“Paul can make a pretty good first impression if you give him a long time to prepare, like what happened with Dewey. The problem is that he has poor situational awareness and doesn’t function well in an emergency. If we’re going into the Chippewas, we might end up in all sorts of perilous situations where he’d just get in the way – if not worse.”
“Dude, that’s harsh,” Hax eventually said to me.
“Well, it’s true.”
“I think you’re looking at it the wrong way. With Paul’s abilities on our side, the odds that we’ll have to deal with an emergency at all will drop. Being bad in a crisis is less important if your very presence prevents crises,” he explained. If I were still in my Aux worshiping days, I may have thrown a fit at Hax contradicting me like this, but recent months had given me many a reason to hear people out and to believe that I didn’t actually know everything.
“Could you go into more detail on the whole crisis prevention angle?”
“Certainly. Say you need to assault a compound full of fanatical chthons. Instead of risking a valuable human, why not send in a swarm of mites to reconnoiter? You can just blow them up if they get caught, whereas you and I don’t have that luxury.”
I silently nodded.
“Humans are precious, and summoned daemons are cheap. If we make full use of Paul’s skills, I guarantee you they’ll pay off.”
And there goes the last of my ability to reject Haxabalatnar’s advice! After that, we had a brief chat with Agnus about how to incorporate Paul into the group.
“You know, I wasn’t entirely sure what Paul was bringing to my fair city, but if he’s going with you, then that’s kind of a moot point,” Agnus said after Hax and I had told him we’d accepted his proposal. “That’s partially why I recommended him in the first place.”
“That doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence. But Hax seems to like Paul, which is why I’m here, instead of sulking in my apartment,” I quipped.
“Don’t worry about it! Paul’s a great summoner. He’ll do what you ask, and he’ll do it well.” Agnus stopped to pick…something from his teeth. I knew better by now than to ask about the specifics.
“How did you find out about Paul, anyways?” I ended up asking Agnus, hoping to keep things innocuous and at least tangentially related to business.
“Funny story about that! You see, I was having a good time at the local brothel-”
Whoops. Well, I don’t think Agnus is going to stop being Agnus any time soon.
“...and so, once I’d done my dirty business,” he continued, presumably having rattled off a Kama Sutra’s worth of sexual exploits in the last few seconds, “I asked my lover why she kept shouting out this one guy’s name when I was fucking her. You know how she justified herself?”
“She said, ‘Paul Gustafsson,’” interrupted Haxabalatnar. He’d apparently heard this story before. We both leered at each other.
“And it was the only thing she could say! Later, I found out that I’d apparently broken her brain with my skills in bed. There aren’t a lot of people can withstand my prowess when I really get going, much less love daemons.” Agnus looked wistful for a brief moment.
“I miss Terrorize and Ravage, can’t you tell? Maybe I’ll get to see them again someday, if Sigmar invades.” Agnus didn’t sound like he was looking forwards to the last part. Then again, if you can’t have nuanced opinions about things, what’s the point of being the Lord of Vice? We maintained a reverent silence for a few seconds.
“I have to prepare for our mission, so if you don’t need me, I’ll be going,” I said to Hax and Agnus. Since Paul’s presence on our expedition to the Chippewas was a given, they didn’t need me, and I returned home to find Azure making a pan of shakshuka. I still wasn’t excited about Paul joining us, but I’d got my caring about that out of the way. It was time to focus on more pleasurable things. Guess I’m becoming more like Agnus every day.
“So, how are you feeling about the trip to the Chippewa Mountains?” Azure whispered into my ear.
We were nestled together in bed again. It couldn’t last forever, since girls have to get up and make themselves breakfast in the morning (and go slay daemons, too!), so we had to make the most of our limited time. After we’d done that, I had no choice but to throw out a set of thoroughly drenched bedsheets – before you look at me like that, it is my solemn duty as the (former) leader of a coven to relate my continued magical exploits. That’s how good Azure is in bed. Maybe it’s the love, maybe it’s the titan mind magic. What’s the difference?
