by Ain Soph
“Elaborate on that. I get the gist of what you’re saying, but I need more.” Edric’s still looking away from me as he talks. His arms are crossed as he relaxes against the boulder, and his eyes are closed as if he’s sleeping, but I know he looks a lot calmer on the outside than he feels on the inside. He’s always been good at hiding his thoughts and feelings behind a cool facade, and now is no different. He understands exactly what I’m talking about, but Edric isn’t going to make things easy for me. He finally has me to a point where I can’t run away anymore, and he wants to make sure I’m going to say everything I need to loud and clear. I’m sure Edric has been waiting a long time to have this conversation.
“You know exactly what I’m sorry for, Edric. I’m sorry for leaving you. For disappearing. For not including you or telling you where I was going. When I left, I left with every intention of returning to Timberwood someday. I thought I’d just work through whatever issues I had and I’d come back to you, and at that we’d be able to talk about whatever feelings we had for one another, but then, Lucie wanted to stay close and we didn’t have the clean break I thought we were going to.” I grab Edric’s arm in an effort to turn his body toward mine. I’m unnerved by his coldness (he’s never acted that way toward me), and because of it, a desperate energy is starting to build withing me. I want everything to be okay between us, or at the very least feel like it’s fine. I want a bandaid basically, but only if I can’t create a complete fix for the situation. Edric and I had moments on the trip when it felt like everything was back to normal, and I never left him behind in Timberwood. I want the ease of those times. The Edric in front of me is unfamiliar, and my anxiety’s building. I’ve always kept myself distant from those around me and avoided most human contact. The resentment I have toward myself always kept me from feeling a part of society. I lied to myself, saying the distance would keep me alive, but maybe it just set me up for failure. I’m so distraught over Edric, I can barely focus on the mission even though I keep reminding myself to dedicate my mind to it. If I didn’t push people away so often, perhaps now I’d be more well equipped to balance both the mission and my personal life, instead of letting one consume me.
I know Edric’s angry with me not only because I left him behind, but also because he feels betrayed by me not telling him the full truth. I stuck around the area and avoided him as though he was a stranger I didn’t want to run into. Edric was close with his mother, but not even their relationship compared with ours. Our friendship even rivaled his and Lucie’s We were so impossibly close, that if our past selves were to see what became of our relationship, they wouldn’t believe it. When he confessed to me five years ago, he didn’t care if I never returned his feelings- all he wanted was for me to stay with him, even if I just stayed as a friend. For the first time in our friendship, Edric poured his heart out to me, and I still turned my back on him and cut off all contact. I knew he was serious. I should have just dealt with it then. How could I put it off for so long?
I was a fool. That’s why I left, why I dragged Lucie away from her home, why I ran away from Edric at such a key point in our relationship. I forced what I wanted on everyone around me, using my grief over our parents’ disappearance as an excuse to do whatever I wanted. Maybe I should give myself a pat of the back for even broaching the topic with Edric. I’ve been running away for so long that it’s become easy to avoid situations I don’t want to deal with. Edric. Lucie. Even Mori. I was only ever going to be in Timberwood for a couple days, but why didn’t I do more for her? Am I still trying that hard to keep my distance from everyone around me? Is that why Isoline lied to me about her relationship with Dryden? Honestly, if Isoline had told me she was Dryden’s girlfriend or even just a friend, I doubt I would have helped her. Maybe lying was Isoline’s only choice and she knew it. My mercenary reputation is admirable, but who knows what people say about the kind of person I am.
