Sigmar was expanding to gigantic proportions, and yet all I could think was that even if we managed to kill him, we’d still be stuck in a bone-dry and bone-literal desert. We had maybe enough supplies to wander aimlessly for a few days before dropping dead of dehydration, unless we could magic up some sort of rapid transport or distress signal.
But no time to dwell on that, because Sigmar was now larger than Terrorize and Ravage combined-
“You don’t understand! Only I can possibly hope to defend hell from the zealots gathering to destroy it!” he ranted at us before swiping out haphazardly (and slowly) at Azure with a paw of unprecedented size. It missed, but only barely. It occurred to me that if we stood too close together, Sigmar could easily wipe us out with one desperate, flailing strike; when I saw Haxabalatnar beckon me to come towards the rest of the group with a hand signal, I responded with a thumbs down for him, and a rudimentary analysis of the threat for Azure’s mind.
*He might be huge now, but that means the bastard is easy to hit,* Azure responded. She did have a point, which Haxabalatnar apparently backed up with several gunshots.
“Not going to work!” Sigmar sang. It was surprising and perhaps also considerate how little volume he’d added to his voice with his growth spurt. The pitch seemed about the same, too. I was too far away to see what had become of Hax’s bullets, but given previous events, I was beginning to suspect that they, too, had been absorbed. Azure screamed something obscene and launched another massive barrage of nonspecific elemental energy at Sigmar. His response was to laugh and block the torrent with an open palm. He absorbed it yet again, and then grew even larger.
“You foolish waif of a girl! If there was nothing you could do to stop me, you would still stand more of a chance than you do now!” he shouted. With that, Sigmar spun around and waved his arms like a drunken loser at a seedy nightclub-
“Holy shit!” And with that, he slammed into Azure, sending her flying for at least a hundred feet. She shrugged it off, to say the least; after lying on the ground for a few seconds, she levered herself up with her arms and righted herself with a fancy cartwheel. If Sigmar so much as touched me, Hax, or Noah in his current state, though, we were sandwich spread. Why did he still permit us to live? Sigmar (with some difficulty) reoriented his now colossal form so he was facing me.
“I’m feeling merciful, Charlotte. If you prostrate yourself before me in surrender and beg for forgiveness, I will allow you to rejoin my service in some form,” he intoned. From any other titan, such a request would merely be ridiculous. When it came from Sigmar, though, it felt enormously out of character. I suddenly realized, however, that Sigmar was finally taking me seriously...and that was how I was going to destroy him.
Azure had stopped attacking Sigmar now that he was soaking up anything we sent his way. I would need her to start again if my plan was going to work. Sure, Sigmar might allow himself to grow a bit further than his current gargantuan height, but the square cube law had to take hold at some point, right? Eventually, he wouldn’t be able to vent excess energy as matter or whatever the hell he was doing (note: magic muddles things). That would leave him in a position where one sufficiently precise attack could set off a chain reaction. I had a feeling this was what Sigmar had done to Aux, who’d allowed it to happen. Titans seem to get enormously overconfident when they’re angry. If we got out of this alive, I resolved to give Azure a heads up, in the hopes that she could avoid a similar fate.
*Be ready to attack Sigmar again. I have an idea, but it’ll require me say some nasty shit,* I told Azure. She sent me the mental equivalent of a thumbs up. I hoped, desperately, for my sake, that Sigmar didn’t have any telepathic powers, and then slowly lowered my phone.
“What’s this you keep saying about hell coming under attack?” I asked Sigmar, making a mental note to try and dismiss everything he said, lest I actually be sucked into his plan. I could swear that the damn platypus sighed in relief when I didn’t attack him again. That takes some acting skills.
“You’ve been wandering for some time. Haven’t you seen the priests and their churches? The corporations seeking to plunder our resources for a quick buck? The police who seem to think they have jurisdiction in our states?” Sigmar began, and…well…shit. I’d seen all of this and more during my sojourn in hell.
“I’m pretty sure that your species intends to conquer hell,” he continued. “If humanity takes charge of hell – and in our current state, I’m certain it could – it will shatter trying to divvy up the spoils. Neither Earth, nor hell will survive the ensuing apocalypse.”
