And then, as a super safety test, they should also say their name loudly to the class because some names have different pronunciations. They might not seem funny written on a whiteboard, but they can be hilarious out loud. For instance, my old teacher at the palace was Miss Cruickshanks. It doesn’t look particularly funny. But the first time she told me her name, I seriously thought I was going to pee myself. She sounded like “Quick-Pants”. Even now, I still think of her as Miss Quick-Pants.
But even Miss Quick-Pants doesn’t have a name as bad as Miss Shufflebottom.
Shufflebottom! Honestly. That’s her real name!
You can say it out loud. Shufflebottom! You can write it on the whiteboard in enormous capital letters. SHUFFLEBOTTOM! You can whisper it with friends or scribble it across a toilet wall. Shufflebottom. It’s still an epic name.
My teacher’s name is Miss Shufflebottom.
In fact, Miss Shufflebottom was the teacher who gave me this homework. She told me to write about my life and my family. She’s the reason why there has to be a proper, professional Teacher Name Test.
But her daft name did at least cheer me up. That tiny kid, Charles, didn’t stop talking all the way to the classroom. He kept asking if I’d done after-school maths or chess classes at my last school. I had actually done archery, gymnastics and taekwondo with Uncle Ernie at the Palace, but I couldn’t tell him that, could I? So I came up with one of my little white lies and mumbled something about cookery and piano. I don’t really like either. I’m not a girl from the 1950s. Cooking is boring and who wants to sit in front of a piano playing Three Blind Mice? Not me, but I’m not allowed to tell the truth.
And then, I arrived in class and everyone was wearing those putrid blazers. We looked like twenty green bottles hanging on the wall. I thought I was going to throw up my breakfast. Thankfully, my new teacher saved the day.
“Welcome to the class, Sabrina,” she said, in a semi-posh voice. “My name is Miss Shufflebottom.”
I felt like a balloon. I thought I was going to burst.
“Is everything all right, Sabrina?” Miss Bottom-Shuffler asked.
“Yep,” I squeaked.
I opened my mouth no more than half a centimetre. I couldn’t risk the laughter escaping through a crack in my lips.
“Yes, what?” she continued.
“Yes, Miss,” I hissed. My face and belly were close to exploding.
“Yes, Miss what?”
“Yes … Miss … Snuffle … I mean … Shuffle …”
“Yes?”
“Shufflebottom!”
I roared with laughter. I laughed until my jaw ached. I laughed so hard that I made everyone else laugh, everyone except Miss Shufflebottom and a girl who sat alone at the back of the class.
She didn’t smile.
She just folded her arms and glared at me.
She had dark, greasy, long hair that looked knotted and in need of a good brushing. Her green blazer had faded, like dried grass in the sun. And she chewed gum in class! I couldn’t believe it. Uncle Ernie had already flicked through the school manual, which had made it very clear that gum was not to be chewed in school.
But this girl didn’t even care.
In fact, she pulled the gum from her mouth and wrapped it around her finger. Then she spun her finger really quickly and the gum unwrapped itself. She shaped it into a squidgy ball until it looked like the world’s tiniest brain, and threw it into the air. She caught it between her teeth and carried on chewing. Everyone heard her teeth grinding.
“Agatha,” Miss Shufflebottom said softly. “Not today, eh?”
Everyone turned to face Agatha, the gum-chewing rebel. She didn’t seem bothered. She didn’t even blush. She just blew a huge gum bubble instead. The pop echoed around the classroom.
“I think we’ll have a quiet chat after class, Agatha,” Miss Shufflebottom said. “In the meantime, Sabrina, you seem to have stopped giggling now. Maybe you could join me at the front of the class and tell us a bit about yourself.”
I knew what that Miss Silly-Name was doing, all right. It was much easier to embarrass the shy, giggly new girl than deal with the scary, gum-twirling bubble blower at the back.
But I wasn’t scared. I was a princess. And this time I had my story straight.
CHAPTER SIX
The thought of speaking in front of the whole class didn’t bother me. I had been trained at the Palace to speak in public and in different languages, too. English and French were the easiest, with some Spanish and a tiny bit of Mandarin.
