by Erica Hilton
“I used to live in Brooklyn when I was a child, and then my parents moved back to Harlem. My father was born and raised in Harlem. He only moved to Brooklyn because of my mother. They stayed for eight years, and then he couldn’t take it any longer.”
“It was too rough for him?”
“Nah, not even. Harlem is just as rough if not more ruthless than Brooklyn, but their priorities are different. And my father couldn’t understand the Brooklyn mentality.”
“And what mentality is that?”
“Well first off he couldn’t get down with the Five Percent Nation—”
“Me too!” Lil Nut replied, and then shook his head.
“But you hang with Lamiek.”
Lil Nut wanted to reply, but couldn’t. His stomach did somersaults because flashbacks of his mother being pistol-whipped flashed into his head. He knew what he had to do.
Samantha continued. “And he was used to men in Harlem making their own money to take care of their families. By the time a man turned eighteen, he was starting a business of some sort. Whether it was a record store, fish fry, or clothing store, they were doing it themselves. In Brooklyn, the common thread was taking money, not making money, and that’s not my father’s style. He’s old school.”
As Lil Nut listened he began to admire a man and lifestyle he didn’t know. And he also began to take interest in Samantha. Although her friend GG was cuter by any man’s standards, Samantha definitely had a head on her shoulders.
“What are your plans when you graduate?” he asked.
“I’m going to nursing school. I want to be an RN just like my mother.”
“You know, I don’t know not one person who’s in the medical profession,” Lil Nut replied. He looked off in space and began to think about what he wanted to do with himself. Eighteen was steadily approaching, and from what Samantha had said about her father, Lil Nut should be thinking about opening up a business or something. “You’re really impressing me tonight,” he said.
She smiled. “I really like you too.”
“Do you have a beeper?”
“No. My parents don’t like those, but you can call me on my house phone.”
“I’ma get you a beeper,” Lil Nut promised. “That way when I need you you’ll be there for me.”
Samantha was excited about how the night was turning out. She had permission to stay the weekend over GG’s house, and she hoped that she could see Lil Nut again before she went home on Sunday morning. After they exchanged telephone numbers, he leaned in to kiss her. Samantha thought about how soft his lips were as his mouth slightly parted and his tongue slid inside her mouth. Neither one of them heard the outside door open, but when the cold air enveloped them they both knew they had company. They stopped kissing and looked up to see two stocky men. Each had hoodies on their heads and their hands stuffed deeply into their pockets. Instantly Samantha was afraid.
One guy spoke up first. “Is this where the house party at?”
Lil Nut nodded.
“Yo, you look familiar,” the guy said to Nut. “Where I know you from? What’s your name?”
Lil Nut grimaced. “Nah, duke, you don’t know me.”
“You sure? I swear I know you from somewhere.”
As the guy spoke, both inched in closer and began to surround the couple. Lil Nut tried to put his hand on his gun, but was unsuccessful.
“Don’t move, motherfucker! Run your shit! And you too, bitch!”
Lil Nut and Samantha stood looking at two guns pointed directly at their heads. Lil Nut began to slowly take off his jacket. Inside he was burning. He couldn’t believe he was this stupid. He knew he was going to lose his life. He could see it in the eyes of the leader. Although he and Samantha gave them what they wanted, Lil Nut couldn’t shake what his gut was trying to tell him. He thought about his mother and how she would take the news of his murder. He thought about his father and how disappointed he’d be in him.
If he could do the night all over, after he jumped out of the car he never would have gone to the party knowing that his two friends had set him up last year. He should have left and waited in the cut, and then bodied both Lamiek and Lite. Why would he still go to the party and still be friends with the wolves? Now it was going to cost him his life.
Lil Nut knew that if he was going to leave this earth before his time, he was going to take someone with him. In one swift movement, he jumped in front of Samantha, reached for his gun, and began busting shots. But the leader was too quick. He squeezed off, and Lil Nut took one slug in the chest. As gunshots rang out in the small hallway, Samantha’s screams echoed.
