“You didn’t tell them?” I asked, “I thought you invited me to Christmas with your family so that we could tell them. I know we aren’t public, but why did you want me to meet your parents if I’m just going to be your friend to them?”
“I’m scared,” she admitted, “I’ve never told them that I’m a lesbian. And they are going to hate me. You don’t understand.”
“Yes, I do! My parents were also strict, but I stood up to them years ago,” I snapped.
“Standing up and leaving aren’t the same thing. I want my parents in my life. I love them.”
Something about what she said felt like a dagger in my chest. But I knew she was right. I never wanted my parents to stay in my life after I left. I didn’t love them, at least, not like that.
I took a deep breath, and looked at my beautiful girlfriend who was freezing on the front step, and at her necklace. She reminded me of myself when I still lived with parents.
“You don’t have to tell them if you don’t want to. I understand,” I reassured her. “But, if you want to, I’m here for you. No matter what they say, I’ll be here.”
She nodded slowly ,“Will you stay for Christmas?”
“Come here,” I said, wrapping my arms around her as she shivered, “Of, course. I’m so sorry, Sarah. I was just caught off guard. I don’t like having to switch between being close and being distant all the time.”
“Maybe I can find a way to tell them. Just not today. I’m not ready,” she whispered.
I played my fingers in her curls and she pulled away and looked at me with sweet eyes. She got up on her tiptoes and gave me a kiss on my forehead. But just as she did, the front door swung open. It was her mother.
“Sarah, I’m going to need you in the kitchen in a few minutes to help me with…”she stopped and looked between us, “Oh. I see.”
Sarah’s mouth was agape, and her eyes were wide. Her mother’s mouth, on the other hand, was pursed shut. After a few more frozen, silent moments, she spoke again.
“I need to see you in the house, now, Sarah. I’m sure your father will want a word with you about this. Goodbye, Emily.”
“No,” I said, taking her hand, “I’m staying with Sarah.”
Her mother glared at me, but after a pause, she said, “Fine.”
Sarah looked at me, tears now streaming quietly down her face, and she was shivering even harder. I squeezed her hand and gave her a nod, and she and I went back into the house to face her parents.
Chapter 25
Sarah’s mother went immediately over to her father and whispered in his ear, then turned to us with one more sharp look, and went quietly back into the kitchen.
“Sarah! In here. Now,” her father barked.
She shook off my hand and went to stand in the living room, her eyes were turned down. I stood beside her, watching her face.
“So, you and this woman here are pretending to be some sort of couple? Did it ever occur to you that you two are both women? You are a disgusting sinner. What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Daddy, please, just listen,” she begged, almost hysterically.
“No! You listen. You are my daughter, and I will not have you living like this. I didn’t raise you like this,” he snapped. His face was turning purple and his hands were shaking, but he stayed seated.
Sarah broke down in tears and I wrapped her in my arms, letting her cry on my shoulder. “It’s going to be okay,” I whispered.
“You are going to rot in Hell, and I’m not having you drag me down with you. You are no longer my daughter. You want to live like this, fine. But you aren’t any part of my life. Come on, Carol! We are leaving.”
Sarah’s mother stepped silently out of the kitchen, putting on a black all-weather coat, and Sarah’s father threw on a big brown leather coat. Then the two of them walked out the door without looking back.
Sarah collapsed to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, and I sat beside her and rubbed her back in the silence. After a while, her sobs became quiet tears, and she laid on the couch.
I went into the kitchen and made sure everything was turned off, and I cleaned up a bit, wrapping up the cooked food, throwing out the rest, and washing the dishes for Sarah. I then went back to the living room to check on her, but she was half-asleep.
“Sarah?” I asked, kneeling down beside the couch.
Her eyes fluttered open, still red and puffy from crying, “Yes?”
“Would it be okay if I stay here with you tonight?”
Tears started to well up in her eyes again, and she nodded. I kissed her forehead, brushing my lips carefully against her soft skin. I had never wanted to care for someone so much.
“I’ve got to go get a few things from the B&B, but I’ll be back in a little while, okay?”
She nodded again, then wiped her tears on her sleeve and rolled over. As I walked away, I heard her sniffle and mumble something that sounded like, “Thanks for being here for me, Emily.”
It was late enough in the afternoon that the sun was almost set, and the cold winter wind howled through the streets blowing leftover snow, and scattering it over the sidewalks. It was so cold, the blistering wind soaked through my jacket before I made it back to the B&B.
I could hear pots and pans clanging in the kitchen when I went in. I walked up the stairs to my room, and packed a bag with a couple of my outfits and some toiletries, leaving about half my stuff still in my drawers. On my way down the stairs, I saw John emerge from the kitchen.
“Hey, Emily. We are just making some dinner. Did you want some?”
“No, that’s okay. I’m not hungry.”
“Is everything okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, it’s just been a long day.”
“So, are you running away, then?”
“Oh, this?” I looked down at the small suitcase I had beside me, “No, I’m just going to spend a little extra time with Sarah right now.”
