Thus, it was in this country far removed from mad mothers and evil witches. The King, Queen, their children and all those of narrative importance lived for many years in peace and happiness.
18 Which is different from a common rage because of his immediate proximity to generals and armies.
EXCOGITATION
•
What happened to the father of Princess Sensible?
You know, the first king who kicked this whole thing off by getting lost in a witches forest.
Despite the tremendous amount of buildup he doesn't seem to catch on to the fact his wife, the daughter of a witch and a witch in her own right, is the one responsible for this whole mess.
Were I given to speculating wildly on the scantiest of evidence I might suggest the following.
After he found his daughter missing he returned home to confront the witch-queen and, after a series of loud arguments they both agreed to attend the medieval equivalent of couples counseling
Certainly at some point he kicked down her door screaming “J'accuse!” or possibly
“J'accursed! '19 because I'm a slave to to drama.
•
What are the witch-queens motivations throughout all this?
I refuse to believe she's doing evil solely for the sake of doing evil because this is one step away from wearing a hooded cloak, twirling an impressive mustache and tying people to train tracks.
Logically speaking it's the old bloodline issue coming into play, while I'm a little fuzzy with the rules of succession it should go something like this. With the kings heirs "mysteriously disappeared" any children the witch-queen has would be declared the rightful heirs to the throne and after the king likewise "mysteriously disappears" they would take their places as the rightful kings.20
Since they would be too young to rule then the witch-queen would sit on the throne, as steward if not the actual queen.
Unless the throne passes down the male line in which case this whole thing really has been purely in the cause of evil and a colossal waste of time for everyone concerned.
•
Why didn't the Princes do anything?
Each night they are able to return to their human form for quarter of an hour which I'll accept as legitimate part of the limitations of the curse21.
Rather than flying about doing nothing this whole time why didn't they wait until it was time for them to shed their swan skins and then get word to their father revealing the actions of their stepmother. I'm certain it wouldn't be easy and also the witch-queen would have trusted minions on the lookout for them.
19 I apologize for my atrocious French grammar although not for my equally atrocious wordplay.
20 “Which would make her a getter of kings though thou be none” - Ha, a Shakespearean joke at last and they told me it couldn't be done!
21 Maybe it needed the fifteen minutes to recharge?
RATIOCINATION
It is nice to see a capable female protagonist who doesn't just sit and wait for Prince or indeed, King Charming to come along and rescue her. I'm not counting the appearance of her brothers at the end because, while they do appear in time to stop her being burnt at the stake, they don't actually do anything to help her physically during the story.
Having noted this I also note an interesting point I came across while researching this story. There are different versions in which the princes are able to rescue the royal children and keep them safe and in the versions where this happens the princes are turned into crows or ravens rather than swans. This is interesting because it means a very long time ago when this story was first being told someone noted Swans were good at swimming about and looking regal while the Corvus branch seemed to have all the problem solvers.
However I appear to be moving off topic. The Queen mother, it should be revealed, was clearly mad.
When you take into account the vast number of princes in these stories who return from their wanderings with princesses who are enchanting rather than enchanted then what we have here is a case of a woman who is rebelling against all accepted marriage traditions.
Only slightly less alarming is her habit of stealing children and accusing people of eating them. In my humble opinion this woman is clearly not playing chess with a full set of cheesecakes.
Aside from the strong female role model what does this tale have to teach us?
"Politeness to everyone, especially witches to whom you happen to be married to,
goes a long way and costs nothing”
If the first king had taken the time to sit down with his wife to explain about his children then maybe none of this would have actually happened. I'm not saying there wouldn't have been plotting because, lets face it, thrones equal plots however if he had pointed out his current good standing with the local chapters of the guild of assassins, his complete lack of a sense of humor regarding the children, magic and the application of the latter to the former then the family might have been able to live together in relative harmony.
It is only when we consider the sheer amount of events taking place in the collected forestry of these kingdoms that we realize the biggest lesson we must take away from this narrative.
“If you ever actually manage to become an actual king then the first thing you
should do is chop down all the forests. Nothing good will ever come of allowing
royalty and forests to mix.22
22 Take a lesson from Macbeth and Prince John.
THE SWINEHERD
In which the character of royalty is shown. Twice.
Intelligence. That thing which, If you don't have it then you certainly need it. Ironically enough a common problem is when the people who have it encounter the people who don't have it, don't know they don't have it and are suspicious about those who do.
The other form of intelligence occurs when one is required to gather information about a particular subject and demonstrates exactly how closely both forms of intelligence work together since the kind of people who gather the latter require a large amount of the former.1.
This is a story which has, by and large, been skipped over by the great storytellers owing to the fact it doesn't appear to follow the formula of Prince encountering Princess through highly suspicious circumstances and, after dispatching a token villain, ride off into the sunset of their own personal happily ever after.
