by Marc Behm
Copyright
Copyright © 1991 by Marc Behm
All rights reserved.
Bibliographical Note
This Dover edition, first published in 2019, is an unabridged republication of the work originally printed by No Exit Press, Harpenden, England, in 2000.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Behm, Marc, author.
Title: Afraid to death / Marc Behm.
Description: Mineola, New York : Dover Publications, Inc., 2019. | "This
Dover edition, first published in 2019, is an unabridged republication of
the work originally printed by No Exit Press, Harpenden, England, in 2000."
Identifiers: LCCN 2018039370| ISBN 9780486827575 | ISBN 0486827577 Subjects: LCSH: Antiheroes—Fiction.
Classification: LCC PS3552.E38 A69 2019 | DDC 813/.54—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018039370
Manufactured in the United States by LSC Communications
82757701 2019
www.doverpublications.com
Life was brought to us by some unknown force; we don’t know where it came from, or why …
Solzhenitsyn
Contents
Dedication
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
Also published by Dover Publications
1
About the Author
1
He never knew when she was coming, that’s why he had to pay close attention to all the omens. Otherwise she would take him by surprise.
This morning, for instance, in Indianapolis.
He was playing cards all night with Maxie Hearn and two guys who made TV commercials. They were in Maxie’s penthouse on top of a building on English Avenue. He won twenty-six thousand dollars.
The sun was rising when he showed them his last hand. A king, two aces and two eights.
‘Hey!’ Maxie said. ‘Bad news!’
‘What?’
‘A pair of eights and a pair of aces. You know what that means?’
‘No.’
‘They call it a deadman’s hand.’
That was all the warning he needed. He got out of there. Fast.
He got off the elevator on the third floor and went down the service stairs to the back exit. He was trembling, sweaty, his lips were chalky, there were black dots swirling all over the walls. The old familiar symptoms of pure funk.
He cut through an alley, hid behind a tree.
She was there!
Sitting on a bench on English Avenue, watching the apartment entranceway.
He ran back through the alley to Prospect Street.
He didn’t bother to go to his hotel. There was nothing there worth keeping. Christ! How many neckties had he left behind in how many hotel rooms in how many cities? How many books, cigars, jackets, extra pairs of shoes, toothbrushes …?
He had a getaway valise in a locker at the bus terminal. He took a Greyhound to Lebanon, another to Crawfordville, another to Lafayette.
Once, years and years ago, he’d written a song about his many narrow escapes.
Ho! ho! ho! ho!
Just go Joe go go go!
She’ll get you if you go too slow!
Not much of a song. Not much to ho! ho! about. But it was better than a requiem.
It was raining in Lafayette.
That night he flew to San Francisco. She wasn’t on the plane, thank God!
2
Joe met her for the first time when he was eleven years old. On Greenwood Avenue.
That was the year they bought the big house by the lake. His father was a professor of Musicology at the University. He was writing a book on Brahms. Mom worked for Hillcrest Realtors. She drove a scarlet Ferrari 328 GTS.
Joe bought an old canoe for eighteen dollars. The guy at the boatyard said it was a genuine Seneca imitation. He’d paddle it across the lake every morning to Dire Point and leave it there under the wharf of one of the summer cottages. Then he’d walk to school, past the chapel and the country club and along Greenwood Avenue to Washington Boulevard.
This morning she was in the middle of the block, standing under a tree beside a mailbox. She was blond, wearing a black raincoat, black boots and a black beret.
She smiled at him. They were all alone on the long, green, sunny avenue, just the two of them.
She had purple eyes.
‘Good morning,’ she said in a voice from Somewhere Else. Maybe South America. Or Asia. Or Canada.
‘What’s your name?’
‘Joe Egan.’
‘You’re Professor Egan’s son?’
‘Yes, ma’am.’
Enormous eyes! He could see himself reflected in the purple.
‘I heard him conduct Brahms’ Ein Deutsches Requiem last year at Yale. It was magnificent.’
‘I know all the words by heart.’
‘You do? All of them? Do you speak German?’
‘Nope. I learnt the phonetics.’
‘Denn dies Fleisch est ist wie Cras,’ she sang softly, ‘und alle herrlichkeit wie des Grases Blumen.’
‘Das Gras is verdorret,’ he sang, ‘und die blume abgefallen.’
‘Do you know what it means?’
‘Nope.’
‘“Behold, all flesh is as grass … and lo the grass withers and the flower decays.”’ She stared at him, drowning him in her eyes. Eyes like the lake, like the sky in the lake. ‘Where does Mr. Morgan live, Joe?’ Like the sun, deep deep in the lake.
‘Over there,’ he pointed to Morgan’s house. ‘He’s sick.’
‘Yes, I am aware of that. Thank you. I’ll see you around.’
She crossed the street, humming the Requiem.
Coming back from school that afternoon at four o’clock, he saw a wreath on the front door of Morgan’s house.
3
‘Morgan died this morning,’ Mom said.
His father was shocked. ‘But I thought he was up and around! I saw him in his back yard yesterday! He was hanging laundry on the god-damn clothesline!’
