it's a tough mission and it's dangerous as all hell,but somebody's got to do it, and I'm afraid you're the only qualifiedman."
"I like my first suggestion better. Bomb the trailmen--and theHellers--right off the planet." Jay's face was set in lines of loathing,which he controlled after a minute, and said, "I--I didn't mean that.Theoretically I can see the necessity, only--" he stopped and swallowed.
"Please say what you were going to say."
"I wonder if I am as well qualified as you think? No--don't interrupt--Ifind the natives of Darkover distasteful, even the humans. As for thetrailmen--"
(I was getting mad and impatient. I whispered to Forth in the darkness,"Shut the damn film off! You couldn't send _that_ guy on an errand like_that_! I'd rather--"
(Forth snapped, "Shut up and listen!"
(I shut up and the film continued to repeat.)
* * * * *
Jay Allison was not acting. He was pained and disgusted. Forth wouldn'tlet him finish his explanation of why he had refused even to teach inthe Medical college established for Darkovans by the Terran empire. Heinterrupted, and he sounded irritated.
"We know all that. It evidently never occurred to you, Jay, that it's aninconvenience to us--that all this vital knowledge should lie, purely byaccident, in the hands of the one man who's too damned stubborn to useit?"
Jay didn't move an eyelash, where I would have squirmed, "I have alwaysbeen aware of that, Doctor."
Forth drew a long breath. "I'll concede you're not suitable at themoment, Jay. But what do you know of applied psychodynamics?"
"Very little, I'm sorry to say." Allison didn't sound sorry, though. Hesounded bored to death with the whole conversation.
"May I be blunt--and personal?"
"Please do. I'm not at all sensitive."
"Basically, then, Doctor Allison, a person as contained and repressed asyourself usually has a clearly defined subsidiary personality. Inneurotic individuals this complex of personality traits sometimes splitsoff, and we get a syndrome known as multiple, or alternate personality."
"I've scanned a few of the classic cases. Wasn't there a woman with fourseparate personalities?"
"Exactly. However, you aren't neurotic, and ordinarily there would notbe the slightest chance of your repressed alternate taking over yourpersonality."
"Thank you," Jay murmured ironically, "I'd be losing sleep over that."
"Nevertheless I presume you _do_ have such a subsidiary personality,although he would normally never manifest. This subsidiary--let's callhim Jay_{2}--would embody all the characteristics which you repress. Hewould be gregarious, where you are retiring and studious; adventurouswhere you are cautious; talkative while you are taciturn; he wouldperhaps enjoy action for its own sake, while you exercise faithfully inthe gymnasium only for your health's sake; and he might even rememberthe trailmen with pleasure rather than dislike."
"In short--a blend of all the undesirable characteristics?"
"One could put it that way. Certainly he would be a blend of all thecharacteristics which you, Jay_{1}, _consider_ undesirable. But--ifreleased by hypnotism and suggestion, he might be suitable for the jobin hand."
"But how do you know I actually have such an--alternate?"
"I don't. But it's a good guess. Most repressed--" Forth coughed andamended, "most _disciplined_ personalities possess such a suppressedsecondary personality. Don't you occasionally--rather rarely--findyourself doing things which are entirely out of character for you?"
I could almost feel Allison taking it in, as he confessed, "Well--yes.For instance--the other day--although I dress conservatively at alltimes--" he glanced at his uniform coat, "I found myself buying--" hestopped again and his face went an unlovely terra-cotta color as hefinally mumbled, "a flowered red sports shirt."
Sitting in the dark I felt vaguely sorry for the poor gawk, disturbedby, ashamed of the only human impulses he ever had. On the screenAllison frowned fiercely, "A crazy impulse."
"You could say that, or say it was an action of the suppressed Jay_{2}.How about it, Allison? You may be the only Terran on Darkover, maybe theonly human, who could get into a trailman's Nest without beingmurdered."
