by Bloom, Anna
I block the memories of those days and wait to see if Eli answers. He doesn’t until I’m walking down the Brompton Road.
No shellfish!
I can’t help but laugh. What exactly have you been reading?
His answer fires back. Everything.
Shaking my head, I drop my phone into my bag and push through the door of the Chinese restaurant. Blue eyes stare at me and my heart booms in my chest. My knees knock a little as I walk towards him, another deep wave of emotion pulling me out to a sea of darkness. “What are you doing here?”
The blues twinkle and it feels like forever since I saw them do that, but it could have just been days. “I thought I was invited.”
“But, what about work, and the case?”
He shrugs. “Right now, you are my priority.”
My heart pounds faster. “That’s not right, and you know it.”
His fingers tilt my chin, his eyes inspecting my face. “It’s the way it is.” He drops his hand and grins. “And also, I’m on shellfish watch.”
“Shh.” I glance about me, but Tabitha and Jeremy haven’t arrived; either that or they are under the table.
“What?”
“I don’t want anyone to know until we know what’s going on.”
“So, you haven’t told anyone; no one at all?” He raises an eyebrow and I groan.
“Abi is such a goddamn blabbermouth.”
Laughing, he pulls me in and kisses the top of my head. “I’m glad she is, otherwise I’d have no clue what’s going on in that head of yours.”
“What did she say?” I narrow my gaze, but he looks as innocent as an angel, smirking with shining eyes.
“That I had to keep you talking.”
“Hmm.”
“Which I fully plan to.” He pulls out a chair next to the one he was sitting on and I slip into the seat. “So, we aren’t telling anyone?” he asks.
“No, until we know.”
That smile flashes again. “Whether lentils are our thing?”
“It just seems sensible, doesn’t it?”
“Sure.” He nods but I’m not blind, I can see the flash of hurt in his eyes. He’s excited and he’s wondering why the hell I’m not excited, too.
The door to the restaurant opens and Tabs walks in, her hands rubbing together from the chill in the air. The summer heat of Bowsley feels like a lifetime ago. “Hey,” she says, and then starts to cry.
Soggy prawn crackers it is.
Jeez, I need to rein in my inner bitch.
“Bloody hell, what’s wrong?” The excitement lighting Eli’s face just moments before evaporates.
I know what the answer is before she snots out. “Lewis called it a day.”
Eli throws a desperate glance in my direction and I step up and give her a hug. “It’s okay, Tabs. He’s just going through a lot this week.”
She shakes her head. “It’s not the case. He says he’s just not ready; that it’s all too much. That he should be having fun with his friends, not be tied down.”
Oh.
She shakes her head and wipes at her face. Eli, the bloody wimp, retreats to the other side of the table from the emotional volcano which is about to erupt. “I might as well go back to Mum and Bowsley; I’ve got nothing here in London.”
“Well, that’s rubbish.” I push her down in a chair as we are causing a bit of a scene right in the middle of the restaurant. “What would you even have if you went back there? You’ve come too far to go back now.” I can’t help but find Eli’s gaze. We’ve all come too far to turn back now.
She pulls herself together as Jeremy comes in and Eli orders Sake for the table. I have just a sparkling water.
Bloody sparkling water.
We walk home holding hands, our arms swinging gently between us. “It’s nice to spend some time with you,” I say, casting my gaze in his direction.
“I know, I’m sorry. My hours are so crazy when I’m in court.”
“I get it. How did it go today?” His shoulders tighten and straighten, his fingers clasping mine.
“Hard.”
“The liaison officer called me today.”
It’s his turn to cast a side-eye in my direction. “Yeah?” I know he’s keeping his tone purposefully light. “What did she say?”
“That the investigation is ongoing; they are gathering evidence and she thinks I should talk to someone.”
“Do you think you should talk to someone?”
I roll my eyes. “Hell, no. Listen, I went to the police, I said my bit and Aiden will pay for what he did. I have full faith in that, but I don’t need to talk about it, or spill my guts.”
“I know you are going to be furious with me, Faith.” His eyes sweep over my face, reading me in the moonlight. “But I know you won’t let me help you, and I know you still aren’t talking to me about everything, and as frustrating as that is, I’m trying to be understanding.” He hesitates, which is so unlike him it can only send up red flags.
“Spit it out, Eli.” I sigh.
“I’ve spoken to Fitzpatrick; he’s going to take your case.”
“You’ve done what?” I stop walking and round into his space. “You had no permission to do that.”
“I want the best for you.” He steps right up to me, toe to toe. “So, I’ll give you the best.”
“Like you’ll pay for a private scan to find out about this baby thing?”
He stares at me blankly for a moment. “This baby thing? Is that what it is to you? One of the most exciting things that’s ever happened to me and you are calling it a baby thing?”
He pushes a hand through his hair, his whole body roiling with anger. It reminds me of how he looked on the pier in Brighton the night he told me he didn’t know how to fight for me anymore, for us.
A tight grip squeezes my chest as though my lungs are collapsing.