When the smoke cleared, Lil Nut had managed to shoot off six rounds. The leader was grazed in his face, but it wasn’t a life threatening wound. The robbers fled the scene.
However, Lil Nut wasn’t so lucky. He lay in Samantha’s arms with his chest blown open, gasping for air. He couldn’t speak and could hardly keep his eyes open.
Samantha pushed him off her and ran inside the apartment to get help. She personally dialed 911 for the ambulance. When she hung up she ran back outside to comfort Lil Nut. His eyes glanced around wildly. Everyone stood around gawking at him, and this infuriated Samantha.
“Get out of his face!” she screamed as she took off her sweater and began to apply pressure to his wound. Noticing the gun, she picked it up and told Lamiek to get rid of it.
“GG, go inside and bring me a soapy rag!” Samantha screamed. “Hurry!”
GG did as she was told, and when she came back, Samantha began to wash the gun powder residue off of Lil Nut’s hands. If he lived, she didn’t want him to catch a case behind this robbery. All she kept thinking about was that GG’s brother Chris was behind it. Samantha knew how trifling he could be, and she knew he saw dollar signs when Lil Nut walked up into the house party.
As the paramedics wheeled Lil Nut out of the building, all Lamiek could think about was how his plan had gone terribly wrong. When he called his cousin Malik from Canarsie, Brooklyn, he gave him specific instructions. Those instructions were to come to the party, follow Lamiek, Lite, and Lil Nut out of the party, and rob all three of them. No one was supposed to get hurt. Definitely not murdered. And with all of them getting robbed, it would take suspicion off of Lamiek. When Lamiek and Lite got separated from Lil Nut, Lamiek quickly called his cousin to let him know the change in plans. There was no way Lamiek could let Lil Nut walk around in that coat when Lamiek didn’t have one.
Lamiek knew that if Lil Nut survived—and by the looks of him that was impossible—then Lamiek was a dead man walking. Lil Nut may be a lot of things, but stupid wasn’t one of them. Lamiek had pushed the envelope one time too many. And if Lil Nut hadn’t caught the slipup in the cab, he surely wouldn’t miss this setup.
***
To everyone’s amazement, Lil Nut’s young age helped him survive the attack. He had to stay in the hospital for three months, and only his mother was allowed to visit him. The police kept a 24-hour security guard posted outside his door just in case the men came back to finish what they’d started.
Lil Nut didn’t allow Samantha to visit him, but unbeknownst to everyone, they kept in touch by telephone. Samantha turned out to be an asset. Lil Nut was in the hospital for five weeks before he was strong enough to have a conversation. He had to go through extensive physical therapy, and for months he had a shit bag and also had to urinate in a cup, but his mother was there every step of the way.
When he finally did speak to Samantha, she had a wealth of information for him. She played GG by telling her that Lil Nut told her he was going to kill her once he got better, because he knew she set him up. This plan worked, because GG spilled the beans and told Samantha that she didn’t have to worry or look over her shoulders, because it was Lamiek who set up Lil Nut. That was a shock to Samantha, because she always thou
ght it was GG and Chris. Still, she didn’t know if this information was true, but she couldn’t wait to tell Lil Nut to see what he thought.
GG also said that Lamiek was going to try to get her Gucci bag and earrings back, but Samantha was no dummy. She knew GG was trying to sell her a dream. When GG told Samantha that as soon as Lil Nut got released from the hospital there was a ready-made killer waiting to murder him, Samantha was scared.
GG told her that Lamiek went to this big time drug dealer named Blue Bug and told him of Lil Nut’s plan to rob him, and Blue Bug promised to take care of Lil Nut. That way Lamiek wouldn’t have to put in the dirty work, and he also felt good knowing that his life wouldn’t be in any more danger once Blue Bug killed Lil Nut.
