"No." His face darkened, and before she knew it, he'd flipped her onto her back, pinning her arms to the bed above her head. "Listen to me, Zoey. You are an incredible woman. Smart. Beautiful. Capable. But that's not why I'm in bed with you right now. I'm here because there is no one but you in this world who matters to me. You could weigh six-thousand pounds and have purple skin with bumps all over it, and you would still be the most beautiful woman to ever exist."
Her throat tightened. "Ryder—"
He didn't pause to let her speak. Urgency coursed through his words. "I need you to understand this, Zoey. Your heart and your soul are like sunshine, pure, gorgeous, and flawless. That makes everything about you a treasure. Never ever put yourself down like that. Never doubt your worth. Never doubt who you are. Do you understand?"
His beautiful words reached inside her and broke something open. Something that had been locked away for years and years, something that hurt to open, that made it hard to breathe. Tears started streaming down her cheeks, tears she had no chance of stopping.
His face softened and he swore under his breath. "I'm sorry, baby." He sank down beside her and brushed his thumb over her cheek. "I didn't mean to make you cry."
She caught his hand and pressed it to her face. "Kiss me, Ryder. Please. I need you. I need your soul to be a part of mine tonight. I need what only you can give me."
He hesitated. "You're sure? As much as I want you, I can't hurt you again—"
She grabbed his face and pulled him toward her, kissing him fiercely.
Ryder let out a low groan, and then rolled on top of her, pressing her body beneath him as he unleashed ten years of separation into their kiss. Yearning rose between them, and suddenly, there was too much fabric between them.
Almost frantically, she grabbed at his pants, desperate to get them off, and he did the same for her. They fumbled, they laughed, Ryder almost fell off the bed, but finally they were both naked, totally bare, with nothing between them except passion and desire.
She gasped as he stretched out on top of her, and she felt the warmth of his skin along her body. His chest against hers, his belly, his thighs, his calves, all of him, against all of her. It made her feel alive and vibrant, as if life itself was coursing through her cells.
He kissed his way down her body, his hands stroking fires inside her as he ran his palms over her hips, her thighs, her legs, as if every part of her was a treasure he was desperate to unearth. Then he locked his arms around her thighs and used his tongue to rip away her self-control. Heat poured through her. Need. Desire. A crushing need for him, and only him.
"Make love to me, Ryder." She ran her fingers through his hair, begging him to come back to her, to make her his, to bring them together in the way that she longed for.
He kissed his way back up her body, until he could see into her eyes. He met her gaze and held it captive while he slid his knee between hers, parting her legs. "My ZoeyBear," he whispered. "I'll always be yours. Always."
She held onto his shoulders. "My Ryder," she whispered. "I—" She cut herself off, just before she said she loved him. She'd told him that a thousand times over the years, but the words felt different now. If she said them, they would mean something different, something she wasn't ready to feel…or say.
Ryder kissed her again, deep and hard, a promise of a thousand forevers as he shifted his hips. She could feel him against her, and she flashed back to that that moment so long ago, the one when everything had changed for them before… and she knew that if they made love now, everything would change for them again. How would it change? She didn't know. Not yet.
"Baby."
She opened her eyes to see Ryder's blue ones watching her face.
"I need to see you when we make love. I need you to see me. I need you to see how I feel about you. Do you see it? Can you feel it?"
Her heart tightened at the pure reverence on his face. She nodded.
He smiled. "My girl," he whispered. "My sweet girl." And then he slid inside her, easily and deliciously, as if they were made for each other.
She sucked in her breath at the feel of him inside her. "God, that feels so perfect."
He grinned. "It does, doesn't it?" He tangled his fingers in her hair as he moved inside her. "Like there's nowhere else we belong, except right here, with each other, making love."
Desire rippled through her, radiating out in all directions as he moved. "Exactly," she whispered. She stretched beneath him, her body aching for more of him. "I—" She stopped herself, almost saying it again. She wasn't ready to love him, not like that. Not now. This moment had to be just this moment, his love as her best friend healing so many of the broken bits inside her.
