by Martha Carr
“Lisa!” Rex barked at her and took two more urgent steps forward. “Come on! We’re gonna miss it.”
“Don’t you run off on me too.” She pointed at the hounds. “And you don’t even have leashes. What the hell was he thinking?” She stared at the dogs, who returned it impatiently. It’s worth a shot to get them moving, right? She snapped her fingers and pointed at the sidewalk in front of her. “Rex. Luther. Come.”
Luther sniggered. “Look at that, Rex. Ha-ha. She’s trying so hard.”
“Lady, do you wanna find Johnny or not? ’Cause it sounds like he’s bashing someone’s face against a brick wall right now.” Rex barked again and took two more steps forward.
“Oh, my God. Fine. Come here.” Lisa moved toward them, and the hounds bounded away down the sidewalk before they turned to look at her again. “If anything happens to either of you, I’m very sure I’m dead. So please…be good dogs and stick with me until I find Johnny.”
“That’s what we’re saying.” Rex barked twice. “Johnny.”
Luther’s tongue flopped out of his mouth and he looked up the sidewalk with a low whine. “He’s this way.”
Lisa frowned at them. “Do you know where he is?”
“Oh, my God. Finally.” Rex barked twice again and Luther trotted up the sidewalk to join his brother.
“No. No, this is crazy.” Lisa spun and tried to smile at a young couple who strolled past her with their arms around each other.
“Hey, those your dogs?” the guy asked.
“Kind of…”
“You have to keep them on a leash in public,” the woman said with a concerned frown.
“I’m working on it,” she muttered through clenched teeth and settled her attention on the hounds again, who remained exactly where they were and waited for her. I’m not talking to two coonhounds. Real life does not work like Lassie.
“Aw, come on. Luther, do something.”
“What? Why me? You’re the smart one.”
Rex snorted and stepped urgently down the sidewalk. “Let’s go, lady. You wanna hold this whole thing up because you don’t trust Johnny’s hounds to know what they’re talking about?”
Luther whined. “We should leave her here.”
“Johnny wouldn’t have told us to stay with her if that was the plan, bozo.”
“Oh.”
Lisa stepped toward them and cast wary glances around the much larger number of pedestrians and locals who now began to mill around downtown. The hounds yipped and darted away from her.
“Shit, this is gonna take all night.”
“Yeah, lady. Johnny might be dead by the time we find him. And I mean from natural causes.”
“Ha-ha. Good one.”
“You guys are making this very hard right now.” She gestured with her hands in frustration. “We need to find Johnny.”
Rex barked twice. “Duh. Listen to yourself. Jeez.”
She squinted at him. That’s the third time he’s done that. And I’m either crazy or these dogs can understand me. Screw it. “Do you know where he is?”
Luther barked twice. “That’s what we’re saying. Hey, I thought Light Elves were supposed to be smart.”
“Can you—” Lisa rolled her eyes. “Jesus, I can’t believe I’m saying this. Can you understand me?”
Two barks issued from Rex. “Yes! For the love of raw beef, lady. Come on!”
“Luther?”
“Wow, you’re dense!” He barked twice and pranced anxiously down the sidewalk. “Can we go now?”
I’m going insane. Lisa’s eyes widened and she tilted her head slowly. “Bark once if you can understand—”
Both hounds barked once, which made several pedestrians step away and watch them warily.
She jolted and took a step back. “Do it again.”
“You’re wasting our time, lady.”
“Yeah, how many times do you have to ask?”
She sighed. “Okay. Okay, I’m reading into things. Of course they can’t understand me.”
The hounds glanced at each other, then each barked once. She jumped and shook her head quickly. “No way.”
“All right, that’s it. Luther, if she doesn’t get it by now, she’s the worst partner Johnny’s ever had.”
“Isn’t she his only partner?”
“Does it matter? Come on.” Rex uttered a warbled bay and raced down the sidewalk. “Keep up, lady!”
“Yeah, you might wanna pick your jaw up off the sidewalk.” Luther darted after his brother and wove deftly around pedestrians.
