Bang bang bang, problem solved. Even if they are taken down to the animal shelter the troll can come along and either adopt them or claim they are his escaped goats. Either way for payment of a small fee he gets three healthy goats with which he can have his wicked way7
5
and he knows they know he knows they know times infinity
6
Of course he'll do the neck brace trick. Nobody can resist the neck brace trick 7
Let your children try and get this image out of their heads before they go to sleep tonight.
RATIOCINATION
After reading such an exciting tale of familial love and the importance of working together you may well be asking yourself exactly where the aspects of gang culture come into it. After all wasn't it just a story about goats who wanted something better in life?
Yes, yes it was and in this case ‘something better’ was owned by a rival gang, which for the purposes of identification we'll call the Trollz.
Despite the superior numbers of the goats, herein known as Las Caprine, they don't attempt to take over the Trollz turf because the leader of Las Caprine is old and wise enough to know exactly what the cost of such an attack would cost them.
Against the orders of his leaders the newest member of Las Caprine decides to confront the Trollz and quickly sells out his brother who is also in the gang and when the brother finds out about this he sells out the leader of Las Caprine because true loyalty is a foreign concept to them.
The leader, knowing here is now no way to escape from the life of the gang, finally confronts the Trollz and violence ensues which sees Las Caprine victorious and the Trollz dumped into the river, a clear metaphor for death.
Generally accompanying this harrowing story of gang warfare as its read to children is a rather generic lesson along the lines of
“The grass is always greener on the other side”
or
“Families should stick together”
By themselves they are perfectly fine although they are far removed from the actual lesson of this story which is
“If someone has something you want then its perfectly fine to take it even if it
means selling out your friends and family to get it”
THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
In which the consequences and benefits of an industrious nature are discussed.
Perspective. It's a position we must all take occasionally and when you're too close to events as they unfold it's a position which is impossible to achieve. Removed as we are from the principal characters in this story we are able to examine it objectively and we realize a simple truth.
The big bad wolf is the bad guy because this is the story of The Three Little Pigs. If, for example, it was a story about a hard working wolf who was only trying to find enough food to feed his family while defending his hard won territory from a trio of invading swine it's entirely possible we'd be on his side.
This isn't the story which gets told and why? It’s because there are not too many stories in the fairytale genre where the villain wins. In point of fact I'm prepared to go out on a limb and state with certainty that the exact number is less than one and more than negative one.
Good guys win, bad guys lose is the way it is right?
Right?
Wrong.
As per usual it doesn't take a lot of huffing and puffing at the straw house of plot to reveal a far more sinister lesson hidden behind the child friendly moral of this story which easily manages to undermine any of the traditional lessons and morals, no matter how well intended they might be.
here were once three little pigs who left their mummy and daddy in order to see the world.
Actually this isn't, strictly speaking, accurate.
What really happened was their parents, being concerned the trio of swine were growing Tfar too large while the family home was far too small informed their offspring it was time to leave and the young, yet sensible, pigs gathered round their parents and listened respectfully before setting off into the world to make their fortunes.
Again it isn't, strictly speaking, accurate.
What happened this time was once the subject of them moving out was brought up the little pigs kicked up one heck of a racket1.
“Come on mum” the eldest pig pointed out “if the house is too small let us build you an extension”
“Well maybe” the parents looked at each other doubtfully
“Yeah” the youngest pig chimed in with enthusiasm “Give us one day and we'll build you and dad a granny flat down at the end of the garden”
“No boys” their father put his hoof down with authority “I'm afraid it's time for you to make your own way in the world, meet some nice girls and give us some grandswine”
“Most of all it's time for you to move out” their mothers glare dared any of the pigs to disagree
“granny flat indeed!”
The young pigs waved goodbye to their parents and set out along the road in search of their fortunes2.
Once again, not strictly speaking accurate since all summer long the pigs romped about with a joyous abandon rarely seen in our cynical society.
1
Try denying either a young pig or child anything and you'll know how loudly they can demonstrate their displeasure.
2
One might say they were investing in pork futures. Ba-dum-Tsh!
Wherever the three went they received a warm welcome from their new friends although they did take note of the fact that, as the days grew shorter and the nights became colder, their new friends had less time to frolic about in the aforementioned state of joyous abandon since they were busy preparing their homes for a hard winter season.
“It's time” the eldest declared, after the last of their fairweather friends had flatly refused to allow the three little moochers to stay at their house throughout the winter “we thought about building houses”
his brothers agreed since it sounded like fun and continued to play in the middle of the road.
“Do you lot mind moving?” a farmer weighed down with a load of straw complained “I've got to get to the market before this straw spoils”
“Why bother going to the market?” the youngest pig asked “give your straw to me, I'll make it into a house. Everybody wins”
“Except me” the farmer pointed out rather sensibly yet faced with the prospect of dealing with a disappointed pig with a pair of angry brothers to call on he wisely decided to cut his losses, put the straw down and walked off down the road.