Edric stays quiet for a couple minutes, the murmured conversations of the biker gang being the only sounds around us. There haven’t been any shouts or hollers for a while now, so I’d assume it’s safe to say they’re getting ready to pass out at any moment. I’m glad I finally brought up the topic with Edric, but the timing’s off. If the rogues fall asleep soon, we wont’ have enough time to discuss everything we need to. Edric finally sighs and clenches his hands into fists for a moment before relaxing them. He turns toward me, biting his bottom lip, before saying, “I get it, Luxem. Your parents went missing. You wanted to find out the truth about their disappearance. And that’s your life’s mission now, especially with Lucie gone too- and that’s fine. I never wanted to hold you back, even when I asked you to stay...” Edric drifts off for a moment before continuing, “I know how stubborn you are. I never expected you to actually stay in Timberwood. I was just hoping that maybe, after telling you everything I felt, you’d let me come along with you. I wanted there to be a part of you that actually wanted me to come.” Edric kicks his feet in front of him and bites his lip, no longer feigning nonchalance. “That’s another thing that really got to me, Luxem. I never expected you to stay. I didn’t think for one second that I was going to convince you, but for some reason you thought I was trying to force your hand or something. And then, you actually stayed! And you didn’t even tell me. You let me believe that you were gone, and here you were just hanging around Timberwood as though it was just another day.” Edric closes his eyes and runs a hand through his hair, grabbing it in frustration.
I give an indignant grunt and pull his hand away from his hair, “I came back because Lucie was having a hard time adjusting. She wanted to see her friends and our old house. I wanted to leave. I didn’t want to run into anyone in Timberwood. I just-”
Edric cuts me off, laughing incredulously under his breath, “So while you were so irreplaceable to me, I was just like everyone else to you? I was someone you wanted to avoid?”
I quiet for a moment, thinking about how to respond to his questions. I’m sure he only asked rhetorically, but I still feel like I somehow need to explain myself in a way that he’ll understand. Even if Edric never forgives me, I want him to at least understand me. “We both lost our parents, Edric, and because we haven’t talked that deeply about it, I don’t know how you dealt with it. I don’t know if you pushed people away. I’m assuming, from what I heard from Mori, that you just threw yourself into your work, but even that, I’m not sure of. What I do know is that no matter how close we are- or were- we have always been two completely different people. Maybe I dealt with my grief in a poor way. No, actually I know that I did. But that’s how I dealt with it, and now it’s over. That’s the past, Edric, and I can’t change it. We were just children. It’s no wonder I was selfish and impulsive. I was young. And I wish I could go back and rewrite the story, but I can’t, and I’m sorry about that. So, now, I just want to know what we’re going to do from here on out. It’s been five years and we’ve both grown as people. You tell me what’s next.”
My eyes are pleading with Edric for forgiveness, but he hold my gaze with an unreadable expression. When he breaks eye contact, I look down to see his shoulders rapidly rising and falling with his breath. “I know, Lux. And I’m sorry too. I think that maybe one of the ways I dealt with my grief was turning the emptiness I felt into anger for you.” Edric glances at me with sorrowful eyes before continuing, “My dad disappeared, then my mom died, and both of those things happened not long after you left Timberwood for good. When I saw you that day in the fields, I felt betrayed and hurt, but I told myself that you must have been there for a good reason. I wasn’t angry at you. But after both my parents were gone, and I found myself wishing more than ever that you were beside me...that’s when my feelings turned to anger. I didn’t know who to turn to- or even how to live without you.” I swallow and take a deep breath to relieve some some of the pressure building behind my eyes. I had no idea what Edric was going through the entire time I was gone. If only I had just stayed in Timberwood. Everything would be di
fferent now. Edric sighs before adding, “I was just so, so angry, Luxem. In my head, I berated you for leaving. I started blaming you for everything that was going downhill in my life, and I know that’s not fair, but it’s still what I did. I’ve always been a little obsessed with you, but at that time…the feelings I had for you were something else.”
“So then where do we go from here, Edric? Do you still blame me?” I can’t look at him while I ask. What am I going to do if he’s still harboring anger for me? How do I fix that? Edric softly touches my shoulder, and I whip my head in his direction, surprised he can still be tender even after everything he just told me.
Edric slowly raises his gaze to meet mine and bites his lip once before speaking, “I think that seeing you again after all these years gave me the wake up call I needed. I don’t expect anything from you, Lux, and I don’t blame you for anything either. I just want to be beside you, helping you with your mission in whatever way I can. All I’ve ever wanted was just to be beside you.”
