by Drew Elyse
“We’ve got a long way to go before all of that, I know it,” he kept going. “I just want you to understand where I’m at.”
I nodded, lost for words.
I didn’t need them, not with Liam. He knew what he’d said was hard for me to hear, even as I wanted to savor each word. So he let me off the hook, kissing me again, if only because we still had the chance at privacy.
“I’m glad you like it, gypsy.”
I more than liked it.
I was starting to think I felt that way about a lot of things.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Kate
I was shaking.
More specifically, I was sitting in my parked car outside the Disciples’ clubhouse, dreading going inside so much that my body was physically in a state of revolt.
“Are we getting out of the car?” Called out by my six-year-old.
“Yeah, bug.”
There was no point in sitting here, getting more nervous. I’d told Liam I would deal with this today. I couldn’t renege, not after how long I’d already put this off. Not to mention, it wasn’t fair to Daz for him to hear this from someone else.
When Sketch had invited Liam to the cookout yesterday, he’d decided it was time to give me the shove that I knew I needed. It had been too long, far too long since this had started between us.
“I want to be there tomorrow, and I want to be there as more than Sketch’s employee.”
“Lee,” I tried to argue.
“Gypsy, you can get a lot by using that name, but I’m asking you not to do it here. We can’t keep sneaking around. It isn’t right. These people are your family, and they’re my friends. I don’t like lying to them and hiding this. You have to tell him.”
“I know.”
He sighed. “I know you know, but you haven’t done it. I don’t want to be the dick that tries to tell you how to handle this shit, but I’m starting to feel like I don’t have a choice. It’s not just about me wanting it in the open, it’s about Daz deserving to find out from you, not because someone else catches on and says something.”
With a deep breath and steeled spine, I made myself get out. Liam had been right. This had to be done, or I’d risk damaging relationships with two people that meant a lot to me.
Owen was all about being freed from his seat. The Disciples referred to cars as “cages” a lot, preferring the freedom of being on a bike. I wondered if Owen was on the road to being like that. Or maybe he was just a kid and kids got fussy.
We walked up to the building together, but Owen took off running once we were in. He knew the score. The clubhouse was safe for any of the kids to run off. There were times it got rowdy around there, but not days like today. Then, it was all about family, and part of that was all the adults keeping a collective eye on the kids so they could have free reign. He was gunning for the back lot, knowing that’s where all the action would be.
I followed slower, stopping in the lounge area when I saw one of the old ladies, Quinn, there with her baby boy, Cash, in her arms. Quinn was a librarian, quiet, and nearly always wearing something with a book or movie reference if she wasn’t dressed for work. Nothing about her said biker’s woman, except the fact that her husband, Ace, was rarely more than a few feet from her when he didn’t have to be.
As I approached, I saw Cash was asleep, so I kept my voice low.
“Hey.”
She looked up from the little bundle and to me with a smile. “Hi.”
I recognized that expression on her face, that complete adoration. Cash was around nine months old, Quinn and Ace’s first. I remembered how completely sunk I was with Owen from the moment they put him in my arms.
“They’re so precious at that age,” I said wistfully.
She looked back down at him, pure love in her face. “Yes, particularly when they sleep,” she joked. “Ace is setting up the room for him. He was fussy through the night, so we’re hoping he’ll get a few hours now.”
I felt a pang of envy that I’d ignored so many times before. I’d wanted more kids, planned to have them even before we had Owen. I’d soaked up those early days with him, but not as much as I might have if he’d been meant to be the only baby I’d have. I was happy for all the families that were seemingly constantly expanding around here, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t jealous of them.
“All set,” came a somewhat muffled voice, and Quinn grabbed the monitor she had face-down on the couch beside her.
“Guess it’s time to put him down properly,” she said, getting to her feet while keeping Cash as steady as possible.
I watched her go, wondering if that desire to experience it all again was going to fade with time.
You can still have more.
I sighed heavily. His voice had been coming less frequent since visiting him, but there were still times it popped in every so often. I’d been trying to ignore it, as if that would make a difference.
Hearing it—as it were—at least got me to my feet. I was stalling, avoiding finding Daz by distracting myself with baby thoughts. But Liam would be here before long, and this needed to be done.
It was easy enough to find him when I forced myself to do it. He was out in the yard, drinking a beer with Ham, easily the largest of the Disciples, as he flipped burgers on the grill. I got a chin lift—the universal hello, goodbye, acknowledgment, and just about everything else around here—from Ham as I approached, but Daz gave me his full attention.
“Can I talk to you?”
He didn’t hesitate. He polished off the last of his beer, then followed me inside, tossing it in a bin along the way. I wasn’t sure where to go, so I opted to follow a hall that separated the lounge and kitchen. Down it were two other rooms, one Stone used for his office, another that was always locked that the brothers used for members-only meetings. It seemed a decent place to do this without an audience.