“Wait. You're really building a house with straw?” the eldest brother asked in disbelief “I thought you were joking”
“Yes” the youngest pig answered tersely “I am really building my house out of straw. It is warm, easy to use and won't take long”
“It's going to be flimsy”
“Which would be why I'm building it against this wall and if you're not going to help out I've got to figure out how to use this hammer without opposable thumbs”
The middle pig and his elder brother continued frolicking down the road until they frolicked into the path of a lumberjack who, despite being in possession of a large axe, was convinced to give up his load of wood rather than deal with the aforementioned angry pigs.
“All right brother I've figured out the hammer. Now give me a hand with the chainsaw and we'll get this place built in no time” the middle pig placed the foundations of his wooden house.
Two days later the house was completed although calling it a house, as the eldest pig noted more than once, was being overly generous.
“Go on and build your own house then!” the middle pig shouted as his brother pointed out all the nails poking through the floor and the holes in the walls where the wood wasn't flush.
“Maybe I will!” the eldest pig shouted back “it takes time and hard work to build a proper home strong enough to stand up to the elements and the wolves3”
“Whatever. Don't come looking for help from me!”
the middle pig slammed the door in his brothers face and winced as the window fell out of it's frame for the third time today.
Alone and angry the final pig stomped down the road until he came to a stonemason and after a brief conversation which included an amazingly intricate range of signals4 and strangely worded codes he came away with a large load of heavy bricks.
Days turned into weeks and the eldest pigs house progressed just as fast. The younger brothers, happy and content with their own homes occasionally turned up to make fun of their brother.
“Why don't you come and play with us?” they would laugh “oh wait. You can't 'because you've got to finish your house”
“It'd be finished sooner” the eldest pig grumbled “if you two would care to help me”
3
“Wolves? What wolves? Nobody told us anything about wolves. Why can't we go live next to the Riding Hoods? They don't have any wolf problems”
4
Many of which were accomplished without the aforementioned opposable thumb
“What and miss out on all this lovely playtime? No fear”
“A pigs home is his castle which is exactly what I'll have when I've finished. So you two just stay out of the way while I pour this concrete”
One night, as the pigs gamboled happily in the first snows of winter the biggest, baddest, wolf of them all5 looked on in drooling anticipation of both a pork dinner and a bacon breakfast. Luckily for them the wind changed at the last moment and the two brothers were able to escape into their respective homes.
“Come outside!” the wolf ordered on one side of the door “I want to speak to you!”
“I can hear you just fine” the youngest pig leaned against other side of the door to keep it closed although not so hard he pushed it open, a feature he'd been secretly proud of until five seconds ago.
“Oh yeah? Well listen to this” the wolf puffed out his chest and blew so hard all the straw blew away until the door was the only thing left standing.
While the wolf boggled at the amazingly shoddy craftsmanship of the house and the youngest pig used the opportunity to drop the door and run to his brothers house
“That's what you get for using substandard material’s brother” the middle pig scoffed “just you watch, my walls of wood will easily defeat any old wolf ”
At that moment the wolf, who had followed the youngest brother to the wooden house, pounded on the door
“Open up! Open up I say!”
“Why? So you can eat us?” The two brothers leaned hard against the door and watched the walls shaking
“Yes! I mean no! I really do just want to talk with the pair of you”
Since this approach showed exactly zero signs of working the wolf planted his feet and drew in such a large breath he doubled in size. When he let it out the wooden house collapsed around the ears of the two pigs and only the fact he had to spend precious minutes catching his breath allowed them to escape and tear off down the road to bang on their brothers door.
“Let us in! Let us in!” they cried “there's a great big wolf out here!”
“It's big bad actually” the wolf corrected as he advanced on them “big, bad. Hungry”
“And unwelcome!” the eldest brother had opened his door, let his brothers inside and made a point of slamming it in the wolfs face.
“Little pigs, little pigs, we all how this ends. Not once in the history of ever has a pig escaped from a wolf so I'll make you a deal”
“What kind of deal?” the pigs called out
“If you all come out right now I promise that I'll make your deaths quick and painless. You can even decide what order you want to go in
“Why didn't you say so?” the eldest pig taunted “that makes all the difference, it really does. Stand back and I'll let you in”
“Really?” the wolf asked hopefully
“No!”
“Damn. I had hoped you'd be reasonable about this” This time the wolf drew in so much breath he was almost as big as the house itself and when he blew the ensuing hurricane uprooted trees and sent them flying through the air. Throughout the ordeal the stone house remained irritatingly upright and intact.
5
Having, presumably, recovered from the Red Riding Hood debacle and once again fit to represent the forces of evil while, at the same time, being somewhat irked at the prospect of being typecast.
