Different perspectives Dianna thought, her face burning, hot with the shame of being dishonest with a police officer. But, they were white lies, she told herself and it was over. What difference did it make if she lied about what Lucy saw? Her family was not the reason Mark was dead. He had decided to end his life, for reasons only he knew, and nothing more.
"Can I get a glass of water?" Finn asked, from somewhere behind where Dianna sat, exhausted from the interview.
"How long have you been standing there?" she said, visibly shaken, not considering his question, but wondering how much of her statement he had overheard.
"Long enough to hear the truth," he said, opening the cabinet that had always held their drinking glasses.
BOOK THREE
THE
TRUTH
LUCY
FOUND
11
Lucy’s New Life
Four Plus Years Later
Lucy looked down at her watch and knew that if she did not get up and start moving soon, she might miss the first few minutes of her digital literacy class.
The sun felt heavenly on her pink cheeks, chilled by the crisp November morning air. The Quad's coffee was better than usual, and there was nothing left to check off her to-do list other than to surrender her seat to a fellow, wanting student. She did this grudgingly, hoping that another upperclassman, preferably an education major, would take her spot and not a lowly, clueless freshman. First-year students need to stand; it built character, she thought.
Lucy scooped up her heavy book bag, plugged in one earbud, and slowly headed across campus, making her way to class. This was her senior year at Campbell State, and she could not imagine leaving it behind in less than five months. She had created a safe and thriving space for herself here when her world at home, had dissolved into insanity.
Up until a few months ago, she had felt wholly erased from the lives of her entire family and best friend for almost four years, thrown away like a cheap pile of rubbish, without regret, as if she had never even existed-an insignificant ghost girl.
It had started shortly after the suicide of her next-door neighbor, Mark Smith. Finn, her best friend and Mark's son, had just stopped talking to her. It did not matter how many times she tried to explain that she had been clueless about any relationship between his dad and her older sister, Anne. Finn, apparently, still blamed her for his father's death. And then, there was a sudden end to her sister's relationship with Alex, who they had all thought was the father of Anne's baby.
Having become aware of the possibility that Anne's affair with Mark may have overlapped his relationship with her, Alex had demanded a paternity test. Unfortunately for baby Cooper, Alex was not the father. For some reason, Anne had never even considered the possibility that Alex was not the father or, perhaps, more likely anyone would ever find out. She had no plan B, and for the first month of Cooper's life, Lucy was afraid that Anne, overwhelmed and desperate, might surrender him for adoption.
Lucy watched as her sister rapidly slipped into depression, expressing feelings that her life was over, and no man would want her now, barely able to get herself out of bed with no desire to eat, bathe, or care of a newborn baby. Besides herself with worry, their mother took an extended leave of absence from work to be with her oldest daughter. On the other hand, their father wanted nothing to do with Cooper once he found out it was Mark's child, which, of course, devastated Anne, compounding the situation further. Lucy was at the end of her junior year of high school when Anne moved back home so Dianna could take care of both she and Cooper. The level of chaos and tension in the house was unbearably high most days.
Finn and his mom never spent another night in the house next door after Mark's suicide; they paid someone to come pack up their things, and then they moved, to a lovely townhome, not far away from the school where Charlotte worked. Since finding out Cooper was Mark's baby and Finn's brother, they had asked to meet up at a local park to see the baby, several times.
The first time, Charlotte got out of the car, staying less than five minutes, touching Cooper's feet and trying to talk, but sounding unintelligible through all the crying. The second time, Finn came out too, but he just stood there with his arms crossed, saying nothing, looking away while Charlotte asked questions about what type of baby Cooper was. Did he sleep through the night she inquired, what were the particulars of his eating patterns?
During these visits, Dianna acted cold and unwelcoming. She watched them all with a tight-lipped smile, let Lucy do much of the talking, and offering to let Charlotte hold Cooper. Anne commented each time how hard it was to be a single mom, to which Charlotte said nothing. Lucy hoped each time they met, that Finn would talk to her, but although he warmed up to Copper, the frost between him and Lucy- remained solid.
