“I haven’t been to Earth since I was an infant. Is it dangerous?” I know I shouldn’t have trouble with the idea of hell-born humans, but Hax of all people? I expected him to at least visit occasionally. He seemed to earn the salary for it.
“We’ll be gentle,” Azure told him. She stopped briefly to wink at me and make her hair crackle again.
“Getting back to the task at hand... What do we know about the so called ‘Forest of Glass?’” asked Hax, pointing to it again in case we forgot where it was.
“If the people at Rand McNally know anything, it’s literally made out of glass. It could probably shatter in an instant if we’re not careful,” I quipped. “Still safer than trudging through rotting intestines, though.”
I wasn’t exactly looking forwards to entering Sigmar’s lands through the Forest of Glass, but I doubted it was going to be the worst forest I’d ever visit. It wouldn’t measure up to that one spring break in college where I went hiking with friends in the jungles of Costa Rica. Not being able to comprehend the language is one thing; rainforest hiking is another. I’d gladly take my chances with the glass shards as long as I don’t have to go back there.
We wrapped up the strategy meeting after a while, allowing me to get back to playing with the Arbalest. Haxabalatnar remained at base camp because he wanted to plot some routes and update Agnus on the situation at hand, leaving only Azure and a few transient miners as witness to my experimentally augmented spellscripting.
When I’d cast my first spell from Amdahl’s Arbalest, I’d established two things: it supported spellscripts out of the box, but it amplified their results almost beyond recognition. This sounded good, but there were instances where finesse and precision were more important than brute force.
There had to be a way to take advantage of the Arbalest’s energy efficiency in addition to its throughput. I started by shuffling through my scripts to see how it handled various types of logic. The results were...logical, to say the least. The Arbalest launched magic missiles of astonishing size, conjured enormous objects out of thin air (my old spellknife became a straight up broadsword), and turned what was supposed to be a single mite into a terrifying swarm I could barely control. Lucky that I’d dummied out the explosive logic before running that script. After that, I refrained from testing enchantments for fear of permanently twisting myself into an eldritch monstrosity.
My next step was to test some of the debugging tools on my phone to see if I could dial things back. If you didn’t know better, you’d think the fact I managed to acquire a working code stepper for my phone’s scripts was magic in and of itself. This turned out to be an exceedingly bad idea, though, as I found out when I used the stepper to pause my standard magic missile halfway through its creation.
“That thing is draining ambient magic! Get rid of it before it destroys us!” shouted Azure. I frantically pawed at my cell phone to make it continue and ignore all the breakpoints I’d carefully set. A huge, viscous glob of energy blasted off into the distance. I didn’t envy anyone in that thing’s path. I wasn’t going to code step again. What if I couldn’t stop my phone in time?
The next attempt was to try throttling the entire spellscript runtime. This wouldn’t help me if I had to run compiled code from the Arbalest, but I was willing to try anything to get something I could safely use at this point. I loaded up the magic missile script, and then forced my phone to run a bunch of useless crud in the background – games, a web browser, and so forth. Multitasking is great, isn’t it? I was aiming to chew up about 90% of the CPU. Instead, my phone hung without even a single spark of Arbalest magic. After a brief, featureless blue screen, the phone rebooted itself. No data loss, but I was not in the mood to set up my spellscripting environment again after such constant failure, so I unplugged it from the Arbalest, walked over to a convenient rock, and sat down.
“Hey, Azure. You’re magical. Maybe you can get some results out of the Arbalest?” I shouted because despite her moment of fear, Azure had decided to run around in the fields like a child. I wished I didn’t have so much work on my plate, so that I could join her. Luckily for me, she made her way over, albeit with some unnecessary ornamental zigs and zags in her trajectory.
“What do you think I can do with it that you can’t?” she asked. It sounded rather more earnest than I was expecting.
“Uh...modesty and restraint? I’m trying to control the intensity of my casting, and it’s not working. The Arbalest just goes full blast.”
“Sure, I’ll give it a shot.” She walked over the Arbalest, and was about to grab it when an overwhelming force knocked me to the ground. It took me a few seconds to resolve my confusion before I considered getting up-
NO.
Something had implanted a word directly into my brain. It didn’t sound like Azure – in fact, it didn’t sound like anything, at all! Were it not so unlike my own mental voice, I would’ve mistaken it for my own thoughts-
YOU ARE FORBIDDEN TO WIELD THE MOST HOLY AND OMNIPOTENT ARBALEST OF GENE AMDAHL.