“What’s up?” Daz asked, and the stomachache I’d had all day intensified.
“I need to tell you something and I’m not sure how to say it,” I rambled.
“You can tell me anything. I’m not gonna fuckin’ judge you. Just hit me with it.”
If it were anything else, I’d believe him without hesitation. Daz wasn’t perfect. He had a temper, he said whatever came out without thought to filtering it, he had a long history of being the ultimate player before he settled down with Avery, but he wasn’t judgmental. He was all about live and let live until someone messed with him or his family.
I just didn’t know if this counted toward that last in some way.
“I…” I cleared my throat, needing help getting the words out. “I’ve started seeing someone.”
“Liam,” Daz added.
My eyes widened. He’d already heard. He was definitely going to be pissed then. What did I do now?
“Katie, fucking breathe,” he ordered.
“You… you know?”
He sighed. “Yeah, I know. I don’t know if you were trying to be sneaky about it, but you’re not real good at that. First off, I’d have had to be fucking blind to not see that he’s been into you for a while, and Avery noticed the same. Second, you don’t live up in that house alone. People see things, and you know damn well how things spread around this club. Doc mentioned him taking you and Owen out to dinner weeks ago, then suddenly he’s around up at the farmhouse all the time. Doesn’t take a genius to put that together. And third, you got a boy who could talk to drywall when he’s in the mood. Owen’s mentioned the dude more times than I could count. He might not be old enough to get what’s going on there, but it’s easy enough to see what he’s missing from what he’s sharing.”
Shit. Liam was right, he was so right. I should have said something right from the start.
“I thought you might mention it when we went to Colorado,” Daz added.
“We weren’t together then.”
“But you were thinking about it,” he added what I didn’t say.
I looked away, not wanting to ow
n up to that, feeling guilty for having that be a part of visiting Joel.
“Fuck, babe, look at me.” I did and couldn’t miss the frustration on his face. His forehead creased with it the same way Joel’s had. “I’ve been waiting for you to say something rather than bringing it up myself, but I was starting to think you never would. Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“I didn’t know how,” I admitted.
He stared me down, reading what I was holding back. “Did you think I’d be upset?”
Yes.
“Maybe.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Jesus.”
“I just… Joel’s your brother—”
“Was,” he corrected, interrupting me. “He was my brother. And I fucking hate that we’ve got to say it that way now, but it’s not like I expect you to stop living because he’s gone. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for years. We have to keep on because he’d be fucking pissed if we didn’t.”
My throat was tight. His face grew fuzzy as my eyes started to burn. “This is different.”
“It’s not,” he stressed. “It’s all a part of it. Is it weird to think of you with someone else? Yeah, it is. I’m not going to lie about that. You guys were together so long, that’s what felt normal. But that normal we knew went out the fucking window three years ago, now we just have to get used to this new one, whatever the hell it is.”
“It feels like a betrayal,” I confessed, saying the words that had been in my head for the last few months out loud for the first time.
“Christ, Kate.” He pulled me in for a hug, and I lost my hold on the tears. “You need to learn to give yourself a fucking break.”
I cried into his chest, sick and tired of ending up a mess like this. Maybe he was right.
“At the risk of sounding like a fucking soap opera, I’m gonna say this,” he said, still holding me steady. “I always liked you and Joel together. You two were good for each other, in a way I don’t think I even fully appreciated until I had Avery and felt that shit for myself. I’m glad he had a chance to have that in the time he had. But you’ve got a lot of time still, and you don’t deserve for that to all just be in the shadow of losing him. You need to live it, and if part of that is falling in love with someone else.” I froze, every bit of me. “Then that’s a fucking good thing.”
Love?
No.
“ I love you, Katie. Always will. Don’t you ever forget that.”
“I love you, too.”
“Just me.”
God, he was so cocky. The grin on his face was hard to resist, though.
“Yes, you ass. Just you.”
Just him.
Just Joel.
“No,” I whispered. I shifted out of Daz’s hold.
His eyebrows pulled down. “What’s wrong?”
I started shaking my head.
“Are you kidding me right now?” I snapped.
Joel didn’t look any less pissed. “He wants what’s mine. I’m not going to just sit by and watch that shit.”
“What does it matter? I couldn’t be less interested. I’m not going to quit my job because he hasn’t taken the hint yet.”
“I don’t fucking like it,” he grunted back at me, like that was somehow a valid argument to him acting like a child.
“Joel, I’m yours. I’ve been yours since we were sixteen. I’ll be yours if I live to be a hundred and sixteen. What does it matter if some idiot is too dumb to see that?”
I’d promised him that. I’d made that promise again and again.
I love him. Only him.
“No,” I repeated.
“Kate, focus on me,” Daz demanded.
I did, even as my mind reeled with that word.
Love.
Love.
Love.
“Joel, that’s my name.”
“Yup.”