As the months went by, Cooper began to crawl, stand, and walk, unsteadily, between large pieces of furniture. Lucy was amazed at how someone so small could make such big messes all over their house.
Cooper was learning how to talk too, but he couldn't say Lucy's name yet. He could, however, say "Wuucee," and she loved it. Anne found it endearing too, and they belly laughed every single time he said it, drawing out the "eeee" at the end of Lucy.
As soon as school let out for the summer, Lucy agreed to watch Cooper in the afternoons so Anne could get out and have a quick break before their parents got home. This quickly became Lucy's favorite time of the day. She and Cooper took long walks in his blue gingham stroller-him babbling away as Lucy, patiently, affirmed his opinions. They played down in the woods with rocks and leaves just as she had with Finn when she was younger, and sometimes, they just sat on the couch and watched junk TV.
One night, Anne didn't come home in time for dinner, so Lucy forged ahead, putting Cooper in his highchair, doing all the things she thought Anne would have done if she had been there. She enjoyed feeding her nephew, watching him stick his little tongue out as she brought the spoon closer and closer to his mouth until she landed it like a jet airplane.
"Is that necessary, Lucy?" Dianna grouched, rolling her eyes, looking at Cooper's messy high chair tray and stained-up bib. "Where is your sister?"
"I don't know where Anne is. She's not answering my texts," Lucy said, smiling at Cooper, who was now putting applesauce in his hair and twisting it into tall spikes.
When Anne was still not home at ten-thirty, Lucy began to worry. Her parents had both gone to bed, so she set up the safari-themed pack-n-play in her room for little Cooper. He kicked his small feet against the olive green mesh walls of the crib, like a tiny prisoner trying to push his way out of captivity, but finally, those tired feet slid down, and his body relaxed into steady, deep breathing. She continued texting Anne, but again, there was no response.
Lucy lay thinking of Finn and going back over details in her mind. What had her twelve-year-old brain registered was going on between her sister and Finn's dad the day she saw them together in the backyard. She knew that when she had seen Mark touching her sister's body, she had understood he found Anne attractive, and it seemed her sister liked the attention, but she could not remember if she knew about sex in the sixth grade.
Mostly, she recalled being afraid to tell anybody. She wished Finn could trade places with her for just a few moments so he could see what it felt like to be her and not to know what to do about it. Then, maybe he wouldn't hate her so much for it. Lucy's eyes felt heavy, and she could hear Cooper's rhythmic breathing just a few feet away from her. She must have fallen asleep because she remembered a loud banging on her bedroom door, jolting her awake.
Lucy sat up slowly and squinted at the illuminated bedside clock; it was two-thirty in the morning, Anne was home, and little Cooper was crying loudly.
"Hey baby boy, mama missed you!" said Anne, in a sing-song voice, tripping over the case to the pack -n- play and slamming into the closet door, rattling the hangers.
"Anne, what are you doing?" said Lucy half awake, the light from the hallway outlining the shape
of her sister's body. "Calm down, I think you are scaring him, be careful; his foot is twisted up inside his pajama pants."
"I'm not scaring him; he's my damn baby Lucy," Anne shouted, triggered by Lucy's concern for her son's safety.
Lucy sat up, straighter in her bed, and looked closely at her sister. She was drunk and holding Cooper, scared and out of sorts from being woken up so abruptly. Lucy stood up and turned on the bedside lamp, her eyes squinting to adjust. Everything she knew about her sister told her the best thing to do would be to slow things down.
"I'm glad you're home safe," Lucy said. "The crib is set up here, so just put him back down, and then we can put everything back to normal tomorrow, it's late."
"Whatever you think you know about being a mom, Lucy, you are wrong, you don't know shit," Anne screamed, whipping Cooper to her other hip. "To be honest, if you weren't such a selfish person, his dad would still be alive right now, wouldn't he?"