What? Now, of all times? My understanding of how these magical super weapons are supposed to work is that either you’re immediately not allowed to use them, or you’re never prevented from doing so.
NOT YOU, BUT YOUR COMPANION.
“Uh, Charlotte, has the Arbalest spoken to you before?” Azure was alive and capable of speaking, apparently. I rolled over to see that she was brushing dirt off her arms. Guess she was taking the Arbalest’s psychic attack better than I was.
“Not a word,” I responded. I felt a little stiffer and sore in new places, but I didn’t feel like I’d suffered any lasting damage.
“Well, it’s not answering the questions I’m transmitting, so do you mind asking it what the heck is up?”
“I think it can hear us...” I said before a new sequence of words imprinted itself on my mind.
OF COURSE I CAN HEAR YOU. I AM THE ARBALEST, NOT A DEAFMUTE.
“...and it’s got an attitude.”
YOU WOULD HAVE AN ‘ATTITUDE,’ TOO, IF THIS SO-CALLED TITAN WERE TO RUB ITS FILTHY PAWS OVER YOU.
“What.” Azure didn’t care for this shit, either, clearly.
“Azure is my girlfriend. I very much enjoy it when she touches me.” I couldn’t help blushing, but I’m sure Azure would appreciate me sticking up for her, and our relationship.
I AM BEGINNING TO REGRET THAT YOU ARE ALLOWED TO ACCESS THE POWERS OF THE ARBALEST.
“Yeah, about that – you’ve got a problem with my sexuality all of a sudden?”
NO, I MEAN THAT-
“What could you possibly stand to gain from standing between us?”
SILENCE!
I suddenly felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I basically had been! I doubled over for a second before realizing that for all its power, the Arbalest hadn’t hit me all that hard. Still abusive as hell, though.
I WILL NOT STAND BETWEEN YOU AND THE TITAN, IF THAT IS YOUR WISH. BUT I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO BE DESECRATED BY ITS FOUL TOUCH.
Okay, so at least the Arbalest wasn’t homophobic? Talk about a hollow victory.
“Why am I allowed to wield the Arbalest, and why is Azure locked out?” I asked it.
YOU WON YOUR RIGHT TO WIELD MY POWERS BY DEFEATING MY PREVIOUS CUSTODIANS IN RIGHTEOUS, HONORABLE COMBAT.
That was so utterly nonsensical that I doubled over again, this time from laughter. Azure rushed to my side, but backed off slightly when she realized I hadn’t been sucker punched a second time.
“Okay, we have very different definitions of what constitutes ‘honorable’ combat. Besides, I wouldn’t have been able to claim you without Azure’s help,” I told the Arbalest.
“It was a team effort. It took dozens, if not hundreds of people to bring down the cult of Amdahl,” Azure added.
THEY WOULD NOT HAVE SUCCEEDED WERE IT NOT FOR YOUR EXPERT INFILTRATION
, CHILD OF AUGUST.
“Hold on, ‘Child of August?’” Where did this come from?
YOU KNOW LITTLE OF YOUR LINEAGE FOR A HUMAN. YOUR ANCESTOR RULED YOUR HOMELAND NOT LONG AGO.
“I’m pretty sure my family isn’t involved in Minnesota politics in the slightest.”
I MEANT THE KINGDOM OF GREECE.
“Greece is a republic.”
NOT FOR MOST OF THE 20TH CENTURY, BY HUMAN RECKONING.
“Look, if my family was involved in any sort of politics, they would’ve told me. I think you’re just trying to distract me from asking more important questions, like why you’re sentient.”
WHY ARE YOU SENTIENT? WHY IS YOUR TITAN FRIEND SENTIENT?
“I’m pretty sure that human and titan intelligence evolved gradually over time. Stop dodging the question.”
THE QUESTION IS FUTILE. I DO NOT KNOW THE ANSWER. I AM MERELY THE ARBALEST.
“You know, I’m telepathic enough to hear the entire conversation. The least you could do is acknowledge me,” interrupted Azure.
PLEASE INFORM THE TITAN THAT ITS INTERFERENCE IS NOT PERMITTED.
“Better question. Why do you care who uses your power in the first place?” I asked.
DO YOU REALLY WANT THE POWER OF THE MOST HOLY AND OMNIPOTENT ARBALEST OF GENE AMDAHL TO FALL INTO THE HANDS OF EVIL?