Azure’s question belonged to an era of fresh linens and a bowl of lightly salted popcorn. I’m certain historians will remember these when they tell schoolchildren of the future of how we set out to retrieve Amdahl’s Arbalest from the crazed cultists of the Chippewas. At the moment, I was feeling pretty good about our odds, and I realized I had a really dopey grin on my face.
“Judging by your face, you seem pretty optimistic,” she continued. I guess it was pretty obvious.
“What can I say? What we lack in manpower, we more than make up for in quality – and I’m not just saying that because you’re in earshot.” That earned me a warm hug.
Despite trying to exhaust myself with Azure, I woke up in the middle of the night and found I was unable to return to sleep. Azure looked like she was out cold, but for all I knew, she could’ve been faking it for shits and giggles. Either way, I didn’t want to disturb her. I got out of bed and took a long hard look at my surroundings. Between the tasteful wood grain accents on my furniture and a wardrobe that was beginning to burst at the seams from the return of my retail shopping escapades, it was obvious that I’d built up my life anew in hell. I even had perks that hadn’t showed up before, like a steady girlfriend. Tomorrow morning (actually, this morning, I realized once I looked at my alarm and noted with some consternation that it’d passed midnight), I was going to throw away my middle class professional life for a second time to go titan hunting. At least this time I had a friend I could trust.
A silver gleam caught my eye, and I thought back to my attempts to develop my swordplay. That had been surprisingly brief – I’d drawn steel for the first time when Sigmar invaded the Aux coven’s offices and put it down only when forced to by Nicholas’s ill-advised assassination attempt. Agnus had returned my sword to me shortly after I officially started working for him, where it had immediately gone into a stand on my apartment’s wall while I focused on learning other disciplines. I hadn’t decided whether or not to take the thing with me. On one hand, if I ran out of ammunition, I couldn’t very well go around pistol whipping the denizens of hell. On the other hand, if I didn’t take the sword, I could pack extra ammunition...which wouldn’t necessarily be helpful in a close combat situation, but did that matter as much when I was learning how to punch things under Mindy’s watchful tutelage?
After staring at the wall for about five minutes, I decided it was best not to bring the sword. After all, if the last century or so of human warfare is any indication, it’s completely obsolete. Best to pack some sort of baton, or at least a nice utility axe if you’re expecting close combat. Bayonets, perhaps, but those don’t really fit on pistols. Beyond that, it seemed that some of hell’s denizens were thoroughly unprepared for the new face of warfare modernists like myself and (shudder) Sigmar favored. Was Sigmar actually a modernist? He sure as hell wasn’t a reactionary. Trivialities aside, if I was going to retrieve the Arbalest and kill Sigmar, it certainly wasn’t going to be by retreating into my old habits. Sometimes, you have to cast things to the wind.
“Okay, I’ve had my fun in dreamland. What’s keeping you up, Charlotte?” I guess Azure really was faking the whole sleep thing. Now that she’d decided she was done, she’d gotten out of bed and was standing behind me.
“Should I bring my sword when we go up to the Chippewas?” I asked her, even though I’d already decided not
to and was hoping she’d get the broadcast.
“You should come back to bed with me and think about it in the morning,” she responded. That sounded reasonable on the surface, but I had a vague sensation that something more than my current antics were keeping her up. Why did I feel that way? I mean, Azure was a telepath, so maybe she was hoping I’d probe in? I had to try! Seeing her unhappy was a profound mood killer in a way I’d never really experienced before in a relationship.
“I’m glad I don’t have to worry about loading up on weapons,” Azure mumbled, her hands idly brushing across my back. “I’m just hoping that I don’t hold you guys back when things inevitably turn violent.” Was that it?
“I don’t think you should worry about that. I’m still kind of a novice at actual combat myself. Most of my previous kills were ritual sacrifices,” I said. Now, I’m not an expert at assuaging other people’s fears (remember, I mostly left that sort of stuff to Sarah and my lieutenants), but I had to start learning somehow, even if it’s only by trial and error.