“Everything feels unreal, Eli.” My voice breaks on his name and I watch as he fights the doubts he has in his mind. I know what those doubts are, doubts about me, how committed I am. “I’m trying to be excited. Trying to believe it, but it’s hard. I’ve spent my whole life keeping people out, fighting to stay within the safety of my rules and now here I am, and I can no longer keep someone out because they are inside me.” My words rush, falling out of my mouth like water over a waterfall. “Now I can’t keep them out, and what if I can’t protect them, or help them? What if I can’t feel anything for them because you are the single only person I have ever loved?”
His shoulders slump, his hands palm up. “And you are the only person I’ve ever loved. I can’t but believe that anything that’s a part you and a part of me, I am going to be so wild over, it won’t be anything less than one-hundred-percent love at first sight.”
A tear slips down my cheek and I dig down deep for one unspoken fear. “What if I’m like my own mother and just not meant to be one? I can’t do that to you, and I can’t do it to whatever this is?”
“Then I will help you fight, help you be the person you want to be.”
I want to be happy. I want to be secure and rooted into place, no longer feeling the desire to run. The only way to do that is to fight. Fight so damn hard for the things I want, the life I want. It’s the promise I made myself.
Fight, Faith.
“Let’s get a scan,” I whisper the words, not allowing myself to get swept away on a tide of panic. “Then we will know if lentils are things.”
The smile on his face warms my insides, spreading all the way through me until I’m smiling too.
I can do this.
Eli. Lentils. Fighting. TV shows. Degrees. Everything.
I can do it all.
Even love.
Fourteen
“Wakey wakey.”
I groan and fling my hand over my head.
“You can’t make me,” I grumble.
Fingers trail up my thigh, dancing a sensitive pattern across my skin. He can wake me up. I lower my arm and glare, but he’s got a
stupid grin on his face. “Ah, Faith, you are awake.”
I stretch towards his touch, my body running with warmth, my toes pointing as I move myself so his fingers slip where I want them. He doesn’t disappoint, his lips grazing mine as his hand dips between my thighs.
I could wake up like this every day.
I sigh as pleasurable waves flow through me while Eli’s fingers massage a lazy rotation on my clit. His other hand runs across my breasts, teasing my nipples into standing to attention. There is nothing I enjoy more than a lazy Saturday morning with this man. Leaning down, he sucks one pebbled nipple into his mouth, pulling it between his teeth and flicking it with the tip of his tongue. “Oh,” I sigh and arch my back.
Between my legs a pool of wetness allows his fingers to slip inside me and I’m torn between wanting him to fill me up and the desire for his fingers to just gently massage me into a satisfying sleep orgasm. Spreading my legs, I relax and close my eyes, allowing him to take me anyway he wants.
He shifts himself over, pushing at my knees so I’m wide and exposed, then slowly he fills me up and I groan loudly, lifting my hands above my head, still keeping my eyes shut so every sensation is unexpected and heightened.
Fuck, I love him being inside me.
He pushes in deep, rotating his hips, setting up a deep and toes-pointing rhythm that makes little waves of pleasure roll all over my skin. We are silent, just together in the moment, both of us breathing and losing ourselves. He pulls on my hair, tilting my chin upwards and planting his mouth on mine. Hot and sweeping, his tongue teases mine. Without words we rock each other to an orgasm. Mine comes in warm waves, licking along my insides; his ends with a shuddering groan as he lifts me into his arms and holds me tight.
“I love you.” He kisses my ear.
“And I love you.”
“Can I get you anything? Sweet tea? One of Miss Beesley’s biscuits?”
I blink open my eyes and meet his bright gaze. “No, I’m fine.”
“I’m worried. You are eating even less than usual.”
“You can tell that to your baby. It’s making all food look like it’s been created by the devil.” That little flicker of a smile that lights his face is the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.
“I’ll take it up as a matter of urgency.” Shifting himself lower he rests his head on my tummy. Not that there is anything to feel, see, or hear, but he palms his hand flat against the space below my belly button and just pauses for a moment. “Are you nervous about today?” He pecks a kiss on my stomach and then lifts onto his elbow to meet my eyes.
“Yes. You?”
It’s been days since the Chinese and our honest conversation on the Old Brompton Road. Melanie’s case is over, the jury out to deliberate. Eli has done his part, although when he walked through the door last night, the expression on his face told me he was beaten and defeated. I can’t bring myself to believe it though, can’t believe his doubts are real. Surely justice will prevail?
“It will be fine.”
“And you’ve had ultrasounds before?” I raise an eyebrow.
“No. Don’t be facetious.”
“Oooh, such big words for a Saturday morning.” Chuckling, I grab his arm and pull him back up so he’s level with me once again. “You know I only understand small words.”
“Rubbish.” He lies down and links his hand behind his head, and I wiggle over and rest my head on his chest, listening for the reassuring thump of his heart beneath my ear.
“Appointment is at ten, we should get up,” I say with no intention of standing up. I’ve discovered the last few days that if I lay down, I’m kinda alright. The moment I’m up and moving, my stomach thinks it’s on a rollercoaster, which resulted in some rather embarrassing gagging in lectures yesterday. Then I had to leave the practical lesson because the stench of the chemicals was something close to the sulphur of hell.
