by J. C. Allen
Nothing else matters. I have Ella.
“I have to go.”
She sat up suddenly. It was too soon, too quick—I grabbed her hand, as if to make a point.
“Wait.”
But she didn’t seem interested in doing that.
“Simon…”
“I want to see you again. Don’t run away.”
“I’m not leaving.”
She gave me a sad smile as I let her get up. I watched her get dressed, relishing the moment. You sure seem like you’re leaving…
“When can I see you again?”
I was terrified at the prospect that, just like eight years ago, she’d walk out, never to be seen again.
“I don’t know. I just got a job and I have to look after Michael.”
“Who?”
“The kid I was with.”
So it’s hers, then.
Ella has a kid now…
She smiled and threw the long strap of her purse over her. I sensed something in her, something she wasn’t articulating as she walked to the door.
But I didn’t say anything. The whole thing felt like a ticking time bomb, but the bomb wasn’t anywhere close to going off.
“Just call me.”
“Okay. I will.”
She turned to leave. I watched after, and as the door shut…
I don’t know why it feels like I don’t believe her.
4
Rosella
A few weeks had passed since I ran into Simon, and, unfortunately, once again, I had had to move on from him.
But unlike before, when I was a coward, now, I just had a kid to take care of. He didn’t need to know that, even though he probably did, and I needed to be there for Michael. What I had with Simon at his clubhouse was hot as hell, but it was just a one-off.
Granted, compared to what I was doing now—standing before a realtor—it seemed lot more promising.
“I just need a place that’s safe and quiet.”
The realtor before me looked like he didn’t even know what he was doing. He certainly didn’t look like he was interested in what he was doing, that was for sure.
“Okay… there are a few. They all need work though. Small town. But we have a good contractor that does work for cheap.”
I nodded. I just wanted the project done and taken care of.
“That’s fine.”
I checked my watch, seeing I still had time from my lunch break. I wasn’t really in a rush to get back—seeing Momma Kinsmen every day wasn’t exactly good for my sense of morals—but I would have to eventually.
“This place is close to the hospital. You could walk if you wanted, and close to the elementary school. I can get the rent down from the landlord, since it’s so outdated.”
He showed me pictures of a house that could have come out of the conjuring or a bad HGTV episode. It certainly wasn’t a pretty or a nice house.
But it was in my price range, and with some work, it could be cute. Given that I wasn’t looking to be a hard bargainer right now, I was all too eager to accept and move on.
“Okay. Sure.”
“Good. I’ll email the paperwork.”
I almost wished it wasn’t summer, so I didn’t have to leave Michael at the daycare so long. But he was in the hands of one of my trusted babysitters, Grace, who had agreed to watch him during the day and do things with him. And now that I was getting a home, things were coming together just a little more.
Even if I seemed to be developing a bad habit of just walking out on things.
“Rosella, you seriously still have this?”
I turned and frowned at Grace, who eyed me with her judgmental look that I know not to take to heart. She then grinned at me with her bright blue eyes and brown hair. It was hard to be mad at her, even if she was making fun of my stuffed animal.
“It’s Michael’s.”
It wasn’t. The bunny rabbit with blue ears had been mine since I was ten, and I had never let it go.
“Well last I checked, Michael didn’t like bunny rabbits.”
Grace tossed it back on my bed and continued helping me unpack the big brown boxes.
It had taken me a few days to move in. Grace had just gotten back into town yesterday from vacation and was already jumped into helping me. Her aide was coming in handy with Michael, but unfortunately, with everything going on, it was becoming a little too handy—it was hard to get time to see him.
“This place looks like it needs a priest, Ros.”
And comments like that aren’t making things any easier.
She shook her head at me. Somehow, despite my feelings toward her right now, I let her use my nickname—I suppose that was because her and Simon were the only ones who ever called me anything but my real name.
“I know, but it’s cheap. And after all the work is finished it will make a nice home. Plus, it’s just a starter place.”
I sat next to her, wiping a sheen of sweat from my forehead. I pulled at my t-shirt to fan myself and curled my bare legs up on the bed. Goodness, I haven’t even dressed it yet. I don’t know even where the sheets are! Grace, next to me, laughed.
But then her face got serious, and I had a bad feeling for what was coming.
“Did you run out of the money you took from your Dad yet?”
Unfortunately, her question was disappointingly accurate for what I expected.
She knew my dad was a touchy subject. He was controlling, mean, a criminal, and someone I was, frankly, in hiding from him. I didn’t know how long it would last, how much further I could take it. I just knew I couldn’t be under his rule anymore, under the control of his henchmen.
Mom knew what he was when she got involved with him. I could never believe that she truly loved him that much until I met Simon… except he wasn’t even a real biker and wasn’t a criminal.