In this tale both prince and princess display a lack of the first type of intelligence although only one of them attempts to gather the second kind with consequences for everyone in attendance.
here was once a relatively unimportant country which was also small and poor. It was so small that those kings who were in the mood to invade somewhere invariably overlooked it and the few who did notice its existence also noticed it was of no use militarily speaking Tand would be nothing but a drain on their royal coffers. It was in this way that the country remained free from war and under the leadership of the good Prince Andrew.
What can be said about Good Prince Andrew that we don't already know? How about the fact he would wake up each morning, survey his kingdom from the royal balcony and repeat his royal mantra2
“We are famous. If we cared to do so we could send proposals to a selection of royal beauties and noble maidens across the face of the world and they would be fighting each other to accept us”
If the actual truth were to be actually told at this actual point then it would be not untoward to reveal that Prince Andrew never sent out proposals to anybody because his heart had already been given to the princess who lived over the border in the next country and was called Princess Dustina Conquista la Mystereoso de Grande Soylatte3 or Princess Dust for short4
With the death of his father, the king5 a rose which was as miraculous and beautiful grew out of the top of the marble grave. The royal botanist was called for and she confirmed that this particular rose was so rare it didn't have an actual name and there was a large debate in the botanical community over whether or not it even really e
xisted.
“It exists all right” Good Prince Andrew mused
“It's said that this rose produces flowers only once in it's lifetime and as you can smell for yourself sire one breath of it' fragrance is enough to make people forget their problems”6
“Once in a lifetime you say? I believe this appearance of this rose is a sign”
“A sign of what my prince?”
1
Fast cars with machine guns and ejector seats are supplied on an as needed basis.
2
Sometimes he'd put the royal robes on first but occasionally the royal jewels were on full display.
3
I've lost my notes, there's at least three other names in there.
4
Provided both Princess and Dust were spoken with the proper tones of respect that is.
5
I pause to point out he died of natural causes rather than nefarious plots although it should be noted dying of nefarious plots counts as natural causes when you're a king.
6
I had a similar plant until the police knocked on my door and took it away.
“It's a sign of extreme significance” Prince Andrew declared as he looked at the flower and the small cage which held his other prize possession, a songbird who could sing any song anybody could name
“before our father died we were hesitant to perform our royal duties but only now do we see we have no choice. For the good of our country we must marry!”
For the good of the country the rose was carefully transferred into a container and placed next to the songbird in a pair of elegantly carved silver caskets accompanied by a finely crafted letter which had taken three nights and four poet laureates to construct as a physical sign of his intent to marry Princess Dust who, as you may well remember, lived over the border in the next country.
A few days later, in the court of King Soylatte the highly regarded Princess Dust clapped her hands as the gifts were brought in and the romantic verse was declaimed.
“What exquisite boxes, I do hope this one has a pussycat as a present”
In front of the court the first box was opened and the paradox of Schrodinger's cat was finally solved when it was discovered the proverbial cat in the proverbial box may be either alive, dead or a kind of flower. The scent of this somewhat paradoxical flower quickly spread throughout the room and brought sunshine to the faces of everyone present. Everyone, that is, except for the royal personage at whom the gift was aimed.
“Who does this royal nobody think he is to offer me something as common as a simple flower? Do I look like some peasant to be bought off with a string of daisies? I mean if this had been spun from gold and studded with jewels then it would be passable. Barely” she added petulantly7
Everyone at the court took pains to agree with her. Who did this upstart think he was? The next gift would need to be of much higher quality in order to make up for this insult.
The unquestionably beautiful yet questionably mannered princess opened the second box to reveal the songbird who quickly burst into a song so sweet it brought tears to even the sternest of guards and everyone who heard it found themselves remembering first loves with nostalgic fondness.
“Surely” the court murmured “surely she can't find fault in this gift”
“It seems a shame” her harsh voice clashed with the sweetness of the songbirds birdsong “all this time was spent teaching this bird to sing the right songs when a mechanical one could easily have been made in a fraction of the time and for a fraction of the cost”
Somewhat regretfully the members of the royal court agreed with their Princess and a diplomatically worded letter was composed in which Prince Andrew was thanked for his gifts yet denied permission to court Princess Dustina Conquista la Mystereoso de Grande Soylatte or even visit the royal court in order to gain an audience so she could explain her actions.8
Despite the flat rejection of his attempt to influence the course of nations Prince Andrew was not so easily dissuaded. “The path of true love never runs smooth” he announced to his nation the next morning “we swear that Princess Dustina tum-te-tum Soylatte will be ours!”