He kissed her again, deep and intoxicating, as he intensified his rhythm. Faster and faster, adjusting his angle, his fingers dancing across her, stoking the fire even more, until she was completely lost to him, free-falling into the magic he wove, surrendering completely to him.
The orgasm came fast, sweeping over her with a glorious thrill that made her scream. He responded instantly, bucking against her as the orgasm leapt into him with a fire that tore her name from his throat as he held onto her, keeping her safe, giving her an anchor so she didn't have to hold onto anything herself.
She just let herself take flight, because she knew she would land safely in his arms.
Always safe in his arms.
Always.
Chapter Nineteen
Zoey didn't want to fall asleep.
She wanted to stay awake forever, inhaling Ryder's scent, feeling the weight of his arms around her as he held her, listening to the rhythm of his breath.
He nuzzled her neck, and she smiled, wrapping her hand around his wrist. "That was beautiful," she said.
"It was." He didn't lift his head, but she felt tension beginning to take root in his body.
She tapped his arm. "Ryder? What's wrong?"
He said nothing.
"Ryder!" She hit his arm this time, fear starting to grip her. "Talk to me." Last time they'd made love, this was exactly what had happened. She'd felt him start to tense almost as soon as they'd finished making love, and then he'd walked out of her life. "Are you having regrets? You have to tell me if you are. Don't just walk away like before—"
He lifted his head quickly, his eyes turbulent. "I'm not walking away."
"Then what's wrong?"
He swore and rolled onto his back, away from her, leaving her feeling cold and vulnerable.
She grabbed his shirt and pulled it over her, needing clothes, seeking protection. She could feel her heart closing up already. "Listen, I know that we're just friends and this didn't mean anything, so don't feel like you owe me—"
"No!" He sat up, grabbed her, and rolled on top of her, pinning her to the bed. "Don't even say that. It did mean something. It meant everything."
"Well, I know it meant something, but I know it's not a forever thing—"
"I want forever. I want forever with you."
She froze, her heart stuttering at his words. "What?"
His blue eyes were vibrant, roiling with emotion. "I wasn't going to tell you. I don't want to freak you out, but I can't have that look on your face, when you think that I'm going to walk away again, like you're not worth wanting. That's not okay. You deserve more, and I can't stay silent. If it freaks you out, then it freaks you out. It's worth the price to take that look off your face and that pain out of your heart."
She swallowed, her heart starting to pound. The words were so fierce, so unexpected, so breaking all the rules she'd laid out for them. Of course, making love had broken a big rule, so yeah, there was that. But the way he said it, the raw emotion in his voice stunned her. She wasn't used to that from him. He was always the stoic male, holding his emotions tight to his chest. And he had never said anything like that to her. She could barely even grasp that those words had been spoken by the Ryder she knew.
"Here's the thing, ZoeyBear." Ryder tangled his fingers thro
ugh a lock of her hair. "I've always loved you. You know that, right?"
She nodded. "I've loved you forever, too. Since the first time you snuck into my room and promised you'd keep me safe. I'd only seen you from a distance before then, but you were like this giant grizzly bear protector."
He grinned. "I'd seen your uncle, and I didn't like him. None of us did. I think I wanted him to try something, so I'd have a reason to beat the shit out of him."
She smiled and relaxed slightly. "Such violent tendencies you had."
"I still have them." His smile faded, and pain flickered through his eyes. "Which is why I probably shouldn't be telling you this."
"What?" She smacked him in the arm. "You can't not tell me now that you've started. My image of you as a hard, cold villainous rebel has already been shattered. There's no going back from that, so tell me the rest."
He cocked an eyebrow. "Villainous rebel?"
"As if you could ever deny that."
"True." There was a bit of regret in his voice, but he didn't elaborate on that point. "Fine, I'll finish, but no freaking out on me."
