by Gina Azzi
“I want to go to Carter’s with you,” I admit. “I want to do all the things you planned. It’s just weird, sometimes, having had certain experiences already with someone else. And I don’t know what to make of that.”
James pulls back and his eyes search mine. “Do you regret them? The past experiences?”
I shake my head slowly. How can I regret them? Being with Jerry, even though it ended awfully, still brought me Miles.
I expect James to be put off but instead, he smiles. “Good. I don’t either. I have no regrets about my past, Bella. But I also don’t want to have regrets about my present. I want to try this with you.”
I bite my bottom lip, losing myself in his eyes. “Me too.”
“So we go slow. We do this at our pace, at what we’re comfortable with. We just need to communicate, babe. You can tell me anything; you’re not going to scare me off and you’re not going to offend me. Our situation, it’s unique. And we’re both still working through a lot of painful things.” His hand finds mine once more. “But I want you.”
“Me too, James. More than you know,” I admit, my body relaxing under his touch, my mind clearing from his words.
“Oh, I have a pretty good idea.” His eyes flash and I smile. My pelvis tilts upward to meet his and I almost groan at the contact. He’s already hard, wanting me the same way I want him.
“Take me to dinner first,” I joke.
But he doesn’t laugh. “Of course, Bella. The night is young.” With that, James presses a kiss to my mouth. It’s sensual, soulful, and I dive just a little bit deeper into this thing between us.
“We keep doing this in the wrong order,” I murmur when he pulls back.
He smirks, shaking his head again. “Nah, we’re just doing it in our order.”
“Yeah,” I agree, liking the sound of that.
I step out of the house with James and we walk to his SUV. By the time I click in my seat belt, all of my reservations have dissipated. I no longer care what anyone except me and the man sitting next to me thinks. Our relationship is ours and we’re going to grow it the best way we can. Together.
11
James
I’m out of my element with Bella Andrews. Not because she’s drop-dead gorgeous. Or because she’s intelligent, compassionate, and great with my kids.
Nope. I’m out of my league because being with her makes me feel whole again. She rearranges my broken into a mosaic that’s healing. Her presence both roots me when I feel uncentered and injects a lightness into the heavy my life has become. In a way, she found me, and reminded me of the man I used to be. The teammate I was before. The father I always swore I’d grow into.
She smiles at me across the table at Carter’s and my chest twists, a complicated tornado of emotions. Does desiring Bella the way I am lessen my commitment to Layla? Am I ready for this next step? If we take it, is it too soon? Does Bella look at me and see a new future? Or a distraction from her painful past?
“You look very serious,” she comments, calling me out.
I smile and lift my wine glass. “I’m just thinking.”
“About?”
“Pretty heavy stuff for a first real date.”
She laughs, the sound tugging at my heartstrings. It’s the same sweet music of that first night, easy and melodic. “Good thing we’ve done everything backwards so you can confide in me instead of keeping it all bottled up.” She lifts an eyebrow in challenge and relief rolls through me.
She’s right. Of course she is.
I lean forward, my hand reaching for hers as I lower my voice. “Sometimes, it scares me. How much I feel for you. It just seems…” I trail off, trying to organize my thoughts so I can explain them coherently.
“Too much too soon,” Bella supplies.
“Yes,” I breathe out. “I don’t want to feel like this.” I press a hand against my chest. “Guilty and worried and anticipating the worst. Because when I’m with you, Bella, you make me feel like me again.”
She bites her bottom lip, tilting her head to study me. “You feel guilty because of Layla?”
I nod slowly, hating that I’m admitting this to her. Hating that I even feel this way. It’s been over a year and while Layla was my partner in all things and I loved her with every fiber in my being, I’m finally realizing there’s enough room in my life, in my heart, to love Bella just as ferociously. Is that what this is? Love?
The thought should scare me. Instead, another piece seems to click into place and I feel…settled.
“Why the worry?” she asks.