So I stood beside Miss Shufflebottom and tried not to think about her fantastic surname. Luckily for her, she was rather skinny and petite and didn’t have much of a bottom to shuffle.
“Hello everyone,” I said cheerily. “My name is Sabrina Parslowe and I am eleven years old. I’m almost twelve and we were actually arranging a big party back at the Pala … I mean, the place … where I now live. I have just moved to this town with my Uncle Ernie. My parents were posted overseas and—”
“Posted? What are your parents, letters?”
It was the girl with gum. She laughed loudly.
Miss Shufflebottom sighed. “Posted just means Sabrina’s parents were sent overseas to work,” she said. “Carry on, Sabrina.”
“Yes, my parents were posted overseas, because they have really cool jobs, but they wanted me to stay here with my uncle and go to a good school.”
“But this school is a DUMP!”
That stopped me dead in my tracks. It wasn’t the rude language. I had heard mean words before, even at the Palace. The cooks and cleaners were always complaining and swearing in the kitchens, assuming no one could hear them. So I wasn’t shocked about the rudeness. I was shocked that I’d been interrupted, twice. No one had ever interrupted me before. At the Palace, royals could talk for hours and everyone had to listen. But that horrid, greasy-haired, gum-sucking baby at the back of the class had interrupted me. Twice!
“Agatha, please, let’s be kind today,” mumbled Miss Shufflebottom.
My behaviour wasn’t particularly regal, but I actually glared at my new teacher. No wonder she was lumbered with a name like Shufflebottom. She was a real shuffle-bottom, all weak and wobbly.
At the Palace, Miss Cruickshanks was known to have a cane for the other young royals. I’d never needed it. But we had all heard the rumours. The cane was a long, knotted stick full of splinters that had been passed from one Cruickshanks to another. My father and my grandfather had all feared the Cruickshanks Cane.
When I asked Daddy about it once, he giggled and said, “Oh yes, make sure you never get to meet the famous Cruickshanks Cane. It’s a killer cane!”
So I knew not to mess with old Miss Quick-Pants. No matter how saggy and wrinkly she got, the old bat always had the legendary Cruickshanks Cane.
But this Shufflebottom had nothing, not even a booming voice.
“But it is a dump! It’s rubbish! It’s garbage! It’s absolutely—”
And then she called the school something I simply refuse to repeat, even in a private autobiography that will be locked in my bedroom drawer. She leaned back on her chair and chewed the gum on the inside of her cheek.
“Agatha, please, we have spoken about this many times.”
Miss Shufflebottom’s voice had gone even softer and lighter. It was all tingly and gooey, like she was talking to a baby. She really was useless.
Agatha snarled at Miss Shufflebottom. “Spoke about what, Miss? You’re the one who says we’ve got to express our feelings, right? Well, those are my feelings, Miss. This school is a dump and your classroom is a dump, right?”
And then she looked right at me.
Every head in the class swivelled from Agatha to me. It was like the audience of a tennis match at the Palace. Even Miss Shufflebottom looked at me. She probably didn’t even realise she was looking at me. But I’m sure she was delighted. The class’ attention had shifted from her to me. I didn’t know what to say.
“Come on, new girl, don’t be shy,” Agatha shouted across the classroom. “Yeah, you, with the long hair and the pretty eyes, what do you think about this dump? Tell us the truth. Go on. Even this classroom is a smelly pile of dog poo.”
“Well, maybe that’s because you’re sitting in it.”
I heard the words fly across the classroom and realised they were mine. Daddy always said I was blessed and cursed with a tongue that was too fast for its own good.
Miss Shufflebottom’s jaw dropped so low, I could see the silver and black fillings at the back of her teeth. There were three. She didn’t eat enough fruit and vegetables.
And then I heard the laughing. Behind every desk, there was a student clutching his or her sides. They were really belly laughing, too. This wasn’t that kind of polite smiling I always had to put on when one of my grandparents told an offensive joke, but the real thing. Charles was wiping tears from his eyes. Even Miss Shufflebottom might have let a quick smile slip from her lips.