“Azure isn’t evil! Are you nuts? You need to apologize for that.”
TYPICAL HUMANS. YOU ARE, BY FAR, THE MOST WRETCHED AND EVIL RACE TO WALK THE EARTHS. OF COURSE YOU WOULD BE ATTRACTED TO THE TITANS, WHOM IN THEIR OWN DEPRAVITY SEE YOU AS A MODEL WITH WHICH TO FURTHER CORRUPT THEMSELVES.
“I’m going to wait this out at our base camp, Charlotte. The Arbalest is still treating me like shit, and I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life. Tell me if you manage to reason with it when you get back,” Azure said. She walked off, looking rather more dejected than before.
AS I WAS SAYING, IT IS FOR THE GREATER GOOD THAT I DO NOT SLAVE MYSELF TO THE TITAN.
“You didn’t seem nearly as moralistic when I found you in the depths of Mount Amdahl.”
DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU WHY MY FOLLOWERS DID NOT ATTEMPT TO USE MY POWERS TO DEFEND THEMSELVES AGAINST YOUR ONSLAUGHT?
That had initially confused me, in fact. The most likely explanation, though, was that the cultists were too blinded by their own devotion to make use of their holiest artifact. I highly doubted that the Arbalest’s explanation was any better.
THEY KNEW THAT IF THEY WERE TO CLAIM MY POWERS FOR THEIR OWN USE, THE ORIGINAL SIN IN THEIR HEART WOULD LEAD THEM INTO TEMPTATION, AND THEN BLASPHEMY, AND THEN AN UNENDING CIRCLE OF DEATH THAT WOULD CONSUME THE EARTHS.
As I suspected, I wasn’t convinced. Also, if humans are so evil, and the Arbalest only wants to be used for good (its definition of good, whatever that might be), then why would I be allowed to use the damn thing? I’m no saint.
MAY I PLEASE SHOW YOU A VISION?
“You’re asking my permission?”
A BEING CAN ONLY IMPROVE ITSELF IF IT CONSENTS TO DOING SO.
“Can you send it to my phone? I’ll plug it back into your USB connector.”
THE WISDOM I INTEND TO BEAR UPON YOU REQUIRES MORE BANDWIDTH THAN THE USB IMPLEMENTERS FORUM HAS SEEN FIT TO STANDARDIZE.
“It has USB 2.0. Are you sure about that?”
I HAVE ACCOUNTED FOR THIS. I AM WELL AWARE OF THE REVISION’S SPECIFICATIONS.
“Okay, fine. This day hasn’t been strange enough already.”
YOUR PORT IS SPECIAL AND WILL PERFORM ADMIRABLY.
I wasn’t sure what else I could do, so I walked up to the Arbalest and placed my wrist upon its carapace. Without any fanfare, my surroundings, and my very identity changed. I was now Elxsi, Keeper of the Sentinel, and one of the highest ranking members of the cult of Amdahl. I was also now deceased (at least from Charlotte’s perspective in the future, if not directly by her hand), but I tried not to dwell on that. I resided in a war room, debating with the rest of the Supreme Vector how we would defend the holy relics of Gene Amdahl from growing threats across the hells.
“Sigmar is the most dangerous titan lord to arise in a century! We must focus our efforts upon disrupting his armies so that his power does not grow further,” I informed them. As was customary, we took a moment to contemplate the input received before offering output.
“Sigmar is nothing if not pragmatic,” responded Douglas Schafer, the sole human incorporated into the Vector. “He has no need for Amdahl’s powers and will not threaten us if we do not interfere with his goals.” Input received.
“The conglomerate in Las Médulas is sending prospectors into our corner of the Chippewas. Any chance we can tell them to fuck off?” Input received. Khazmodox grew up in the court of Fat Agnus, and his strange mannerisms bear traces of the human culture that seeps out from that realm.
“I believe the current level of deterrence will suffice for the moment,” I responded. “We should not spread our resources too thin, so unless they escalate their efforts, it would be best to maintain the status quo.”
“If we avoid Sigmar, like we should, it will free us up to deal with the adventurers who seek to claim the Arbalest.” Input received. Why was I not informed beforehand that the Arbalest is in danger?
“One of Mr. Ux’aad’s foremen sells us secrets. A useful idiot, but his reconnaissance is sound, and we have no true need of money,” proclaimed Ulanbataar, our token amorphous pulsating member of the Vector. Input received.