“Jesus Christ, Sigmar. I had no idea you cared about anything other than murder!” I shouted. It was definitely involuntary, and I feared for a moment that whatever Sigmar was planning had merit.
“I value humanity as a whole far more than you do, Charlotte. If I can unite enough of hell under my rule, I can parley with them as equals, and we can then forge greater civilizations through peaceful coexistence. Everything I’ve done has been in the hopes that there can be any future.” Sigmar stopped and twiddled a hand as if spinning a trident…but he hadn’t scaled up any to match his current gargantuan form. “Now, that doesn’t mean I feel I shouldn’t try and enjoy it a bit! Call it a weakness if you must.”
“What do you really want from me?” I snarled. I was feeling the tension between my resolve to kill Sigmar, and my burning curiosity at what force could make him say (even in bad faith) he wanted to forgive and compromise.
“You were an excellent general in your time. Lead my armies and whip them into a fighting force we can be proud of! What better symbol for the cooperation that will save us all?”
*Azure, are you hearing what Sigmar is saying? Try not to laugh. Hope you’re ready to pump Sigmar full of energy,* I transmitted. I decided, at least in principle, that I could accept the idea of a united government in hell that would prevent the worst abuses of magic…but Sigmar was about as far from the enlightened philosopher king he sought to be as you could get.
For one thing, I’d been a piss poor general. If I’d stayed long after he callously murdered Sarah, my weaknesses as a leader of cultists would’ve caught up with me at some point. Secondly, I didn’t share Sigmar’s confidence that an insane lunatic who took pleasure in torturing and murdering people could excel at the sort of diplomacy and statecraft required to forge a nation anywhere, much less in the depths of hell. Third of all, even if someone had to crown themselves king (or queen) of the damned, I wanted that person to be me. I, at least, wouldn’t delude myself into thinking it was for the greater good, right? Then I realized I was about to attack Sigmar again for that same purpose. Maybe I was too far gone...but Sigmar was worse.
*Fire!* I told Azure. A prism of light shot through the sky and hit Sigmar somewhere on his back. I couldn’t say with more precision since he was facing me. He was still facing me.
“Well, your girlfriend’s attack is completely futile, so I think we can contiNUe this conversation wIthout *burp* too much worry. WiLl you reDEem humanity, ADA?” Sigmar said.
The first part of my hypothesis was right – the energy buildup was beginning to mess with Sigmar’s innards. My best bet, as I saw it, was to summon a blade from my phone, and then throw it at Sigmar, piercing his overloaded flesh and setting off a cascade. It would probably destroy the phone, and I had to find a way to distract him for long enough to summon the blade AND throw my phone...
But wait! Something cherry red near Sigmar’s feet caught my eye. It was his war trident. An especially devilish idea entered my mind just then. But how could I acquire it without arousing Sigmar’s suspicion?
“You can handle that sort of energy, but if I say what we’re both thinking, she’s going to turn that beam on me, and I’m going to explode,” I responded. In short, I had to get Sigmar to turn around for long enough that I could grab the trident and chuck it at him without being seen.
“S
o, I’ll diSembowel her. Then, I’ll aLso have the Arbalest, and noTHING will stand in the way of unity!”
“Azure’s been very intimate with me, so I know her weaknesses. If you charge at her with enough gusto, she’ll freak out and be an easy target.” Sigmar grinned maniacally at my suggestion, and I had to exert all of my mind’s eerie powers to prevent myself from doing the same.
*Hey, with the Arbalest on my side, I’ll never be scared of Sigmar!* Azure interrupted.
*Yes, but Sigmar doesn’t know that. Play along!* Azure had to exert all of her mind’s eerie powers to prevent herself from grinning maniacally.
“You don’t sAY!” Sigmar exclaimed. “Charlotte, yoU’re the same cold-bLooDed sorcereSS you always wERe. You’ll go far IN my serviCE.”