I brush my thumb over the back of her hand. “Things happened so quickly between us. We’re both unpacking a lot of hurt, a lot of feelings. Sometimes I don’t know if we’re building something meant to last, if you even want that, or if it’s just for this phase of our lives. If we found each other at a moment when we need each other the most.”
Bella lets out a sigh and I realize she was holding her breath. “Does it matter? If we end up growing old together or if we’re just helping each other get to the next level of healing?”
My heart beats frantically as a wave of terror grips me. Does it matter? “Kind of,” I admit. Staring straight into her deep blue eyes, I say, “I’m falling for you, Bella. It’s come out of left field and I didn’t plan it but there it is. I’m in so deep with you and I’m terrified you don’t feel the same.”
Surprise ripples across her expression as she leans forward, our faces only inches apart, our voices hushed. The din of Carter’s fades away as I study Bella. The longing in her expression, the lick of heat in her eyes, the purse of her lips. What is she thinking? Is she happy? Excited? Or did I scare her away?
Her fingers tighten around mine. “James,” her voice is quiet and a sinking sensation settles in the pit of my stomach. Dammit. I was too forward, too brazen, too—
“I’m falling for you too.” Her voice is barely more than a whisper, and I have to lean even closer, my ears straining, to make sure I heard what I think I heard.
“You are?”
She nods, the sweetest smile curling her lips. “I never thought I’d find this again.” She gestures between us. “I never thought I’d ever meet anyone who would look at me and not see a train wreck.” Tears swell in her eyes and my heart breaks a little at all the hurt she’s endured, at all the pain her ex-husband piled on top.
“You’re not a train wreck, baby. You’re real, Bella, and trust me when I say this, real is the sexiest damn thing a woman could ever be.”
She smiles even as a tear rolls down her cheek. “I’m scared too. It’s like always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because this, with you, it seems—”
“Too good to be true.”
“Too much too soon,” she repeats.
“But you want this? With me?” I press for the clarification. Are we on the same page? Are we moving in the same direction? God, I hope so.
“I want this with you. All of it and all of you for all the days,” she murmurs, as clear a declaration as I’ve ever heard. Hope replaces my concern, filling me back up with a happiness I only seem to feel with Bella.
“Good,” I say. My grin splits my face and I can’t stop it. I don’t want to. “I know I did it all wrong with you, Bella, but I want this too.”
“You did it all right,” she says. “We were never going to have the traditional, do it in the right order, check all the boxes, kind of romance, James. We’ve both been through too much. We’ve both been holding ourselves back from happiness for too long.”
Her words pack a powerful punch because, is that what I’ve been doing? I think back to the past year, to my teammates’ subtle attempts to drag me out, to Maia’s not-so-subtle demands to keep living. Yes, I suppose I have been denying myself happiness because when I felt it, the guilt wrecked me. “You make me happy again, Bella. I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t even know where we go from here. All I know is that when I’m with you, I feel happy. And I haven’t felt th
at in a long time.”
She presses forward and places a kiss against my mouth. “I feel the same, James. Let’s just, do us.”
“Do us,” I agree, liking the sound of that. With Bella, there’s no pressure. There’s no checklist or mind games. There’s just us, two imperfect individuals, trying to find our way to a better tomorrow.
Together.
“Have you had a chance to look at the menu?” Our server appears at the end of our table and Bella blushes.
I squeeze her hand once before releasing her fingers and easing back in my seat. “Yes,” I say to the server. “Thanks.”
Bella and I order our steak dinners. Now that the serious conversation, the tough topics, that have been lingering in my mind all week are settled, it’s easy for me to relax. To embrace this happiness I’ve been denying myself.
“To you, Bella Andrews. You saved me.” I lift my wine glass in her direction.
She clinks her glass against mine and grins. “You saved me too, James.”
We drink to each other and to our blossoming relationship. Once our entrees arrive, we settle into a natural conversation. We talk about the twins, about hockey, about Bella’s career trajectory and future opportunities as a children’s therapist.