‘According to Peggy-Sue, he was watching television when somebody rang the doorbell. And he just slumped to the floor. Bingo.’
Mr. Morgan was a riding instructor at the Equestrian Academy. He fell off his horse in the woods last month and broke something. Everybody said he was drunk.
‘Who rang the doorbell?’ Joe asked.
‘I don’t know.’
He thought about it all that sleepless night and most of the next day and finally decided that he was just being spooky. Mr. Morgan’s death and the blond girl’s purple eyes and the Requiem were nothing but what Dad called contrapuntal. ‘Communism and Nazism are contrapuntal,’ he’d say. ‘Just like Laurel and Hardy.’ Joe wasn’t sure what he was talking about, but he loved the word and used it whenever he had a chance.
Bridge was almost as impossible as algebra. He decided to memorize the book from cover to cover. It took him a year to master all the rules and diagrams. By the time he was thirteen he was an honorary member of Mom’s Thursday afternoon bridge club. And along the way he picked up canasta, gin rummy, cribbage and pinocle.
Dad taught him how to play poker.
Then she came back.
It was on Valentine’s Day. He paddled his Seneca canoe all the way to the Isle on the lake’s far western end.
The Isle was a dismal place, filled with dangerous bogs and watersnakes lying on logs. But on a hump-back in its center was a square of broken stone columns and paved paths going nowhere. And a sundial on a pedestal. And a granite slab!
Ugh!
He was sure that long ago, even before Time, little boys and girls were sacrificed here. Warlocks in masks chopped them up with hatchets and pulled out their livers and fed them to the snakes. He called it the Temple of Cadenza. (That was another of Dad’s favorite words; he was always raving about Wilhelm Kempff’s and Robert Casadesus’ cadenzas.) But the truth of the matter was that Cadenza was a merciless subterranean god, bloodier than Dracula, who devoured kids’ bones when they were still alive. And backwards his name spelled aznedac, which, in the Ancient Language, meant ‘split down the middle.’
He’d only been here once before. That had been when he discovered Benton, the history professor, blowing a quarterback named Speed Evans.
Joe made up his mind once and for all – when he was about ten – that he was a DOS. Discoverer of Secrets. It was a gift, like ESR. You either had to keep your cool and accept it, or fuck all.
Rule No. 1: DTN. Don’t Tell Nobody.
He never blabbed about Benton and Speed Evans. Then he found out that owlfaced old Madam Manner, the General’s widow, snorted coke. Her chauffeur, Nat, bought the stuff for her from a pusher in one of the frat houses. He never mentioned that to anyone either. He also knew that Professor Jarvis’s wife, Lil, was making it with a fireman in East Elm. And that Dr. Robert’s nurse and Morgan’s niece, Peggy-Sue ditto. And that Dr. Robert and the same nurse ditto. And that Nellie Jarman, the Dean’s daughter, stole nailpolish from the drugstore and Shakespeare albums from the record shop.
He knew something else about Nellie too, so Top Secret it was sacred. One afternoon, while Maurice Evans recited Hamlet’s soliloquies on her phono, they’d taken off all their clothes and examined each other’s nakedness. She had been astounded to discover that it looked like a pencil and he’d been just as impressed by her lacking one. She’d made him kiss her there, then cried and let him rub against her. Wow! That had been super-nifty! They’d eaten a whole box of Mr. Goodbars she’d stolen from the market that afternoon. After that they used to meet in a boathouse on Dire Cove. He taught her how to play poker.
Mom and Dad didn’t know anything about these goings on. They were as innocent as Hansel and Gretel.
Anyway …
There was nothing happening on the Isle today. He ate a couple of apples and cleaned the sundial and pulled weeds and vines out of the pathways. He read ‘The Raven’ by Edgar Allen Poe, then memorized it. He carved his initials on a column: JE. He was named after his Uncle Joe, who’d been a fighter pilot with the 8th Air Force in WW2. His Lightning was shot down over Metz in 1944.
That was another secret he was a Discoverer Of. Miss Emma, the head librarian, told him that Uncle Joe was the father of her son, Nat. She made him swear not to repeat this fact to a living soul.
So Nat was his cousin. And Mom’s nephew. And Madam Manner’s chauffeur. Ha ha! Who would believe that?
At four o’clock he paddled back across the lake.
And he saw her!
She was standing on the shore of the inlet behind the house, throwing pebbles in the water. All in black. With a black scarf tied around her bright blond hair.
She waved to him.
He steered the canoe into the rushes under the heavy willows. Nobody could get him there. He waited an hour. When he came ashore she was gone.
Madam Manners and Lil Jarvis were whispering on the front porch. Professor Jarvis was in the living room, telephoning.
His father was sitting in the kitchen, sobbing like a madman.
‘Mom, Joe … Mom …’ he was making awful noises. ‘Her Ferrari went into the river …’
4
By Christmas Dad had stopped sobbing. He conducted a New Year’s concert at Harvard and that summer finished his book on Brahms. He moved out of the bedroom into the guest room. Then he began meeting one of his students in a motel in Cooperstown.