The words stung like a punch to the face, and Lucy stepped back as if she was physically hit. Dianna burst into the room, took Cooper from Anne, and walked right back out, leaving the girls standing there, staring at each other. Lucy's eyes had already begun to well up with tears, but Anne's were flat, dead, empty.
"I'm done with you, Lucy; I want you out of my life, and I want you out of Cooper's life," she said. "You've always thought you were better than all of us. The only person you care about is yourself."
Anne calmly bent down, disassembled the pack-n-play, placed it clumsily back into the carrying case, and grabbed Cooper's bottle from Lucy's nightstand. She exited the bedroom without looking back, leaving Lucy standing in a sea of confusion and hurt.
The next morning, Dianna told Lucy she would spend her senior year living with her grandmother and attending virtual school so Anne and Cooper would have the best chance at a healthy relationship.
12
Living with Grandma
Living with Grandma had not been as awful as Lucy had imagined. Once she had gotten over the shock of being exiled from her own home, the arrangement quickly normalized.
Her grandmother's weekly schedule was so tight that Lucy never worried about coming up with anything extra to entertain them. Grandma volunteered at the library on Mondays, went to lunch with a ladies group on Tuesdays, and knitted colorful caps and scarves to sell as needed. She kept weekly hair appointments, and indulged in long, gossipy telephone calls daily, with friends Lucy did not even know.
The second thing that worked out well was not having to see Finn. Their high school had been large enough that she didn't run into him all the time, but it was more the fact that people never stopped asking why they didn't hang out anymore, to which she never had a decent answer. Lucy was naturally built not to need tons of socialization and enjoyed time alone, so living with Grandma was not the death sentence; it might have been for other girls her age.
Still, it was her senior year, and no one considering the importance of that had hurt her. What had honestly hurt the most, was her sister telling her she was done and wanting her out her life, and out of Cooper's life. Who said things like that to their sister? Lucy tried to think of something that Anne could do that would make her want to cut her out of her life for good, but she could not come up with anything.
And for what, Lucy thought? Anne had been in no shape to take care of Cooper that night. It could have been a dangerous situation. Lucy had felt it. Why couldn't she be honest with her sister? She had tried to say it in the kindest way possible. Couldn't Anne see how much she loved Cooper? Why was telling the truth so hard in their family?
Lucy, suddenly drawn out of her head, heard her grandmother coming slowly down the creaky little hallway to her bedroom. She quickly shoved paper plates and dirty glasses under the bed, throwing back the coverlet and making her bedroom more presentable.
"Lucy Elizabeth Morgan," her grandmother said. "Do you have any of my dishes in here?"
Lucy's face turned red, and obediently, she nodded her head. Slowly, she leaned over the side of the bed and pulled out all the dirty plates and dishes, some of them still holding food, unrecognizable now.
"Good heavens, child," her grandma said teasingly. "No wonder your mama sent you here."
"Hey!" Lucy contested loudly, laughing and throwing a bed pillow at her grandmother. "Now, I'll just stuff it all back under the bed!"
Lucy spent many days talking through all that had happened at home when she first moved in, which had surprised her grandmother, who had been given a completely different story by Dianna. Her grandmother felt it unnecessary to mention the discrepancies between Lucy and Dianna's version of events in keeping with the family tradition of never resolving problems. As time went on, they spoke less and less about Dianna, John, Anne, and Cooper and focused more on their everyday lives and events that were happening locally.
In the fall, they visited pumpkin patches and picked out the fattest, roundest gourd they could find. Lucy carved it into a malicious face that shown brightly off her grandmother's tiny front porch, persuading younger children to skip their house on Halloween. For Thanksgiving, they decided to forgo the big family feast and stuffed themselves silly at a local Chinese buffet. When Christmas rolled around, Lucy went to Walmart and purchased a gigantic Douglas fir. Once she set it up, she went to find Grandma, who excitedly approved the tree and told Lucy where to find her stash of holiday decorations. Lucy climbed up into the attic with her grandmother looking on, and brought down a box of ornaments, so heavy and dusty, that she had to get the dirt devil out to vacuum off the top before they could open it.