"I might freak out. You'll be fine."
He grinned. "Okay, fine. So, as I said, I've loved you forever, right? As my best friend's little sister, as the little sister I never had. Platonic. Protective. That kind of thing. Right?"
She nodded slowly. "Okay." Was this going to be a let-her-down-easy speech? Because if it was, she was going to seriously regret goading him into continuing.
"But the night of your prom," he said, "when I kissed you for the first time, that love changed irrevocably. I fell in love with you that night, and I've never fallen back out."
Her breath caught. "What?" In love? He was in love with her? Her childhood knight in shining armor who had broken her heart and left her shattered for a decade was in love with her and always had been? "That's not possible."
"It is." He framed her face with his hands. "I held it back all this time because I didn't want to trap you into staying in Rogue Valley. I still don't want to trap you. But I can't live any longer with that look in your eyes, the one where I see that pain of you believing you're not worthy of being loved. You need to know, to understand, that there is someone in this world who loves you fiercely and unconditionally, and that person is me."
She blinked back sudden tears, and her throat ached so badly that she didn't know if she could breathe. She could feel his truth in every word, and she knew he wasn't lying.
He took her hands and tucked them against his chest. "ZoeyBear, I love you as a friend, as my best friend, yes, but I also love you as the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be the one who makes you smile when you want to cry. I want to be the one who puts a ring on your finger. I want to be the one whose arms you fall asleep in every night of your life. That's what I want, Zoey. I never said anything before, because I believed the Stockton blood that runs through my veins tainted me and made me unworthy. Honestly, it might make me unworthy, but I also believe that I'm the man who can make you happy, and you deserve to be happy. Maybe it's your bad luck that I'm that guy for you. You're free to decide you don't want me. But you need to know that you bring out the light in me, and give me the strength to be the light and love that you deserve." His face softened. "I love you, Zoey, and you deserve to know that you're loved deeply, unconditionally, and forever."
She stared at him, speechless, too overwhelmed to even begin to respond. Silent tears rolled down her cheeks, and she felt like her chest was cracking in half.
He waited for a moment, then he nodded and rolled off her. He pulled her into the curve of his body, holding her tight as he pressed himself up against her back. "You don't have to say anything," he said softly. "I know it's a lot."
She closed her eyes against the tears squeezing out of her eyes, holding tightly to his hand, where it was on her belly. There was so much she wanted to say, but she didn't know where to start, or how to start, or even what she should admit to herself, let alone him.
He kissed her shoulder. "I can feel you trembling," he said softly, tightening his grip on her, tugging her more securely into the curve of his body, as if he could protect her from the world. "I'm sorry it upset you, but I had to say it, Zoey. You needed to know how deeply you are loved. You don't owe me anything."
Tears clogged her throat. "For years, I dreamed of you," she whispered. "I dreamed of you coming after me, telling me you loved me, and sweeping me away from the ache in my heart that followed me everywhere."
He pressed a kiss to her hair. "I had the same dream. If I had known you were struggling, I would have come after you. Dane never told me."
She shook her head, still gripping his hand tightly. "It's not Dane's fault. I told him not to tell you. I didn't want you to love me because you felt sorry for me. I wanted you to love me because you did, not to rescue me. But you never came."
Regret hit Ryder hard, deep in his gut at her words. She was right. He never followed her. "It wasn't because I didn't love you. It was because I did."
"I know. You explained that." Her voice was so full of tears that Ryder felt his own chest ache.
All he did was bring her pain. If he loved her. If he didn't love her. Somehow, he never got it right. "I'm sorry you're hurting, baby." But he wasn't sorry he'd said it. He needed her to know. He'd needed to tell her.
She raised their entwined hands to her lips and pressed a kiss to his knuckle. "I wish I was still the woman who could live that fairytale," she whispered. "But I'm not. I would say that part of me that could love like that is broken, but I'm not sure I ever had it."
