“Do we at least get a discount for the mice? I've counted seven so far”
“What's clear to me is that you two have spent the entire day bringing the medical brotherhood into disrepute” without warning the corporal broke off from his rebuke of the others to lunge wildly for the open cashbox.
“Who the hell do you people think you are?” the innkeeper had to be restrained from demonstrating his displeasure physically
“We're the foremost surgeons in the land mate”
“Oh yeah? Show me what you can do and we'll forget about the fact that you just tried to rob me”
“Something’s wrong though” the captain continued to ignore the innkeeper, although this time it was on purpose “now that I think about it something has been wrong since we left the inn this morning.
It's too late to worry about it tonight though so I say we sleep on it and deal with everything in the morning”
“Sorry where were you three going to stay tonight? Because I'm telling you lot right now. You're not staying in my inn after what your friend did”
The three surgeons, with the arrogance sadly typical of those in the medical profession, overruled the innkeeper and took the best rooms in the place7.
“Morning sirs” the landlord had calmed down since the previous day “it's good to see you back”
“Maybe, maybe not” the captain seemed doomed to a life of wringing mud out of his clothing “we've got a problem and it all started right here”
“What kind of problem?”
“The kind of problem where we didn't get our things back”
“I'm assuming that you're talking about your body parts? The ones that I can see the three of you using right at this moment?”
“Yes and no” the corporal grabbed at his wrist before it could make a move towards the unattended cashbox “yes we're talking about our body parts and no we're not using them right now because ours have been swapped with these as some sort of cruel joke”
“You didn't realize the parts had been replaced before you left? I thought you lot were the finest surgeons and all that”
“We were trying to leave quickly” the lieutenant remarked “because of all the crying and carrying on”
“Wait!” the landlords lip quivered at a fresh memory of the late Bacon Sandwich “it must have been Joy!”
“Then you'd better fetch her so that we can get an explanation”
“Back in a flash gentlemen. Watch the cashbox while I'm gone would you?” The corporal recoiled in horror at such temptation although fortunately didn't have time to purloin even the smallest groat 7
Seriously inconveniencing a visiting nobleman who took grave offense at being forced to sleep out in the stables. It just wasn't a good day to be an innkeeper.
before the landlord returned without Joy but with plenty of chagrin “you're not going to believe this good sirs but she’s gone, just like that. No notice, nothing but this note on her bed saying that I shouldn't worry about her because she's already taken her wages out of the safe. Oh no” the landlord sprang to his feet again and rushed upstairs while the surgeons looked at each other.
“I know we were going to threaten the fellow until he produced our things but” the inn slowly filled with the fresh cries of someone who, in the last fortyeight hours, had lost his meat supply, prize pig, servant and a safe full of money.
“I know what you mean. They must have been taken in the raid and Joy did her best to replace them”
“Wherever she is I wish her luck” the corporal finally gave in to temptation and emptied out the cashbox “gentlemen I agree that this is hardly compensation for the great wrong which has been done to us but at this point I think it's all we're going to get”
“It seems wrong to just take his money though. He's had a bad few days”
“Maybe he has. Although I do seem to recall a trio of talented surgeons who spent the night entertaining a very large audience and not once did he even attempt to pay us. I agree that this is adequate compensation and suggest that we make ourselves scarce”
“The army is still in the area. If we hurry they'll not have noticed that we've been gone” the three surgeons took their spoils and hurried away from what had to be the unluckiest landlord in the world.
EXCOGITATION
•
Exactly how competent were these surgeons?
Talk to any doctor and they'll tell you the heart and eyes of animals are markedly different from human8. Additionally the hand of someone who had been dead an entire day would look completely different from the surgeons actual hand. While the three were able to insert and attach everything in the right places I would hope any surgeon who was called on to work on me would be competent enough to be able to tell the difference between human and animal parts9.
•
Where did Joy go?
Given there are only two professions mentioned in this story we must assume Joy, on the advice of her lover, enlisted as a soldier where she discovered a natural talent and was quickly promoted to Supreme Major Generalissimo due to her groundbreaking strategy of inviting enemy armies to dine and then feeding everyone so much nobody was in the mood to invade anyone10.
•
Who suffered the most?
Aside from the fact the three surgeons will be pulled up on charges of being AWOL upon their return to the army they are going to have to live with these replacement limbs and their little quirks for the rest of their lives, or at least until they are able to encounter some unwitting donors.
Ultimately it isn’t any of the titular characters who tops the list in suffering but rather the innkeeper who has lost almost everything in the space of a single night and while his pantry can be restocked it is the loss of Bacon Sandwich which grieved him the most. After all lovers come and lovers go but it takes a long time before you can fill a pig shaped hole in your heart.
8
Then they'll bill you for their time.
9
Unless I somehow end up with a prehensile tail. Methinks it's something which would be exceedingly useful.