That afternoon, Lucy sat on the living room floor and listened to her grandmother tell a story about every single ornament she pulled from the box. Many of them had belonged to Dianna, and Lucy was surprised to hear her grandmother tell good stories about her mom, a woman who seemed incapable of much good in Lucy's mind, incapable of loving her at the very least.
They reminisced for hours, until finally, her chatty grandmother fell asleep in her grandfather's old threadbare recliner, wrapped up in a tatty, knitted blanket still garbed in heels and her oversized earrings. Lucy slipped off her grandmother's shoes, placed them neatly by her feet, cloaked in tan-colored hose, and placed another blanket on top of her, for good measure.
She looked back at the large box of dated ornaments lying open behind her and pledged by morning; each would hang on the magical tree from Walmart. As she touched the fading edges of crocheted ornaments and colored bulbs, she thought about her own childhood Christmas trees and the family who had gathered around them. Grief she had not anticipated, pierced mercilessly through her guarded heart, while hopeless, lonely tears began to slide down her cheeks. Lucy crouched down by the tree to steady herself and let the wave of sadness pass over her. She looked longingly at the colored lights dotting the tree branches, and thought of the blooms of hydrangeas, dotting the sides of the porch in her backyard. What had she done to deserve this, she wondered, what had she ever done?
Christmas morning came quickly and brought the smell of salty bacon and hot coffee from the kitchen. Her grandmother, whistling as she happily made bear-claw biscuits lulled Lucy gently awake from a dream. As the vision faded away, a small illumination glowing under the bed sheet caught her groggy attention. A text message flashed unexpectedly on Lucy's phone. It was from Finn. She opened the text and found it was just a picture, nothing more, no message. Lucy rolled over in bed, slipped on her glasses, and brought the phone close to see an image of Finn holding Cooper, on Santa's lap at the mall back home.
A small little cry caught in her throat, and again, hot tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. Cooper was so big, and there he was with Finn, two people that she loved, off-limits to her for reasons that she did not understand. Cooper's hands were resting, one on Santa's knee, and the other on Finn's hand. This made Lucy smile and sob out loud at the same time. They had Christmas without her.
She knew she was not welcome home for Christmas. Her mom had se
nt her a Christmas card four days after Thanksgiving with no gift inside, which had perplexed her grandmother, wishing her a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. It was signed, Mom. She had left off the love -as in Love, Mom. This would become Dianna's trademark, a habitual punch in the gut every birthday and holiday to come, but this first time, caught Lucy off guard, and it stung. No gifts and no love, punishments for not keeping the family secrets quiet, Lucy thought. Her mother had warned her, but she had not listened. Love withheld not only on paper but in real life, as well.
Lucy lay back on the bed and let the tears fall, pain burning in her left hand until she felt like she could think and see again. She squinted down at her phone through sore, swollen eyes and texted Finn back, fingers shaking, praying that this was the beginning of something good coming back to her.
"Thank you for the picture," she typed." He is getting so big~I wish I could be there!"
Lucy lay still, barely breathing, waiting to see the response bubbles pop up on her phone, an indication someone was texting back, but nothing ever came. She waited for what seemed like forever until a sinking feeling settled into her chest. Finn was not going to respond to her-she knew it intuitively, but why? Being ghosted by the people she loved the most felt like falling into a well, except she never hit bottom, and there was no water, just a bottomless solitary pit of aloneness and grief. No one would come looking for her either, because the search party had become her lynch mob.
This pattern eventually happened with all her family members, them texting her then not responding when she texted back. Unfortunately, it took her a long time to understand it as a means of control and punishment, and eventually, she stopped responding to them at all.
The Truth Lucy Spoke (The Truth Turned Upside Down Book 2) Page 6