by Gina Azzi
How did I not realize sooner that this is a fundamental need for her? How much about her and her past do I not know? Insecurities rise to the surface as I recall meeting her brother in Taps last night. He mentioned her divorce, her PhD program. Why didn’t she tell me about these things? Why didn’t she trust me with them?
Too much too soon.
Bella’s words come back to me. Is she right? Did we rush into this?
“Why are you here?” she repeats, her expression guarded, her voice uncertain.
I sigh, reaching out again and placing my hands on her shoulders. “I needed to see you.”
She dips her head. “How’s Milly? Where are the twins?”
“Confused,” I admit. “She was surprised to see us together and to be honest, I’m not sure how she feels about it. Maia’s fiancé took them to the movies.”
“Of course,” Bella agrees. “It must have been a shock for her and since I’m not her mother…”
She lets her sentence trail but now that I’m aware of it, I hear the silence for what it is. I’m not her mother because I’m not part of your family.
“Are you okay?” I ask her.
“Where do we go from here?” she responds, letting my question dangle.
“I don’t know,” I admit quietly, feeling my stomach twist as the words shatter the air. “It’s going to take Milly some time to get used to us.”
“Is there an us?” Her voice is small but her eyes hold mine, unwavering.
“I’d like there to be.” I grasp her fingers in my hand. “I love you, Bella. I can’t just turn that off. I just think we need to…tread carefully.”
“Right,” she replies automatically.
I frown, feeling like I’m missing something. Something big. “What’s going on? What aren’t you telling me?”
She chuckles, the sound exasperated. “James, just be honest with me. Milly being uncertain of us is an issue, isn’t it?”
I nod, because yeah, my daughter struggling with my dating, with my having a relationship with Bella, isn’t something I’m going to overlook. I’m not capable of it and up until this second, I didn’t think Bella was either.
“I just, I thought I was becoming a part of your family,” she murmurs quietly. Tears fills her eyes and my stomach twists at the sight of her hurting. “I thought we were building something together.”
“You are. We are.”
“Do you want more children?” she asks out of left field.
“What?” I frown, staring at her. “I don’t know. I never…I never thought about it before.”
“Right. Because you already have kids.” She tosses an arm in my direction, as if that settles is.
“Don’t put words in my mouth,” I say, starting to lose my patience. “I never thought about it because I was never in a serious relationship, talking about the future, the way I am now. If you want to discuss having children—”
“Or adopting.”
“Or adopting, then we can do that. But not tonight, not when we’re both upset and wading through all of this.” I gesture to the room at large, as if that will clarify all the things we’re now dealing with.
Bella glares at me but behind the anger in her eyes is a fear that scares me. “Do you think Milly is upset because you’re dating me or because you’re dating in general?” she asks quietly.
“I don’t know.”
“You can tell me the truth.”
“I am. I didn’t get much out of Milly.” I narrow my eyes at her, unable to get a pulse on her emotions. She’s all over the place.
“I think we should respect her concerns and give her…time.”
“Time?” I repeat.
“Did you have another suggestion?” she asks, crossing her arms over her chest. Her posture is suddenly defensive, her voice holding an edge I don’t care for.
I shake my head. “No. But, I don’t want to call things off with us either. I’m still planning to take the kids to Delaware for the holidays to be with Layla’s family. It will be good for them to spend time with family and to have a break from Boston, from all the traditions Layla used to do in the house.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? That’s all you’re going to say. You still haven’t given me an answer about spending the holidays with us and I still want you to come, if you’d like.”
“What do you want me to say?” She shrugs. “You’ve made a decision that’s right for your family and now you’ve told it to me. And…I don’t think that’s a good idea, given everything that’s going on.”
“What the hell is happening here? It’s like I don’t even recognize you right now. I thought we were in this together. I thought we were building a future together.”
“Milly hated seeing us together, James!” Bella shouts, throwing her arms in the air. “She hated seeing me in her mother’s bedroom. And can you blame her? I’m not her mother. I’m not anyone’s mother. I want to be part of a family. And this morning, you made it really clear that you already have one. That there’s no room for me.”
“That’s not true, Bella. I didn’t mean for it to… just, calm down. Let’s—”
“Don’t tell me to calm down. My feelings are valid. What you said to Milly and Mason this morning—”
“Was me trying to reassure them.”
“So, you lied to them? Either you think I could belong to your family or not.”
“I know that.” I squeeze her fingers again in an attempt to take the sting out of my words. Leading her into Selina’s living room, I sit on the couch and tug her down beside me. “What’s going on, Bella?”
She shakes her head. “I can’t keep existing in this limbo, James. Either we’re together or we’re not. I respect Milly and I understand that she may need time. But I’m not emotionally strong enough to live in your house, care for your children, see you every day, and not be together. And I’m not at a point where I can continue a relationship with a man who doesn’t want the same things as me. I want a family. To be part of a family. I don’t want to be an outsider, existing on the edge.”
Her words are absolute and direct, an ultimatum underlining her tone that causes me to rear back. “I can’t make those decisions right now and you know it. So, what are you really saying?”
