by J. C. Allen
But I could not stay there. I had to start thinking of our future.
Michael needed his father. I could see it in him now, where the dads would pick their kids up from day care, or from school, or from any number of situations. He was too young to know what longing was, but I could nevertheless see it in him. It broke my heart. It was all my fault…
And yet, the alternative was to put everyone in danger. Michael. Simon. Myself. Much as this distance sucked…
It was worth all this, just to keep them safe. To keep Simon and his family safe, too.
I woke up the next morning, and, for a moment, I forgot what happened last night.
Then I inhaled and smelled sawdust in the air, and it started coming back to me.
Simon, our kiss, him walking away. I didn’t even expect to see him today because I was decently sure I had driven him to the edge. The only upside to that would be his safety, as if we were not together, my Dad had no reason to want to come here and hurt him.
Or send my uncle, which was worse, because he didn’t love me as much. My dad may have been evil and done horrible things, but he never hurt me directly, not even Simon—because he could have killed him back then, but he didn’t.
My uncle, though, wouldn’t care; he would see the opportunity to cause pain and destruction and take it, all in the name of my father.
Still, I felt safe for the first time in a while in this house, with Michael. It could have had to do with how much dedication Simon has put into making it a home for me, among other things, too.
I finally dragged myself out of bed. Like always, I went to wake up Michael so I could get him ready. He hated waking up early, but with the renovation and other moving costs, I didn’t have the extra cash to pay for an in-home babysitter, so I had to go with the free one at the hospital.
“Can’t I sleep more, mommy?”
I crouched down and warmed the bath water while I fought with him to get him undressed.
“Not now. But maybe you can take a nap later at daycare.”
He sighed like a grown man. I couldn’t blame him; he had to grow up fast in my world.
“Figures.”
He then turned to the tub and made a funny face at me. I looked down at him and set my hands on my hips.
“What is it?”
I held back a yawn, even though I was tired, wobbling on my feet. It’s going to take plenty of coffee to get me going.
“I can bathe myself, Mom.”
He ruffled his mini-brows and scrunched his small features as he asserted himself in the cutest fashion possible. I tried my hardest not to laugh so I wouldn’t ruin his confidence.
“Okay. Use the mat so you don’t slip, and wipe—”
“All my man parts, I know.”
I smiled at him before leaving for my own bedroom.
I had to try not to cry on the way because I forgot that growing up was a thing. He used to be a little ball of softness that I had to perch on my hip to keep from crying, but now? Now, he wanted to bathe himself and become a little man. It hurt, but not in a bad way.
Not like how other things were hurting.
My shower was scalding hot and woke me up. I then dressed in jeans and a tee shirt. I brought a denim jacket in case it got a little windy. I headed to the kitchen, only shocked to find Michael at the breakfast nook with a bowl of cereal and one of his cartoons on.
“So you’ve only been using me to make your breakfast for you?” I joked as I opened the fridge, grabbing one of my packaged breakfast smoothies.
“No,” he said with a full mouth. “I don’t need help for cereal.”
I joined him with my water and vitamins and my shake. It was a normal mother-son breakfast until he asked the question that I had tried to avoid all night and all morning.
“Is Bob coming today?”
I thought to myself who Bob was before I realized he was just talking about Simon. Not that the realization helped matters.
“I don’t know. Maybe. Why?”
He shrugged, looking up at me with his green-brown eyes.
“I like him. He’s funny.”
Oh, damnit. Simon and him are bonding. I guess I should be happy, and I kind of am. But…
“He’s funny? I thought I was funny.”
“Yeah but he’s man funny. I only talk to the daycare ladies and the other little girls at day care.”
He slumped his little shoulders. I sank a little inside at the implications of what he had said.
How did I not realize he didn’t have a male role model in his life? I had often thought about how he didn’t have a dad around, but to realize he simply didn’t have another man to look up to… I once again felt like I had failed. I wished I knew of places that I could take him, where guys would even want to hang out with little kids. There was no boys and girls club here, or even a YMCA.
The closest, frankly, was Simon’s club, but obviously, for many reasons, that wasn’t going to work.
“Oh… well I hope he comes then, so you can have some fun with him.”
He nodded with a grin. I could have told him the truth right then, but then there is the thought of not being certain Simon would actually be here. If my Dad did find us, and God forbid he delivered on his threats, he would tear apart whatever semblance of a family we may have. I couldn’t do that to Michael; he had lost so much without even knowing it.
“Time to go, bub.”
I cleaned up the kitchen somewhat and get him settled in the car. I didn’t even play the radio on the way, I was so in my head that I just forgot to turn it on.
I got to the hospital daycare, dropped Michael off, and said goodbye, telling him to be good and what not. Fortunately, I didn’t really need to since in general, he was a well behaved kid.
I took two elevators to get to the locker room. Once I changed, I ran into one of the other ER doctors on my way out. I didn’t see them much, but for this particular one, it wasn’t necessarily a bad distraction.