“That sounds nice,” he smiled, turning to go back into the kitchen. Before he finished crossing the dining room, he turned back around to face me, “Emily?”
“Yes?”
“What do you think of Kiuchi?”
“What do I think of her? She’s nice. Why?”
“I was going to invite her out here for a visit. What do you think?”
“I think,” I started, pausing to think about what had just happened at Sarah’s house, “I think you should talk to her parents.”
John laughed out loud, “Her parents? She is a grown adult, and so am I.”
“So? She might care what her parents think. She might want her parents to approve of her and to be okay with her choices. She might want her parents in her life, and if you do something that upsets her parents you will hurt her. Maybe they won’t want you guys together.”
John looked at me with a raised eyebrow, “Wow, okay then. Merry Christmas to you.”
John disappeared into the kitchen, and I slipped out the front door with my bag.
The weight of my heart slowed my footsteps as I wandered the streets in the bitter cold. I couldn’t convince myself to go back to Sarah’s house, yet. I had one more place I needed to stop. One more ‘Merry Christmas’ to say.
Chapter 26
My parent’s gravestones were covered in a thin layer of ice. I knelt down in front of them, tears streaming down my face. I hated them, and yet, I was devastated that I was unable to share that Christmas with them. I couldn’t tell them what had happened to me.
“You would hate me, if you saw me now,” I laughed, wiping tears from my stinging cheeks, “I’m not just the kid that ran away to California. Now, I’m going to be divorced, and I’m dating another woman. Her name is Sarah, and her parents found out about us today.
“She lost them. They are alive, but they want nothing to do with her now, and I can’t help thinking it’s because of me. Today is Christmas, and it always reminds me of how I lost you. And now I caused Sarah to lose her parents, too. Everything is falling
apart. I just wish I knew what you would say right now. I wish you were here.”
My tears fell to the ground, turning into ice on top of the layer of snow that I was kneeling in. The church bells chimed, low and mournful in the tower above me, and groups of people poured out of the church, clutching their coats to them as the wind howled.
Light streamed out from behind the large wooden doors, and my feet were suddenly under me, walking me towards the warmth of the church, with my bag dragging through the snow behind me. The moment I stepped inside I was hit with a wave of heat, and my hands began to tingle as the feeling returned to them. I left my suitcase in a corner by the front door.
There were a few people still left in the pews, praying in silence, but for the most part, the church was empty. It was exactly as I remembered it from when I was a little girl: hollow, and intimidating. The ceiling was a few stories up with curved wood holding up the roof. The walls were cream, and the pews were dark wood, with red cushions on the seats and kneelers.
The altar, tabernacle, and candle holders were all shiny gold. And the central decoration in the church was a large crucifix of Jesus on the cross, covered in blood, which hung on the wall above the altar. It was roughly the size of a bus.
To the right of the pews was a small wooden door to a back room. Above the door was a sign that read ‘Confession’ and another sign beside it which read ‘Open.’
My feet, which had led my numb body into the church for warmth, led me over to the confession door, seeking answers. I entered the little room and took a seat, just as I had done a hundred time as a child.
“Tell me your sins, my child,” the priest said in a heavy tone through a black mesh screen. I didn’t recognize his voice as any priest I knew, so I felt calm enough to open up a bit about what I was going through.
“Well, you see, I have been getting ready to divorce my husband,” I said, looking down at the floor and fidgeting with my coat.
“You know that divorce is a sin?”
“Yes,” I answered, not really believing it.
It was then that I knew how Sarah was so easily able to forget that she was an adult and become submissive to her parents. I could feel myself reverting back to the same thoughts and feelings of guilt that I had years before.
“Then why do you seek to divorce your husband?”
“I’m afraid of him. I don’t want to be hit anymore.”
“I see. Well, I’m sure that with repentance and prayer, the Lord shall forgive you, so long as you do not seek another until it is annulled. Are there any other sins you wish to confess?”
I rubbed my hands together, trying to get rid of my nerves, “Yes, I need advice. I think I already know what you are going to say, but the obvious answers don’t feel right.”
“Don’t make assumptions, child,” he assured, “God is mysterious.”
“Well, there is this woman. I want to be with her in a way that I have never wanted to be with another woman before.”
“Homosexuality is a sin. You know this?”
“Yes. And the whole idea of it is very new to me, and yet, it feels natural to be with her. I don’t know what to do,” I sighed, covering my face with my hands.
“Well, do you love her?” asked the priest.
“Do I love her?” I repeated his question, searching my thoughts for an answer, “Wait, does that even matter?”
I heard the priest sigh, and there was a pause before he answered, “The Bible teaches us that love covers over sins, that there is no power greater than love, and that God is love. Of course, the Catholic Church is not accepting of homosexuality, and I am not saying that it is not a sin. It is. But what I am saying is that love, itself, is of God.”
“Do I love her?” I repeated again, this time in a whisper.
“Let me ask it in this way,” he said, “When you do things for her or spend time with her, do you do it for selfish reasons, or do you do it for her and her happiness?”