Sigmar twirled like a ballerina (apparently he can do that now) and skipped merrily towards Azure. For a hundred-foot tall giant, he sure could be light on his feet when he wanted. He was moving dangerously fast, though, so I too had to book it if I wanted to retrieve the red trident. I sprinted the distance to it faster then I’d ever run before; could it be that someone was enchanting my body? I didn’t have time to think. I had to pick up the trident!
Luckily, the trident didn’t turn on me and kill me when I grasped it in my hands, but I could still feel the enormity of the magical power concentrated into its tips. I made a note: do not point at self. I had a vague sense of a mind living in the trident, similar on a broad level to the Arbalest, if not necessarily as coherent. No words came from it – only an urge to kill and destroy so overwhelming that if I held onto the trident for too long, it would replace me with an even more murderous and bloodthirsty Charlotte.
Azure demonstrated her acting skills by screaming so loudly that I could hear it even from here. Sigmar continued to chase her. I was fast, but they were still faster. What I needed now was for Sigmar to stop, even if momentarily, so I could get to a range where I could heave the trident far enough.
I felt a strange pulse in my arms. Previously unknown strength flowed through me, but from whom? It couldn’t be Azure; she was too busy keeping Sigmar occupied. Abruptly, I realized that this was the absolute worst time to care. I skittered to a halt, wound up my right arm, and threw as hard as I could without ripping my arm off. The trident flew forwards, its path so straight it treated gravity as unworthy of attention, and just as Sigmar was about to grab Azure in his enormous paw...
...it embedded itself in the small of his back. Bullseye. Sigmar stopped dead in his tracks and slowly turned to face me.
“Oh, so that’s what became of the trident. Just what I needed, another STAB IN THE BACK. IF THAT’S HOW YOU’RE GOING TO BE, THEN I MIGHT AS WELL-”
Sigmar exploded.
EPILOGUE
“The designer of a new kind of system must participate fully in the implementation.” - Donald E. Knuth
On second thought, it might not be enough to say that Sigmar exploded and leave it at that. Aux and Hyperion had the dignity of struggling when they died, but a torture implement and a titan battery apparently didn’t have the same punch to them as that damned trident. I dove to the ground and covered my head with my hands in the vain hopes that it’d protect me. I had the faintest sense of raw, corrupting magic flowing around me before it was replaced with something warm, tender, protective -
“If there’s one thing I can do, Charlotte, it’s set up a shield in a hurry,” said a voice behind me.
Azure had saved me! I looked up briefly – between the sound, and the light, and my fear that even Azure wouldn’t be able to hold out, I could only dive down and cower. After a while, though, the chaos dissipated, leaving only the bonescape, a fading shield, and Azure’s hand brushing against my neck.
“Where are Hax and Noah?” I shouted. If they hadn’t managed to find cover, there was no way they could survive that. “Was that even real? How do we know Sigmar isn’t going to appear again once I let my guard down?”
GIVE IT A REST, CHARLOTTE. SIGMAR IS DEAD, AND YOUR OTHER ALLIES WERE NOT HARMED BY HIS DEATHTHROES. I SENSED EVERYTHING.
Oh.
“Yeah, thanks for the news,” I said. I was still dazed from how abruptly the battle had ended. Then, I realized that Azure was hugging me.
“Do you know what this means, Charlotte? We should celebrate!” she squealed. We both knew this meant crazed, animalistic fucking. If we didn’t need to check on Haxabalatnar and Noah, we’d be at it right now, but (unfortunately) we weren’t so far gone that we couldn’t prioritize our group’s safety. Azure eventually let go of me, pointed at some specks on the horizon, and beckoned for me to follow. Much to his credit, Noah wasn’t dead. Haxabalatnar had performed basic first aid while Azure and I took down Sigmar for good.
“I can’t walk. I busted my leg somehow,” Noah informed us, even though we’d obviously seen this. This left me in an awkward situation – I’d just slaughtered my second titan. A year ago, I probably would’ve left the likes of Noah to die in order to preserve the living among our number, but nowadays, that just seemed wrong. As much as I didn’t like to admit it, his antics had bought us time to plan our strategy.