I stared at the black ink, thinking maybe it was just a marker. He was just fucking with me. But how did he get the skin around all the edges to redden like that? There was swelling, too.
“You got a tattoo of my name.”
I had to say it out loud because it seemed too crazy to be true.
“Yup.”
“That’s permanent.”
He raised an eyebrow, then looked down at himself, the other tattoos all over his arms and torso. “I’m aware.”
“But those aren’t my name!”
“We’ve been together for eight years. We’re married. And now you’re carrying my baby.”
Copying his own move, I looked down at my rings and my stomach. “I’m aware,” I sassed.
He grinned and shook his head. “Why is a tattoo a big deal?”
“I don’t know.”
“We’re forever, right?”
“Of course.”
He smiled big at that. Of course we were.
“Then your name is right there, forever. And our babies’ will go right under it.”
Forever.
“I can’t. I…I…”
“Deep breaths. Talk to me,” he tried to coach.
I took two shaking breaths. In, 1, 2, 3. Out, 1, 2, 3.
It didn’t calm me at all.
“I don’t love him. I can’t. I won’t. I love Joel. I promised. I told him it was just him. It has to be just him.” Forever.
“Kate,” Daz started, but I turned away.
I had to get out of there. I couldn’t deal with this. I couldn’t…
I stopped dead.
Because Liam was there, at the end of the hall.
And I knew he’d heard everything.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Liam
“I don’t love him. I can’t. I won’t.”
I came earlier than we’d planned. Kate had been nervous about talking to Daz, and she hadn’t hidden it very well. I wanted to be there for her. Even though I was confident he’d be cool about it, I knew just having the discussion was going to be a strain for her. When it was done, I wanted to be there for her.
Instead, I’d wandered up to hear her say that being with me felt like a betrayal.
I’d heard her sink into her head when Daz told her it was okay to move on and love someone else.
I’d heard her say those words that I felt like a fucking knife through the heart.
“I don’t love him.”
I looked into her eyes. They were big, red, and wet with tears. I’d seen them that way too many times. It was a different experience feeling like I’d caused it.
“Lee,” she whispered, her voice broken.
Intentional or not, I’d played a part in that, in the fact that she looked completely shattered as she stood before me.
I’d pushed.
I’d told myself I wasn’t going to push, and I’d done it anyway. It had been gentle, but not enough to keep her from that place. I should have left her alone.
Even if part of me had known from the start that I was going to fall in love with her.
“I can’t.”
Maybe she was right. Maybe she was just too scared to try.
It didn’t matter.
“I’m sorry.”
She blinked. Once. Twice. Her mouth opened to speak, but she didn’t say anything, just stood there.
“I knew from the start that this might be where we ended up.” Her head started to shake a little. She didn’t want to hurt me, I knew that. This had to happen, though. “I told myself not to go after you at all, to just leave you alone. You’d been through enough, and trying to push you into more than you were ready for wasn’t fair.”
“Lee… I…”
“I won’t.”
I shook my head, and she closed her mouth. I wanted to kiss her. Fuck, I wanted it more than my next breath.
I wanted a lot of things I couldn’t have.
Or maybe it was just one thing.
“But I couldn’t resist you,” I went on. “I was a lost cause from the start. So I decided if all I did was lay my cards on the table a
nd let you make the choice, I’d still be doing right by you. I just had to be happy with whatever you wanted.”
I looked at her standing there. I heard those words again and again. This isn’t what she wanted.
Suddenly, I remembered that first day she came into Sailor’s Grave, the conversation I’d had with Jess.
“Look, I know I’ve given you a lot of shit about your thing for her, but have you really thought about this? I remember when they lost him. She was a fucking wreck for a long time. And honestly, I have my doubts that she’s come that far from that. I worry—”
I cut in there. “I know. I know there’s no chance. I’m not expecting anything different.”
“I’m not saying that. Maybe she will be ready to move on, and you’re an ass, but you’d be a good guy for her to do that with. I just don’t want you to…” She shrugged.
“Latch on way too soon and get my heart pulverized?” I provided.
“Kinda.”
“Trust me, I know all of that. I can’t say I’m not feeling a shit ton of pull her way, but I’m not going to get attached unless there’s something concrete to attach to.”
There I was, my heart a pile of fucking dust.
And worse, it’d destroyed Kate in the process.
“I fucked up. I let the fact that I was falling in love with you distract me and make me selfish. That night you came to me, I knew deep down you weren’t ready, but everything I wanted was right in front of me, and I wasn’t strong enough to say no.”
She took a step toward me. The single step I took back nearly killed me right then and there.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated, hoping she understood that I meant that down to my soul. For everything I’d already done, and for what I had to do right then.
She let out a sob, her hand coming up to cover her mouth.
Her left hand.
The one that still had his rings on it.
“I love Joel. I promised. I told him it was just him. It has to be just him.”
I hoped someday, for her sake, that wasn’t true. I hoped she found a way to let go.