“Where is it!” The next morning the soldier came down the stairs two at a time and slammed his fist on the counter.
“Where's what sir?” the landlord asked calmly
“My bag. I had it last night and now it's gone!”
“I haven't seen it sir. Here's your bill”
“My bill? I can't pay any bills! Seven years worth of wages has been stolen while I was under your roof!”
“That's a strong accusation to make Mr whatever your name is. I've been in this town for years and don't think I haven't seen this happen before. You don't have enough money to pay your bill because you never had any money to pay anything! Since I'm a kindhearted man I allowed you to stay here and this is how you repay me? You drive away my customers, take over up my best rooms and then have the audacity to claim all your money has been stolen. Begone from my establishment or I'll call the guard and have you thrown out of this entire town”
“You haven't heard the last of this” the soldier slammed the door behind him
“I bet I have” the landlord smiled as he opened the bag of gold hidden behind the bar "and look, I win"
“Sit down, sit down my friend” the Devil greeted his former employee warmly “I thought you'd return to say goodbye only you left so quickly I didn't have time to give you this”
“Two tickets to a beauty spa?”
“You really thought I was going to let you leave Hell looking like that? Follow me”
Much of the visit went by in a blur as, for the first time in seven years and a day the soldier was scrubbed, shorn, waxed, polished, manicured and tailored.
While this was going on he explained his problem to his friend who didn't appear concerned at all.
“Look its no trouble at all. I know the man you're talking about and just between you, me and the wallpaper I can tell you that he's already been earmarked for some of the nastier circles, which isn't as much of a metaphor as you might think and if you return to him and politely explain that I'm prepared to personally come upstairs I think you'll find his attitude quickly changes. In the interest of fairness you might want to let him know that I am incredibly busy and if I have to make time for him then I will be somewhat put out. Got it?”
“Got it sir, I'll lay it on nice and thick. Sorry for doubting you”
Now transformed by the infernal stylists4 into the epitome of tall, dark and handsome the soldier, returned to the inn where he'd spent the unfortunate night.
“Evening landlord. Remember me?”
“Can't say as I do sir. Can I get you anything?” The landlord sported several signs of newly acquired wealth which served to cause the soldier to consider at least one deadly sin.
“Yeah. You can get me the sack of gold you stole the other day”
“I, I, don't know what you're talking about”
“Seriously? You’re going to stand there in your fancy suit and claim you never had the devils own brother staying at this inn? That you've never helped yourself to his bag of wages? I bet you've pulled this stunt before in order to cheat honest people out of their money but I'll also bet you never thought I’d return to let you know something incredibly important”
“Wha-whats that?”
“What you should know is that my brother has got his eye on you and if my gold isn't returned right this minute then he's fully prepared to take you downstairs”
“Not that! Anything but that” the innkeeper lifted the sack onto the bar “just a simple misunderstanding is all. We don't need to take it any further”
“I'll be the judge of that” the soldier he emptied the contents of the cash register into the sack on the grounds of being owed compensation “or rather HE will because if he's got to come knocking on your door you can bet he's not going to be happy about it”
The story of what had happened spread from one town to another largely because the soldier made certain everyone knew about the consequences of crossing him and it wasn't long before he was able to stroll about the countryside without any cares or troubles from the criminal element. In fact it was three kingdoms away from where he'd met his friend when he ran into another man on the road and, after he'd related his strange story, was invited to the royal palace in order to tell it again before the crowned heads.
“That's how I ended up here your majesties. I haven't gotten back to dads place yet although there's no rush” the soldier explained to the royal court who applauded politely and then stood in silence as the king rose to his feet.
“Your story shows cleverness and cunning sir, two traits I value and if you would be willing I would raise you to a position of both power and influence”
“You do me honour your highness but I've got enough in my pack to set me up for life and is it not said it's better to serve in hell than rule in heaven?”
“I'll have to take your word for it, if I can't offer you a position to your liking then might I tempt you with a wife? My eldest daughter is available”
4
Yet another success of the R&D department. Those guys are on fire, quite literally.
“Not to that common muck I'm not!” the eldest princess quickly spoke up from deep within her crowd of suitors “I'll kill myself, really I will”
“Then I'll marry him!” the younger princess, who was also available, quickly broke away from her own small group of courtiers who had all been hoping to be the ones to make her unavailable “these men bored me a long time ago while this soldier has lived a full life, which has made him into a well seasoned bad boy with just a hint of dashing”
“You've been reading those pulp parchments again haven't you” The king rolled his eyes and quickly gave his blessing before the soldier could make the mistake of saying no5.
The two were married a week later with the Devil standing as the best man and therefore permitted into the church on something of a technicality6.