“Holy shit.” Lisa stared after them until she realized they were getting away. Dogs. Dogs can understand me. What?
She raced after them and had to slide sideways to avoid knocking into a group of women with neon-dyed hair in different colors. “Hey, wait!”
“Look at that, Rex. She’s not as dumb as we thought.”
“Only took half a lifetime.” Rex darted left into an alley, followed quickly by his brother.
The agent skidded to a stop in front of the entrance and sighed heavily. I’m gonna have to turn my badge in if this doesn’t pan out.
She raced past two restaurant employees standing in the alley on a smoke break. Another man rummaged through a pile of black trash bags as she followed the hounds, and he looked slowly at her in suspicion when she hurried around him.
“Yeah, this is it,” Rex said and sniffed the air. “He’s close.”
“Only guy around that smells like whisky and gunpowder,” Luther added. “And dwarf.”
“Rex! Luther!” Lisa barreled down the alley after them and tried to maintain her momentum when they made a sharp right turn into another intersecting alley. “Get back here!”
Luther bayed and yipped once. “Johnny!”
“We found you, all right.” Rex growled and stepped forward. “Who’s your friend?”
The agent finally rounded the corner and stopped when she saw Johnny pinning someone with a mohawk against the dumpster. “Holy shit.”
“No, no, man. Come on.” The guy groaned and raised his hands. “You’re insane! All this shit about strikes.”
“And you’re one of the worst liars I ever questioned,” the dwarf retorted coldly.
“Johnny.” Lisa drew her service weapon from her shoulder holster and aimed it at the stranger’s head, just in case. “What’s going on?”
“This bastard don’t wanna give up the goods.”
“Now you’re trying to rob me?” the man shrieked.
“What?” Lisa shouted.
The bounty hunter pressed his knife insistently against the man’s ribcage. “You don’t know when to give up, do ya?”
Lisa stepped toward them as the hounds growled and closed in around the dumpster. He looks like he’s lost his mind. “Johnny, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what the hell this is about.”
“He has a red boar tattoo on his goddamn wrist,” the dwarf all but snarled. “And I aim to make this little piggy start squealin’. Last chance, asshole.”
“I have no idea what you’re—”
A fireball streaked down the side of the building from behind the dumpster. Lisa turned to watch it crash against the wall of the building behind her, and Luther snarled fiercely.
“We got incoming, Johnny,” the hound shouted.
“Three,” Rex added. “Nope. Four.”
“Is that you, Dennis?” A low, growling voice echoed in the wide alley, accompanied by heavy footsteps from multiple pairs of feet.
The captive sneered at Johnny and shouted, “How could you tell?”
“’Cause you’re always getting your dumbass whooped behind bars is how.” A massive Kilomea with glowing yellow eyes strode down the alley, followed by a human man and two wizards.
Lisa’s eyes widened when she saw the next fireball surrounded by red sparks in the Kilomea’s hand. He shouldn’t be able to do all that.
“Well, you know me.” Dennis struggled to free himself from his captor�
�s grasp but the dwarf held fast. “Popular as shit and all that.”
“Huh.” The Kilomea stopped and stared at Johnny and his glowing eyes narrowed into slits. “What does a dwarf want with this pain in my ass?”
Johnny shoved the man against the dumpster again but finally released him. Dennis grunted and tried unsuccessfully to rearrange his severely stretched shirt. “You know him better than I do. Might be you can answer both our questions.”
The Kilomea chuckled. “Does he owe you money or something?”
“Nope. Only a name.” He changed his grip on the knife and glanced at the wizards, who summoned attack spells while they waited for the word. “It might be yours.”
“And who’s the broad?” The huge magical who’d completely shed his human illusion nodded toward Lisa and his tongue protruded between his huge teeth.
“She’s with me. And yeah, that gun’s loaded.” Johnny spread his arms and held the knife out to one side. “Do y’all work together?”
The Kilomea glanced at Dennis with a sneer. “This little shit works for me.”