“That’s all the information I got. I hope it helps you stay safe,” Samantha explained to Lil Nut.
“Well most of it I already knew, but I’m glad that you confirmed it. I know what I got to do. I’ll be all right.”
Lil Nut couldn’t understand how he could fall in love with a girl he’d only kissed once, but he was sure that he did love her. Each day the thought of being with her for the rest of his life gave him the strength to work hard toward his rehabilitation. When his physical therapist told him to do one more round, he did two. He needed to get his strength back. He had a few scores to settle. Three, to be precise.
Finally Lil Nut was released from the hospital, only he didn’t head home. He went to stay with his Aunt Mary in Queens, away from the violence. Out of his mother’s two sisters, Mary was the one who had her shit together. He was still recuperating, and wasn’t ready for the big battle he would face once he showed himself on the streets again.
Samantha took the train and a bus over to his house, and as the days became warmer, their relationship blossomed. He realized he couldn’t keep putting Samantha off, pretending like he didn’t have the energy or strength to make love. She could tell that he was stronger than ever. In his aunt’s basement he bench pressed two hundred pounds. Although he was muscular before the shooting, he had bulked up even more. But Lil Nut was still nervous the first time they made love.
As he lay on his back on the small bench with two hundred pounds gripped in the palm of his large hands, Samantha came over, sat on his groin, and began to grind her pussy on his flaccid penis.
“What are you doing?” Lil Nut asked.
“What does it look like?”
Lil Nut just smiled as his dick began to respond. He put the heavy weight down and motioned for her to lie on the mattress that was on the floor in the corner. Quickly Samantha obliged.
“Take off your pants,” he instructed.
Samantha lay back and began to remove her pants and panties as Lil Nut towered over her. He removed his shirt, and she saw the large scar on his chest where the bullet had entered for the first time. That vision was quickly replaced when he took off his sweatpants and boxers and revealed a large, erect penis.
Neither one of them said a word as Lil Nut slowly positioned himself between Samantha’s legs. Applying steady pressure, he lowered himself deeper into her tight walls and began to thrust his hips in and out. Soft moans escaped Samantha’s mouth as his dick gently brushed up against her G-spot.
Samantha’s grip around Lil Nut’s waist got tighter as her pleasure increased. Her long fingernails began to dig into his firm, round ass, and he encouraged her by kissing her deeply and passionately. The young couple experienced an orgasm and lay still for long moments, reveling in their shared bliss. When Lil Nut grabbed Samantha and wrapped his strong arms around her waist, she felt loved.
3
“Never trust no-bo-dy. Your moms’ll set that ass up, properly gassed up. Hoodie to mask up, shit, for that fast buck she be layin’ in the bushes to light that ass up.”
—“Ten Crack Commandments,” Notorious B.I.G.
1986
What did I tell you?” Milton asked.
Lil Nut couldn’t believe his ears when he stepped outside of his aunt’s house and his father was standing there, on the side of his aunt’s fence, drinking a forty-ounce of Colt 45 malt liquor and holding a Bible. Lil Nut hated to admit it, but he was glad to see his father, although he wished it were under different circumstances. While in the hospital he’d asked his mother about his pops, but she still hadn’t seen him since the night he was kicked out. His mother reasoned that her husband didn’t want her to see him in his intoxicated state.
“And what was that again?” Lil Nut asked. He couldn’t melt at the sight of his father. He was a man and had to hold his head up.
“I told you that you’d find out who set ya ass up, didn’t I?”
Suddenly Lil Nut was furious. Had his father just told him from the jump who’d set him up, he wouldn’t have gone to the party with Lamiek and Lite, and he wouldn’t have taken a hot slug to the chest.
“What kind of father are you? If you knew who it was, it was your duty to tell me so that I could get at those niggas before they got at me.”
Milton shook his head. “It don’t go like that. If I tell you what you need to hear instead of teaching you what you need to learn, then you won’t survive one day out here in these streets.”
