Emacs finished installing, and I moved onto the aforementioned packages – most importantly, a Perl interpreter.
“I worked as a receptionist in an office building for a few months, although I won’t tell you how I got that job. Found myself a boyfriend, too. We dated for about a year, but he walked into the lobby of the building one day and dumped me right then and there! I didn’t take it well… I freaked out and through means unknown to me at the time zapped him with a bolt of lightning. He didn’t live very long after that,” Azure continued.
“I can imagine. Was that your first spell?” I asked, in a spare moment between verifying my Emacs installation, and the next step – security software. I’m not sure why, but my mentors in the occult always told me a good firewall on computer would prevent viruses and trojans from summoning horrible monsters or ripping apart reality when I cast a spell.
“It was. My magical powers decided to all come online in that moment. I fled the office, uncontrollably spewing wild magic everywhere. I made my way to an alley before I somehow ripped a hole of reality and zapped myself into hell. It took me a while to calm down and learn what powers I had. Then, things got more interesting for me.”
“The last few times I saw you smite someone, it came from the sky,” I quipped. I wanted to learn more about Azure’s past, but I really needed to concentrate on the task at hand.
“Electricity is electricity. Haxabalatnar will attest to that if you ask him.”
“She fried a bunch of chthons back at Mount Amdahl,” said Hax, who’d perked up a bit when Azure mentioned his name. “How’s that portal coming along?”
“We should be able to start in a few minutes without killing ourselves,” I responded. Now, I needed to install Cygwin, so that I could run a bunch of Unix-like software to make the portal work properly.
I really appreciated that we had someone covering for us, even if it was a priest of questionable loyalty. It gave me plenty of time to put safeties into place. In a more desperate situation, I could rip open a portal to hell with a Perl script or otherwise hacked together mess of code. Such a haphazard portal, though, would most likely spew bile and radioactive waste at us, before pumping so much magical energy into our bodies that we exploded. I’d heard from Edgar that this was a common outcome for amateur occultists in the 1990s who wanted more thrills than they could get from pulling a pair of Xeyes out of their computers.
“You know, we’re very lucky that the priest decided to help us instead of turning us in to the police. What’s up with that?” Haxabalatnar asked as I started a miniature stress test on the server; it turned out that running every single magical security service and daemon I could muster from within Cygwin loaded up a mere 17 percent of the CPU, at least if the task manager in Windows was to be believed.
“Human religions are weird,” I quipped. “Titan worshiping isn’t much better, admittedly.”
“That’s not what you said in bed last night,” responded Azure. She’s quick on the uptake like that.
“I think it’s mostly Orthodox Christians who decided to expand into hell,” she said after Haxabalatnar stopped glaring at her. “I met a rabbi once, and Las Médulas is allegedly a Catholic town, but those are exceptions.”
“Don’t talk to me about exceptions right now,” I snarked. Despite the tech improvements of the last few years, an untimely software exception could still dismember us.
“I’m ready to start now, by the way,” I informed Azure and Hax once they’d stopped laughing. “Azure, how are you feeling about enhancing the portal spell with your newfound Arbalest magic?”
“That sounds really dangerous,” she responded. Damn! I was hoping she’d be more confident; we didn’t have all day.
“If the police find us, it might be the only way we don’t get shot to bits.”
“Tell you what, Charlotte – I’ll do what I can if the police enter this church, but unless that happens, I’d rather we do this the safe way, so that we return to hell in one piece.”
“Okay, fine, whatever.”
I started my scripts. The only visible feedback at this point was a little ASCII spinner I’d created and a progress indicator that went down to tenths of a percentile because I figured Matthias’ server had the resources to spare. Without Azure pumping the portal full of energy, this needed to spin for a while before we’d see anything cool. A few minutes passed uneventfully. Then I realized that something about Azure’s story was bugging me.
“How does a titan not realize they have magic for years on end?” I asked Azure.