When the king eventually died of natural causes it was the soldier and his wife who inherited the throne7 which caused much rejoicing across the land. At no point do we suggest this was because nobody across the land wanted to be remembered as the one person who didn't rejoice with sufficient enthusiasm when the Devils own brother is looking down at them from the most important chair in the kingdom.
5
And thereby risking both the wrath of a king and the fury of a woman scorned, both of which hell traditionally hath no fury like.
6
A move which ruffled more than a few celestial feathers and was only permitted after yet another round of careful negotiations in which the devil held all the cards and, more importantly, the lawyers.
7
Much to the chagrin of the eldest princess who was only reminded about the ancient laws of succession after it was far too late.
EXCOGITATION
•
Exactly how did they know to put those three men in those three kettles?
It might be something as simple as a minor demon recognizing the suffering of the three would be made worse when the soldier paid them a visit and methinks the Devil didn't choose the soldier purely by chance although far be it from me to speculate about the motivations of the Devil.
•
Why can't you wash in Hell?
Since the soldier and the devil were friends throughout his whole time in Hell I'm pretty certain this was the infernal equivalent of a practical joke. Perhaps it goes deeper though, perhaps it's something of an attempt to make the soldier look as ugly on the outside as he was on the inside in the hopes this would spur him into changing his ways.
•
Wait a minute. Dire straits, Prince, Motley Crue, Bats leaving the belfry, Prince, the highway from hell?
I make no apologies for this. The devil, after all, has all the best tunes
RATIOCINATION
Let us talk about the motivations of the Devil for a moment, although the story followed the soldier everything which followed his hiring did so with the express purpose of scaring a hitherto unmentio
ned landlord into living a better life. It rather begs the question of how bad, realistically speaking, do you have to be before the man in the striped pyjamas looks up and says “Damn me8. If I don't do something quick then this guy will be coming down here for sure”
Of course aside from this myriad of theological musings we must now dare to look for the moral to this story since this is one of the few times we can't just point to the Devil, say “Isn't he nasty boys and girls? Oh yes he is!” and then wallop him with a great big stick9.
This whole story is about a person who started off in a bad place, went to an objectively worse place and proceeded to improve his lot in life through hard work, which just goes to show
“If you're prepared to actually put in the hours and are not afraid of hard work
then you'll eventually be rewarded for your efforts and furthermore, if you do all
of this whilst working for the devil then you might have a difficult time explaining
your actions to Saint Peter. Of course if the Devil is able to recruit you in the space
of a single conversation you probably weren't destined for the harp and wings
brigade anyway”
8
“. um, you know, again”
9
We advise caution. Hitting devils with sticks should only be attempted by trained professionals who can also do the squeaky voices.
THE LITTLE MERMAID
In which we learn a strange fact. If love doesn't conquer all, then murder is an
acceptable option.
Reincarnation. It's far more than a clever way to get out of paying your debts and those who make a regular practice of it know that, in the long run, its only a short term solution since incarnations come and go but karmic interest is forever.
Depending on which angle you’re looking at it from this story is many different things. To some people the whole thing is about love and the trials people go through to hold onto it, to others it’s a training guide about how to obtain the perfect man and what to do when he favors someone else.
Finally, to the most desperate of readers this story is an example of how an entity without a soul is able to grow one and therefore gain entrance to heaven on something of a technicality.
ar beneath the dry land upon which humanity thrives is a vast ocean wherein forgotten horrors lie sleeping.1 It is in this realm aquatic and it is with a hitherto unrevealed fact that our story begins. While it may seem as though the watery depths of the realm aquatic is Fgoverned by chaos and an 'get them before they get you' philosophy in reality all of the oceans of the world are ruled over by a single king of the sea.
The Sea King, for want of a better name, lives in a palace formed from coral and seashells with his Queen, and their five daughters. It was a happy life since, as the Sea King was fond of noting
“Not only are we mermaids, we're royal mermaids. It doesn't get much better than that"
His wife and five daughters agreed even though technically speaking the king wasn't a mermaid.2 When kings and fathers make this sort of statement it's easier for everyone to just smile and nod.
Sirenetta was the youngest and loveliest of all the mermaids and when she sang the fish flocked from all over the sea to listen to her. Their shells gaped wide and even the jellyfish stopped to listen.
"Oh how I'd love to go up to the surface and see the sky and hear the humans and smell the flowers"
"You're still too young" the queen told her and then promptly died since she had no further part in the story.
I'll spare you the few rather pointless paragraphs detailing what the princess did for the rest of the year and sum it up by saying a year passed without anything happening which would [a] develop the plot of this story further or [b] run the risk of me mocking it3.
Then one day her father called and slipped a carved flower into her hair which we can assume is magical in some way.
"This flower is magical4 in some way” he informed her vaguely “don’t understand how it works myself but the royal mermage assures me that when you wear it you can breathe air and see the sky.