“We might not have to walk,” Azure said, after a moment. “I have the feeling that the soldiers Sigmar conscripted haven’t gotten very far. I could go find them-”
“Azure, you made them kill each other. If you can find any, they’ll probably try to get revenge!”
“I doubt it. A lot of them were forcibly conscripted. Now that their chain of command has been broken, they’ll be free to give us a hand.” Azure paused for a moment. “Of course,” she added, “I’m pretty sure I can do this the domineering, mind-controlling way, too, if I really have to. But I don’t think that’ll be necessary.” And so, she took off to look for survivors from Sigmar’s army.
A splotch of dark red on the pale landscape suddenly drew my attention. I had a strange feeling about this, so I looked over to Haxabalatnar with my best impression of Azure’s interrogaze. He shrugged at me, so I simply walked over to the splotch; I came upon chunks of flesh haphazardly attached to a skull. Judging from the shape, this was all that remained of Sigmar. It was funny how from the right angle, it almost looked as if it was pulsating and beginning to cook in what I realized was incoming sunlight-
“Was it worth it?”
Azure had, without me noticing, airdropped one of Sigmar’s hapless soldiers next to me. This was either whimsical or astonishingly dangerous. I looked over in an attempt to clarify this – the look of utter misery and resignation on this person’s face suggested he wasn’t really in the mood to try anything.
“I could ask her the same question, Brennos.” Azure responded. It figured that someone who actually had a name would make it out of the battle alive.
“It’s a rhetorical question. I’ve been working towards killing Sigmar for almost a year,” I said.
“What am I going to do now?” Brennos asked. I didn’t have a good answer for him. He had very possibly murdered close friends and comrades against his will during the siege. I don’t know much about psychology, but I was sure that could torment you for a very long time.
“You know, I might be able to find a job for you somewhere,” said Azure.
“It doesn’t sound like I have a choice in the matter.”
“I don’t see any reason to constrain your choice now that you’re not actively trying to kill me. We’ve got an injured man who probably needs a stretcher and some actual doctors. Know anyone who’s into medicine and field surgery?”
Brennos stared at Azure like she’d gone completely insane.
“Well, Hermes was moonlighting as a paramedic until things got really bad, but I lost track of him once we routed. Look for a chthon with tusks and green skin,” he muttered after a while.
“Oh, good! They’ve got Warcraft down here now. Hell’s coming along nicely, don’t you think?” she quipped,
and giggled. Azure flew off, this time to see if she could find Hermes the orc. Brennos perked up a bit once she’d left.
“Now that Sigmar’s dead, what are us hell-raised humans going to do?” he asked.
“I can’t help you with that. Maybe I can introduce you to Haxabalatnar, though,” I told him. He raised an eyebrow at the mention of Hax’s name.
“Sounds like a local name. Would’ve expected someone like you to rely entirely on Earth humans.”
“Nah, I’m more pragmatic than that.”
We stared at Sigmar’s mangled skull for a while longer. I was beginning to feel like I’d been astonishingly lucky in the last year or so. Not only did I survive my first attempt to murder Sigmar, but I’d taken injuries that would’ve killed (or at least permanently incapacitated) anyone else, allied with skilled fighters from across both worlds, acquired a weapon of enormous power, and infiltrated my enemy’s deepest sanctum for what felt like no other reason than that at every point, Sigmar was unwilling to properly deal with me. There’d been too many moments when I was vulnerable, and yet here I was, victorious.
There’s something they don’t tell you about winning a victory, though – life goes on. It doesn’t cut to credits. Now that Sigmar was gone, I had other things I needed to deal with.
The most pressing problem was that the American legal system had caught up with my Earthside escapades and wasn’t going to look kindly on my murderous past, or my massive theft. To be fair, the bank heist had financed my first crack at the platypus problem, but I don’t think “Sic semper tyrannis” is going to hold up in any reasonable court of law. Outside of possibly Agnus, there wasn’t much in the way of nation state to protect me if the feds decided to pull an Iraq (or an Afghanistan). If I wasn’t careful, I’d wake up staring down the barrel of an M1 Abrams tank.
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