“See?” He pointed his blade at the man again. “Now how fuckin’ hard was that?”
“What do you want?” the wizard in cut-off jeans asked.
“I’m workin’ my way up the ladder.” He nodded at the Kilomea. “It looks like you’re the big dog in this alley.”
“Hey.” Rex snorted. “Low blow, Johnny.”
The hairy magical beast glanced at the hounds, then at Lisa again. “It depends on what you’re looking for.”
The dwarf lowered his empty hand slowly to his belt and the black explosive disks hanging from it. “Lemonhead. Does that ring any bells?”
The Kilomea’s eyes widened for only a split-second before he attacked with a snarl.
Johnny ducked the massive swinging fist, activated an exploding disk as he drew it from his belt, and lobbed the device down the alley toward the wizards and their human tagalong.
“What the—” It exploded and the wizards were hurled into the brick wall while chunks of building material broke off and rained around them.
The huge magical summoned a fireball in one hand and his eyes glowed even more fiercely as he launched it at his much smaller adversary. Johnny dropped to his knees beneath the flaming spell and uttered a piercing whistle.
“Hell yes!” Rex snarled and leapt at the wizards who still tried to recover against the wall.
Luther pounced on Dennis and knocked the man down to pin him beneath both front paws. “This one’s not going anywhere, Johnny.”
The Kilomea spun to face him again, this time with red sparks flaring in both his hands. They grew and gave way to dark-red energy that filled the alley with an eerie glow. “You’re asking all the wrong questions, dwarf, and should have stopped while you were ahead—”
Lisa’s fireball caught him squarely in the back and he staggered forward with a roar. “You too, asshole.”
“Bitch!” The hulking creature turned and stalked toward her and the red energy flared in his hands again.
The bounty hunter lunged after him, but the other human with the wizards barreled into him from behind and tried to wrap his arms around him and drag him off his feet.
“What the fuck?” He slapped a hand on his attacker’s arm and bent forward to throw the guy over his shoulder. The man landed on the asphalt with a grunt and remained on his back in a daze as he stared at the tops of the buildings around them. Johnny delivered a fist into his gut, then stepped over him. “You got a lotta work to do on that move.”
“FBI,” Lisa shouted and aimed her pistol at the Kilomea’s head. “Stop or I will shoot.”
“A Light Elf with the FBI.” The huge magical chuckled. “Not for much longer.”
Johnny tossed another exploding disk at the creature’s back. It bounced off but made the intended target turn in confusion, and everyone stared at the blinking red light on the top of the disk.
“It’s all about timing,” the bounty hunter muttered.
His adversary snorted. “You gotta be kid—”
The disk exploded at the magical’s feet and Johnny threw another one behind him as he ran toward the stunned Kilomea. “Rex! Out!”
With a snarl, Rex jerked on the jeans caught between his jaws, ripped them all the way to the crotch, and leapt away with a mouthful as the second disk sailed toward the wizards.
They scrambled away from the flying explosive but were launched forward into a pile of trash bags on the other side of the dumpster.
Johnny lunged toward the Kilomea with his blade and slashed at the huge magical’s inner thigh.
“Fuck off!” His massive opponent whirled and battered his huge, hairy forearm against the dwarf’s chest.
The blow was sufficient to catapult him across the alley until his back thumped against the wall. He grunted, shook his head, and pointed his knife at the magical. “All I want is a little information.”
“You ain’t gettin’ shit!”
Lisa launched another fireball at the Kilomea’s face, but it sailed past him and over the heads of the wizards who tried to clamber out of the pile of trash. The next one she threw caught him in the chest and made him stagger back with another roar. Calmly, she leveled her gun at him again. “I don’t like to shoot someone unless I have a good reason. We can overlook whatever this stupid alley fight is if you simply tell us what we want to know.”
The alley settled into a tense silence broken only by Dennis’ feeble attempts to slap Luther off him while the hound whipped a mouthful of his shirt from side to side. “Get this fucking dog off me, man. What the hell’s wrong with you people?”
“Shut up,” the Kilomea snarled at him, breathing heavily.