We share funny stories of our friends and siblings. We laugh easily, smile constantly, and after a round of cocktails and dessert, are surprised that we’ve been in Carter’s for nearly four hours.
As we exit the restaurant, I reach for Bella’s hand like I’ve been doing it for years. “Ready to go home?”
She glances up, her eyes bright. She winks saucily and I chuckle. “I’ve been ready for a while now, James.”
My chuckle is cut short as heat flares in her eyes. I feel it race through my body like a live wire. “Me too. Come on.” I tug on her hand and we run through the parking lot to my SUV.
We’re both laughing and breathless by the time we reach it.
I grin at her and she smiles at me and for a snapshot, the whole world looks clear again. I’m right where I’m supposed to be, with the right woman by my side.
I help Bella into the car and slide behind the wheel, suddenly desperate to get home.
Her eyes flare as she eases back against my bed. It’s not the first time Bella’s been in my bedroom but it’s the first time I’ve had her in my bed and I take a moment to appreciate that.
“You’re gorgeous.” I reach for her, hooking my palm around the back of her ankle so I can unzip the killer boots she’s rocking. When I first saw her in them, I had to stifle back my groan. But after a night of such honest conversation, and a few drinks, I take my time to admire every inch of her.
I pull the zipper down slowly as Bella perches up on her elbows, watching me. Her gaze darkens and she bites her bottom lip. Jesus, she’s sexy without even trying.
When her boots drop to the floor, I reach for her waistline and roll her tights down her legs until she’s clad in a black scrap of lace and a black dress that’s hiked up around her hips.
“Your turn,” she murmurs.
I smirk, kicking off my shoes and popping the button on my jeans while she shifts onto her knees to unbutton my shirt. When my shirt floats to the floor, she releases a shaky exhale. I shed my jeans next and she tugs her dress over her head, discarding it. When we’re both in our underwear, we drink each other in.
It’s different than our first night. That night, everything was desperate and a little bit clumsy. Hot with a current of neediness. Tonight, we move slower. We savor and linger, letting our eyes wander, allowing our touches to soak up the moment.
Bella reaches for me and I lean forward, kneeling on the bed until she falls back beneath me and I hover over her frame. Her dark hair spills around her face like a fan, like a halo, lighting up my personal angel. The one who brought me back from the brink, the one who’s made me whole again.
She tips her chin up, her eyes boring into mine. I lower slowly, my lips meeting hers in the sweetest of kisses. Her knees drop open and I settle in between her thighs, my hand swiping up her side to wrap around her breast. It’s the perfect size for my palm and as I squeeze and touch, she deepens our kiss, arching up into me.
Fuck, it’s heady. Being with Bella, having these sensations coursing through my body, having these feelings unraveling in my chest. I drop even lower, my tongue slipping in between her lips and dancing with hers. Her hips tilt upward to greet mine and her core presses firmly against my dick, already rock hard and desperate to get inside of her.
She moans, I groan, and our languid pace picks up. I kiss a trail down the column of her neck, loving it when her fingers grip my hair and tug. I yank down the cup of her bra, my mouth watering at the rosy pink of her nipple. I pull her breast into my mouth and suck, getting buzzed off her sweetness. Her hand grips the back of my head, pressing me even closer as I lave her breasts with attention.
With a quick flick, I pop her bra open and pull it off, leaning back so I can take her in. Jesus, she’s perfect. Pert, round breasts, her nipples pointing straight at me, begging to be touched. Her slim waist flares into hips I want to sink my fingers into. And her legs, long and lean, wrap around my lower back, filling my head with all sorts of dirty images. Desperate scenarios. I peel her panties off next, unhitching her legs just long enough to remove the lace.
“Want you, James.”