“I’ll go and get you some biscuits.” He kisses the top of my head. “Just stay there until you have something inside your stomach.”
He may have been at court all week working insane hours, but I’ve made sure to share everything with him. After all, didn’t I promise him only a few weeks ago that I was all in? All in means he should know everything happening.
“It’s okay, I’ll get up anyway.” I push myself off his chest and sit, but my head instantly whirls and wheels like a kite caught in a gale.
Shaking his head, he slips off the bed. “Stay there.”
I don’t have a huge amount of choice. While he’s running down the stairs to the kitchen, I look at my phone and send Abi a quick message. This sucks.
Her response which is a very unhelpful laughing emoji pings straight back, followed by: Welcome to the club, sister.
I haven’t told her about today’s early scan. Firstly, because I don’t want her making a big deal about the fact that we are paying for an early scan in the first place. She’ll give me one of her I know best lectures which will contain the words, 'what will be, will be', blah blah blah. And secondly, I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it yet at all. No matter how committed I might have promised Eli I am. This is still very unreal. Talking about it will make it real and I’m not ready for that.
He’s on the phone as he walks back in the room and hands me my much-needed ginger biscuits. Good timing, too. I’m pretty damn close to spewing over the bedlinen.
“Work,” he mouths at me, and I nod, not really caring as I grab at a biscuit and break off a tiny amount and pop it into my mouth. Slow and steady, it’s the only bloody way.
I concentrate on eating and not hurling, but I can hear his voice raising from the dressing area. “I’ll be back once the jury has reached a decision. I’ve got to be there.” Frustration underlies his tone. “And anyway, this is Saturday, so this call is on my own time.” There is clearly a response which I’m not party to before he snaps, “Fine,” and then must hang up.
He comes back buttoning his jeans and sliding his phone into his back pocket. “Problem?” I ask.
“Just my managing partner wanting to know when I will be returning to corporate hell.”
I frown and try to read his face which is near on impossible; he’s mastered a poker face I can’t decipher. “I thought they were okay with you taking on the pro-bono cases?” When I met him, it was one of the things I learned that endeared me to him even more, the fact he worked for free on cases where people needed help. Obviously, the fact he is smoking hot was the first thing that endeared me to him. His generosity came a swift second.
“Sure, so long as it doesn’t impact their business, and one of our big clients who spends millions with us needs us urgently. I’ve got to go in on Monday before court.”
“Aren’t you on leave for this though? It’s holiday, right?”
He shrugs. “Not annual leave. I’ve just taken unpaid leave.” I open my mouth to say something, but he cuts me off. “It’s not like I can’t afford it.”
“I guess I never thought of it before that’s all.”
“That reminds me.” He sits down and hands me another quarter of a biscuit. They are working, my need to upchuck is diminishing although I’m not ready to attempt standing yet. “We need to discuss your allowance.”
“Excuse me?”
“Your allowance. You will get one from the family trust as my wife, but you’ll need something now, won’t you? If you give me your bank account details, I’ll get a payment set up. How much do you need? Will three thousand a month be acceptable?”
I manage to shut my mouth. “Eli, I don’t want your money.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t. I don’t want anything to do with the Fairclough money.”
“It’s not Fairclough money, it’s mine.” He frowns. “How do you plan to buy things? You haven’t sold anything for a while, and well, I haven’t mentioned it, but you aren’t exactly creating much at the moment.”
I believe he wants me to punch him in the face.
“And your money from the tattoo shop must be long gone, and I don’t believe Tabitha is paying you rent.”
“No! I would never ask her to.”
“But you aren’t happy to take my money to make up for the fact my sister is living in your flat?”
“That’s not what you said. You said you wanted to pay me an allowance. I’m not a bloody employee, Elijah!”
How did we go from wake-up sex and snuggles to arguing about money?
“Just give me your bank details, Faith. It’s not difficult.”
“No. You are difficult. I don’t want your money, and I don’t want Fairclough money, not now and not when we are married.”
His face is a picture of shock, the delphinium blues wide. “Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was something you felt so strongly about.”
I’ve hurt him again. Literally every time I open my mouth, I manage to do something wrong.
“It’s not that. It’s just since we met, your family have been dangling an axe over your head, threatening to cut you off for being with me, all sorts of shit. I won’t be responsible for any retaliation that comes your way and I won’t be a financial drain.”
“It’s not being a financial drain, it’s being my wife. It’s how things are set out.”
“Well then, things are going to have to unset themselves, because I will never accept a penny of their money.”
He shakes his head from side to side. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry I brought it up.”
“I’ll make something to sell to Whitlocks. You are not responsible for me, okay?”
He nods but I can see all too clearly that I’ve upset him. “Shall I put the shower on?”
“Thanks.” I nod and start the laborious task of attempting to stand without puking. “Eli.” I hold my hand out to him and pull him back to me, running my hand over the bare skin of his chest. “Thank you. I just want to protect you.”