“Oh, hi Dr. Ellis.”
Tony Ellis was tall and handsome, with sandy hair and blue eyes, the whole Midwest doctor look. I couldn’t lie and say that I didn’t find him hot, but he just wasn’t for me. Simon, though—rugged, dark, sharp around the edges but soft inside?
“Call me Tony, we’ve been over this Rosella. You have a good morning?”
“Sure. I dropped Michael off at day care.”
“Oh yeah. How is he?” he said with a grin.
Here we go. I knew Tony was hitting on me the first time we talked and he had tried to ask me out. It was soon after I started working here. But I mentioned having a son, and he didn’t say anything. I guess that didn’t turn him away.
I thought of what Michael said this morning and wondered what it would be like if I did date Tony and he made it to meeting Michael and hanging out with him. Michael would finally feel like he had a male role model to look up to.
But I didn’t want that to be Tony. I wanted it to be Simon, and deep down, his brothers too.
But that would mean bringing in a whole host of risk to everyone’s lives…
“Good.”
I cleared my throat and stopped at the elevator, pressing up while he presses down.
But unfortunately, the flirtation didn’t stop. In fact, it escalated.
“I was wondering if you would have dinner with me. Tonight maybe? I have afternoon surgeries.”
“I can’t, I’m sorry. And—um, Michael’s father lives here. It’s why I came back.”
That is technically true. So… yeah. I guess I’m not a liar as well.
“Oh, I see.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t worry about it. We can be friends, and if you need a babysitter, I’m happy to do it.”
I gave him a funny look as the elevator opens. It was an opportunity to get Michael some men in his life. But… it felt like Tony wasn’t saying it for that reason.
“Why would you do that?”
“Because I’m a nice
guy. And, my mother was a single mom. I figure I could help in some way.”
That was a lot sweeter of a response than I had pegged him to give me. It made me look at him in a slightly different way.
“Wow, that’s nice of you. Though I’m sure your schedule is a lot busier than mine.”
“We’ll see then.”
He gently laughed. The door slid shut, and I smiled up until the intensive care floor.
Sometimes I wonder why I chose this specialty with sick babies, especially considering that some that don’t make it. Seeing the sick babies would inevitably make me put Michael in their spot, and I would get emotional. I would try not to think about that, because doctors and nurses had to remain detached, but I’d been out of training for so long that I hadn’t reacquired that skill yet.
When I broke for lunch, I went down to daycare to check in on Michael. Of course, he was fine. Nothing bad had happened to him.
But on days like this, when everything went to hell, when I had to deal with multiple deaths, when the stress from the night before was bearing down on me…
Well, days like this mandated a few breaks to the bathroom to wipe my tears away.
Michael was a sea of questions on the way home. It was one of those days where I lost the fight to my fatigue and ended up buying a take out dinner—and fast food at that, no less.
I knew Michael needed good, consistent nutrition, but I couldn’t even give him that today. Most days I did, but I had to get into a good routine before it killed us both.
“I like fried chicken mommy. Don’t worry.”
I sat and ate with Michael, who was as perceptive as ever about my bad mood.
“You do?”
I said, picking at a biscuit.
“Yes, with honey. Why are you upset?”
I forced a smile at him. Kids seemed to just know things that adults never admitted out loud.
“I’m not upset, bub.”
In fact, I was glad to be home early. I’d have to work a double later, but for right now, I was very happy.
“Yeah but you aren’t telling any jokes about work.”
I wondered where he learned to be so perceptive. It wasn’t necessarily from me.
I thought about lying to him, but right now… well, there were some truths that, strange as it may have been, I could feel comfortable talking about.
“Well, I’m fine. But, a baby did die today, and it was very sad.”
“Oh. Sorry Mom.”
Michael bowed his head. He didn’t cry, but I knew he was empathizing with the child. You’ll be a better human than I’ve ever been, kid.
“Thank you.”
I went back to eating when a loud knock came at the door.
“It’s Bob!”
Michael ran off. I tried to catch him to teach him not to open the door for strangers, or better yet, not call Simon Bob if it was him.
But he was so fast and got out of sight. Sure enough….
“Simon!” Michael said.
At least he realizes it’s a nickname and not the real name. That’s nice.
Simon stepped inside and fist bumped him.
“Hey, kid.”
“I thought you weren’t coming today! I want to use a hammer.”
He reached for it from Simon’s tool belt hanging from one of his hands. Thankfully, Simon didn’t let him as I closed the gap.
“No, Mike, that’s dangerous.”
Moving in to get Michael got me closer to Simon. I inhaled his intoxicating scent, and it drove me crazy. Not now, Ella. Not now!
“Aw.”
“Maybe tonight. I’m finishing up the deck.”
I glared at Simon, but he wasn’t paying attention to me—just looking at the little one.
“Okay!” Michael said, jumping in his shoes.
Simon laughed at him, and it made me smile. Simon would make for a great male influence, to say the least.
“Let’s wash up from dinner,” I said to Michael.