10 Groundbreaking? More like breadbreaking!
RATIOCINATION
“Remember where your things are”
Perhaps it isn't the most timeless of morals presented in this book none of this would have happened if the surgeons had put identifying marks on their organs so when Joy presented the substitutes they would have discovered what had happened much sooner.
This isn't the only moral to be found in the story however and the other one is considerably more significant.
“Be prepared to defend what’s yours and remember armed invasion is only one
form of attack”
While removing organs, as any serial killer will be happy to demonstrate, is easy putting them back is slightly less so and rather than celebrating the abilities of the surgeons I submit the following.
The ease with which they were able to remove their body parts wasn’t normal and their actions speak less of traveling surgeons and more of a newly established flock of vampires attempting to carve out some territory for themselves under the guise of a profession wherein dinner would be brought to them on a more or less daily basis.
As long as the three don't reveal themselves by making the kind of mistakes so common to vampirekind, such as limiting their clients to the young women of the area or continuing to hunt when they no longer need to there is no reason this ruse should be discovered.
However, with the arrogance typified of both surgeons and vampires towards the feelings of others it would appear the territory they are attempting to claim already has an owner and the loss of their body parts is what passes for a polite warning throughout the supernatural community which is why the three decide to move on before their hubris gets them into trouble.
If we're being honest though, as proud and ancient a bloodline as it might be, werepussycats don't seem as though they would be a particularly dangerous enemy.
LITTLE
RED RIDING HOOD
In which a young girls inability to differentiate between grandmother and wolf
becomes detrimental to the health of all concerned.
Rules. They're those little guidelines laid down by the people in authority in order to make life easier for everyone else. Given the amount of distaste humanity has for authority, heavy handed or otherwise, is it really so surprising we take the opportunity to break rules whenever we can?
The question of whether one obeys the rules has, in this story, an interesting parallel since those rules which are laid down at the start are flagrantly broken. I'm not just talking about Red who can be forgiven her actions on account of her age, the fact she's the hero and if she doesn't break the rules this story becomes the tale of a girl who walked safely to grandmothers house, delivered some goodies and then returned home safely1.
The other rulebreaker I'm talking about is Reds mother who has decided to get rid of her child by abandoning her in the forest, an act which is in accordance with the rules on how to deal with unwanted children in these kind of stories. What isn't in accordance with the rules is the fact she has been planning this for a long time and by not teaching her daughter about the remarkable number of differences between wolves and humans she has ensured Reds demise2.
ituated in the middle of a heavy forest, where even the bravest of hunters made certain to tread lightly, was a small and incredibly normal looking cottage. In a striking contrast with small and perfectly normal looking cottages usually found in these kinds of stories this one Sdidn't belong to a witch. In truth the cottage belonged to a perfectly ordinary mother and her daughter who might once have had a name but was generally known on some variation of Little Red Riding Hood.
The family lived in this remote cottage due to a series of bad investments made by the late Mr Riding Hood, at least it was presumed that he was late since the last anyone had ever seen of him was when he'd taken the family horse and ridden off with a promise to be back by that night.3
On one particularly beautiful day in the springtime Mrs Riding Hood handed her daughter a basket containing a large assortment of delicious food “Word came in via the woodcutters last night. Your granny is in bed with something contagious and I want you to take her this basket of food. Remember to stay on the path and don't stop for anyone or anything. Thanks to he who shall not be named we don't live in the best of neighborhoods”4
“Don't worry mum” Red opened the gate without even thinking of asking what contagious meant “I'll run all the way without stopping”5
1
An act which is boring in the extreme. Whoever would want to read about someone who went there and back again?
2
On the off chance she does manage to make it to grandmothers house it is to be hoped she'll take the hint and stay there.
3
At the time of writing it is currently eight years later and Mrs Riding Hood was beginning to suspect he wasn't coming back.
4
It behooves me to mention a somewhat pertinent fact. If you don't stop for anything you run the risk of circumnavigating the globe. You also run the risk of dropping dead through exhaustion.
5
Is this a demonstration of childlike enthusiasm or is Red taking the opportunity to get in some training for a marathon we don't know about?
The sun was high and the birds flew and gamboled with the kind of carefree abandon which comes naturally to those of us lucky enough to have a pair of wings. Keeping a sharp lookout for any ne'er-do-wells Red made her way down the narrow forest path. It was a good job she was watching for anything untoward because otherwise she might have missed the large patch of wild strawberries which grew in the shadow of a large tree about a meter from the path.
“I know Mum told me not to leave the path” Red quickly talked herself into a decision “but who doesn't enjoy strawberries and they're only a few steps off the path anyway”
Even allowing for the huge amount of strawberries which were sampled in the name of quality control the ripe berries were quickly placed into the almost overflowing basket however and by the time Red looked up from her berry harvesting she realized exactly how far she had strayed from the forest path in search of the perfect strawberry.
