I can’t help it. I lean in. Lips first.
22:10
Jason
‘Bottle of champagne,’ I shout to the barman. ‘Most expensive one you have.’
‘No, will ye bleeding stop,’ says Li. ‘Stop buying champagne, man — none of us enjoy it. What are you like?’
I just laugh. Out loud. Then I drag him in for another hug. A long one. So long, I even have time to wave the barman away from us over Li’s shoulder as he shows me another black bottle of champers. Probably the exact same piss I spent a grand on earlier.
‘That kid is going to be one lucky little shit having a dad like you,’ I say. And I mean it. I never lie. I may hold the truth back a lot. But I never lie.
‘Thanks,’ Li says, pulling back from the hug, staring into my face.
He can tell I’m tearing up.
‘Jeez… I’m not the only one to have a kid. Zach’s got two you know? Why the tears?’
‘I just… I’m just so happy for you,’ I say, as I wipe my eyes. ‘And…’ I pause. I’m not sure what to say. I can’t pour it all out. Not here. Not when Li can barely hear what I’m saying anyway over the loud music. I just hold a finger to each temple and let everything sink in. ‘I’m just not having a good time of it lately,’ I spit out. ‘But fuck it, your news has perked me right up. So… you’re gonna be a husband and a dad next year huh… unbelievable!’
‘Yeah — but keep it a secret, okay? Niamh doesn’t want anyone to know. Not until she’s past the three-month mark. Start of August, that’s when we’re telling everyone. ‘Sure you’ll be back in Newcastle by then, right? What date does the new season kick off?’
I pinch at my temples again. Close my eyes.
‘Jason… Jason, what’s wrong, mate?’
‘I’ve no contract, Li. I’m done. It’s over.’
I’ve been dreading telling anyone this. Mainly because I have no idea what I’m going to do. My agent has tried to pimp me around to other League One clubs, even League Two clubs. The consensus seems to be that I’m past it. The only way I can make money now is through celebrity appearances. But fuck that! Or I could do what Zach does – sell drugs. He thinks I don’t know. But of course I do. I’ve known for years. He came to me one day, palms up in apology.
‘Don’t overreact, but I’ve been…. I’ve been hanging around Alan Keating and that lot for the past while,’ he said. It wasn’t a surprise to me. Li had filled me in, told me those were the rumours doing the rounds in Drimnagh. ‘I kinda got myself into a bit of trouble… it’s fine. Nothing’s gonna happen to me. But eh… Alan, he eh… he wants to meet you. Just to have drinks with you. That’s it.’
I could have punched him in the face. It was one thing getting himself caught up in that sort of mess, but dragging me into it was close to unforgiveable. But there’s a bond between the three of us that means we never fall out, never fight. We’re devoted to each other, no matter how much of a prick Zach can be at times. I guess it all stems back to The Secret. We’ll always have each other’s backs no matter the circumstances.
‘He’s just a fan of yours. Would like to hang out, that’s all.’
So I did. I hung out with Alan Keating and his cronies. I still kinda do, every now and then. Just to keep the peace. I’m in no danger. They just enjoy the fact that they can hang out with a professional footballer. It makes them all feel a bit more significant. I have a couple of pints with them when I’m back in Dublin and have arranged a few match tickets for them every now and then. They’ve always been cool with me. Treat me well. But didn’t the newspapers get hold of pictures that were taken of us hanging out; splashed them across the front pages of their fucking papers.
‘Kenny And Keating: Best Buddies’ was the headline in one. I wanted to sue the arse off them but there was nothing to sue for. The article didn’t libel me, it didn’t really say anything, other than insinuate I was hanging around with Ireland’s most notorious crime lord. Which is exactly what I was doing.
I didn’t react, didn’t even release a statement acknowledging the article. I just let it slide. It was the talk of the town for a few days before the nation moved on to talking about something else. I’m sure it’s damaged my reputation somewhat. But it’s a good job I scored that jammy goal against Holland all those years back. It’s kept me relevant. If it wasn’t for that goal, I’d just be another washed up footballer nobody gives two shits about.