Dad, on the other hand, hurt people, even killed them—all in the name of power. I was convinced that I was an accident, as no way a man like him would want a baby. When I got older, I realized he wanted a son and not a daughter, which wasn’t exactly great for our relationship. In high school, he started to have his meetings around me, cluing me in on what he was doing. The other men that worked for him around the house were horrible; they would look me up and down and survey me right in front of him. It wasn’t until after I met Simon that I discovered he planned to marry me off, and that Simon, along with his entire club, would be in danger just for being with me.
So, I left.
One thing brought me back, but it hurt to think about it. I shoved the memory from my mind and tried to remember what Grace asked me in the first place, but it was hard after going down that memory lane.
“I took enough, but I’m saving it for a rainy day. I didn’t plan on getting a good job so soon.”
Grace just sighed.
“You know, it’s great you still became a nurse. With Michael and all.”
I smiled, feeling the tension leave my shoulders. The change in subject was much needed.
“It was easy to hide in college, given that student housing is very accommodating. You helped too.”
I didn’t want to say that Grace followed me anywhere, but after graduation when I left, she was more than willing to come with me. I also didn’t like the thought of running away on my own with a small child either. We lived together, so she watched Michael when she could and I finished college in three years.
But when I spotted one of my dad’s henchmen outside my apartment, I left ahead of her with Michael. She kept up appearances until he left, and then I came back. But it was a horrifyingly nightmarish time.
We couldn’t use credit or debit cards. I didn’t have direct deposit. I had to take so many seemingly unnecessary steps to protect myself that I could barely keep up—could barely avoid my father’s wrath.
“I guess I helped a bit,” Grace said. “Where is he anyway?”
“Setting up his toys.”
Sure enough, I could still hear him playing
around with them.
“Have you um… seen him yet?”
I knew who she meant by “him.” There was no getting around it.
“I have…”
Grace’s reaction was immediate.
“Oh no—”
She started to laugh. I just nudged her knee, having to go along with it.
“We had sex at the club in one of those dingy rooms,” I confessed. “It was amazing of course, but I felt so bad after. I haven’t talked to him since.”
“Damn, Ros,” Grace said, not exactly subtle in her response. “What are you gonna do?”
I shrugged my shoulders. I had done so much thinking about it, I’d forgotten to decipher my feelings on it. And I’m not about to start now.
“Suffer until the last minute.”
The words came out much more honestly than I wanted to. Grace hugged me around my shoulders. We sat like that for a while. I tried not to cry because I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop if I did. I have always loved him, and now it only hurt more to be so close to him again.
But I knew this was the reason I had to come back—not only to escape my father, but to confront my past.
“So when is this construction guy coming anyway?” she said, standing and stretching out before taking apart the box.
“Um, I don’t know. Should be today.”
I glanced at my bedside clock. It was just after noon, so he should have arrived by now.
“Well, I have to be at work at one. So you’re on your own.”
“What is it this time?” I said with a teasing grin.
She straightened out her jeans and put her blouse back on over her tank top.
“Receptionist at the dental office.”
Hey, it’s work.
“Hm, fun.”
She shrugged.
“Got any food for me on the way out?”
I followed her out to the kitchen. Everything was fully unpacked, and the place looked somewhat homely. It was a relief in comparison to the damn motel we had to stay at.
Grace found a yogurt cup in the fridge and stuffed it in her oversized bag, along with a juice pack and string cheese.
“See ya,” she said, hugging me before she left.
I set off to find Michael, who was right where I left him on the floor. His orange overalls hung off his little shoulder as he ran his bike around me in circles. The bike was sime mini Harley toy he picked out, and honestly, it almost gave me a heart attack when he did. I have another mini one… it made me think of the day I would have to tell his father the truth.
“Hi Mommy!”
He smiled up at me like I have no faults in the world. I hope he always smiles at me like that. I guess with being a mother, I just might get that luxury.
“Whatcha doing?”
I crouched down next to him, picking at one of his mini men toys.
“Playing. Is it time for lunch?”
He was still running his bike in circles. It was kind of marvelous how much energy little kids had; it felt like the kind of thing that was completely indescribable.
“Yeah, what do you want today?”
“Chicken nuggets.”
“Okay,” I say with a laugh, because it still sounds like “shrikken nuggeds.”
That, and it was almost cliche that a five year old would want chicken nuggets.
“With ketchup and cheese fries.”
I laughed again. I had obviously given him unhealthy eating habits. Just so long as he doesn’t get other unhealthy habits.
“Coming right up. Let’s get this cleaned up so when the man comes to help us fix up the place, he doesn’t trip on your Legos.”
“Okay but they’re not Legos Mommy, they’re building blocks.”
I’ll get it right someday, sweetie.
Once we finished cleaning up, I perched him in the breakfast nook at the kitchen with paper so he could draw while he watched television. I looked around as I was making his lunch, and one thought struck me.
It feels like home.
It came over me out of nowhere, a warm feeling I got when I saw him laughing at his cartoon. It should have only been a warm feeling… but instead, it came with a feeling of dread, because I didn’t want to lose this. I had lost so much in my life or had to abandon so much… I just never wanted to have that feeling again.