“Need you, Bella,” I tell her the truth. “Need you to come for me first.” I lower myself once more, snaking down her body. My fingers trail over her skin, featherlight, as I stroke her. My lips blaze a trail of heat until my head is in between her thighs. I part her core with my tongue, my hands settling on her inner thighs and prying them open.
She drops back, arching her back and moaning aloud. “Oh God, James.”
I love the need in her voice. I love that I’m the one making her thighs tighten up, causing her breathing to intensify.
“That’s it, Bella,” I blow against her sensitive flesh. I drag my tongue through her folds, slowly, savoring the taste of her sweetness against my tongue. She glistens for me, wet and begging, and when she groans again, I settle into a rhythm. My mouth works her over as my fingers plunge into her heat. Bella cries out and I quicken the pace. It doesn’t take long for her to shatter, breaking apart in my hands, against my lips, right before my eyes in the most beautiful display of pleasure I’ve ever witnessed.
Bella is uninhibited, unashamed, and I fucking revel in it.
“Oh God, James,” she says again.
I love the sound of my name on her lips, in that voice. I lose my boxer briefs and grip my dick. It’s already pulsing in my hand as I slide my hand over my shaft twice, pumping it slowly. Bella’s eyes widen and nearly roll back in her head as I drag the tip through her wetness, teasing her.
“Please, James. I need you,” she says, her voice tight and strained.
I reach into my bedside drawer and grab a condom from a box that Panda stashed in my hockey bag. At the time, I was pissed at him for being so damn insensitive but now, I could hug him for having some responsible foresight.
I roll it on, noting the way Bella watches intently, her face glowing, her teeth nibbling her bottom lip. When I’m fully sheathed, I line myself up at her entrance. “Ready?”
She flops back again, her eyes finding mine. “Yes, please.”
I grin. “You’re a good girl, Bella Andrews.” I push to enter her, practically seeing stars. “And so fucking tight. Wet.”
“For you,” she murmurs, her hands covering her breasts.
“Fuck,” I swear as she plays with her nipples, rolling them between her fingers as I plunge forward.
Once I’m all the way in, I take a deep breath, steadying my hammering heart rate. Bella moans again and I pray to Jesus that I can last long enough because damn, having her writhing below me is already more than I bargained for. Other than the night after Taps, with Bella, I haven’t been with a woman since Layla.
In this moment, it all seems to catch up wi
th me because I’m suddenly desperate, my body burning from the inside out for her touch. For her sweetness. For her.
I slide in and out several times before increasing the tempo. Bella and I fall into a rhythm, her meeting my thrusts, me working her over steadily.
“Yes, James. Right there,” she cries out, her fingernails digging into my hip, her thighs clenching.
I grip the headboard with one hand as I pound into her, my eyes trained on her face. I take in every expression that flits across her face and let it fuel me, fill me up with so much light and goodness, that when we break apart, her first and me a few seconds later, my body feels like air and my mind settles.
Completely and totally.
I collapse forward and roll Bella in my arms. We’re both panting, our limbs in a complicated tangle we’re both too drained to work out.
“That was incredible,” she says.
“You’re incredible, Bella. Fuck, you’re, you’re everything.” I kiss her ear, pulling her closer against my chest.
She wraps her arms around mine, gathering our hands against her hot skin. “I’m falling for you, James.” She shifts slightly, just so our eyes can meet. “Don’t let me hit the ground, okay?”
The vulnerability in her eyes undoes me, the thread of fear in her voice twists something deep inside my soul. I know the courage it takes to open yourself up again after a devastating loss. I know the type of trust it takes to do what we just did and be sincere about it. I would never put Bella in a position to question if this, us, is a mistake.
“Never, baby,” I promise, dropping my lips to hers. I kiss her slowly, soulfully, with promises and intentions and plans for a future I’ve been too scared to envision.
She turns in my arms, until our chests our pressed together, our heartbeats thrumming in unison. In an instant, I harden against her leg and she giggles against my lips. I reach for her, sliding my fingers over her center. “You’re wet again.”