“It’s apparently a growing problem these days, given how often titans are crossing over to Earth and impregnating the locals.” She looked at me as if I were a five year old who needed the most basic principles of the world explained to her. Either that, or she was pulling my leg and was about to burst into laughter. After a few seconds of non-laughter, I decided the former was more likely.
“I never really studied our species, and I don’t think anyone has done any research that would hold up to academic standards, but titans apparently imprint really hard on their environments. If you place a titan seed in the womb of a woman who doesn’t believe in non-computerized magic – someone whose most supernatural experience is the occasional trip to the movie theater – then you’re probably going to end up with a kid who thinks they’re an ordinary human until some crisis forces them to unlock their magic.”
“Hold on. What’s a titan seed?”
“Figure of speech. I don’t actually know how titans reproduce with each other. Maybe if I’d grown up in hell...”
Twelve percent and slowly rising.
“Agnus might be able to fill me in, but I’d have to be careful how I asked to make sure he didn’t think I was propositioning him,” Azure continued. A brief silence followed, during which the progress bar ticked up to thirteen percent.
“Surely, there’s a book you can read or a video cassette that gives you the basics?” Haxabalatnar asked her.
“There are still lots of titans out there who don’t even know what a book is, much less have the ability to write and publish one.”
“Not Sigmar, that’s for certain,” I added. “Did I ever tell you about his library?” Haxabalatnar had met (and destroyed) Dewey the library daemon some time ago, and Azure had been present, but they’d stopped caring about the daemon once it’d proven woefully inadequate for combat. I used the next seven percentile points to relay that thrilling tale to them.
Now, if I’d done my preparations correctly, this was when the first visible signs of our portal to hell would appear – and appear they did! A hole in the air next to the server popped into existence with a wet fart noise, and the level of background magic in the server room rose to a level where Azure could apparently feel it, judging from the way she suddenly looked more alert than before.
The script was entirely automated, so I figured I wouldn’t need to check the progress that often, as long as everything worked correctly. But the portal’s progress was slow, and I soon found myself bored. I didn’t want to squander the server’s resources with a game of Solitaire or Minesweeper, and I couldn’t watch Matthias’ film library for fear of being indoctrinated. Besides, if I tried, there was a good chance that solitaire cards or sanctimonious evangelicals would escape into the real world. I decided my best bet was to stare obsessively at the portal. As the minutes passed, it grew larger, its edges sharpened themselves, and the interior slowly turned from pitch black to a dull red.
“It won’t be long now,” I said as the progress bar reached forty percent. I hoped I was telling the truth, because waiting for this portal to align the worlds was staying boring. “We sure are lucky Matthias was willing to give us sanctuary.”
“I have my doubts that he’s on the level,” Haxabalatnar responded. “After all, he’s a Christian…and a priest, to boot.”
“Hax, I’m p
retty sure that if Matthias was going to sell us out, it wouldn’t be because of his religious preferences.” I didn’t feel quite right about defending such a devout person when I didn’t share their faith, but the last thing we wanted to do was alienate anyone who was trying to help us out.
“He doesn’t seem keen on hell’s indigenous religions and cultures. Why else would he be trying to spread an Earth religion?”
“Fair point, but I’m willing to take all the help I can get, even if it is a bit...opportunistic.”
“Opportunism makes sense. You don’t seem particularly enthused with his faith.”
“I haven’t had much luck with popular religion. At least when I was involved with Aux, I was getting results.”
Our stories of religion brought us to the halfway point. Hax, Azure, and I weren’t going to have any secrets left if this took much longer. The portal broke our concentration by farting again.
“Is it supposed to do that?” asked Hax.
“It’s not harmful, as far as I know,” I responded. “Certainly isn’t dignified.”
The interior of the portal was turning orange now – a bright, citrusy orange, more encouraging than the muddier, darker hues you’d expect from after the farts.
“My kingdom for a deck of cards!” I shouted at nobody in particular as the process edged up to fifty two percent.