“You killed Hyperion, though. I’m pretty sure that was actual combat.”
“No, I distracted Hyperion for a little bit. Terminal dealt the killing blow.” Merely saying that gave me an idea, though. “So, Terminal and I were never really on great terms, but we managed to work together as a team,” I began. “Now, we’ve got four people who are the best of friends-”
“Except you don’t like Paul.”
“But I’ve collaborated with him professionally before, so it doesn’t matter what I think of him. The point is, we’re a team.” Saying that didn’t feel right, but I thought I could steer our discourse in the right direction.
“We’re each bringing our own skill set to the team, and that alone makes us more effective than if we were to go our separate ways. If you’re ever feeling unsafe, we’ll protect you. I know I will, anyways.” Offering Azure my protection felt better. It made her smile, at least.
“I bet you guys appreciate having my data gathering and mind reading skills on your side, too,” she said. I nodded.
“And if having us protecting you isn’t enough, well... You’ve been training your own martial arts skills with us. You’re way ahead of where you were when we started! You’re definitely ahead of the schmucks in the backwoods who probably haven’t been practicing at all.”
“Well, I don’t know about that-”
“Beyond that, you’re a titan. I’ve only seen you using your powers for communication, but there’s got to be more than that.”
Azure’s loving gaze suddenly took on that interrogative focus that I’d rarely seen since our first meeting. Usually she’s more subtle about the telepathy these days.
“Take my hand, Charlotte,” she commanded. To be fair, it was her hand. I would gladly hold it in any circumstance. When I did, I was rewarded with sudden, ecstatic buoyancy. Azure then casually levitated off the ground, taking me with her through sheer force of will. She stopped lifting us after about a foot, which was probably for the best given that my bedroom had a ceiling.
“You’re an angel, Azure!” It wasn’t my wittiest repartee, but I was already preoccupied with all the ways we could have fun with this negation of gravity shtick.
“I’ve never tried this before, and I don’t think I can hold it for more than a...minute...” And just like that, we dropped to the floor. That had still been a pretty neat thirty seconds.
“Any chance you can wear that fancy angel dress the next time you try that?” I asked. Between the romance, the growing sleep deprivation, and the shock of experiencing Azure’s titanic powers in such a novel way, my ability to focus on the important stuff was slipping. I guess the pep talk about teamwork had drained more out of me than I’d initially thought.
“I’ll try, but that thing’s a pain to wash,” she responded. “I need to give the flying trick more practice, anyways.”
“I’ll say. Is it just flying you’re going to add to your repertoire?”
“I can also throw thunderbolts. That’s not really something I can safely demonstrate here, though. You’ll have to take my word for it.”
That sounded incredibly useful, and I wondered why Azure hadn’t told me about this before.
“If you must know, I’m helping Agnus set up a magical firing range in my spare time. He’s planning to open it to the public soon. It probably won’t get many customers,” she explained.
“It might be a good place to test certain types of spellscripts, too,” I added.
“I’m feeling better about tagging along now. I’m still going to work on my skills as much as I can, though.” Disaster had been averted yet again.
“That’s the spirit!” I responded, half-stifling a yawn in the process. I made a mental note that I needed to do the same thing if I wanted the expedition to succeed.
I’m guessing Azure’s pretend-sleep was less troubled now that she’d shed some emotional baggage. Unfortunately, though, I can’t confirm this. By the time I got myself back into bed, I conked out almost immediately, and didn’t wake up until my alarm went off. It was finally departure day, and things were about to get challenging.
CHAPTER FIVE
“In the long run men hit only what they aim at. Therefore, though they should fail immediately, they had better aim at something high.” - Henry Thoreau
Maybe it’s the gender roles speaking, but I am not much of a mountain man. Minnesota is mostly flat, notwithstanding the parts submerged in water. Most of the places I’ve vacationed have been free of mountains, as well. To be honest, I wasn’t particularly in favor of visiting the things back in the day – high altitudes get cold, and winters are already severe enough in Minneapolis. Why risk life and limb for mere elevation? Clearly, this must’ve been before I first delved into the dark arts. If our expedition into Hyperion’s old lands and the Chippewa Mountains is any indicator, I will gladly risk life and limb for a shot at overwhelming magical power.