"Sir--as a citizen of the Empire, I don't have any choice, do I?"
"Jay, look," Forth said, and I felt him trying to reach through thebarricade and touch, really touch that cold contained young man, "wecouldn't _order_ any man to do anything like this. Aside from theordinary dangers, it could destroy your personal balance, maybepermanently. I'm asking you to volunteer something above and beyond thecall of duty. Man to man--what do you say?"
I would have been moved by his words. Even at secondhand I was moved bythem. Jay Allison looked at the floor, and I saw him twist his longwell-kept surgeon's hands and crack the knuckles with an odd gesture.Finally he said, "I haven't any choice either way, Doctor. I'll take thechance. I'll go to the trailmen."
* * * * *
The screen went dark again and Forth flicked the light on. He said,"Well?"
I gave it back, in his own intonation, "Well?" and was exasperated tofind that I was twisting my own knuckles in the nervous gesture ofAllison's painful decision. I jerked them apart and got up.
"I suppose it didn't work, with that cold fish, and you decided to cometo me instead? Sure, _I'll_ go to the trailmen for you. Not with thatAllison--I wouldn't go anywhere with that guy--but I speak thetrailmen's language, and without hypnosis either."
Forth was staring at me. "So you've remembered that?"
"Hell, yes," I said, "my dad crashed in the Hellers, and a band oftrailmen found me, half dead. I lived there until I was about fifteen,then their Old-One decided I was too human for them, and they took meout through Dammerung Pass and arranged to have me brought here. Sure,it's all coming back now. I spent five years in the Spacemen'sOrphanage, then I went to work taking Terran tourists on hunting partiesand so on, because I liked being around the mountains. I--" I stopped.Forth was staring at me.
"You think you'd like this job?"
"It would be tough," I said, considering. "The People of the Sky--"(using the trailmen's name for themselves) "--don't like outsiders, butthey might be persuaded. The worst part would be getting there. Theplane, or the 'copter, isn't built that can get through the crosswindsaround the Hellers and land inside them. We'd have to go on foot, allthe way from Carthon. I'd need professional climbers--mountaineers."
"Then you don't share Allison's attitude?"
"Dammit, don't insult me!" I discovered that I was on my feet again,pacing the office restlessly. Forth stared and mused aloud, "What'spersonality anyway? A mask of emotions, superimposed on the body and theintellect. Change the point of view, change the emotions and desires,and even with the same body and the same past experiences, you have anew man."
I swung round in mid-step. A new and terrible suspicion, too monstrousto name, was creeping up on me. Forth touched a button and the face ofJay Allison, immobile, appeared on the visionscreen. Forth put a mirrorin my hand. He said, "Jason Allison, look at yourself."
I looked.
"No," I said. And again, "No. No. No."
* * * * *
Forth didn't argue. He pointed, with a stubby finger. "Look--" he movedthe finger as he spoke, "height of forehead. Set of cheekbones. Youreyebrows look different, and your mouth, because the expression isdifferent. But bony structure--the nose, the chin--"
I heard myself make a queer sound; dashed the mirror to the floor. Hegrabbed my forearm. "Steady, man!"
I found a scrap of my voice. It didn't sound like Allison's. "ThenI'm--Jay_{2}? Jay Allison with amnesia?"
"Not exactly." Forth mopped his forehead with an immaculate sleeve andit came away damp with sweat, "No--_not_ Jay Allison as I know him!" Hedrew a long breath. "And sit down. Whoever you are, sit _down_!"
I sat. Gingerly. Not sure.
"But the man Jay might have been, given a different tempe
ramental bias.I'd say--the man Jay Allison started out to be. The man he _refused_ tobe. Within his subconscious, he built up barriers against a whole seriesof memories, and the subliminal threshold--"
"Doc, I don't understand the psycho talk."
Forth stared. "And you do remember the trailmen's language. I thoughtso. Allison's personality is suppressed in you, as yours
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