“It's a good job Mum wasn't around to see that” with a skinned knee and an even fuller basket Red quickly resumed her journey “I'm not going to make that mistake again”
As she walked down the path which, at times, faded away to little more than a suggestion the trees grew older, denser and blocked out so much sunlight that when Red finally stepped out into a natural clearing she was momentarily blinded by the light.
Her faltering steps into the clearing disturbed a king size collection of butterflies who swarmed around the girl as her sight returned to a whirlwind of every shade and hue there could be and in her youthful excitement she chased after them forgetting about the basket, the path and even her granny in her attempts to catch even the smallest of specimens.
As any experienced hunter of butterflies will inform you the art of of butterfly wrangling is something of an advanced skill which requires a team of beaters, several trained butterfly hounds and a team of expert trackers.6 Eventually Red gave up on the idea of catching butterflies in favor of picking the meadows flowers on the logic that they, at least, were easier to catch.
“This day just keeps getting better and better! First strawberries and now flowers for Granny, I don't know why Mum said not to leave the path, if I hadn't I never would have found all this great stuff!”
Not far from the young girl and carefully hidden in the shadows of the trees a pair of wicked eyes had been watching with a growing anticipation and the twitching of an equally wicked tail caused a rustling which suddenly reminded Red of exactly how far away from the path she was.
“Oh” Red greeted a wolf of rather impressive size who was sunning himself with an apparent lack of concern next to her forgotten basket of goodies “hello”
“Afternoon” the owner of both the wicked eyes, tail and all points inbetween took pains to keep his gruff voice casual “where might you be going my pretty girl? All alone in these dark woods as you are”
“Grandmother lives at the end of the path. I'm taking her some food”
“Such familial consideration is impressive” the wolf rumbled “I imagine your grandmother lives by herself?”
“She does” Red confirmed “and never opens the door for strangers. Um, just like I'm not supposed to talk to strangers so, um, goodbye”
“You weren't supposed to leave the boundaries of the path either” the wolfs final words reached her ears “yet you've done both today. Well done you”
When she turned to answer the wolf was gone and she was, once again, alone on the path.
With his four strong legs the wolf quickly outdistanced Red because it would be a strange world indeed if the opposite were true.
“It's a good day to be me” he thought “the old lady won't be any trouble and then I only need to wait for the little girl. I might even have her basket of cakes as a kind of ironic dessert!” Sure enough, at 6
To say nothing of the required licenses and permits. If Red had actually managed to catch a butterfly she could have been in a large amount of legal trouble.
the end of the path was a small house that was just the right size for a well meaning grandmother and the wolf wasted no time in reaching out to ring the bell.
“Who's there?” Grandma called out from her bed.
“It's me” the wolfs gruff voice made a rude mockery7 of the little girl with whom he had recently conversed.
“Speak up there! Who's me?”
“Me is you”
“You can't be me. Because I'm in here”
“But I'm out here”
“How can I be out there and in here at the same time? One of me isn't making any sense”
“It's Red, your granddaughter” the wolf rolled his eyes and wondered if it advancing the caus
e of evil was really worth all this hassle “mum sent me with a basket of cakes and things because you've been sick”
“Why didn't you say so? Just lift the latch and come in child”
The poor old woman didn't have time to realize her mistake because all it took was one tremendous leap, an equally tremendous mouth and suddenly the forest was minus one tremendous grandmother.
“They don't call me big and bad for nothing” he looked out the window to where Red was finally ambling down the path after being distracted by several shiny things along the way “and the only thing better than eating people is making certain they feel really stupid in their last moments”8
“Granny” Red called out loudly "can I come in? Mum sent me with cakes 'cos you're sick"
“Course you can delicious child” the wolf was already in bed and quivering in anticipation
“Delicious?”
"Delightful. Just lift the latch and come inside. There's wolves about you know"
“I met one” Red put the basket down and began arranging the flowers she had picked “out there on the path. He was very big”
“I know about that one. He's the biggest in the forest from what I understand”
“You've got a very deep voice today”
“I've been sick” the wolf prompted “that's why you're here remember”
“It's just that you've got huge eyes as well”
“All the better to see you with. Your own eyes appear to be”
“and your hands!” Red exclaimed
“What about them?”
“They're so big and hairy”
“Thank you” the wolf managed to make yet another rude mockery of his hurt feelings “thank you very much, it's no wonder that I'm out here living all by myself rather than enjoying the comfort of my remaining family in my twilight years”
“You got a big mouth as well” Red mumbled defiantly
“Oh that is it!” the wolf growled and bounded from the bed to swallow Red in a single bite “what a distasteful urchin!” he grumbled as he washed the last of the red riding hood out of his teeth “I'm sure she stepped in something unmentionable on the way here. I've got a good mind to find her mother and complain” he lay his large furry head down on the comfortable pillow “and then eat her as well” he yawned loudly and closed his eyes “maybe I'll eat everyone in this forest” he mumbled before drifting off to sleep to dream happy bad wolf dreams.
Cynical Tales for Cynical Children Page 26