After setting out from Agnus’s court, it did not take long for the plains surrounding us to lump and slope and cease to be plains. It really wasn’t so bad walking up and down these hills now that my body had acclimated to significant levels of physical activity. None of my companions seemed phased by the admittedly increased difficulty of travel, either. Paul whistled something that may have, at one point, resembled music, Haxabalatnar kept a measured pace, and Azure...was floating over the ground for some reason.
“Stop doing that! It makes us look mundane by comparison,” I playfully snapped at her. She took one look at me and laughed at this.
“Silly humans. I’d like to say you’ll never compare to the majesty of a titan, but these days, I’m not so sure.” Azure walked normally from that point, at least when she thought we weren’t looking. I occasionally saw her lift off the ground out of the corner of my eye. At least she was practicing her skills like she promised.
We set up camp for the evening in a field of literal bluegrass. A few peaks were already visible in front of us. They didn’t look especially tall, but it wasn’t going to be long until we had to traverse them.
“I don’t know about you guys, but I never saw bona fide blue grass on Earth,” I announced. Haxabalatnar snickered at this.
“Between the skies above, the ground below, and the ever present magical energy, grass in hell can look one color, be another, and swear at you in the most colorful language you’ll ever hear,” he explained. Talking grass I can understand, at least in hell, but the rest strains credibility.
It occurred to me that this would be the closest thing I’d get to a vacation until Sigmar was dealt with. I doubt any travel agencies would see it the same way, but an occasional change of scenery can do wonders for my mental health. Maybe mountain life wasn’t so bad, after all. Not the worst place to go questing for titanic artifacts! Plus, I’ve got friends and a skilled auxiliary to help me out here.
Ther
e was one other thing we were hoping to do in the mountains. With Agnus’s help, we’d learned more about the shady mining operation Edgar had mentioned in his annotated atlas. It was centered in a town called Las Médulas. Apparently, the incomprehensible gobbledygook hell name didn’t deter its hardy inhabitants from making a decent living off the mineral wealth of the Chippewas. In recent years, it’d managed to draw the attention of cash rich, resource starved Earth corporations, who took the opportunity to intensify production; in the process, they ruined the town’s relationship with the cultists guarding the Arbalest. Agnus wanted us to see if they’d be willing to help us, and also to see if we could get in on their ore market.
“Hematite is delicious. See if they have any of that,” he’d asked as we were discussing it with him. Luckily, I’d acclimated to Agnus’s unique dietary preferences many months ago, but I was still hoping his interest in Las Médulas wasn’t exclusively culinary.
The foothills remained gentle for a while, so I tried to enjoy it while I could. Things were still pretty easy. We occasionally had the benefit of a trail to guide us, or at least navigable landmarks to orient ourselves. We gradually picked up altitude and made our way into rougher terrain. I hoped that the dangers up ahead would continue to be Earthlike, but I couldn’t count on it. At this point, I had a good strategy for dealing with magically contaminated places, such as acidic swamps, burning bushes, living mountains, industrial waste: avoid them all unless absolutely necessary. It’s probably not the strategy you were looking for, but it’ll keep you alive and happy. It also keeps you far from all the places of exploitable power, but they always say that power corrupts...
A few days in, I woke up and was immediately startled by just how much the temperature had dropped. The blue grass was blanketed in blue snow! I remembered that Hyperion’s domain was a cold place. I’d prepared for this when I went out and murdered her with Sigmar’s coven, and we’d prepared for it a second time by packing plenty of warm clothing. As I suited up for what was likely to be a frosty slog, I noticed that someone had texted me in the middle of the night and looked to see what sort of message I’d received.
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