I thought back over my experiences with her. There were definitely a lot of things that I had done, that to me, felt selfish. But after everything that had happened with her family, all I wanted was to see her happy again. If that meant being with her more often, I would. And if that meant leaving her alone, I would do that, too. I just wanted her to be okay.
“I love her,” I answered, a bit shocked at the way the words seemed to flow so easily out of my mouth.
“There is your answer,” he said, “Pray your rosary ten times and ask for forgiveness. Peace be with you, child.”
“I love her!” I said, much louder this time.
I leapt from my seat, throwing open the door to the confessional. I snatched my bag up from beside the front doors to the church, and I dashed down the street, back to Sarah’s house.
Chapter 27
I burst through the front door of Sarah’s house and threw off my coat and hat. I left the suitcase by the door, and flew to the living room, dropping down beside her. She was awake, laying down on the couch and playing some sort of shooting game on the TV.
“Sarah! I’m back, and I brought enough stuff to stay for days if you’d like,” I said, grinning and looking over her expression.
She paused her game, and looked down at me with wide eyes, “Really?”
“Yes, really. I want to spend time with you. I want to be here with you.”
She put her controller aside and jumped up throwing pulling me up from the ground and hugging me, jumping up and down, “Yay! I’m so excited! Thank you, Emily.”
I stepped back, my face hurting from how much I was smiling. “And it’s still Christmas. There is a lot of food made that I packed up and put in the fridge. Should we warm it up and have some dinner?”
“That sounds nice,” she smiled, “Do you play video games?”
“No, not really. I’ve never really tried it,” I shrugged.
“Could I maybe show you after dinner? It always help me destress, and I never get to play with other people unless I play online. I’d love to play with you.”
“Sure, that sounds like fun.”
Sarah and I warmed up some sugared yams, the stir-fried vegetables, and finished cooking the roast duck. The food had a bit of the leftover taste, even though it was only made earlier that day, but it was still filling.
“Emily?” Sarah asked, pushing the vegetables around on her plate with her fork, “Do you think my parents will ever talk to me again?”
“I don’t know,” I said, folding my hands on my lap and looking down at my own plate, “But the important thing is that you have time to find out.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well,” I sighed, “Earlier today I went to go talk to my parents about us.”
“Are they still around here?” she asked, looking excited for a moment.
“They are buried at the graveyard by the Catholic church.”
“Oh…I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. Honestly, I really never liked my parents, and I don’t think they would like me very much now, either. But, there is part of me that wishes I could know for sure. I want to be able to tell them about my life and who I’ve become. And about…” I trailed off, thinking over if I should tell her about my revelation from confession.
She was looking at me quietly with teary eyes.
“Never mind,” I said, shaking my head, “So, what kind of videogames are you going to teach me about?”
Her eyes lit up a little bit and she snatched up our plates and set them down in the kitchen before coming back out and pulling out a black zipper case from beside the TV.
“No, no, no,” she mumbled, flipping through the discs before stopping at one, “Yes! Let’s try World War Space. We each pick a country and two other countries to back us up, and then we fight in space on different planets and stuff with laser guns. It’s really fun.”
I laughed. Her enthusiasm illuminated her face and she was practically bouncing up and down. She was so adorable I just wanted to kiss her.
“Okay, that sounds like an interesting game.”
We sat down on the couch together, and she went over all the buttons with me. I probably died something like 100 times before I ever actually shot anyone, but after about an hour, I started to get the hang of it and we had a lot of fun. We laughed, and shot laser guns, and blew things up in an imaginary world. And for a little while, the real world became a little easier to handle.
I wasn’t sure how long we played the game for, but eventually we ended up cuddling on the couch, holding hands, fast asleep. It was a cozy Christmas night.
I stayed at her house until New Year’s Eve, when we went back to the B&B for a little party. John was well enough to work again, and he had helped Margaret check out the visiting families the day before, so it was just us four.
Most of the Christmas decorations were still up, but John had set up his phone on the mantle with a live video of the ball drop in Times Square. Margaret passed out shiny silver party hats and pink champagne. Her demeanor made it appear she might have already had a few glasses.
Sarah wore the locket I had given her, and she held my hand openly during the party. I finally felt like we were turning into a real couple. John spent some time video chatting Kiuchi, and it was nice to see him so happy and excited. His face was almost completely healed.
While we were all together, I decided to turn in my job application to Margaret. I wasn’t sure how much time Sarah would have to spend together once school started up again after the holidays, so I just marked that I was always available, and I was going to let Margaret decide my schedule for me.
As the time got closer to midnight, we all sat together on the couches with our drinks in our hands, watching the small screen of John’s phone anxiously.
10…9…8…7…6…5…knock, knock, knock. There was someone at the door. I was closest to it, so I let go of Sarah’s hand to go and answer it. 4…3…2…I opened the door and the cold air from the street rushed in. 1…there was celebratory cheering from the living room, but I couldn’t make a sound. I stood, frozen in place, staring into the eyes of the man in the doorway. It was Hector.
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