“Did you forget that a bullet opened up my whole chest? I almost didn’t survive!”
“That was part of the game that you signed up for, and the part that you can’t predict. That was part of the game that you’re supposed to feel. Animal instincts should have told you that you weren’t in the right environment. Don’t you know that once you get into the crack game you can no longer think like an average man? Not when there are wolves out there gunning to either take your spot, your life, your cash, or your woman. You gotta think like a beast!”
“I’m trying,” Lil Nut whined. He sounded defeated. He sat down on the stoop and hung his head low. He felt like such a failure after being robbed twice, shot, and then whisked away to his aunt’s house, hiding from his peers, far away from his neighborhood.
“We need to have a talk. We should have had this talk a while back, but there’s no time like the present. You see, everything you need to know is right here.” Milton shook the worn Bible that he had in his hand. “There are Ten Commandments for this crack game, and if you follow each one, then you will be one of the very few who are able to get in the crack game and get out without being murdered or incarcerated.”
“Pops, that’s the Bible.”
“I know what this is. Don’t you know that this here holds a wealth of knowledge? The Old Testament is what I live by.” Milton opened his Bible and began reading Proverbs, Malachi, Daniel, and Psalms.
After Lil Nut listened to his father in great length he was able to see his mistakes, and also deduce that he would have made even more mistakes had his father not taken the time to come to Queens to school him. He asked his father to come inside, but he refused.
“Where are you going to go this late at night?” Lil Nut asked.
“I got something I need to handle. Should have taken care of this a long time ago. . . .”
Again he just walked off, not asking for any money or food. There was a great emptiness inside the pit of Lil Nut’s stomach as he watched his father glide down the block. He wanted to run after him and tell him that he was sorry for pulling out a gun—his father’s own gun—on him. He wished he could rewind back to the time when he still lived in a two-parent home. He wondered briefly if he should have told his father about how his mother would take him back if he walked through the door sober. Then he realized that his father probably already knew that.
***
The hysterical voice on the other line could have only been one woman. His mother. Lil Nut listened to the barely discernible voice tell him that his father was found murdered in the back of their building from two bullet wounds to the back of his head.
“He was what?”
> “They killed my man . . . they killed him!” Julie screamed into the phone.
“Did you just say someone killed my father and left him like trash in the back of our building?”
“He was a good man, once . . .”
“Ma, don’t cry. I’m gonna find out who did this. I’m coming back to handle it,” Lil Nut said reassuringly. This was the second time he promised a parent he would take care of a situation, and he wasn’t gonna let this promise slide.
“No! You stay right where you are!”
“I’m coming home,” he stated with conviction.
“What did I say?” Julie demanded. “This was all over you, I’m told. Blue Bug had two of his spots robbed this past week, and everyone said that it was you. I heard that Blue Bug is scared to death that you’re planning to kill him, so he wants you dead first. They said that he killed your father to bring you out of hiding.”
“Who told you that?”
“You know Leslie from the fifth floor gets all the gossip. She’s the one who knocked on my door and told me about your father.”
Julie began to sob heavily into the phone. She couldn’t believe that someone had snatched away the love of her life. Julie always believed he would eventually come home to her. She prayed each night for God to watch over him while he was on these streets and to bring him back home to her. Now someone had taken away her future.
“They said that he’d just put his name on the waiting list for the rehab center up on Nostrand Avenue,” Julie told her son. “He didn’t deserve to die like that.”
Lil Nut wondered how much of a role his father played in getting himself murdered. When he walked off yesterday he said he had something that needed to get done. There were so many unanswered questions, which Lil Nut knew wouldn’t get answered while he was hiding out in Queens. The pain and angst he felt was so palpable that he could have literally killed someone with his bare hands. If they wanted a war, he was prepared to give them one. If they thought he was sweet and wouldn’t seek revenge, they were wrong.