“I’m saying, I need you to be honest with me. Are we in this together or not? Can we desire the same things for the future or no?”
I narrow my eyes at her, irritated how she’s glossing over everything. Boiling down huge issues into mere sentences. “Honesty? You want to talk about honesty? Why was Jerry here, Bella? Did he just randomly show up? Why didn’t you tell me about how ugly your divorce was? Or how about you shed some light on why you run every morning, like a junkie addicted to heroin? Pushing yourself until you’re ready to collapse?”
She pulls her hand away from mine and glares at me. “That’s not fair. That has nothing to do with you. With us.”
But now I’m angry. How dare she think I’m not in this with her? When I’m right here, still asking her to celebrate Christmas with my family. Still wanting to work through everything and have her live in my home. “Doesn’t it? It’s like I don’t even know you sometimes. You only let me see the pieces you want and sidestep the rest.”
“That’s not true. You’ve seen more of me than, than anyone else. Even Dr. Carlisle thinks so.” She bites down hard, rolling her lips together.
I narrow my eyes, my anger spiking. “Who the hell is Dr. Carlisle?”
Bella hangs her head and mutters, “He’s my therapist.”
I throw a hand in the air, an incredulous chuckle dropping from my lips. “And you didn’t think that was something you should mention to me? To confide in me about when I’ve shared every fucking thing with you? Everything. And I come here tonight to find fucking Jerry standing on the other side of the threshold.” I stand up from the couch, walking a few paces away to put space between us, to clear my head. This conversation is going all wrong.
Everyth
ing about today is all wrong.
I whirl to face Bella. “I love you, Bella. I am in love with you. And as much as you want to sit here and try to paint a picture where I’m not all in the way you are, I call bullshit. Becoming a family, having children, adoption, those are conversations we would have eventually discussed. As our relationship progressed, it would have naturally come up. But no, until I met you, I never considered marrying again. The thought of having more babies never crossed my mind. But those future hypotheticals have nothing to do with right now. You’ve never been as invested in this relationship as I’ve been. If you were, you would have opened up about your baggage a hell of a lot earlier. You would have trusted me the same way I trusted you. We were planning to tell my children about us when you haven’t even told your parents. Your brother. Does Dr. Carlisle know?”
Bella’s eyes flare, her mouth dropping open. “That’s not fair, James.”
“None of this is fair.” I gesture between us. In my pocket, my phone buzzes and when I slip it out, Maia’s name flashes across the screen. I swear, shaking my head. “I gotta go. I’m leaving for Delaware on Wednesday. I’ll see if Maia and her mom can help with childcare so you can have some time off. Go home for the holidays, see your family. Will I see you when we get back?”
She nods stiffly, averting her gaze. “In the new year, I’ll stay at the house when you’re traveling but I can’t live with you guys anymore.”
I chuckle humorlessly. “So that’s it? You’re pumping the brakes, just like that?”
She glares at me, her blue eyes glittering like hardened gemstones. “Consider it self-preservation. I’m already in too deep with a family that was never going to be mine.”
Her words pummel me, a jab to the temple I never saw coming. I back away slowly, holding up a hand in defense. “Merry Christmas, Bella,” I mutter as I near the door.
She holds my gaze until I open the door and slip outside, into the cold winter night. I don’t feel the drop in temperature though because inside, I’m blazing, an inferno wreaking havoc on my nervous system.
What the hell just happened? Why did Bella push me away? How large and looming are the demons she’s battling? Why wouldn’t she tell me about Dr. Carlisle and therapy?
The realization that she’s withheld a lot more than I have cuts deep because I thought I could trust her. I thought we were moving forward together, helping each other heal.
Instead, I feel like I did waking up in that hotel room over the summer—foolish, embarrassed, and ashamed. Lost.
20
Bella
The ocean waves of the Pacific crash against the California coastal bluffs, spraying sea and salt into the air. I grip the neckline of my robe tighter as I step out onto the balcony. The temperature, a balmy 50 degrees, is much warmer than Boston but still, I feel cold. I have since James walked away, leaving me to stare into the void, the rush of my anger and hurt cooling into a frozen tundra that still hasn’t thawed.
“You hungry?” Colton appears beside me, shielding his eyes from the sunshine as he turns toward me.
“No thanks.”
“You have to eat, Bells.”
I nod, even though I haven’t had much of an appetite lately.
My brother sighs. “Why don’t you call him?”
“And say what?” I don’t tear my gaze from the ocean, the swirling whitecaps and fog layering on the horizon. The Pacific is a complicated, dangerous sea that can drown you as quickly as it can infuse your soul with joy.
Over six years ago, I married Jerry on a beach much like this one. I gazed into his eyes and thought I saw my forever staring back at me.
I snort, my thoughts too depressing to be ironic.
“You’re still working for his family, Bells. Unless you decided to call it quits on that too?”
My neck swivels toward my brother at the sharpness in his tone. It’s unlike Colton to tough love me when I’m feeling so low. I narrow my eyes but he crosses his arms and lifts his eyebrows, waiting for my words.