In fact, I blame Miss Shufflebottom for what happened next.
I was sneaking a peek at her half-smile when my peripheral vision spotted something flying through the air. I know all about peripheral vision. Our ponies at the Palace all had peripheral vision. Their eyes were stuck on the sides of their heads so they could see sideways. I tried to look out the side of my head like one of the Palace ponies, but I wasn’t fast enough.
A tiny, round brain flew towards me and hit me straight in the eye.
“Argh!” I shrieked. “I’ve been hit in the eye! I’m blind, Miss Shufflebottom, I’m blind!”
I must have really screamed because Miss Shufflebottom finally did some shuffling. She ran over and grabbed me by the shoulders. With one hand, she tilted my head back. Everything was blurry and scary. Through my stinging eyes, I saw her other hand coming towards my face.
“Argh! Argh! Argh! You’re pulling out my eyeball!”
“It’s not your eyeball,” she said calmly. “It’s just chewing gum. It’s Agatha’s chewing gum.”
I was sobbing now. I didn’t want to, not on my first day, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“You see? I told you this place was a dump,” said the girl I HATED more than any other person on the entire planet.
CHAPTER SEVEN
We were both sent to Miss Cannington’s office. She was the headmistress. I wasn’t scared. Not really. I knew what it was like to be really scared, properly scared. What was happening to my family back at the Palace, now that was scary.
This was just annoying.
The only person who looked totally terrified was Miss Shufflebottom. She had led us down the corridor in a hurry. I thought she was going to burst into tears outside the door.
“Are you going to come inside with us?” I whispered.
I had to whisper. My lip was quivering in a really weird way. My belly was flipping somersaults. I thought it was fear, at first, but then I realised it was anger. I wanted to smack the stinking gum-spitter beside me.
Naturally, Awful Agatha thought the whole thing was hilarious.
“Yeah, stay Miss,” she said, grinning her ugly head off at Miss Shufflebottom. “It’ll be a laugh with the old Cannibal.”
“Be quiet, Agatha, really, not another word from you,” Miss Shufflebottom hissed. “I’m sure I’ll have to come back and see Miss Cannington later.”
She knocked on the headmistress’ door, pushed us into the office and left.
“Sit down,” Miss Cannington muttered.
Miss Cannington had one of those soft voices of authority, rather like a royal voice. When she talked, others listened. She didn’t shout because she didn’t need to shout. She reminded me of my mother. Or at least I think she did. My mind was a muddle: Did Miss Cannington really remind me of Mummy or did I just really need Mummy because I’d been sent to Miss Cannington? I couldn’t decide and didn’t really want to. My eyes were still red and puffy from all that crying in the classroom.
We sat down. Even the brat beside me didn’t argue.
Miss Cannington sat behind a large, polished desk. She wore those glasses without rims, the ones that try to look invisible. Her hair was far too short to be fashionable. She was in trousers and a long-sleeved shirt, like she was taking part in a competition to look like a man.
She took a deep breath and held it for so long I thought she was having a heart attack.
“Agatha, Agatha, Agatha,” she eventually said, shaking her head.
She really did say the nasty girl’s name three times. Perhaps Awful Agatha was training to be a witch and Miss Cannington was trying to break the spell.
“Why do you keep doing this to yourself?”
“I didn’t do anything to myself, Miss.”
Agatha grinned and nodded towards my eye, the one that had just been splattered by her disgusting gum. I felt an urge, like boiling water was rising from the pit of my stomach and racing towards my head. I clenched my fists beneath my seat, but what I really wanted to do was yank the little monster’s greasy hair and flip her across Miss Cannington’s polished desk.
But I didn’t. Of course I didn’t. Princesses do not punch members of the public, no matter how irritating they are. Uncle Ernie always reminded me of my duties during our taekwondo lessons at the Palace. Never attack. Never retaliate. Always walk away.
But that was easy for Uncle Ernie to say. He’d never been hit in the eye with a fat glob of gum.