“You do that, girl. I’m not giving up mine for so little,” Azure quipped. She was filing her nails. Where did she get the file? I had half an urge to ask her for it once she was done, but a frenzied battery of knocks on the door disrupted my plans.
“Charlotte, you must hurry! Police officers have arrived, and I cannot delay them for long,” Matthias shouted, admittedly half-muffled through the door. If the series of low thuds was to be believed, he then scrambled away faster than my stomach could knot.
“Guess it’s time to call in the Arbalest, eh?” Azure said, as she idly tossed the nail file into a corner (no!) and opened up her backpack.
FINALLY, I AM FREE OF THAT ACCURSED PRISON!
I really hope that the police officers didn’t sense that.
“Sir! I just heard a voice!” shouted someone on the other side of the door. “It sounded like it was coming from inside my head, sir!”
“We’re tracking a computer criminal. They might be preparing a magical assault on us as we speak-”
I was about to unholster my Walther when a deep, resonant bong sound filled the room. I glanced over at Azure. She had aimed the Arbalest at the computer and was using it to pump the machine full of magical energy. The windows on the screen warped, and I’m pretty sure I saw a pair of Xeyes flash in the corner, but the portal suite held, and the previously slow progress bar jumped thirty points in one go, bringing it to ninety percent. This wasn’t fast enough for Azure – she intensified her channeling, causing her hair to turn full hexadecimal blue (#0000FF) and spread out like she was walking into a hurricane. As much as I wanted to admire her, I needed to make sure that anyone who tried to bust down the door would get a bullet or two to the chest, so I grudgingly turned there.
That attempt came almost immediately as something slammed into the door with enough force to splinter our side. Miraculously, the actual door held, but a few scattered murmurs lead me to believe the apparent police battering ram would knock it down on the next effort. I realized that if the police came in all guns blazing, I was in an awful place to avoid getting shot. My vantage point was, however, a great place to take in that Haxabalatnar had found cover and was looking at me as if I’d gone mad. I quickly crouched down behind a box of psalters and returned to watching the door.
At the very second the police knocked the door off its hinges, a tinny fanfare (the Windows 95 shutdown sound, if I recall correctly) announced that the portal spell was complete. Unfortunately, it seemed that if I made a break for it, the police would kill me.
“Deactivate your spells and surrender immediately! We don’t want a fight, but we’ll shoot if we have to!” shouted someone obscured by the doorframe and walls of the server room. This sounded almost, but not entirely unlike gunfire. What was up with the police in Wisconsin?
LEAVE THIS PLACE, SO CALLED LAW ENFORCEMENT. YOUR JURISDICTION HAS NO MEANING ON OUR QUEST AGAINST THE TYRANTS OF HELL.
Arbalest was escalating. Great.
“You have thirty seconds to comply. Do not attempt to flee!” the unknown (presumably an officer) shouted.
*Azure, can you neutralize the police? Preferably without injuring them,* I transmitted to Azure. I probably should’ve thought of this before, but better late than never. Again, I couldn’t afford to look, but I had a vague sense that she smiled maliciously and cast another spell. What was she going to do?
“GAH!” I heard, of all things, a sizzling sound and smelled burnt flesh. Several metallic clunks followed.
*I either burnt their hands, or made them think I burnt their hands…probably the latter,* Azure explained through our telepathic link. The sudden savory bacon scent would tend to contradict that, though.
“That’s it, we’re sending in the spellbreaker!”
A police officer (?) stood in the doorway. The first thing I noticed was that they’d customized their outfit with a mess of metallic ornaments and tassels that presumably violated the Chippewa Falls police department’s uniform regulations. The second thing I noticed was that they were wearing a belt of what appeared to be ordinary alkaline batteries. Haxabalatnar, being too close to this newcomer for his own comfort, immediately fired a round from his pistol. But I heard a thunk and saw a flash – the spellbreaker grabbed the bullet off his new shield (didn’t notice the mustache before), held it between his thumb and index finger, and spat on it.
