that I have no one to cuddle me at night. I have two options, the sofa, which Aiden already helpfully reminded me I’d caught Cheryl at it on more than once, with not just her current boyfriend; or her bed. It smells like the sheets have been washed since she last slept here, another reason why I think she’s secretly moved out.
I fall on her bed, avoiding getting between the sheets just in case I’m wrong about them being clean.
The image of Aiden staring at my naked body runs through my mind before I fall asleep. I can’t help wondering what he really thought. If he was just saying what he thought I’d want to hear, or if he actually meant what he said.
The next morning, I wake to the smell of coffee flowing through the flat. My eyes flutter open and I wince at the amount of light shining through the open curtains.
Shoving my face into the pillow, my head pounds from the amount of vodka we consumed and I wince in pain and sit up.
“What the—” I gingerly touch my fingertips to my cheeks as the memory of the fucking face mask disaster hits me. Did anything go right last night?
“Morning,” I say, hesitantly walking into my own kitchen. Heat floods my face, not that I’m sure he’d notice seeing as it’s still glowing and missing a layer of skin. I’ve no idea if things will be awkward between us after last night. We definitely ventured into territory our friendship hasn’t been exposed to before.
“Morning, Kay-bear. How are you feeling?”
“Give me coffee. Strong, please.”
“That good?” he chuckles.
“I’ve no idea if I said it last night but thank you for rescuing me… again.”
“Trust me, the pleasure was all mine.”
“If we could please never mention it ever again that would be awesome.”
He makes a show of zipping his lips shut and throwing away the key like we used to do when we told each other secrets as kids, but the amusement still shining in his eyes makes me question if he’s telling the truth or not.
Aiden stays long enough for me to cook h
im bacon butties and then he heads off home before spending the rest of the morning sweating at the gym while I sit about and wait for an emergency plumber to fix the smashed sink and pipes in the bathroom. I phoned my landlord first thing, apologised profusely, and explained that I’d get it fixed ASAP. I know it’s not really my fault that the door got stuck but he’s already threatened to kick us out once before. I don’t want to give him a legit reason to do it again.
Once he’s finished and I have a working bathroom once again, minus a door for now, I take my sore and glowing face into town to make a start on my Christmas shopping.
I have a list but my biggest frustration every year is my brother. He has everything he could possibly need and enough money in case he remembers something he forgot to buy. Now he’s got a wife and a baby on the way. The lucky fucker really does have everything. Jealousy licks at my insides but I refuse to let it fester. Jenson’s had a tough few years what with his bitch of an ex-wife, and I can’t deny that he hasn’t worked his arse off to get his restaurant to where it is now.
I just sit down for lunch with a giant cappuccino and a panini when my phone vibrates in my pocket.
Swiping at the notification from the dating app, up pops a photo of a really good-looking guy.
“Now that’s more like it,” I mutter to myself, much to the amusement of the table next to me. I bet he doesn’t smell like rotten cabbage.
Name: Brett Mathews
Occupation: Paediatric nurse
Age: 32
Looking for: Something meaningful with a hint of fun
Not wanting him to find someone else in the seconds since he showed an interest in me, I give him a like and place my phone on the table in front of me, trying to not stare at it while hoping I might get a message.