My breath catches in my throat, and I look down at Edric’s hand still resting on my shoulder. I’m not sure what to add to the conversation, and even though I’m relieved Edric isn’t angry at me anymore, my body’s becoming tense from this new silence. Everything I can think to say doesn’t sound right. I don’t want to give him false promises, and a polite thank you seems to casual for the intensity of the situation. Luckily, Edric breaks the silence while removing his hand. A rush of cool air hits my shoulder, and I look at him in alarm as he stands. “The bikers are passed out, Luxie.” He grins and carefully moves the tree branches around us so we can noiselessly leave our hiding place. “I thought you were supposed to be good? You weren’t a little bit distracted by my hand, were you?”
My face starts burning in embarrassment, and I stutter for a moment before standing beside Edric, “You’re a child. Let’s just grab a bike and get out of here.” Edric lets out a low chuckle as we cautiously make our way toward the sleeping rogues. I’m glad everything is back to normal between us, and Edric still feels comfortable enough to crack jokes and pick on me. I’m still not quite sure how to handle his serious side yet, but I still want to ask about his mom and where he went after I left town.
We creep down the hillside toward the bikers, who are haphazardly passed out around the sleeping bags. The crackle of the still burning fire does nothing to drown their loud snores and I hear Edric beside me trying to suppress a laugh. I can see how he thinks the scene in front of us is hilarious; it’s all his doing. He moves closer to me and I shiver as Edric’s breath hits my ear, “They made this way too easy for us. Their bikes are just there for the taking.”
I nod my head and keep my voice low as I respond, “Are we just going to take one bike? Two might be better, especially if we find Dryden and he ends up needing a ride to wherever our next destination is.”
Edric shakes his head, “If you want to search these guys for their keys, feel free to, but remember, you take the risk of waking them. They’re passed out, not dead.” I glare at him and sigh under my breath. In reality, I’m more annoyed at myself for not thinking about the key in the first place. It seems like Edric has a lot more experience with using trickery on his missions than I do. Then again, he also interacts with a lot more people than I do. As much as I wish I felt more in control of the situation, I have to admit that Edric knows what he’s doing.
“Okay, so then I’m going to assume we’ll just hotwire a bike to get going? If we do that though, we won’t have a key. If we get into a tight spot with the bike and have to make a quick break for it, we’ll be out of luck. Wiring would take too much time.”
Edric shrugs his shoulders and walks to the bike farthest from the sleeping men. “I know, but our next stop is going to be Dryden’s shop in the Void right? I doubt the kid would have settled in a dangerous place. I don’t think we’ll need to make a quick escape there.”
I follow him and murmur, “Let’s hope there will be enough gas.”
Edric turns toward to me and sighs, “Okay, Luxie, come on. We don’t have a perfect plan here. It’s spontaneous, and yeah, some of it rests on us just getting lucky, but it’s the best we have right now. So, please, just let me work here.”
I raise my eyes at Edric’s irritation but stay quiet as he works on the bike. I’m not used to feeling like dead weight. Maybe I need to reconsider my skills as a mercenary. Working with Edric has been an eye opening experience for me, and it’s starting to make me wonder if perhaps I’m not quite the mercenary I thought I was. Loka said I’m one of the best, but how does she know? I haven’t been around other mercenaries (including the other Remnant ones) in years, and after Lucie disappeared and I felt like the Remnants weren’t giving me enough quality information, I barely accepted any missions. I’ve always felt like the only person I need is myself, but it seems like without Edric, the information from the Dagger Corps, or Ulric, I would be nowhere. I haven’t even met Dryden yet, but the information he told Loka has helped me more than I’ve been able to help myself. I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed in myself, the tactics I use as a mercenary, my lack of knowledge and self- efficiency… I’m letting myself down. There was a point in time when I felt capable enough to take on the Scarlet Reapers by myself. Where did that confidence come from? I’m closer than ever to finding the reapers but I’ve reached a point where I hardly have any faith left in myself.