“No, you never seem to do anything, do you, Agatha? And yet, you always end up in my office, telling me, yet again, that you didn’t do anything. You must be the unluckiest girl in the world.”
Miss Cannington sounded a bit like Uncle Ernie. He was sarcastic, too.
“I’m not saying nothing,” Agatha said.
“No, you’re not saying anything,” Miss Cannington corrected. “If you’re not saying nothing, then you’re saying something. It’s a double negative.”
“Then I’m doubly negative not saying nothing.”
That made me giggle. I couldn’t help it. Awful Agatha sounded ridiculous. Now the headmistress and the little pest were both staring at me.
“Are you making fun of me?”
Agatha’s eyes were so wide I could see the little red
veins inside.
“No.”
“Yes, you are. Don’t make fun of the way I talk.”
“I’m not.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“What? No.”
“You think I’m stupid.”
“I don’t.”
“If you think I’m stupid, I’ll take you outside and—”
“Agatha, that’s enough,” Miss Cannington interrupted. “There’s no need to show off.”
“I’m not showing off. She’s the one showing off. She made fun of me in class. She said I was disgusting. Now she’s saying I’m stupid.”
“I’m sure she didn’t say any of those things, did you, Miss …”
That annoyed me. The headmistress didn’t even know my name. Where I’m from, every single person in the country knows my name. All right, I’m a princess, but that’s not the point, is it? I hadn’t joined Miss Cannington’s rotten school on the first day of term. I arrived in the middle of term. I was the only one. Just me, Sabrina Parslowe, the new kid in class. The one with chewing gum hanging from her eyeball. The one sitting beside the spitting witch. She’s only got one new name to remember, and she couldn’t even do that.
“Sabrina,” I mumbled. “My name is Sabrina Parslowe.”
“Oh yes, of course. You only started this morning, didn’t you?”
“Yes, Miss Cannington.”
“And you’re in my office already?”
“Yes, Miss Cannington.”
“And why are you in my office already, Sabrina?”
I turned my head slightly, but I didn’t want to look at her silly, smug face. I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction. I wanted to humiliate her. I wanted more than anything else in the w
orld to tell Miss Cannington what really happened. But Uncle Ernie had already told me that little white lies are sometimes necessary to protect a bigger, more important truth. I had to sit back and become the invisible princess.
“I got very emotional, Miss Cannington,” I said.
“I know you did. Miss Shufflebottom told me. She said there was an incident with some chewing gum. Isn’t that right, Sabrina?”
Awful Agatha and I looked at each other. She grinned at me again. The mad girl actually wanted me to tell tales. That would make me the snitch, the blabbermouth, the classroom rat. And everyone hates a rat. I knew it would be pretty hard to remain incognito if I were the most hated girl in class. I could see that Awful Agatha already had that title and she was welcome to it.
Her dopey grin showed her teeth. They were crooked and chipped, like gravestones in a cemetery. And they were turning yellow. She didn’t brush her teeth properly. What kind of girl didn’t brush her teeth properly? I almost felt sorry for her. Almost. I’m not sure why.
“It was just a misunderstanding,” I said. “Isn’t that right, Agatha?”
Her smile vanished. Her face was half-terrified and half-confused. For the first time all morning, she was truly lost for words. I almost laughed, but my giggling had landed me in enough trouble for one day.
“Are you sure, Sabrina?”
Miss Cannington obviously wasn’t convinced by my little white lie. I needed Awful Agatha to back me up.
“Yes, Miss Cannington. It’s my first day, I’ve just moved to a new town, my parents are working overseas and I’m a little lost. So we just had a bit of a misunderstanding.”
I nodded at Awful Agatha. She blinked and snapped out of her daze.
“Er, yeah, that’s right. We had a miss … a miss-undies …”
“A misunderstanding,” I added helpfully.
Awful Agatha’s head suddenly flicked around like a cobra’s tongue. “Are you making fun of me again?”
“What? No.”
“Yeah, you are. You’re making fun of me because I can’t say your big, fancy words.”
Princess Incognito: a Royal Pain in the Class Page 3