“Really? Couldn’t you use me against someone more competent?” he said, in a tone of voice that was disturbingly familiar in its nonchalant arrogance. If it weren’t for the fact that this short, stubby olive skinned man was about as far as you could get from looking like Terminal, though...
“No matter,” the spellbreaker continued, tossing Haxabalatnar’s bullet behind him. “You’ll be coming quietly either way, whether it’s in cuffs or a body bag. Last chance to choose.”
*I can try to magically pull us through the portal. Is that okay?* Azure asked. She’d apparently managed to get through to Haxabalatnar, who shrugged, resigned, though that might’ve just been because the spellbreaker had negated his trusty sidearm.
*Do it! I’m not going to jail, no matter what,* I responded.
The spellbreaker apparently took our silence as justification to use lethal force, as he slowly, almost gently took the time to pull out a pair of phones. I scarcely had the time to register what magic he might be loading before the portal roared, and a blast of green energy filled the room. I felt a strange tug on my navel and a brief flash of terror at the possibility I might be ripped out of my body again.
*Relax and you’ll have an easy time,* Azure reassured me. I trusted her, and let the portal pull me backwards. I barely had enough time to flip off the spellbreaker before I passed through and landed on my butt. Azure soon joined me, sprawling out as she hit the ground behind me, but Hax managed to land on his feet.
“Aw, crap, how do we close it?” Azure moaned at me.
“Cut the power to the computer!” I responded...but how could we possibly do that? Azure decided on telekinesis; I saw the computer fly several feet into the air, ripping itself clean of all cords and peripherals in the process. Without a control program, the portal immediately began to buckle in on itself-
“You won’t get away from the law that easily!” The spellbreaker, apparently unaware of the risks, hurled himself into hell alongside us with a mighty leap...and a faceplant. This was our chance! I lunged and pistol whipped him in the face before he could stand up... his shield ate some of the power behind my strike, but I was still able to clonk him pretty hard.
Haxabalatnar did the rest – he grabbed and tossed the spellbreaker’s phones, stepped on both of his arms, squatted down, and aimed the gun at his head.
“Oh, fuck my life!” shouted the spellbreaker. Haxabalatnar jammed the gun straight up against his jaw. Where have I seen this sort of thing before? As I tried to figure it out, the portal we’d used to get back into hell quietly vanished. The surroundings didn’t look quite right (I was expecting more glass shards), but we had to deal with our stowaway before I could afford to take a second look.
“What should we do with him, Charlotte? The last thing we need is for this guy to attempt an arrest when we’re fighting Sigmar,” Hax asked me. The spellbreaker’s right eyelid twitched almost imperceptibly.
“I think we’re past that point, okay? I’ve clearly lost this round,” he said. Guess I hadn’t hit the spellbreaker hard enough to break him. I needed a moment to think.
If I had to choose between police heat and thermodynamic heat...exactly how hot are we talking here?
“93 degrees Fahrenheit, Charlotte. I think that’s rising, by the way,” Azure told me. Apparently, she’s a thermostat now. If the alternative is getting chased by chivalrous cops, I’ll tolerate the heat. “Feels really humid, too.”
We were in a plaza of what appeared to be carved bone. Gray skies above us and distant, vaguely brassy sounds weren’t enough for me to triangulate our location... But then again, exactly how do you find out where you are in hell when the very geography shifts to meet your expectations? Suddenly, a giant cartoon pig’s head appeared in the sky, accompanied by orchestral fanfare and incomprehensible sigils, but it was gone almost as fast as it showed up. Warner Bros was not going to be happy if they found out what was going on here. I had a creeping suspicion about what kind of titan would have to reside here in order for this sort of thing to happen. Unless Sigmar had been doing some major remodeling, this was not the Forest of Glass.
“Azure, when you juiced the portal, did you try to do anything other than accelerate the spell?” I asked.
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