“I have been informed that the seekers of the Arbalest are directly opposed to Sigmar. Perhaps we should offer them an alliance?” Douglas suggested. Input received.
“That would be most unwise. We have reason to believe they killed a team protecting the barrier mountains in cold blood,” Ulanbataar countered. Input received.
“Is it possible to infiltrate the miners further? It may be a source of valuable information and manpower,” I said.
“We have been attempting to persuade Ux’aad himself for some time. His freakish immunity to telepathic domination and obsession with human wealth, as opposed to the purity of technological progress... It should go without saying that without his loyalty, we will obtain only scraps from the miners of Las Médulas.” Input received.
“If we come to blows, regardless of whom we fight, I will activate all the functionality of the Sentinel in order to defend the Arbalest. So it shall be,” I decided. Some of them briefly resisted my will, but they did not succeed. We had computed the course forwards in parallel and would await further instructions.
The vision ended abruptly, and with it, my understanding that I was Elxsi, Keeper of the Sentinel. Turned out I was actually a girl named Charlotte, and that I was so desperate to let my girlfriend play with a weapon of mass destruction that I let it dominate my mind just so it could make some sort of point. Apparently, I’m also some kind of power-crazed bitch.
IN THE END, MY FOLLOWERS CHOSE POORLY. HOWEVER, I HIGHLY DOUBT THEY COULD HAVE FORGED A USEFUL ALLIANCE WITH YOUR KIND.
“You mean, I could’ve had these crazed cultists on our side?” I asked.
DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE CONSUMED BY SUCH FANTASIES.
“It might have been helpful, though. They weren’t very disciplined, but if you throw some crazed berserkers at a demoralized enemy, it could very easily break their cohesion.”
THEY ARE ALL DEAD NOW. I HIGHLY DOUBT THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT LEAD TO MY DEIFICATION WILL EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
“So, why’d you show me your home movies?”
WE SHARE A COMMON ENEMY. YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT.
“Yeah, and Azure’s a victim here, too. She’s trying to reclaim her friends and colleagues from Sigmar. She can instinctively cast magic, where I have to rely on human science and engineering to approximate it. I’m pretty sure she’s a better fit for you than I am.”
I HAVE SEEN NOTHING TO BACK UP YOUR ASSERTIONS.
“Your outbursts of unrestrained magic made it pretty hard for me to prove my point, so it looks like you’re going to need to have faith in me.”
Sudden awkward frigid silence.
YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME THAT I, THE RECEIVER OF FAITH, SHOULD HAVE FAITH IN YOU?
“Yes, exactly! But we don’t have to do this the faithful way if you’re willing to listen to my reasoning.”
YOU SEEM TO HAVE FAITH THAT THE TITAN WILL HELP YOU SLAY SIGMAR. THAT MAKES ME QUESTION YOUR ABILITY TO REASON.
“Azure’s come this far with me. Kind of a bother for someone who wasn’t in on the whole deal, don’t you think?”
THE DECEIVER WAITS FOR JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT TO STRIKE.
“Okay, seriously. Forget about you and me. What’s in it for Azure?”
Sudden ghastly nitrogen liquefying silence.
WELL, SHIT. I HAVE NO IDEA.
Did a magical crossbow just fucking swear at me? Best to just ignore that and continue on.
“I don’t know a whole lot about Azure’s motivations, or yours, or really anything else other than my own. But everything I’ve experienced so far has convinced me that Azure is just as interested in seeing Sigmar’s head on a pike as I am,” I explained. I wasn’t planning to tell the crossbow the story of how I convinced Azure to tag along, but that’s only because I didn’t want to offend its clearly delicate sensibilities. “If she had ulterior motives for joining my holy mission, I don’t think she would’ve been able to conceal them from me for this long.”
YOU BELIEVE YOUR MENTAL FORTITUDE TO BE STRONGER THAN ITS GRASP OF MENTAL MAGIC? WHAT A STRANGE WORLD WE LIVE IN.
Time to be more forceful, I think.
“There is nothing you can say that will convince me that Azure doesn’t want to bring down Sigmar. Either you let her wield you, or I’ll pass you off to one of the miners. Or maybe I’ll gift you to Fat Agnus. He’ll be delighted to have a new toy to play with. You’ll get to discover all sorts of things about titan psychology firsthand that you’d never learn about otherwise!”
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