‘What do you mean no contract? Sunderland are letting you go? You’re their best player for fuck sake.’
Li looks shocked. His mouth is practically hanging open.
‘New manager, new ideas,’ I say, still holding my temples.
‘What are you gonna do?’
I shake my head. I don’t know the answer to Li’s question. I’ve played that question over and over in my head almost every hour for the past couple of months, but I genuinely haven’t come to a conclusion.
‘I’m just… I’m falling apart,’ I say, almost crying.
Li grabs a hold of me. Steadies me.
‘Jason, tell me what I can do to help. Anything. I’d do anything for you, mate.’
‘You’re all I have.’
‘You need somebody else, Jason. You need to find someone to settle down with. Hey — what about this Sabrina girl, you seem into her. And she’s lovely. I get on great with her. Why not give it a proper go? Not just a one-night thing, ask her out… see what can come of it.’
I shrug my shoulders. I get his line of thinking. It aligns with mine. That’s exactly what I’ve been stewing on for most of the night. Well, from the moment I first saw her. She could be the one for me, could be exactly what my life is missing.
‘Y’know what? Let’s fuck off to Newcastle,’ Li says. ‘You’re always at your most comfortable in your own home. C’mon, fuck it, Jason. The four of us. Me, you, Zach, Sabrina. Show her what you’re all about.’
‘Newcastle? Tonight? Sure I only came home yesterday.’
‘Yeah – but to hell with it. Look around you. Fuck this shit. Let’s go on an adventure. I’m with you. Show Sabrina your gaff, show her what she could have if she was to hook up with you.’
He’s talking shite. Must be the Baby Guinness. But without even thinking it through I find myself taking my phone from my jeans pocket and clicking into the Ryanair app.
22:15
Li
I’ve only ever seen Jason cry at his dad’s funeral. I know these are supposed to be happy tears. But I sense he’s not just crying because I told him I’m going to be a dad. There’s something else going on. I can always tell with Jason. I know he’s depressed, has been for the last couple of years.
‘I’ve no contract, Li. I’m done. It’s over.’
Wow. I didn’t see that coming. I can’t believe Sunderland don’t want to keep him on. He’s been the only one trying over the past couple of seasons. He gives his all to that club.
‘New manager, new ideas,’ he tells me as he stares down at his feet. He’s embarrassed telling me this. Feels as if he’s letting us all down. He’s so sensitive. He wears the weight of our expectation on his shoulders. Always has done.
‘What are you gonna do?’ I ask him.
He continues to stare at his feet — pinching his temples as if he’s trying to massage his troubles away.
‘I’m just… I’m falling apart,’ he says as the tears begin to fall down his face. I hold him in to me, so nobody else can see him crying.
‘Jason, tell me what I can do to help. Anything. I’d do anything for you, mate.’
‘You’re all I have,’ he sobs.
‘You need somebody else Jason, you need to find someone to settle down with… Hey — what about this Sabrina girl, you seem into her. And she’s lovely. I get on great with her. Why not y’know… give it a proper go. Not just a one-night thing, ask her out… see what can come of it.’
I’m not just feeding him this line to help him feel instantly better. Jason needs somebody. He needs a p
artner; a reason to get up every morning. He needs his Niamh.
Maybe this Sabrina girl is it. I know he could have any other girl in this nightclub, but I’ve seen the way he looks at Sabrina. I sensed his frustration when she walked up the stairs with Zach. I knew his heart was cracking bit.
‘Y’know what? Let’s fuck off to Newcastle. You’re always at your happiest in the comfort of your own home. C’mon, fuck it, Jason. The four of us. Me, you, Zach, Sabrina. Show her what you’re all about.’
I don’t know why I offer that as a remedy. I’m trying to think of ways he can impress the girl he’s into.
‘Newcastle? Tonight? Sure I only came home yesterday.’
‘Yeah – but to hell with it. Look around you. Fuck this shit. Let’s go on an adventure. I’m with you. Show Sabrina your gaff, show her what she could have if she was to hook up with you.’