Sirens blared in the distance and drew steadily closer.
Johnny stepped away from the wall. “We can do this all night if we have to. But know that my hounds are real good at sniffin’ out bullshit—and the idiots dishin’ it out.”
The large magical rubbed his seared chest around the charred hole Lisa’s fireball had made. “You’re dead already if that’s the name you’re after.”
“Then give me a better one.”
The sirens wailed at high volume on the other side of the bar and red and blue lights threw scattered shadows across the far end of the alley. The wizards finally extricated themselves and stood beside the dumpster to brush trash off their clothes and glare at Rex, who snarled at them in warning.
Luther growled at Dennis, who raised both hands and stared at the hound’s slavering jaws. “Want me to rip this one apart, Johnny?”
“These wizards can’t fight for shit,” Rex added.
The Kilomea grunted and opened his mouth. In the next moment, the shouting started.
The back door of The Death Trap burst open and a stream of half-drunk people spilled out into the alley.
“The cops are bustin’ the place up,” a short man with a shaved head and studded suspenders shouted. “Anyone with anything on them should get out.”
Luther snarled and leapt away from the crowd of people that streamed through the door. “What is this?”
“Fuck the police!” It was the same woman who’d popped her head through the back door when Johnny had first started his interrogation of Dennis. She threw devil horns into the air and whooped before her friend dragged her along the alley, moving with the tide of bodies.
Heavy metal pumped through the open door, accompanied by more shouts.
Johnny tried to push through the bodies to reach the Kilmoea, but he couldn’t cover ground fast enough. “Y’all need to move!”
“Yeah, you too, man. Unless you got nothing to hide.”
The dwarf grumbled as person after person darted out of the back door until the alley almost overflowed with them. He caught a glimpse of his target’s glowing yellow eyes beneath the restored human illusion before the magical and his cohorts vanished in the haze of drunk bodies that scattered through the back alleys of downtown Portland.
“Shit.”
Lisa had holstered her weapon the second the back door opened and now pushed down the alley toward him. “I have so many questions right now. Like why you thought it was a good idea to—”
“We need to go after ʼem,” he growled.
“Johnny…”
“Why do you wanna do that?” Rex asked as he sat at his master’s feet. “They didn’t have anything on ʼem.”
The dwarf glanced at his hound and frowned.
“He’s right, Johnny,” Luther added. “I shook that two-leg with the spikey hair up and down, and there wasn’t even a whiff of drugs on him. Or common sense, now that I think about it.”
“That hairy one was kind of a beast, but no drugs.”
“Nope. Not even a little.”
Johnny gritted his teeth. Then why the hell did they fight us?
“They recognized the name Lemonhead,” Lisa interjected. “Even if they’ve only heard the name and not met the guy. But I don’t think—”
“Forget it. They’re gone. But if I see those assholes again, I’ll pull the real damn answer out from between their teeth if I have to.” He flipped his utility knife shut and slipped it onto his belt. Without warning, he pushed toward the back door and wove around the last few stragglers escaping from the bar who stumbled over themselves and laughed as they looked back drunkenly to make sure they weren’t being followed. He caught the edge of the door and threw it open before he stormed inside.
“Johnny. Hey, come on!” Lisa lunged at the door but missed it by an inch before it clicked shut. There was no handle. “Seriously?”
She turned and looked at the hounds seated dutifully behind her.
“Don’t worry, lady.” Luther panted and stared at her. “He probably went in for a drink. Or two.”
Rex lowered his head to lick beneath one leg. “He’ll be back. Hey, maybe with snacks.”
She folded her arms and frowned at them. “You two look like you’re up to something. And I might be losing my mind. Come on. I bet we’ll find him out front after his drink.”
Inside the bar, Johnny nodded to the shredding guitar solo that blared over the speakers as two Portland police officers finished cuffing two men in baggy hoodies before they steered them toward the front door. The other two officers glanced around the half-empty bar with their hands on the butts of their holstered service pistols. After a moment, they exited after their colleagues.