Inside the house the pigs fear began to fade as it became evident the house wasn't going anywhere and the two brothers took advantage of this rare opportunity to look out the window and make faces at the wolf with impunity.
“Infuriation!” the wolf cursed once he'd gotten his breath back and prowled about the house in search of a weakness.
To make a long story short there wasn’t one, the eldest pig had continued to improve his defenses to the point where the only thing which was missing was an anti aircraft cannon and the only reason it had been left out was that this was a residential area.
Finally, the wolf investigated the toolshed and emerged triumphantly brandishing the pigs heavy chainsaw.
“Who's laughing now little piggies? That's right it's me! Your door is about to meet its doom”
Fifteen minutes later he was still trying to get it started and all he'd managed to do was make it pour a noxious black smoke while refusing to start.
Inside the stone house the eldest pig turned to his brother “You told me you'd fixed it!”
“No I told you I was going to get around to it” the middle pig protested “ there's a difference and is this really the time to argue about this?”
Outside the wolf had thrown the broken chainsaw down in fury “Cheap piece of junk!” he cried and ducked into the toolshed again to get the long ladder “last chance guys. Open the door or else”
“Seriously?” the eldest pig called out “our choices are we open the door and let you murder us out there or we wait until you actually manage to get inside and then you murder us?”
“It's called survival of the fittest”
“No it's not! It's not anything like that. How about you give up, put my chainsaw back and we forget this happened?”
“Come out and make me” the wolf cried and began climbing the ladder to the roof
“Where's he going?” the youngest pig shook in fear
“I don't know” the middle one dashed from window to window “I can't see him!”
“Get the fire going!” the eldest pig ordered his brothers and together they dragged the largest pot over to the fireplace.
Out on the roof the wolf looked at the wide chimney which had suddenly began belching out smoke and laughed with menace “There's no such thing as impregnable and if they think I'm going to be put off by a some puffs of smoke then they don't know who they're dealing with” and he jumped down the hole with slavering jaws and an empty stomach.
The wolf might have been all right if it had just been fire. He could easily have survived a few flames, and while the pigs were reeling in the shock of his sudden entrance he would be able to attack, easily emerge the victor and even claim ownership of the house in order to twist the knife one more time.
Except it wasn't just fire he had to contend with though, not by a long shot. The wolf easily managed to overcome the smoke and inched his way down the chimney to appear like the worst kind of antisanta. In the few seconds where he was blinking the last of the smoke out of his eyes the youngest brother had, at long last, figured out the basic principles of using a hammer and was now in the process of discovering which parts of the lupine form were sensitive to being hit with said hammer6. As the wolf was reeling from the force of the young pigs displeasure all three of them charged and pushed him into the largest cooking pot in the house, slamming the lid down and locking it before hanging the whole thing over the fire7.
6
Here's a hint. It's all of them.
7
Wait what? Just remind me who the predator is supposed to be.
The next day t
he brothers set to work with a will and it didn't take long at all before three strong stone houses stood next to each other. In the gardens of each of them the pigs played once again with the joyful abandon and no matter how tasty they looked no wolf ever attempted to eat them or if it did then it was certainly never heard from again.
EXCOGITATION
•
Why didn't the eldest pig warn his brothers about the wolf earlier?
Despite what the wolf claims it is this part which is survival of the fittest. The eldest pig has information about a wolf being around and allows his brother to build their, for want of a better word, houses on the assumption the worst they'll need to deal with a spot of bad weather.
Once he lets them know about the wolf it is far too late for them to make their homes wolfproof which means all this time he was banking on the wolf finishing off his brothers, looking up at the brick fortress and saying
“You know what? You've really got to be a special kind of hungry to finish off two pigs and then look around for another. I'm going home”
Even as we condemn him for such callousness we must also praise him for being ruthless enough to go through with it8.
•
The wolf appears and expects everyone to blindly march into his mouth. Shouldn't he be stalking the pigs?
Alas in many of the film and illustrated versions of this story we see the wolf doing just that and by donning a wide variety of costumes and disguises he attempts to gain entry to the pigs homes.
It must sadly be pointed out that at no point in the history of ever have any pigs been fooled by any of this and when you take into consideration the mess he made back in Red Riding Hood it would appear that his thespianic skills are sadly lacking.
•
Can we assume that the pigs got the proper planning permissions and building rights for the land where they decided to build?
This is a detail which just gets glossed over in many versions of this story and it’s one which shouldn’t be because so often it's the little things that often trip people, or pigs in this case, up.
Although the question of proper forms and paperwork doesn't come up in this version either I imagine that the wolf would have been overjoyed if he'd discovered that all he needed to do was get in touch with the local council and then wait around while the three little pigs received three little eviction notices.
Cynical Tales for Cynical Children Page 28