He shakes his head, but I watch as he takes his phone out of his pocket and clicks into the Ryanair app.
‘There’s a flight at eleven thirty-five,’ he says, sucking up his tears. ‘What’s that… an hour and a half from now? Think we could make it?’
I nod my head and smile, but I’m not that enthused at all. I’m supposed to go to bloody Homebase with Niamh in the morning. She won’t be happy if I tell her I’m in Newcastle. But she’ll understand in time. She knows I’d do anything for Jason and Zach. Has actually mentioned to me a few times that she adores how loyal I am to my two best mates. It’s one of the reasons she fell in love with me. It makes her feel certain that I’d never hurt her. She trusts me and I trust her. One hundred per cent. She’s the only one I’ve ever told about The Secret. I couldn’t help it. Couldn’t bear to keep anything from her. I guess that’s true love.
‘Sweetie, I have something to tell you that I’m ashamed of — but no matter what, you have to promise you’ll keep it a secret,’ I said to her as we were lying in bed one night.
She took it well, just as I imagined she would. She kept repeating that we were young and dumb and didn’t know any better. She held me close, wiped my tears; made me a big fry up the next morning. We haven’t mentioned it since.
I’d already known I wanted to spend my life with her, but her handling of the biggest secret I will ever have confirmed it for me. I started to look for engagement rings online the next day. I had no idea how expensive they were. I thought of asking Jason for a loan but knew deep in my heart that there was nothing romantic about that. So I saved; put a hundred euro aside every month for a whole year until I could afford the ring I had picked out. I hope she likes it. I can’t wait to ask her to marry me; can’t wait to be a dad.
I’m the luckiest mother fucker alive. If only I could help Jason and Zach to be as happy as I am. But maybe none of us deserve to be happy. After all, we did ruin a young girl’s life. Perhaps karma already caught up with them, and is just around the corner waiting to pounce on me.
‘Fuck it!’ Jason says. ‘It’s booked. Four flights. She’s gonna think I’m a fuckin’ psycho, isn’t she?’
I laugh, not knowing what to make of it all. But I know I must be positive. This was my suggestion after all.
‘I think she’ll think it’s romantic,’ I say. But I don’t know what to believe. ‘Won’t we need our passports though?’ I say, sipping from my beer.
Jason shakes his head.
‘Nah.. just once you have photo ID you can catch a flight from Ireland to UK, right?’
I shrug my shoulders.
‘Think so, yeah. We’ll see what she says when they get back. So what exactly happened between you two at the Hairy Lemon anyway?’ I ask.
‘I asked her to go outside, couldn’t help myself. I pushed her up against the wall, started snogging the face off her. Then I bloody unzipped my jeans, asked her to stick her hand inside.’
I cringe. I’ve known Jason to be this up front before, but only with girls who give off the impression that that’s exactly what they’re after – Jason’s dick.
‘And…?’
‘Well she did, started jerking me for a while. But I felt guilty immediately. Couldn’t understand why I was being so disrespectful to a girl I actually liked.’
I blow out my lips, almost making a fart sound. Jason just laughs. At least I’ve cheered him up a bit.
Then I notice the eyes almost pop out of his head. I turn around to see what he’s staring at and catch her walking back down the steps, Zach lagging behind.
‘How the fuck are you gonna tell her you’ve just booked her a flight to Newcastle?’
I laugh as I ask this.
Jason repeats what I’d just done moments ago — blows out his lips and shrugs his shoulders.
‘I’ve no fuckin’ idea, mate.’
22:25
Sabrina
He’s a nice guy — I’m sure of it — but he didn’t half make me cringe throughout the entirety of that rickshaw ride. It was a cute attempt at trying to chat me up; certainly a new experience for me. Nobody’s ever tried to charm me that way before. But I did want to get off the rickshaw as soon as I got on it. It was blatant what was happening. He used every trick in the book. He started off with some God-awful cheesy lines I’m sure he read somewhere in a list online, and then opted to be all confident and cocky as if that’s what would win me over. When none of that worked, he gave me the sob story about his mother. It’s endearing that he looks after her, that he has a big heart. But I’m just not into him. Even if I wasn’t into Jason, there’s not a chance I’d hook up with Zach. He’s just not my type in any way. He’s too laddish, too immature, too short.