Ryder tensed. "What are you are talking about?" She was the definition of love. She poured love out everywhere she went.
"I can't remember ever telling anyone I loved them," she whispered. "I guess I told my parents, but I don't remember. Dane never said it to me. No one ever said it to me, not even my ex. I…" She pressed their entwined hands to her chest. "It hurts so much in here," she said softly. "I feel like there's this vice clamping down on my chest, trying to suffocate me." She rolled over so she was facing him, her cheeks streaked with tears. "Ryder, all I ever dreamed of was being loved the way you just told me you love me. But…the only thing I want to do is run away. Why? Why can't I just say, yay, kiss you back, and enjoy it?"
Ryder smiled gently and kissed her softly. "The same reason I never told anyone I loved them until just now. I didn't believe in romantic love or family or any of that, until Chase broke that barrier with Mira."
She nodded. "That's what the women said tonight. That Chase showed his brothers the way."
"Not just Chase. Each one of my brothers, as they've fallen in love, become dads and husbands…I've watched. I've watched my brothers, none of who believed in love or women or families, find their peace. I've watched their wives make my brothers happy. And more importantly, I've watched my brothers make their wives and kids happy. They made me believe we have a chance. With the right woman, our fucked-up Stockton genes have a chance."
Zoey's brows furrowed. "You're not fucked up."
He raised his brows. "Really?"
She sighed. "Okay, you are. But you're a good person."
"I know that." God, it felt good to say that. It had taken him a long time to be able to see the good in himself through the shadows that still haunted him. "But you're the one that makes me whole." He was so glad she was still talking to him. When he'd first opened this conversation, the look of panic on her face had shaken him. He'd thought for a moment that he'd totally blown it, but right now, he felt like he had a window of a chance to make this right. "Am I wrong that I make you happy?"
"Ryder." She sat up and hugged her knees to her chest. "We haven't seen each other for a decade. We've never even been on a date. This doesn't even make sense."
"So, let's go on a date."
She looked over at him. "It's not that simple."
"It can be. We just start." As he said it, anticipation rippled through him. Was he
really going to do this? Go all in on Zoey? Dane would kick the shit out of him. He knew that. But he was going to do it anyway.
"You don't understand." She turned to face him, her arms still wrapped around her knees. "I don't have the capacity for this."
"Why not?" He encircled her ankle with his fingers and rubbed the top of her foot gently. The bruises from her fall had faded now, still visible, but definitely healing. "Talk to me, Zoey. Help me understand."
She sighed, watching his thumb move across her foot. "My ex and I had a law practice together. He was the finance expert, so he ran that side of the business."
Ryder closed his eyes, easily able to predict where the story was headed.
"After he left me for that other woman and the divorce proceedings got underway, I learned that he'd lost all our money. Our firm had to file for bankruptcy, and I even temporarily lost my license for mismanagement of client funds. That's why I stayed in Boston longer. I was trying to get it back."
Ryder ground his jaw, trying to contain his anger at the bastard who'd fucked her over so badly. "Did you?"
"Yes, right before I came back here. I had given up at that point, accepted that the career I'd worked so hard on was gone. I came out here, planning to start over. To stay. To retreat." She inched closer to him, so her hip was against his side. "Then earlier today, I got a call that I'd gotten my license restored, and a friend of mine offered me a job at her firm. So, now, I could go back to Boston, to the life I built."
"Or you could stay here." He grasped her waist and gently tugged on her.
She let him pull her down onto the bed into his arms. "With what? I have no money, no safety net. But if I go back, my reputation is shot. I worked so hard for everything I had in Boston, Ryder, and I lost it all. Because I was stupid. Because I trusted him. With my career. My heart. My money. Everything."
"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry." He stroked her hair gently, trying to comfort her when all he wanted to do was get up and beat the shit out of that asshole. His father's genes ran hot through him, but he shoved it aside, focusing instead on Zoey, and what she needed from him.
A Real Cowboy Always Trusts His Heart Page 13