Remember it isn't our world and we can only watch their activities in wonder. we're children of the sea and have no souls as men do. Keep away from them they bring bad luck! "5
1
Until such time as they are called on to attack Tokyo that is.
2
After five daughters the queen didn't really qualify for maiden status either of course anyone crass enough to point this out would do well to remember there was always the possibility of mereunichs.
3
. any more than I already have done.
4
Told you so.
5
Am I the only one thinking this is a little racist?
Naturally these warnings were totally wasted on the young mermaid and if anything only made her swim to the surface faster because anything actually worth three different keep away messages must be worth seeing6.
"It's all so lovely" she exclaimed at the sight of the endless blue sky which looked nothing like the endless blue ocean in which she lived. The highlight of her trip was a ship sailing towards the rock she was sitting on "I'd love to speak to them" she looked down at her long flexible tail which was, until five seconds ago, her best feature "I can never be like them"7
When the ship dropped anchor it turned out the purpose of the entire voyage was to throw a huge spectacle of a party for the captain of the ship who was also their Prince who was generally considered to be quite a looker.
The night was illuminated by fireworks, enhanced by music, continued far into the night and was best described as a pretty swinging scene. In fact it was so amazingly wild that the incredibly rough conditions of the ocean went unnoticed until it was far too late which meant by the time anyone who might have done anything about the situation an icy wind was sweeping over the deck while the lightening which tore apart the sky put their fireworks to shame. The ship was quickly swamped and broken against the cruel rocks which rather dampened the whole atmosphere of the party.
Sirenetta swam about the wreckage disregarding any of the other sailors who were in the water because it was the prince who was the handsome one. She kept his head above water and clung to him for hours trying to fight the tiredness was quickly overtaking her. When the sun finally broke through the last of the storm clouds she was able to strike out in the direction of land where, aided by the now gentle waves, she brought the prince to rest.
Of course you'd think the Prince would take this as a sign he should wake up and gaze into the eyes of the mermaid princess as the two are besotted with each other because this is what happens in ninetynine percent of these stories. True love is so hard to avoid I'm amazed nobodies thought of developing a repellent spray8.
Anyway, long story short the mermaid gets the prince to the beach and when he wakes up it's in the arms of a beautiful woman who isn't the mermaid princess. She takes him up to the castle while the mermaid is left to reflect on her good deed and the fact she'd saved a sailors life.
Oh wait, she totally doesn't. For the next few days the entire ocean gets to watch her swim about with a lump in her throat and a pain in her heart because she was a mermaid and, leaving aside the small and relatively important fact he didn't know she existed, could never marry a human.
Sirenetta couldn't stand it anymore and went off to talk to the witch of the oceans.
"Morning dear. Looks like someones in love" the witch emerged from her cave which was guarded by a giant squid named Fluffy because everyone needs a pet.
"How, how did you?"
"Know? Please, I’m the witch of the oceans, give me a little credit. Why else would you be coming to me? Anyway I've got some magic which will give you legs and the ability to survive on land although I'll give you fair warning right now. It's not a fun experience in the slightest, even though you'll look human the earth knows what you really are and with every step you take it'll feel like a sword
is cutting into you, you'll be in terrible unending pain"
6
Which she should have done a year ago when she was 14 and it still could have been blamed on teenage rebellion.
7
“I'm just going to go home to the palace where I live with my loving family and my complete lack of worries about anything"
8
It wouldn't be permanent. Just something to ensure your employees refrain from singing about love and accountancy during the big tax audit as it is not conducive to a productive working environment.
“That doesn't matter” Sirenetta pouted regally “why are you even telling me any of this? You could have spent that time casting the spell and t doesn't matter, why are you telling me all this? Why aren't you casting the spell already?"
"I'm about to turn the princess of the mermaids into a human. When your dad finds out about it I don't want any there to be any misunderstandings that might, oh I don't know, end up with me impaled by a ship after I take control of his magical trident"
“We're not doing the Disney version you know, just make with the abracapocus”
"In a minute, in a minute. We've got to get the rest of this legal stuff out the way first" the witch leafed through a few more pages "right then party of the first part, that's you, having been advised of the physical risks agrees to trade your voice to the party of the second part which is me in exchange for human legs which will, as aforementioned, hurt a great deal. Furthermore if the man you love marries someone else you'll not be able to become a mermaid again and will just dissolve in the water like the foam on a wave"
"Whatever. I don't care!" Sirenetta scribbled at the bottom of the contract and initialed each page hurriedly before taking the little bottle of magical potion "I only want to be with my love"
At the little beach she pulled herself up onto shore and drank the potion with a heart filled with love.
Cynical Tales for Cynical Children Page 18