I’m beginning to feel the discomfort dissipating as if we both agree that nothing’s going to happen, that we can both just be friends. But that’s the moment he decides to lean in for a kiss.
‘Oi,’ I say laughing, trying to lighten the tension so he doesn’t get offended. But I feel I owe it to be straight with him; to be honest with him after he just opened up to me. ‘I’m sorry, Zach but… y’know. I’m kinda… I’m into Jason.’
I watch his chin fall to his chest. I reach out my finger and pick his chin back up so that he’s looking at me.
‘I’m sure you’ll make a wonderful girl happy some day,’ I say. ‘But it’s not me. I’m sorry.’
He smiles back, then motions that we should just head back inside.
I’ve no idea whether Jason is into me or not, so it’s a bit of a gamble going back in here. I’m half tempted to go home, but intrigue has a hold of me. I’ll probably walk in to see Jason pinning another girl up against the wall, his tongue circling her mouth just like it was circling mine a few hours ago. He probably has no intentions of getting to know me any further, but fuck it — I’ll give it a go. I keep reminding myself that I need to lighten up, that I need more fun in my life. Let’s see what Jason’s intentions really are. If he isn’t interested, I can just head home, which is what I was about to do anyway until he dragged me over for a drink with his mates. It’ll be no loss either way. In half-an-hours’ time I’m either gonna be hooking back up with a celebrity or I’ll be on my way home in a taxi. Win-win either way. Though I certainly know which win I’d prefer. Which is exactly why I find myself walking back down the stairs of Copper Face Jacks.
Any other time I’ve come in here, I’ve been with Eddie. I never quite understood why he used to bring me to this place. We’d spend most of our time standing at the edge of the dance floor, drink in hand, watching everybody else have a good time. He took himself way too seriously to dance. And that’s actually part of the reason I’ve chanced coming back in. I watched Jason dance earlier on — or attempting to dance. I love that he doesn’t take himself too seriously. I love that he’s the total opposite of Eddie in that respect. Though maybe he’s just as much as an untrustworthy bastard. I don’t know for certain how many times Eddie cheated on me, but I do know he would have fucked Lorna one night when she came on to him. She reported to me that his exact words were ‘fuck yeah!’ when she suggested bringing h
im back to her place. I wasn’t surprised when she told me. I just packed up my stuff, wrote him a note and closed the door behind me. He tried ringing me about ten times a day over the next week; even called up to my parents’ house with a bunch of flowers. My dad told him where to go. I haven’t seen or heard from him since.
I stare at his face, just to gauge his reaction as he notices me and Zach walking towards him and Li. His smile makes my stomach flip. I need to calm down. I shouldn’t be getting this excited, this carried away. But then again, love – or lust as it most probably is – isn’t really an emotion you can control.
‘Drink?’ Jason asks.
‘Sure. Red wine please,’ I reply. Zach doesn’t say anything. He just scratches his head, looking awkward, almost embarrassed. I wonder if Jason knew what Zach was about to do and it makes my heart race again. Maybe they’re all in it together. But as Jason grabs my hand and leads me towards the bar, my paranoia subsides. I can’t believe he is having such an effect on me. My emotions have been up and down all night.
‘Where’ve you two been then?’ he asks, as he rests his forearms on the bar.
‘Oh, lovely Zach took me out for a rickshaw ride.’
‘A fuckin’ rickshaw ride? — the old romantic.’
I squint at him, trying to understand what the fuck is going on. He pulls me in close, talks into my ear.
‘Don’t mind Zach. He just tries it on with any girl he thinks is pretty. I haven’t told him you and I had kissed.’
He leans back to gauge my reaction. I just squint again.
‘Listen, I like you. I do. Really like you. Don’t let Zach’s cheesiness put you off me. I’m nothing like him. We’re best mates, but total opposites.’
I bite my bottom lip, just to stop my mouth from smiling as wide as it wants to.
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