The roar of the bike’s engine jerks me out of my thoughts. Edric yells for me to hop on, but I first look at the rogues attempting to raise themselves off the ground. They’re scrambling to find out what’s going on and who’s started a bike, but all of their faces are confused and half are covering their ears, trying to block out the loud noise. It seems like they’re still a bit hungover from whatever Edric mixed into their drinks, and I smile at how easy it is to steal one of their bikes. The rogues are still far to out of it to even think about starting up the other bikes to follow Edric and I. I jump on the back of the motorcycle and wrap my arms around Edric, giving one last look to the rogues. They’ve finally notice us and are angrily trying to get to their bikes. They have every intention of following us, but some can’t even walk in a straight line, while others are still looking to see where they put their keys. I give them all one last smirk before Edric guns the gas and we speed away from the wrecked car toward the Twilight Void.
#
As Edric and I drive toward the Void, I watch the mountains go by while resting my head on his back. The fur of his bomber jacket is soft on my cheek and he smells like the smoke from the car fire. I tear my eyes away from the mountains to look at the old speed limit signs from when humans actually need them. Now, so few people drive vehicles and the land is so lawless, it’s laughable to think of anyone obeying some numbers on a sign. The world before technology and Artifs… I was born into a world with Artifs. I’ve never known anything different. Still, that’s never kept me from imagining what things would have been like on a planet with only humans. There would have never been a war. I wouldn’t live in a dystopian wasteland. That much is for sure. I do wonder though, if anything would actually be any safer for us. As children, Lucie and I were taught to stay cautious around Artifs, while simultaneously being warned about the evil in humans. And in all my time on the road, going from mission to mission, the only bad run in I’ve ever had with Artifs was in the neighborhood I went to with Isoline, and who even knows the whole story there. Isoline isn’t who she said she was, and the Artifs in that manor were unlike any I’ve ever seen before.
To me, from my experience, it feels like humans are the more dangerous of the two. Not only do we kidnap our own, but rogue mercenaries patrol the highway waiting to take advantage of unsuspecting prey. Ulric was so quick to kidnap his fellow men, women, and children if it meant something a little extra for himself. If there is an ideal world that exists, it’s one where humans are actually united, where we actually work together as a powerful force against Artifs. Instead, we spend our time trying to
kidnap one another and gain the upper hand on our fellow man. And the enemy is easy to see. We actually have our goal right in front of us, plain as day, and we still can’t pull ourselves together. In a way I suppose I’m lucky to live in a world with Artifs. If they didn’t exist, the fighting among ourselves would be even more brutal.
But despite all my musings, I do live in a world with Artifs, and no amount of daydreaming will ever change that reality. It would do me better to think more about the Artifs- the actual enemy (or so they’re supposed to be). Not much is known about them except that they have startlingly human-like psychology, but mercenaries who have encountered them on missions will share what they learn so that others can protect themselves better. The Remnants liked to their knowledge a step further and collect old pre war Artif literature and war time propaganda. With the propaganda, it’s hard to separate fact from fiction. A lot of information was sent out into different neighborhoods meant to heighten fear and hatred toward Artifs, but most of what was published wasn’t factual.
Knowing the few things I do about the Artifs, I’m not entirely sure Ulric was right about them capturing their own kind. From what I understand about them, all they’ve ever wanted is equality and rights- or at least they did when there was a society to be a part of. When they weren’t given those basic freedoms, fights broke out, and then humans escalated things to the point of war. Now though, with the world in shambles, I’m not sure it would take that much to convince Artifs to participate in Project Artian. As close as their psychology is to ours, they’ve always been more logical, more robotic. If the project can really combine humans and Artifs in some way and give the world its best chance at a utopia, then I’m sure they’d make the sacrifice for it. They probably just turn themselves in to the Reapers and offer their own bodies for experimentation. Utopia will always be the more logical answer, and as bitter as I am about the entire project, even I can step outside of my emotions and see that. If the Reapers didn’t resort to kidnapping and Project Artian was a choose people could sacrifice themselves for, I would, without a doubt, have given myself up to the project. My parents and Lucie would be safe, and I’d be willing to do whatever I had to in order to keep things that way.