“No, I’m still working for the Ryan family.”
“Right.” Colton nods. “Because disappearing on Milly and Mason, after all they’ve been through, would be a pretty shitty thing to do. And my sister wouldn’t—”
“I’m not bailing,” I snap.
“No, you’re hiding. Again.”
I push away from the railing and throw my hands up in the air. “What does everyone want from me? I’m hiding, I’m running, I’m numb… I don’t know how the hell to be, okay? What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to try.” Colton’s voice is raw, scraped with emotion and jagged with the hurt of seeing me hurt. “I want you to stop pretending everything is fucking fine. Stop going through the motions of your goddamn life and embrace it. Feel something. Let it move you and break you and put you back together again. Because I can’t do this anymore, Bells.” He points at me. “I can’t keep trying to hold you together if you’re not going to at least try to be some goddamn glue.”
Colton storms off the balcony, the screen door sliding closed behind him. I sigh and turn back to the ocean. He’s right. Deep down I know he is. After James left, my brother and Selina returned to find me sobbing on my knees. At first, they thought Jerry had hurt me again but after I managed to get the whole story out, they both looked at me with a mixture of pity and judgment that made me recoil.
Milly’s a child. She needs you now more than ever. Don’t give up on them just because things with James are complicated. Why haven’t you told James everything? He doesn’t know that Jerry hit you? He doesn’t know about the anxious thoughts and the need to run? About Dr. Carlisle?
I didn’t have any good responses because deep down, they’re right. All of them, James included.
Colton decided I needed a time-out. Space and a chance of scenery to clear my head, be alone with my thoughts, and decide what I really want to happen next. If James and I have a future, will Milly and Mason want me as a stepmom? What do I even want to do with my life anymore?
Should I finish my PhD program to pursue the career I always thought I’d have? Is it still the career I want?
Can I make things right with James? Does he still want me? Can he forgive me?
Colton and Selina convinced me to take a time-out and my parents fully supported this decision. By the following afternoon, Mom and Dad had rented a place on Hermosa Beach, not too far from Los Angeles. Selina had packed up some of her clothing and toiletries, with Colton promising to purchase the rest. And I’m beachside in December, soaking up sunshine and trying to ease my tears.
I close my eyes and let the wind blow across my face. Instead of breaking down the way I would have a few years ago, I focus on my breathing. I let the sea soothe me. I let my thoughts wander, flitting in and out of my mind in their own time.
I am not the woman I was then. I have grown. I have endured years of therapy and coping mechanisms. I have survived the worst of whatever could happen, whatever will happen. And I have persevered.
James was right. I am real and there is nothing more beautiful than that.
My lips part and an anguished scream bursts forth, piercing the air for a heartbeat before it’s swallowed by the wind. But releasing the hurt makes room in my chest for other things.
Like grace. Hope. A desire to do better, to be better.
I don’t know how long I stand at the railing, staring at the ocean. But when I return inside, Colton is seated at the dining table, a lunch spread out.
He quirks an eyebrow, giving me a look. “You ready to figure out what comes next?”
I nod, sitting across from him and taking a sip of the sparkling water. “What do you think I should do?”
Colton flashes his lopsided grin. “I think you should call Dr. Carlisle.”
I snort.
“You’ve been through a lot, Bella. But you can’t keep punishing yourself for losing Miles, for divorcing Jerry. It’s time for you to make a new plan, one that centers on y
our happiness, on creating the future you’d like to live.”
I nod slowly, considering his words. “Yeah.”
I look down at the plated food, a strip of salmon, a kale salad, some potatoes. Then I pick up my fork and take a mouthful, allowing myself to appreciate the good food, allowing myself to be present in this moment.
I will never be worthy of a man like James or a family of my own if I’m not willing to make myself whole. It may have taken me a long and twisted road to arrive at this point but my next step forward is done with intention. It is taken with a promise to myself.
To be a person Miles would have been proud to call Mom.
After lunch, I pick up the phone and call Dr. Carlisle.
In the following days, I hold multiple sessions with Dr. Carlisle. I spend stretches of hours walking along the beach, staring at the sea. I talk, I cry, I force myself to confront so many of the things I’ve kept buried for years. Since speaking with James about Miles, I find it easier to remember that time in my life with a flicker of gratitude for the baby I was able to hold, even for a moment. Slowly, I’m able to think of Miles’s presence as the blessing it was instead of the tragedy it became.
Christmas comes and goes. My parents fly out for a few days and we gather around the dining table, catching up and laughing at old memories, the way we used to in too many years past. The entire holiday leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth but as the days pass, the sour turns sweet.
I send Milly and Mason gifts and trinkets from the beach to let them know I’m thinking of them. That I haven’t forgotten them. That I will be back.
I’m eating breakfast one morning, waiting for Dr. Carlisle to call for our morning session, when my phone beeps.
James: Merry Christmas, Bella. Thank you for the gifts for the kids. You didn’t have to send anything.