Being denied from entry into the lands of Soylatte meant he needed a plan and while the border guards were on high alert for the presence of unwanted royalty nobody bothered to pay any attention the newest servant who had been sent to mind the pigs after the old swineherd had met with an untimely accident involving a ladder, an angry husband and someone we might charitably call a maiden9.
The occupation of Swineherd wasn't one which would ever be included on any sort of royal resume despite the fine pedigree and lengthy lineage of the swine themselves. While the royal pigs got on with their royal piggy duties the disguised Prince Andrew crafted a kitchen pot which was outfitted with several small bells that would ring when the water had boiled. Because no craftsman is ever satisfied 7
Or possibly petelalantuly although I generally refuse to sink to such base wordplay.
8
Ever broken up with someone with a text? This is what they did before technology was a thing.
9
Back in the castle the royal assassin washed his hands and reflected on what was possibly the strangest mission he had yet undertaken.
with what they produce he added a small piece of magic which enabled one to hold their hand over the steam and smell each of the dishes in the kingdom which were being cooked at that moment.10.
As it happened the princess and her ever present flock of attendants were passing through the royal courtyard just as the bells of the pot began to play their music and once she'd heard about it's magical properties she was filled with a desire to lay claim to it.
This presented everyone present with a small problem of etiquette because while a cat could smile at a king no princess could risk being seen to be associating with a swineherd, even under the guise of ministering to the poor, without attracting a mountain of scandal and gossip.
Therefore, with orders to be extra discreet, the chief maid was sent to inquire about the price of the trinket and possibly to hint rather strongly that gifting it to a certain royal personage would be in the best interests of everyone.
“Have you even looked at the current pork prices in this kingdom? Money is the last thing we, er, I need” Swineherd Ahsmith, who was in reality Good Prince Andrew in disguise11 shrugged off the perfectly reasonable offer “go back and tell the princess she can have this old pot if she kisses me ten times”
“I never said it was the princess!” The maid protested “not that it is! In fact it’s not at all”
“Then kindly inform the not at all the Princess that my price remains the same”
Through the medium of her chief maid the Princess protested and made several counteroffers of more money and kisses from several of her collection of maids.
Ahsmith rejected each offer until the princess, unable to loose face by losing to a lowly swineherd, finally agreed that the party of the first part would exchange ten quick kisses with the party of the second part upon receiving the pot. Furthermore there was to be an ironclad guarantee that none of this would ever be talked about in any way, shape or form upon pain of instantaneous death. 12
Shortly after that incident which shall not be mentioned the entirety of the royal porcine population contracted a particularly bad case of swinerot brought about by the fact the royal pig pens were not of an acceptable standard. For a while it was a dicey situation and required Ahsmith put in long hours looking after his royal charges while their usual living quarters were rebuilt under his close supervision.
It remains unknown whether he put any magic into the new pig building yet what is known is he constructed a rattle which was enchanted in such a way as to be able to play many different tunes and the pigs seemed to appreciate the music although it was usually difficult to tel with pigs.
Once again the Princess and her flock of attendants were passing by the construction site when the disguised
prince just happened to be demonstrating his latest creation.
Once again the chief maid was dispatched to inquire about the price of the trinket with nary a thought for her own plummeting social reputation.13
“One hundred kisses” Ahsmith smiled widely in his generosity “from the princess and she has to give me time to clean up first. We're past the worst of the swinerot but we're coming into the mating season and preventing these lovers from pressing their respective suits can get a touch messy”
“A hundred kisses for a rattle is ridiculous! It was only ten kisses last time and even that was more than you deserved”
“I'm sure I wouldn't know anything about it since I'm under a royal command not to talk about previous arrangements which means I can't take previous prices into consideration. If there were actually any actual previous arrangements of course, since I'm not actually saying there were
“I'll tell the princess but you'd better watch yourself Ahsmith. There's actually such a thing as being too clever you know”
10 This proved to be invaluable when one decides to invite oneself to dinner.
11 Just in case you'd forgotten.
12 Egad! The worst kind!
13 When you're a chief maid these are the kind of sacrifices you'll be called on to make.
Upon hearing the ludicrous price the princess threw any sort of propriety out of the window and attempted to negotiate with Ahsmith directly in an attempt to use the royal presence as something of an intimidation factor.
This was easily thwarted by the fact Ahsmith had already spent much of the day facing down determined swine and was, in reality, the Good Prince Andrew in disguise. This pair of factors, both of which were unknown to the princess meant the royal intimidation tactic worked exactly as well as you might expect.
Rather than loose even more face by coming away from the situation the princess and the swineherd began exchanging kisses while the maids, in an attempt to save the royal dignity, blocked the scene from the view of the general public.
Cynical Tales for Cynical Children Page 24