And yet, if history is any indicator, I’ll probably do just that.
The doorbell then rang but stopped halfway through, as if it broke. I suppose I’ll add that to the list of things I need to clean up.
“Stay here, Mike.”
I ruffled his hair and kissed his forehead, to which he let out a little growl.
I jogged up to the front door swung the wooden door wide open.
My jaw dropped at the sight in front of me.
“Simon? How the hell did you find out where I live?”
My brain ran a thousand miles a minute. It brought back thoughts of being controlled and followed, just like…
Simon furrowed his brows at me and hardened his immaculate face. He, still, looked perfect, almost better than before. He had such smooth skin and a rugged, permanent two day shadow lining his chiseled jaw. His lips were thick, a perfect pink color that faded when he licked them.
Beyond that, he was tall and imposing, taking up the entire door way with his broad shoulders and wide chest, muscled beyond imagination. He was the perfect wet dream in his faded jeans and tight gray tee shirt.
And now he knew where I lived.
“What?” he said, pulling me out of my reverie.
“How did you find me? You can’t just show up at my home and invade my privacy just because I didn’t call you.”
He looked me over, slowly, inch by inch of my body, and set me on fire. When his eyes settled on my face again, he looked me right in the eyes and frowned, twitching up his face at me as he tried to formulate a response. I jutted my jaw and waited, impatiently.
Instead of responding to me, though, he simply moved to the side and pointed at his truck. When I forced myself to pay attention, I saw the name of the construction company I hired.
You’ve got to be shitting me.
“I’m as surprised as you are.”
“I—I’m…”
“Save it,” he said, sighing. “Look, I can go if you want. But you won’t find another construction company for the next two towns over.”
I froze as I thought it over. Simon, in my house, at all hours of the day, sweaty and muscled… that didn’t sound like a very good idea.
But he was right. I wouldn’t find another company that can actually do a good job for miles.
“No, I just… was taken by surprise is all.”
“Why? Because you haven’t called me since we fucked over a month ago?”
Right to the point, huh? I swallowed hard and was glad Michael was in the living room where he couldn’t hear that. My face went red, and it sure wasn’t from the sun beating down at us. Simon, though, just stared me down like he knew that he got to me.
And he did.
“I’m sorry about that…”
“Mommy, I want more!”
And now Simon knows I have a kid. Goddamnit. This cannot be getting any more awkward. This is so bad. So bad.
“Coming, bub! Simon, come in, we’ll talk in a second.”
I hurried back into the kitchen to find Michael smiling up at me from his place on the table. I gave him the last of the chicken nuggets and cheese fries.
“Be careful,” I said, making sure that he knew better than to sit on the kitchen table. Just don’t fall, you’ll be good.
I found Simon back where I left him, leaning against the door frame with his hardened expression. He looked as impatient and pissy as ever.
“So, am I working today or not?”
His voice was so gruff and deep. It rang in the floor boards of the house and seemed to clean the stuffy air.
“Um… yes. So… how does this work?”
He pushed off the w
all and stepped my way, taking the piece of gum he was chewing and sticking it to the wall. I should be angry… except he looked so sexy doing it I forgot how to care.
“I do my work. You stay out of the way, and it will make the project go faster. Deal?”
I swallowed at his darkened eyes boring down on me. He just made every part of my body tingle and sizzle, like I was slowly being set on fire.
“Okay…”
He licked his lips as his eyes roved over my body again. I felt gooMikeumps rising on every bare part of my skin that he was looking at.
“I guess I shouldn’t even ask you why you didn’t call, I’ll probably get a bullshit response.”
“I got busy, with work and…”
With Michael.
He didn’t ask me about him. I almost wished he would, because it was easier to avoid him this way and I didn’t want to anymore. It was eating me alive. But I also had no idea how to break the news. To both him and Michael.
“Right. Busy.”
He shook his head. I stepped closer to him, but he moved back in return. Tears pricked my eyes at the rejection.
“Simon—”
“I gotta get to work here.”
He looked away from me, forcefully moving on. I struggled to find the right words and only ended up hurting myself in the process. This time, it’s him walking out on me.
I wanted him after all these years. I wanted to be his again, be… a family. But I knew I couldn’t have that.
I risked a lot the first night I saw him and was risking even more letting him be here now. But it felt too good, just to be in his presence.
Still, the cold, dangerous warning of my father returned. He’ll destroy Simon and his family if I don’t forget him.
“Then I guess I’ll stay out of your way.”
I was hiding with my eight year old son, and I didn’t even feel bad about it.
Every time I heard Simon pound his hammer into the ground, I just about lost my mind. Michael kept me sane for a little bit with his cartoons and his questions, but I eventually grew bored and tired. I figured a shower would clear my head, so I told Michael to stay in his room while I go. I just needed ten minutes to myself, but… I was worried about doing even that.