He reluctantly agreed, and I let him go ahead of me to the kitchen. It left me alone with Simon, whom I haven’t talked to after he pulled me off him and then left.
“Hi, Simon.”
I crossed my arms so I didn’t touch him. But he was right in front of me, in his tight jeans and black shirt, a vision of all the things I wanted in one place.
“Ella,” he nodded at me and headed for the back deck, not giving me a chance to address him further.
“I’m sorry,” I shouted.
His footsteps stopped as he turned to face me.
“For what, Ella? Do you even know?”
I swallowed hard. My mouth was dry because I couldn’t even answer that.
He gave one last look, a storm brewing behind his eyes, before he stomped away.
To get away from it all, I started working on setting up my office. I could hear the hammer and nails and occasional drill, but that’s about it from outside. I finished decorating the desk and setting up a PC I never thought I would use. I got the simple stuff set up—storage, internet, email, and so on. I checked it, thinking I might just see a paystub from work and coupons, but I found an unknown email in there. No subject, no address, just the unread color.
I clicked on it and briefly thought I might have just unleashed a virus.
It wasn’t, but it might as well have been.
A photo of Simon and me popped up, kissing on my back porch from just last night. Bile rose in my throat before I read the line just below.
I found you.
I felt sick everywhere—in my soul, in my bones, everywhere. I became very fearful. My father had probably sent my uncle, who had to have taken that photo.
I felt ill, thinking about him seeing us that way. But even worse, he could have killed Simon right there on the spot and came in the house and gotten Michael too. But he didn’t, and I knew why—and it wasn’t for nice reasons.
My father liked to play games; the chase was part of his satisfaction. I knew he had the reins on my uncle because he was more of an animal, a brute attacker. I knew exactly what my father was thinking because I was around enough to hear him plot against his enemies.
Now he was doing it to me.
My father must be angry now, beyond reasoning. I had no way to contact him, and it had to stay that way, because if I beg, no matter what I beg for, he will say the word and have Simon killed.
I should have listened to him from the start. And I never should have brought Simon into this, because no matter where I went, I would never be safe until my father was dead.
But now Simon won’t be safe, unless my father was dead.
It now seemed all but inevitable someone would die.
7
Simon
“How did you learn how to do this?”
Michael was a very inquisitive child. I definitely had come to notice that. Admittedly, I wasn’t around kids much, if ever, but it was still wildly impressive.
I still couldn’t imagine Ella pregnant, but when I did… I quickly realized that I wanted to see her that way—with my kid.
And I didn’t even know that I wanted kids. I wondered if she had to give birth alone, and whose kid this even was. Mom had dropped her own hints, suggesting I was the father, but when I looked at Michael, I just didn’t see it. Or is it that I don’t want to see it for some reason?
“I learned on the job.”
I wiped sweat from my forehead and moved onto the next plank. I instructed him to stay on the bench on the other side, as last thing I needed was him getting hurt. The look Ella had on her face when she only thought he had gotten into a nail gun was reason enough to pay attention—and that didn’t even get into all of the trouble with the law and such I’d be in if I did that.
“But why?” he asked.
Coming from any other kid, the questions might have been annoying. In fact, coming from any other kid, the questions would have been incredibly annoying. I was a guy who liked to focus on his job while he had his job in front of
him, not someone who wanted to be distracted by social media or anything else, let alone kids.
But with Michael? With him? How could I not feel anything but honest excitement and happiness that he was so interested in what I was doing?
“What do you mean?” I said.
He swung his legs from his orange shorts. With his blue top on, he looks like a candy bar. He must have gotten to the dress himself phase. That was encouraging—at least he was progressing at what felt like a normal pace.
“Why didn’t you go to school or have training?”
I laughed. The idea of me going to school or doing well in school was, well, a little implausible. After all, we were Kinsmen, and the notion that any of us would do anything besides the club or… I guess, in my case, get into construction was just laughable.
“I never liked school. And sometimes you don’t have to get training.”
“Oh,” he said, surprised. “I want to be a doctor.”
I laughed, as I wasn’t sure that Michael could have picked a field that required even more schooling. At least he’s going to the field that pays better than anything I’ll ever do.
“You definitely have to go to school for that.”
I measured the nail drops and hammered them in.
“I know. Mom went to school for a long time to become a nurse. She says doctors are dipshits.”
I laughed and stopped. I’d never heard Michael say anything even remotely that bad, but then again, was it kind of hypocritical to call him out for as much swearing as I did?
Nah. Help him be a better man than you are.
“That’s a bad word, kid. Your mom say that to you?”
“No, I got it from Grace. I listened.”
I nodded. I didn’t think it was the Grace from back in high school he was talking about. But, then again, there were a lot of things I didn’t know about.
Grace and Ella were attached at the hip by the time we met. Grace would always tag along, sometimes with her own boyfriends. Ella tried to set her up with one of my brothers, anyone that wanted her, but it didn’t last longer than the homecoming dance. At least she was nice, though.