Nobody knew this but Joe, thanks to his DOS talents. But he didn’t give a rat’s ass. He had other things to think about – studying maps, charting an escape route, preparing hiding places, saving his money, doing pushups to keep in shape.
If she came again, he knew exactly what he was going to do. His knapsack was ready, packed with provisions. He’d take the canoe over to the lake’s western end, not to the Isle … oh, no! She’d expect him to stay there, hiding like a cornered rat. She’d come ashore, laughing at him. Joe! Come out come out wherever you are! No way! He’d just keep going, paddling into the mouth of the river, then on upstream deep in the woods. He’d spend the night there, sleeping in a tree. The next day he’d hike cross-country, quick-time, to Fairoaks … not to South Fairoaks, oh, no, which was closest, but to North Fairoaks, two miles farther on. But then she’d be searching the woods for him, gibbering with rage, looking for his spoor. But he’d be long gone. At Fairoaks, he’d catch a local train to Kentville and …
Yeah, then what?
He couldn’t figure out where to go next. Not that it mattered. He’d play it by ear. Wander around for a week or so, lying low. Then come home. She couldn’t hang around here forever. She had a busy schedule and had to keep moving on. No? She’d probably just put him on the back burner for a while. And by the time she showed up again, he’d have something else worked out. The main thing was to keep dodging her.
Yeah. But how long could he do that? What a fucking nightmare!
‘What’s the matter with you?’ Dad asked. ‘You’re always mumbling to yourself. And why do you keep looking out the window? She won’t come back.’
Joe jumped. What did he mean by that? ‘Who?’ Did he know something? ‘Who won’t be coming back?’
‘Mom.’
‘Oh.’
‘Remember what Claudius told Hamlet. “Your mother lost a mother and that mother lost hers. Obsequious sorrow is obstinate stubbornness.”’
‘Hamlet didn’t lose his mother.’
‘C’est égal. His mother and father were contrapuntal. I want you to have a talk with Father Patrick. Maybe he can do something for you. Help you to get through this ordeal.’
So Joe began going to Mass every Sunday.
Then came the clipboard caper.
As usual, Dad was in Cooperstown, shaking up with his girlfriend. (Another DOS bit: she was making it on the side with a senior named – ugh! – Porky.) It was raining. Joe couldn’t sleep.
He decided to jerk off. There was a recent photo of Catherine Deneuve in Life magazine. Just her face. But that was enough. His imagination could invent the rest of her. She was his favorite actress. He rented all her cassettes – Belle de jour – wow! Just watching her and listening to her was like yike! What a goddess!
He gazed at her and pulled out his dong. But he couldn’t get it up. She wasn’t the same. Nope. Her nose was different … and her cheeks … Maybe she’d had a lift job.
Besides, he didn’t feel like it.
He drank what was left in a bottle of Black Label. His father often did that and always ended up snoring.
Yeah, everything had changed. The lake used to be beautiful. Now it was a cold purple tomb. Ferraris had turned ugly. He was afraid to walk along Greenwood Avenue. Now he took the bus to school, like
a nerd in a TV movie. And his dong was shriveled up. Catherine Deneuve was somebody else. And the nights were scary … scary … scary …
The next thing he knew he was on the campus, vomiting and rolling in the grass. They put him in an ambulance and took him to the kids’ hospital in Cooperstown.
They pumped out his guts and dumped him in a ward with a dozen other teens. One guy’s legs were hanging on ropes. Another had tubes sticking out of his mouth, as if he’d swallowed an octopus. The shithead in the bed next to him was wrapped in bandages like The Curse of the Mummy.
What a festival of basketcases! It was worse than a sacrifice to Candenza.
But misery brought him a hiatus of peace and he finally slept.
He woke at dawn. Beside him, the Mummy was wheezing loudly. He sounded like a clarinet. What was he saying? Lookout lookout lookout…
She was there!
He saw her the moment his eyes opened, standing in the gray haze at the far end of the ward.
His escape plans collapsed in ruins and he just gaped at her. She walked to the first bed in the row and read the name on the clipboard.
He slipped out from under the covers, dropped to the floor, moved cautiously to the foot of his bed. He unhooked his clipboard, carried it over to the Mummy’s bed. He didn’t believe for one minute that he’d get away, but he couldn’t think of anything else to do. She had him in a dead-end and there was nowhere to run.
She was in the middle of the ward now, reading all the names.
He took down the Mummy’s board, hung his own in its place. He brought the other board back to his bed, hooked it up, then slid quickly under the covers.
His ears were buzzing. A whole beehive of bright white dots was flying around his head. He prayed. Hail, Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy, our life and our hope. To thee we cry, poor banished children of Eve …
Play dead … fake it … don’t move … he was Lieutenant Joe Egan, Troop C. 117 Cavalry … he’d ridden into an ambush in Cooperstown Canyon … all his troopers were lying around him deader than shit … the Apaches were prowling through the corpses to see if any of them were still alive to tortue, torter … tort … torture … fake it … fake it …
She was two beds away, reading the Leg’s name … then the Octopus Swallower’s … now his … to thee we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears …